imarockstar
Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2008
- Messages
- 153
- Reaction score
- 17
I am having one of those nights. My pregnant ex is on my mind. I think about her everyday, not constantly, but at least a few times a day I think about her. I have been keeping busy and improving my life little by little. When I first found out 3 months ago, I resorted to smoking weed and playing xbox all day long, smoking a pack of cigs a day, returning to my comfort zone of my adolescent years. (Actually, when I initially found out, I was on a date with a large breasted filipino girl, but whos keeping track?) After a month of doing that, I realized how pathetic it was and I did some soul searching. I knew that I could not continue this behavior.
After that month, I started going to the gym again. Week 2, I started to run and jog again. Week 3, I begin training in jiu jitsu. Week 4, I applied to a better job and got hired. All the while, maintaining good grades in the 5 classes I took this semester.
Week 5, I start going to the gym religiously and running every other day, because of my bjj training I realize how out of shape I am. Week 6 I start eating more healthy foods. No more processed BS, limiting carbs, fat, sugars, and calories. Week 7, I am starting to see my abs, my chest and shoulders are growing larger, my physique is growing close to that of a roman gladiator. No, seriously, it is.
Week 8, I begin reading books in my spare time. Starting with three books; one fictional, one an autobiography, and the third, an educational piece dealing with psychology. Week 9, I wonder if I am doing this for myself, or to get the girl back. Week 10, I wonder if I genuinely want her back, or is my quest for her misguided by the undeniable fact that we will be sharing a child, and that I long for the old fashioned typical American family. Or maybe it is the fact that she withheld the power regarding the circumstances of our separation, that if I were the one to break up with her, I would not want her back at this moment.
The worst part about this whole situation is the irony and paradoxes involved. No matter what I do, I feel like I am doing the wrong thing and that I should be doing the exact opposite. The best advice I have gotten from this website and its forums cannot be executed by me in my current situation and it is frustrating.
I cannot go no contact because I want to be there for doctors appointments and just general planning for the child. I can’t bring myself to date other women because I have no desire for a relationship. I also do not want to bring another person into my chaotic world right now. The “red pill” version of myself refuses to lie down and confess my undying love for her, whatever that is. It refuses to buy her flowers, write her letters of endless apologies and proclamations of a brighter future between us, to contact her friends or family to sway her judgments on me. It refuses to let me go crawling back on hands and knees begging her to get back together with me. I get so damn impatient though, I want reap the rewards of all my hard work instantly, I do not want to wait. And when I engage in all this hard work, and see no immediate rewards, I get discouraged, kind of like I am doing it for nothing.
My only solution is to become a man once and for all. To live my life by my own standards. By the time the child comes, I will not have an established career, but I will make enough money to provide for a family. I will still be enrolled in school. I will still be living with my sister. But I will be able to fight. I will have a passion in my life. I will be educated. I will know that I can never let myself get too comfortable again, that my happiness relies on being productive and engaging in life, rather than being an observer. I will be a far better person than I was when I was with her. I will be a far better person than I have ever existed as, both physically and mentally. I will be the best version of myself to date.
And she may still hate me. After coincidentally running into her while out running errands, I explained to her that I realized my actions and mindset around our split were so negative and destructive due to me ego. Terrible things I said were ways to keep my ego in check and make myself feel better. She tells me that she couldn’t talk to me for a little while after our breakup, because the things I said and did the night of our breakup lead to pent up aggression towards me and a loss of respect. Yet, she proceeded to have sex with me the next morning, and hang out with me a week later. Probably just her way of making me feel inferior and excusing her own bad behavior, but I know that I am the bigger person by admitting my faults and tuning into the reality of the situation. Is she the bad guy, am I? Probably a little bit of both.
I’m not sure what I want to get out of this thread. I am not depressed, I am very driven and ambitious at this moment in my life, and I am happier than ever. My interactions with people are great and a lot more fun. I am starting to genuinely love myself, something that I have struggled to do most of my life. I acknowledge that the tradeoff is definitely worth it. I needed something dramatic to occur to persuade me to change myself for the better. This breakup and pregnancy needed to occur in order to make me a better man. Had it not, I would currently be dating a busty filipino, in order to get over my ex but more importantly, to stroke my ego, most likely ending up with her becoming the next in line to be the sole provider of my happiness. The vicious cycle would have continued.
I like who I am finally becoming. I can easily say that I am, as I stated earlier, the best version of myself yet, and that is a pretty good feeling. But I feel like I am in the very beginning stages, and I am not quite sure what to make of everything yet. There is something that is still missing right now, however, I really believe that it will all be revealed very soon.
