why does she seem distant?

[JoeBlack]

Hey all,

Whilst I am still learning from these forums - I still have some to learn! So bear with me...

I'd like some sensible opinions and perhaps a strategy to deal with this girl. Why am I putting this amount of effort into this girl? Well... because I do like her and possibly see something evolving.

I've been seeing this girl for a couple of months now.

I always have in the back of my head not to be a chump lol. Even though sometimes I wanted to call her, text her I kept my distance and played it cool. So I guess I am still an AFC inside, but am playing it right on the outside lol..

Anyway.. Things had been going fine. We were having good sex - and enjoying each others company. Only seeing each other a couple of times a week so as not to get too attached etc..

Anyway - the last couple of weeks she has just seemed very distant and the whole relationship just seems a bit predictable. We haven't had sex in 2 weeks and I reckon I have been round there 4 or 5 times in that period. She seems to have things on her mind generally and is always quite tired - so that could be one reason, but I still say there is a definite lack of affection by her. It’s not just me.

So I have some options.

1. Blow her off completely - not something I really want to do as I DO like her. Also she does continue to arrange dates and sets aside time for me to come over so she must like me. Plus I am a likeable guy so I think she does

2. Just back off a lot. Perhaps not answer a call within a few days (which would seem quite odd compared to I would normally call her back the same day or the next). I have used this tactic a little this week and it seemed to work in terms of getting her attention, but the lack of affection is still there when we do see each other.

3. Confront her. Just be honest and say - look you seem very distant and unaffectionate over the last 2 weeks. Is it me or are you just stressed? If its me just say so and I will back off.

Number 3 might seem a big AFC, but on the other hand I think it will just clear things up - give her the chance to be

I guess number 3 appeals to me because it could go one of two ways.

She would say sorry it’s not me and she would probably turn things around and make more of an effort.

If it IS me and I can put my efforts into other things (something I am doing anyway, but I will have more efforts to go into other things ) I guess I would just know 100% where I stand.

Over to you guys.

What do you think?

 

[Demodulate]

go cold.... if she doesnt respond get rid of her...

it might seem harsh but if shes isnt responding to you, she has lost interest, and being with someone with no to low interest is just going to get you hurt.

 

[JoeBlack]

I totally agree that it will end up in me being hurt which is why I am trying to find out if my time is worth investing in this one.

The only thing with the going cold, is it seems to have worked recently, we make arrangements and then the meet isn't particularly as good as I want it.

It HAS been though. So I just wanna either find out if there is something thats bugging her outside of us, or just ask her the questions about whats on her mind to shock her into making some more efforts in the areas I want.

Even as I type this it is all sounding too much of a stuggle and harder than it should be.

Thats why I wanna be up front and if theres not an immediate change or the answer I want - I won't waste my time on it any longer and WILL walk away.

 

[flexion_]

I would pick option 2.

With women they pretty much expect you to read the mind/emotions. If a women is acting pissy then just ignore her. In your case, if you she is distant and cold then just back off and let her come to you - if she doesn't well you have your answer then...

Key here is to have lots going on in your life so that if she isn't around its no biggie on your end.

 

[Ricky]

Yeah but you know guys, it gets kind of tough when you have alot of relationships start out great for the first few months than head south.

I am in a similar situation as you. I have taken a step back. She noticed. What the hell could I say, I lied. I said I have some other things on my mind.

She withdrew first, I just didn't want to admit to her I was playing games back.

It seemed like she was getting warmer, but lately she hasn't been returning my calls or calling as often.

It's not headed in the right direction i know that (in my case that is), but I'm going to wait it out. Im patient.

I was upset about it a few weeks ago, now im more resigned. It may be time for me to move on to a new one.

And I really liked this one. She seemed alot better than the last 5 or 6 girls I dated!

 

[Dictatorsaurus]

I can't even remember the number of women that showed great initial interest in me only to turn ice cold after a week or two.

From my experience, the ONLY effective way to deal with this is to go cold and develop an indifferent attitude by going cold.

At times it might seem hard, you'll brain will start putting ideas in your mind telling you to call her or try to contact her. Thats when you should shut that voice and remain cold. I know how it feels and how hard it is. But you have to remind yourself that is the only way.

The girl will either try to contact you or remain silent. Either way, you'll get your answer.

Us men are more consistent with our emotions than women. We should also remain more consistent with our behaviour.

 

[averagejoe]

Not #3

Joe Black, from one joe to another man don't do #3. I am living proof on that one on more than one occasion. It is very weak. A woman can tell you anything. Judge her by her actions and never her words. That is another thing I too had to learn by experience. Listen to what the rest of the guys have told you here. They distance themselves, you distance yourself.

 

[San]

If she's doing this already she has doubts.

I know from experience it just simply goes the wrong way in the long run.

you can chooce for option 3, what i would do as well to clear things up and see what's wrong.


If it happens more then once(her doubt), bale out. it ain't gonna last.

 

[JoeBlack]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I went a little cold, she is still making good contact - but I am keeping the mindset that we'll see what happens. Unless she comes round to the point where I am happy with things I won't put too much effort into things.

We'll probably see each other this week at some point. We'll see how that goes.

Plus I might try and arrange some things during the day (which she seems to have troubles making the time for) in a week or so.

If that **** falls through, its onto the next.

I am putting a touch more effort into things on this one because I like her, but trust me I will bail before I get to the point where I am acting like a chump

I feel much better about it after speaking to you guys though, thanks!

Joe...

 

[Ricky]

Women are so hard to figure out.

I think this is the reason I'm better off dating 3 women than 1 i really like. I keep the game going better.

BUt it is nerve wracking to date multiple women. And dare I say it, I hope to settle down one day. Although I hate that phrase

to "settle down" sounds like one hell of a compromise. I want to "settle up!"

 

[The_Becoming]

Unless she comes round to the point where I am happy with things I won't put too much effort into things.

You hit the nail right on the head there partner... If she's doing the things that make you happy then go with it... if she's only giving you grief then move on and find something better... any decent girl that's in to you will ultimately do things to make you happy and your life better.

There's an old military axiom: "A great commander will reinforce sucess." Unfortunatley, when it comes to women we men seem to spend to much time and effort trying to rescue a failure... How very AFCish of us....

 

[averagejoe]

I agree 100% Ricky. I prefer to date 3 at a time and for some reason 3 is always the magic number. Sometimes it is nerve wracking but you never appear desperate.

 

[Ricky]

Average Joe how did this turn out?

It sounded like my situation and I ended up really sad after she broke up with me.

 

[JoeBlack]

well, we are not seeing each other anymore..

My decision... I just think she is a bit mixed up and doesn't quite know what she wants.

Either way, I can't be doing with wasting my time and getting frustrated about it.

Little gutted, but not going to dwell on it. Definately her loss...

just gotta work on pimpin some other ladies

 

[Metalixia]

I've been in this situation before... what i should have done is walk away and move on... i learned the hard way and spent 4 months going throigh a major personality change coz of it.

you're a cool guy, a woman's a woman, no matter how special they might seem at the time, and whoever they are, however they act, the feeling they give us is always replacable.

 

[penkitten]

i bet theres someone else she is more interested in , and they came when this distance started ....