I remember when I got introduced to the seduction community... I was your typical AFC using chat rooms in order to feed my own fragile ego, when a discussion about women came up and I gave my naive an uninformed view of what I thought was right. Suddenly this guy sends me a PM linking me to the SoSuave forums; I start reading them and start thinking “what a crock of ****e” as it spoke of how everything I had been taught was wrong. I became a lurker on the boards for about three months and then left it at that.
A year later (I must been about 17) I entered a very dark stage of my life; I felt broken and insecure, it was almost as if I had lost all my power, friends and my spark in life. I began contemplating suicide as my grades kept plummeting, I felt afraid because I didn’t know how to deal with the maelstrom of bad thoughts I had. I felt like a caged monster, something that should be removed from this earth. As this was happening to me I started reading stories in my computer, and then I stumbled upon my old SoSuave link, and though I can’t say I felt livelier it helped to see that I was not the only ****er suffering out there.
Now during that year I was on two drugs, Ritalin (to deal with my ADD) and Prozac (So I wouldn’t feel suicidal). When I was on the drugs I kept reading and I finally got a glimpse of light once again, I came off the drugs because I felt they were dulling my wit, I started feeling alive again and I wanted to try new things. It was exhilarating, I was going back to school and I was enjoying what I was doing and though I still felt weak I kept fighting because I was chasseing that light that had caught the corner of my eye.
Once I finished school with appalling results I went to Peru for a while to see my dad and clear my head of all the **** I had managed to stack around me, my dad helped me a lot by giving me books and talking to me trying to find the root of my problems. It was great I started fighting again, I sent an application to a college to see if I could get into their course, I was told that they didn’t have the result of my application form so I came back to Scotland and started phoning them day and night to try and see what the progress was...
The day I was told I was in I was static; I had managed to turn my life around... I was going somewhere, I was using the knowledge I had acquired to make new friends. These friends then made me stronger than I was, one made me laugh, the other made me tough and the last one treated me like a little brother and showed me how to “just do thing”. That year went by fast and I had completed the first year of my college I was strong, I was confident, I had quit my bar job where they were treating me like ****, I felt good about myself and my environment.
But then I got lazy during the second year I started relaxing rather than executing, but because I still had two of my great friends with me, I felt strong. The three of us fought the good fight and managed to get ourselves through the second year by spurring each other on, sleeping six hours every two days seemed worthwhile. My social life and love life were good I could not complain I felt good because I had beaten all the odds. I could do anything.
Come third year I lost another friend and it was just the two of us, he didn’t make it because he blotched up on of his exams. But it was okay he would come next year and I still had one of my good friends at my side the one that taught me how to be tough.
But in this life being tough is not enough to succeed, I started well but as third rolled by my grades became lower and lower and I began losing more and more confidence on myself. Not only was I under-archiving academically I could no longer pick up women and I started feeling low again. But my bull-headedness prevailed and I managed to scrape my way through third year, I was no longer the ****y and confident man I had become, I was just a broken shell. So I went back to Peru to see if I could get fixed again, the trouble was my cousin who was a dreamer like me began acting like my dad, and my dad began critiquing me to the extent I felt even more broken.
Now I am in fourth year to do my honours year and I am but the ghost of what I once was... but why?
How did I evolve from a mouse to a tiger and back to a mouse again, the simple answer is I got lazy. I began taking things for granted, I was at my peak during the first and second year of college, but then I had attained what I wanted I was: fitter, tougher, relatively good with women and I had proven to the head of year I was able to do anything even if it was said to be impossible.
I had what I wanted so I thought I would take a break; I thought that I have climbed out of the hole I was in so it was time to relax... God was I ever wrong.
By “resting” or halting my improvement, I began falling back into the hole; I kept trying to dig myself out of the hole instead of climbing to the top again. What I mean by this is that instead of progressively getting myself out of my depression I kept trying to “do more work”, “go out less”, “get rid of the negative people in my life”, “get a job”, “Study”, “keep going”. This mentality has allowed me to keep some of my wits about me but it’s making me progressively fall lower and lower.
