Why is it only going downhill?

[SayWhat]

Hi

Every thread I post starts the same "I've posted many threads with this kind of subject".

Well unfortunately this isn't going to be any different.

I have some things I wanted. A high paying job and apparently I'm not that bad looking. But truth is I will trade it in the blink of a second for the things I'm missing and which I truly want, which is the ability to be able to talk to everyone and being a true Don Juan.

I want to be that person who people want to hang around, but now I am the one who is the completely opposite. Well not completely, they'll hang around if they 'have to' but will talk to somebody else if that somebody else shows up.

I want to talk to that girl and have her drop her panties for me after 30 minutes of meeting. When typing this I realize I am very very long away from this and truly doubt if this is ever gonna happen.

I go to the gym regularly, have an exciting hobby, but why the f*ck doesn't it change. I go to work with the thought "today I'm going to show them who I really am and don't care what they think of me", but when I arrive it's always the same. Which turns into a negative spiral and the thought of why should I talk, I would come around as pathetic and people would just wait till the next person arrives who they can truly talk too.

Something that is really bothering me as well but is just another sign that something is truly wrong with me. There is this girl (I'm not interested in her), but she has added everyone of my colleagues on Facebook besides me. There are guys between that which have barely spoken to her, but she stills adds them... (and yes I checked very subtle, they didn't add her... the fact I checked this is pathetic indeed).

Guys I'm really fed up with this, I honestly don't know anymore what to do.

 

[btownbuck2012]

I can strongly identify with what you're feeling and saying here because I experienced the exact same type of thing when I was younger (middle school and high school).

Your story about that chick from work adding everyone else but you on Facebook resonates with me, too. In middle school I was on the basketball team and the day before we played our big rival all the cheerleaders went around and decorated the basketball players lockers, everyone had streamers and signs on their lockers...except me.

I'm just going to be very blunt with you: You sound very socially awkward and other people are definitely picking up on this. External things like your looks, job, apartment, etc. won't matter and won't improve anything until you learn how to be more socially comfortable around people. Once that skill is mastered, you'll notice every other part of your life becoming 'enhanced' as a result.

And don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't have to rely on other people to validate you and create happiness in your life. HOWEVER, there is a big difference between that and someone who isn't able to enjoy the mental health benefits of being able to socialize with others and feel comfortable in their own skin around other people. I'm still a bit of a loner, myself BUT I am able to strike up a conversation with anyone and have spent years learning how to comfortably interact with others both inside and outside of work. human interaction is a vitally important part of life.

So how do you fix this? There are no tips or tricks or shortcuts. You need to start talking to more people and taking more 'risks' in your socialization. Start trying to crack jokes when you're talking to others, get comfortable telling stories and being able to feel natural while speaking and holding the center of attention in a group of people. You're going to need to just keep trying and I can tell that you're already way too much in your own head and that the initial trial and error of this is going to be very painful for you. You've just got to do it man. The long term results will be worth it. Trust me.

I cannot tell you how many times I've been on the verge of tears at having f*cked up a cold approach, saying something stupid in a group of people, having people think I was an awkward loser, etc.

But change is possible. Case and point. After college I got a job with a big lumber company in Indiana in their sales training program. I had made huge strides since middle school and felt more comfortable socially but was still having some problems. Management actually wanted to move me OUT of that sales trainee position and put me into a production role. It was incredibly embarrassing to have that talk with my Manager because he was essentially saying "Jon, you're...um..a bit too awkward for sales".

As painful as that was I didn't give up. I'm not going to go into details, but 3 years later I found myself managing a team of 15 people as a SALES MANAGER in NEW YORK CITY. I can go into more details if you'd want, but the KEY point to take away from this is that I didn't give up. You literally just have to muscle through and keep trying. Keep talking to people, keep interacting with OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. Just do it. Period. Talk about the wheather, about the sports team on their ball cap, about their shoes, etc. ANYTHING. Just talk to people. Men, women, children, the young the old. JUST DO IT. And KEEP doing it.

One great side effect of all of this has been realizing that even when you do have the girlfriend, the great job and "friends" understanding that you can LOSE all of that too. Having that stuff is great but it can't be your rock. YOU have to be your own rock but that's something I would have never learned had I not worked intensely on my social skills over the years and gotten all the things I wanted and THEN lost them. I would have always been wondering "Man, I'll bet if I knew how to talk to people and socialize better all my problems would go way". And again, while learning how to socialize has enhanced my life tremendously, it's not the end all be all of happiness.

 

[skinnyguy]

Hi

Every thread I post starts the same "I've posted many threads with this kind of subject".

Well unfortunately this isn't going to be any different.

