Why don't ulitmatums work?

[dj_jazzybrad]

A couple days ago a girl gave me another excuse as to why she couldnt hang out. I moved on, ignored her, deleted contacts, etc. Lather, rinse, repeat, you know the drill. Anyway she texted me saying "whats wrong? did I do something?" Unfortunately, against my better judgment, I said "yeah. you keep flaking and wasting my time. Ive asked you to hang out, and you always have an excuse. Sorry but I have better things to do". Later I was kicking myself for this... after I looked at it I realized that it made me appear the weaker one, gave her too much power, and showed her that I had an emotional investment in her. I'm tempted to give her an ultimatum, just because I really like her and I want to spend time with her. But I've been advised against it... why don't they work? I'm talking an ultimatum as in "tell me if you just dont want to hang out and ill walk away"

 

[Natural Vibe]

You showed her that you're a man who has self-respect and integrity, and won't put up to her ****. That is good, so don't kick yourself for it.

If you really feel bad about it, just tell yourself: Lesson Learned. Do that every time you think you screwed up.

Personally, I wouldn't give her an ultimatum, because your integrity and self respect have already been proven when you told her she was wasting your time. Giving her an ultimatum, in my honest opinion, would be doing the same thing in a different way. Unnecessary.

Sure, you showed her that you had an emotional investment in her. But you also showed her that you can take it away just as easily, that it's not a big deal to you.

I would think ultimatums would work better in situations where you will never see the girl again, so she clearly knows it's her last chance at you. I'm not sure what your situation is, but if you still see her from time to time, I wouldn't give her an ultimatum; it's going to make things between you awkward. Take it as you like, for now this is just mind masturbation. I never tested this, but I believe I'm accurate.

I've been in your situation too. This girl flaked me two times, with bull**** excuses. When she asked me if she did something, I told her I was disappointed in her and that she wasted my time. I liked that girl too and wanted to spend time with her.

But I just nexted her. I didn't give her an ultimatum, I just stopped giving her attention and validating her. I was still friendly, occasionally flirty, but less than before.

After all, she wasted my time.

If she really wants to date you, she'll show her true colors once you stop giving her attention (notice how she wondered why you cut contact). But you have to take the window of opportunity when it shows up. Or it'll close.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

You're using the ultimatum in the wrong way, because you're chasing her instead of her chasing you. It becomes an 'act of desperation' if you understand me. You also made effort to ignore this girl, which is morally a bad move.

The good news is, you've nexted her and now you're moving on to do better things and persue more worthwhile women.

Next time, ask the girl what days she's available, and then check your schedule to make sure you're also available, and finally make the date official through a verbal agreement. You won't need an ultimatum if you get a good handle on things.

IMO the ultimatum should only be used by people who are completely frustrated with their situation (AFCs.)

 

[dj_jazzybrad]

Thanks for the advice guys. I just cut contact, not looking back.

As for making an effort to ignore her, how is that a bad move morally? What else do you do to next someone?

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

In this situation an ultimatum will just be laughed at. When there's an asymmetry of power such as this, an ultimatum will not be effective. In my experience, ultimatums are only useful on the weaker party in any conflict.

 

[Captain]

I don't think what you did was that bad. Ultimatums work best when used correctly, in a casual way, when you have more power in the relationship. She's got at least some interest in you, or she wouldn't have made contact again. Having said that, I generally don't advise using them, because there's always something better you could have done. For example, it would have been better if you had called her and teased her, if she flaked again, cut all contact permanently.

 

[dj_jazzybrad]

I don't think what you did was that bad. Ultimatums work best when used correctly, in a casual way, when you have more power in the relationship. She's got at least some interest in you, or she wouldn't have made contact again. Having said that, I generally don't advise using them, because there's always something better you could have done. For example, it would have been better if you had called her and teased her, if she flaked again, cut all contact permanently.

Good idea. Thanks for the advice guys, I'll just wait and see how it pans out....

 

[I'm in the Mood]

As for making an effort to ignore her, how is that a bad move morally? What else do you do to next someone?

Man why would you ignore someone you like? Girls do that sometimes when they're frustrated. Ignoring people is just plain stupid I think. Don't do dat!

As for nexting...you have to give up on persuing a friendship or a relationship with this girl, and only when you've found other girls to persue have you fully nexted someone.

 

[dj_jazzybrad]

Man why would you ignore someone you like? Girls do that sometimes when they're frustrated. Ignoring people is just plain stupid I think. Don't do dat!

As for nexting...you have to give up on persuing a friendship or a relationship with this girl, and only when you've found other girls to persue have you fully nexted someone.

Idk man I guess i'm just misunderstanding the point of nexting... yeah ive found another chick that I'm pursuing that has high interest. I dont need to talk to this other girl anymore, so I dont. I dont really engage her, i just see her as annoying and petty now, so naturally I don't really want to engage her. Am I supposed to continue on like nothing happened? What do you do when you next someone? For example, the last girl that I nexted, we'd make eye contact if we saw each other in the halls, and id just keep walking, talking to the person I was with. Soon, her interest level went through the roof.... I thought I was doing it right.