Right now I am broken and I am trying to look everywhere for answers, grasping at straws because that all I think I have left. But I keep asking myself “why? Why did this happen to me again?” the truth is it didn’t happen to me I chose to go down that path again, I tried to cover my regression with work and study. Then I began to think, I am back to square one, I have travelled up to this point but due to my bullheadedness I have become what I was without realising it, I am a victim of myself because if I had looked inside when I began falling again I could have gotten out quite easily.
I stopped fighting with myself in order to keep my ego intact, and instead of improving I began fighting with the environment to keep what I had experience previously. By now you are probably wondering where I am going with this, but it’s quite simple. At the start of my journey I was fighting the environment in order to keep my old ego intact... Now I am fighting the environment in order keep my evolved persona alive. But then what is the point? Why am I fighting for something that was flawed to begin with? If you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs once you attain a new level you fight so that you will not digress back to the level you were at before, but no matter how you look at it you have already digressed if you have to fight in order to keep your place.
I am beginning to understand this, for me it means that I will no longer delude myself believing that I am something I was. I am once again at the bottom of the chain, but I’m okay with that. I posted this for me, but I hope perhaps it will help people that are in the same situation, if you don’t keep evolving and become comfortable with what you have right now the fear of losing it become counterproductive. You got there by fighting and once you have it you stop and start fighting in order to keep it.
So what did I learn? I learnt that if you stop evolving you become stagnate, and begin a process of digression. If you fight to gain something, in order to keep it you have to keep fighting even if that means losing it, because if you stop you will lose it anyway... There are lots of examples of this, the company Boeing being the perfect example, from being a cutting edge company, became a money making company, this in turn led them to stoop to a level lower than when they began to try and keep what they had. But the most important lesson I learn was humility, you have to be able to roll with the punches and if you do lose yourself along the way, you have to have the balls to say “I ****ed up, time to start from scratch again”.
This post was more for me than anything else, I needed to get this down on paper so that I could analyse what was happening to me. But I hope my experience helps all those that like me are stuck in a mental masturbation session about what you once where. Now we are the lowest of the low and have nothing to lose let’s start building ourselves up again, stronger than we ever were, and once we reach that stage keep going without looking back or stopping to contemplate what we have achieved.
Thank you for reading my post, getting this down has allowed me to get back into the fighting frame, rather than cowering behind fictitious shields that I created to protect myself from the truth.
Love
Amethyst
A year later (I must been about 17) I entered a very dark stage of my life; I felt broken and insecure, it was almost as if I had lost all my power, friends and my spark in life. I began contemplating suicide as my grades kept plummeting, I felt afraid because I didn’t know how to deal with the maelstrom of bad thoughts I had. I felt like a caged monster, something that should be removed from this earth. As this was happening to me I started reading stories in my computer, and then I stumbled upon my old SoSuave link, and though I can’t say I felt livelier it helped to see that I was not the only ****er suffering out there.
Now during that year I was on two drugs, Ritalin (to deal with my ADD) and Prozac (So I wouldn’t feel suicidal). When I was on the drugs I kept reading and I finally got a glimpse of light once again, I came off the drugs because I felt they were dulling my wit, I started feeling alive again and I wanted to try new things. It was exhilarating, I was going back to school and I was enjoying what I was doing and though I still felt weak I kept fighting because I was chasseing that light that had caught the corner of my eye.
Once I finished school with appalling results I went to Peru for a while to see my dad and clear my head of all the **** I had managed to stack around me, my dad helped me a lot by giving me books and talking to me trying to find the root of my problems. It was great I started fighting again, I sent an application to a college to see if I could get into their course, I was told that they didn’t have the result of my application form so I came back to Scotland and started phoning them day and night to try and see what the progress was...
The day I was told I was in I was static; I had managed to turn my life around... I was going somewhere, I was using the knowledge I had acquired to make new friends. These friends then made me stronger than I was, one made me laugh, the other made me tough and the last one treated me like a little brother and showed me how to “just do thing”. That year went by fast and I had completed the first year of my college I was strong, I was confident, I had quit my bar job where they were treating me like ****, I felt good about myself and my environment.