I have some things I wanted. A high paying job and apparently I'm not that bad looking. But truth is I will trade it in the blink of a second for the things I'm missing and which I truly want, which is the ability to be able to talk to everyone and being a true Don Juan.

I want to be that person who people want to hang around, but now I am the one who is the completely opposite. Well not completely, they'll hang around if they 'have to' but will talk to somebody else if that somebody else shows up.

I want to talk to that girl and have her drop her panties for me after 30 minutes of meeting. When typing this I realize I am very very long away from this and truly doubt if this is ever gonna happen.

I go to the gym regularly, have an exciting hobby, but why the f*ck doesn't it change. I go to work with the thought "today I'm going to show them who I really am and don't care what they think of me", but when I arrive it's always the same. Which turns into a negative spiral and the thought of why should I talk, I would come around as pathetic and people would just wait till the next person arrives who they can truly talk too.

Something that is really bothering me as well but is just another sign that something is truly wrong with me. There is this girl (I'm not interested in her), but she has added everyone of my colleagues on Facebook besides me. There are guys between that which have barely spoken to her, but she stills adds them... (and yes I checked very subtle, they didn't add her... the fact I checked this is pathetic indeed).

Guys I'm really fed up with this, I honestly don't know anymore what to do.

Sorry to say this but you're probably not as attractive as you think you are.

Women are extremely selective. The whole "there's always more women out there" is a myth, because 90% of the women out there are taken, and the rest of them are either ugly, or super picky (or both). Men have very limited options unless they are top 1% in looks.

Women are even willing to forgo character in order to get the most attractive guy. They will date the "hot" guy, and then later say he was a "jerk" because he was spinning plates and she was just a quick lay for him.

You're starting to realize what most men your age have realized, that men have it much worse than women when it comes to dating. You could pay RSD for a bootcamp, which may or may not help. But you have to increase your attractiveness first (in a physical sense).

You should take a 6 month break from women. It's clear you pedestalize women. You should be more dominant. Watch the video for "Hold You Down" by DJ Khaled and you'll see what I mean.

 

[3agle 3yes]

I'm sorry but Skinnyguy that is bs.

Op, I heard once that what we consider "personal" is almost always "universal"...and I think to an extent this is true.

btownbuck2012, myself and I'm sure many others have experienced what you've experienced...so you've come to the right place.

I've learned that the limit of our successes is based on how we react to failure or making a mistake.

If you want...

...the ability to be able to talk to everyone...

Then you must first give yourself permission to CRASH and BURN (i.e. embarrass yourself) when you speak to people as well.

It's amazing how we as humans convince ourselves that we need "permission" to do something, or how much we care when someone doesn't approve of us when we do or say something they don't like...consider this op, high status people (the people you want to become) DON'T need permission to do or say something and they definitely DON'T need anyone's approval either.

Here's my advice:

Don't force friendships with people and definitely DON'T do things so people will like you...ESPECIALLY women. Instead pay attention to people who have the same "vibe" as you...these are the people you should be friends with.

I LOVE quotes, since I think great quotes contain so many "nuggets" in one sentence.

Contemplate the following quotes (I know I will), I'll start with three:

"In life, we don't get what we deserve, we get what we EXPECT."

"We should NEVER desire the things we do not expect and we should NEVER expect the things we do not desire." - Raymond Holliwell.

and finally, this one I think applies the most to your situation...really contemplate this one.

"Try NOT to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of VALUE." - Albert Einstein.

People aren't attracted to "cool" individuals, they are attracted to individuals with VALUE (whatever they perceive that to be).

Don't be that person that...

...people want to hang around...

Do what Einstein said become a man of VALUE instead.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I go to the gym regularly, have an exciting hobby, but why the f*ck doesn't it change.

You go to the gym because you realize building a strong healthy body takes time and commitment.

Yet when it comes to social skills, you think you can somehow "wish" them into existence.

Building up social skills takes AS MUCH time, practice and commitment as it does to build a strong healthy body.

Anybody can bang on the piano, but it takes time and FOCUSED PRACTICE to become a piano player. Just banging on the piano and making noise doesn't count.

You want better social skills? So practice social skills.

(hint, doing the same thing over and over and wishing things would magically change doesn't count as practice).

Toastmasters, acting class, assertiveness training, going to speed dating events as PRACTICE, not to meet anybody. Number closing girls AS PRACTICE, not because you want their number.

Do things SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE of increasing social skills. Go out once a week and see how many names you can collect. See how many people you can make smile. SEE IT AS EXERCISE, not as a "hobby."

 

[SayWhat]

Are there any good books that go into how to build social skills?

I've read books on body language and stuff, but not on talking or what to say etc.

 

[Roober]

How to win friends and influence people - dale carnegie