I know, as of late, I have been coming off as if I have it all figured out with the advice I give here, but I am human and I have my own share of struggles that I am currently dealing with, and if I play this role of an all-knowing sage of sorts without being honest in respects to my own shortcomings, well I simply would just not respect myself. Thanks for reading guys, I know it was long, but maybe my suffering will ease your own.
After that month, I started going to the gym again. Week 2, I started to run and jog again. Week 3, I begin training in jiu jitsu. Week 4, I applied to a better job and got hired. All the while, maintaining good grades in the 5 classes I took this semester.
Week 5, I start going to the gym religiously and running every other day, because of my bjj training I realize how out of shape I am. Week 6 I start eating more healthy foods. No more processed BS, limiting carbs, fat, sugars, and calories. Week 7, I am starting to see my abs, my chest and shoulders are growing larger, my physique is growing close to that of a roman gladiator. No, seriously, it is.
Week 8, I begin reading books in my spare time. Starting with three books; one fictional, one an autobiography, and the third, an educational piece dealing with psychology. Week 9, I wonder if I am doing this for myself, or to get the girl back. Week 10, I wonder if I genuinely want her back, or is my quest for her misguided by the undeniable fact that we will be sharing a child, and that I long for the old fashioned typical American family. Or maybe it is the fact that she withheld the power regarding the circumstances of our separation, that if I were the one to break up with her, I would not want her back at this moment.
The worst part about this whole situation is the irony and paradoxes involved. No matter what I do, I feel like I am doing the wrong thing and that I should be doing the exact opposite. The best advice I have gotten from this website and its forums cannot be executed by me in my current situation and it is frustrating.
I cannot go no contact because I want to be there for doctors appointments and just general planning for the child. I can’t bring myself to date other women because I have no desire for a relationship. I also do not want to bring another person into my chaotic world right now. The “red pill” version of myself refuses to lie down and confess my undying love for her, whatever that is. It refuses to buy her flowers, write her letters of endless apologies and proclamations of a brighter future between us, to contact her friends or family to sway her judgments on me. It refuses to let me go crawling back on hands and knees begging her to get back together with me. I get so damn impatient though, I want reap the rewards of all my hard work instantly, I do not want to wait. And when I engage in all this hard work, and see no immediate rewards, I get discouraged, kind of like I am doing it for nothing.
My only solution is to become a man once and for all. To live my life by my own standards. By the time the child comes, I will not have an established career, but I will make enough money to provide for a family. I will still be enrolled in school. I will still be living with my sister. But I will be able to fight. I will have a passion in my life. I will be educated. I will know that I can never let myself get too comfortable again, that my happiness relies on being productive and engaging in life, rather than being an observer. I will be a far better person than I was when I was with her. I will be a far better person than I have ever existed as, both physically and mentally. I will be the best version of myself to date.
And she may still hate me. After coincidentally running into her while out running errands, I explained to her that I realized my actions and mindset around our split were so negative and destructive due to me ego. Terrible things I said were ways to keep my ego in check and make myself feel better. She tells me that she couldn’t talk to me for a little while after our breakup, because the things I said and did the night of our breakup lead to pent up aggression towards me and a loss of respect. Yet, she proceeded to have sex with me the next morning, and hang out with me a week later. Probably just her way of making me feel inferior and excusing her own bad behavior, but I know that I am the bigger person by admitting my faults and tuning into the reality of the situation. Is she the bad guy, am I? Probably a little bit of both.
I’m not sure what I want to get out of this thread. I am not depressed, I am very driven and ambitious at this moment in my life, and I am happier than ever. My interactions with people are great and a lot more fun. I am starting to genuinely love myself, something that I have struggled to do most of my life. I acknowledge that the tradeoff is definitely worth it. I needed something dramatic to occur to persuade me to change myself for the better. This breakup and pregnancy needed to occur in order to make me a better man. Had it not, I would currently be dating a busty filipino, in order to get over my ex but more importantly, to stroke my ego, most likely ending up with her becoming the next in line to be the sole provider of my happiness. The vicious cycle would have continued.
I like who I am finally becoming. I can easily say that I am, as I stated earlier, the best version of myself yet, and that is a pretty good feeling. But I feel like I am in the very beginning stages, and I am not quite sure what to make of everything yet. There is something that is still missing right now, however, I really believe that it will all be revealed very soon.
I know, as of late, I have been coming off as if I have it all figured out with the advice I give here, but I am human and I have my own share of struggles that I am currently dealing with, and if I play this role of an all-knowing sage of sorts without being honest in respects to my own shortcomings, well I simply would just not respect myself. Thanks for reading guys, I know it was long, but maybe my suffering will ease your own.