But then I got lazy during the second year I started relaxing rather than executing, but because I still had two of my great friends with me, I felt strong. The three of us fought the good fight and managed to get ourselves through the second year by spurring each other on, sleeping six hours every two days seemed worthwhile. My social life and love life were good I could not complain I felt good because I had beaten all the odds. I could do anything.
Come third year I lost another friend and it was just the two of us, he didn’t make it because he blotched up on of his exams. But it was okay he would come next year and I still had one of my good friends at my side the one that taught me how to be tough.
But in this life being tough is not enough to succeed, I started well but as third rolled by my grades became lower and lower and I began losing more and more confidence on myself. Not only was I under-archiving academically I could no longer pick up women and I started feeling low again. But my bull-headedness prevailed and I managed to scrape my way through third year, I was no longer the ****y and confident man I had become, I was just a broken shell. So I went back to Peru to see if I could get fixed again, the trouble was my cousin who was a dreamer like me began acting like my dad, and my dad began critiquing me to the extent I felt even more broken.
Now I am in fourth year to do my honours year and I am but the ghost of what I once was... but why?
How did I evolve from a mouse to a tiger and back to a mouse again, the simple answer is I got lazy. I began taking things for granted, I was at my peak during the first and second year of college, but then I had attained what I wanted I was: fitter, tougher, relatively good with women and I had proven to the head of year I was able to do anything even if it was said to be impossible.
I had what I wanted so I thought I would take a break; I thought that I have climbed out of the hole I was in so it was time to relax... God was I ever wrong.
By “resting” or halting my improvement, I began falling back into the hole; I kept trying to dig myself out of the hole instead of climbing to the top again. What I mean by this is that instead of progressively getting myself out of my depression I kept trying to “do more work”, “go out less”, “get rid of the negative people in my life”, “get a job”, “Study”, “keep going”. This mentality has allowed me to keep some of my wits about me but it’s making me progressively fall lower and lower.
Right now I am broken and I am trying to look everywhere for answers, grasping at straws because that all I think I have left. But I keep asking myself “why? Why did this happen to me again?” the truth is it didn’t happen to me I chose to go down that path again, I tried to cover my regression with work and study. Then I began to think, I am back to square one, I have travelled up to this point but due to my bullheadedness I have become what I was without realising it, I am a victim of myself because if I had looked inside when I began falling again I could have gotten out quite easily.
I stopped fighting with myself in order to keep my ego intact, and instead of improving I began fighting with the environment to keep what I had experience previously. By now you are probably wondering where I am going with this, but it’s quite simple. At the start of my journey I was fighting the environment in order to keep my old ego intact... Now I am fighting the environment in order keep my evolved persona alive. But then what is the point? Why am I fighting for something that was flawed to begin with? If you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs once you attain a new level you fight so that you will not digress back to the level you were at before, but no matter how you look at it you have already digressed if you have to fight in order to keep your place.
I am beginning to understand this, for me it means that I will no longer delude myself believing that I am something I was. I am once again at the bottom of the chain, but I’m okay with that. I posted this for me, but I hope perhaps it will help people that are in the same situation, if you don’t keep evolving and become comfortable with what you have right now the fear of losing it become counterproductive. You got there by fighting and once you have it you stop and start fighting in order to keep it.
So what did I learn? I learnt that if you stop evolving you become stagnate, and begin a process of digression. If you fight to gain something, in order to keep it you have to keep fighting even if that means losing it, because if you stop you will lose it anyway... There are lots of examples of this, the company Boeing being the perfect example, from being a cutting edge company, became a money making company, this in turn led them to stoop to a level lower than when they began to try and keep what they had. But the most important lesson I learn was humility, you have to be able to roll with the punches and if you do lose yourself along the way, you have to have the balls to say “I ****ed up, time to start from scratch again”.
This post was more for me than anything else, I needed to get this down on paper so that I could analyse what was happening to me. But I hope my experience helps all those that like me are stuck in a mental masturbation session about what you once where. Now we are the lowest of the low and have nothing to lose let’s start building ourselves up again, stronger than we ever were, and once we reach that stage keep going without looking back or stopping to contemplate what we have achieved.
Thank you for reading my post, getting this down has allowed me to get back into the fighting frame, rather than cowering behind fictitious shields that I created to protect myself from the truth.
Love
Amethyst
