Why do recently divorced guys go right back into serious relationships?

[WestCoaster]

Never been married, so I ask this: Whenever a friend of mine goes through a divorce, they usually get right back into a very serious relationship. Actually all of my friends have done this. Is it the comfort of being with one person?

A good friend recently went through a nasty divorce, full of lawyers, lots of money, kids and custody time, relatives yelling at each other. Real bad stuff.

Once it's finalized he starts internet dating -- playing the field for a couple weeks. I applauded that. It was fun just tipping brews and watching sports with him and flirting with women at brew pubs.

But within weeks he's already in a real serious relationship, meeting girlfriend's parents this week (they've been dating about a month). Hey, nothing wrong with that, but I always thought a little bit of freedom might be nice to cherish for awhile.

Another recently divorced friend is trying to get real serious in a long distance relationship -- he's in Montana, she's in Wyoming. Good luck!

Another friend went through a bad one a few years ago, went right back into a serious relationship and got taken to court on something stupid by the gal, he hit her fence with his car and she sued him. He then went into another serious relationship, which ended badly. He's finally enjoying his freedom.

I guess these guys like the partnership ... and society of course frowns on the man who is enjoying playing the field.

Your takes?

 

[KontrollerX]

Some people just can't stand to be alone.

Hard for them to function.

Alternatively maybe your friend is just entertaining a rebound relationship to get him over the pain of his failed marriage and then once the pain subsides he will think clearly enough to seek out the type of woman he really would want if his rebound isn't such a woman when he looks at her with clear eyes.

 

[sodbuster]

As a recently divorced man,I can tell you. When you sit at home with no noise,people etc. and you are used to constant commotion;you get lonely. Your social circle of single women is gone,you haven't chased for years and not sure you want to go through that again. SO, the first woman you date wants a relationship-its familiar,you don't have to chase any more and she's not as bad as the ex was for the last couple years.NOT that she's good,but relatively speaking better than what you had.
In my case, nailed one a day after the divorce was final; thought 'that was still as easy as it used to be" and went on with my life. Spent a year not looking too hard,getting my life back,rebuilding a social circle of single women and rebuilding my finances. At first, friends were setting me up with 200lb women[I'd be a catch for THEM,not doing anything for me], now, they are actually doing a decent job.

 

[MatureDJ]

As sodbuster more or less said, when "new meat" comes up, everyone has a fat divorced single mommy that has a "nice personality" to pounce on him. If a divorced man has relatively low standards (i.e., relative to his own sexual market value), then he can get back into a relationship with no problem whatsoever.

One thing to keep in mind is that the type of man who would get married at an early age is mode likely the type who is a combination of higher sexual market value, has less of a problem of dating a woman with relatively lower sexual market value, and would rather be in a relationship than have his freedom. He is therefore going to much more likely to get involved quickly than the typical bachelor.

 

[STR8UP]

There are so many reasons I hardly know where to begin, but a lot of it has to do with an attempt to regain a sense of value, the "lonely old man" myth, and other societal pressures.

It isn't always just women who base their sense of value on having an SO in their life.

 

[WC2]

Sadly most men trick themselves into doing this.

It's what I like to call the vicious cycle of being lonely. They are forced out of a relationship and force themselves back into one. The only problem is it's not a true relationship.. it's just a temporary fix. They treat relationships like a drug.

Obviously not healthy.

Men who are nexted or even leave relationships on their own have a low self-value when coming out of it. Like previous posters said, they become lonely and feel the need for a companion. They value themselves at 0.

One of the most invigorating and exhilarating things is getting through this and fully building your value up to 100+ again. Knowing that you stood strong on your own and accomplished gaining your self dignity back is a feeling I cannot describe. This feeling gave me a high for not days or weeks, but years. And years to come.

You see, once you realize you can live on your own with the support of your friends and family, you are raised to your highest level.

For the men who get to this level, their life is 100% in their control. They succeed at what they do because they aren't distracted by other things (women). And yes, these men have wives and children. The difference is these men did not fall into this, but he chose a worthy woman for himself. His clear, single mind made a wise decision that he will most likely live to enjoy.

For the men who waiver around their low self-value, they are blind. Their decisions are rarely correct because they are in the wrong state of mind to make them! They will take whatever comes to them and turn them into their wive's because after all, that man cannot live on his own. He must have someone to support him and it doesn't really matter how unfaithful or imperfect for him she is. He has made this decision based on his own misfortunes and low self-value.

I see friends with low self-value everyday. It hurts to watch and you try to tell them that they are just beating themselves up. Usually, it's a no go. It takes them years upon women upon marriages till they find out how GREAT it is to feel one's sense of value. It should make most of us all the happier that we have caught on at such a young age. I'm thankful I've learned, at such a young age.

 

[Ballie]

Well said WC2. I have been divorced for 2 years and was chased by unworthy women. I have found out I can live by myself, but it was very lonely at first. I am improving myself in many ways and do not need 1 women to fulfill my life.

 

[WestCoaster]

Good answers

Very good answers from everyone. I guess being single for so long, I've adapted to doing things and living on my own, and it doesn't bother me. Sure, there are times of loneliness, if I said not, I'd be lying to you. But I certainly don't hate myself for not being married.

I do find it unusual that after years of living in misery a guy finally gets a chance to be by himself, re-assess things, perhaps develop some interests and hobbies, he goes right back into a relationship. I'm not talking about sleeping around, playing the field, I'm talking about relationships. There's a difference.

I just find it strange that less than a few days after getting out of what my friend said years of crap, he's ready to get into a relationship. No traveling, no developing new hobbies, no building a deck on his new house ... just devoting time to the new gal.

I find it odd, then again, people probably find me odd.

A good marriage or relationship is a good thing. I also think time away from relationships can be a good thing.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Was almost remarried before the ink dried on my divorce myself.

A lot of it has to do with your social circles. Once you are married you tend to hang with married people, you own homes, discuss hedge trimmers, bring the kids to T-ball, etc. etc. It's a comfort zone that once you are in it, it is very difficult to leave. It's much easier to just carry on with your regularly scheduled life, rather than viewing it from the standpoint that you have just been given a gift, and a chance to reinvent yourself.

I have friends on their 3rd marriages with this philosphy.

 

[insidious]

As so many of our British folks would say, I pity the poor blokes.
You're right...I've personally known 3 men who went from a divorce straight into some lame-ass obligatory relationship within months.

By and large, most guys out there are emotionally weak and can't fathom the thought of being alone!

I'm sure a lot of it depends on the reason for the divorce. Looking back in retrospect at my divorce, I think about 90% of it was due to my own sabotage...I did not want to be married and I did everything to make sure the marriage failed. I accept full responsibility for that. I should not have married to begin with.

Once I was on my own again I went on the rampage of self-destruction. Drinking, ****ing, true depravity. Something happened a few years ago which totallly turned my life around (it did not involve a woman). Anyways, I feel I have truly attained the state of self which WC2 referred to. I can say that proudly, it's taken a while, but I've always been super independent and quite the loner, so divorce for me was the most liberating, refreshing thing that could have happened to me. Women are great, I've had more than my fair share. Does my life revolve around them would I drop everything for one. Um, nah, not even. Therein lies true autonomy.

 

[WestCoaster]

Great answers ...

... by Andy and Insidious.

I dislike the term "rebound" because what's more important is left out and that is personal reflection.

Now granted, some of these quick bounce backs work out well. I don't have any stats on what is more successful. I do know the majority of my divorced friends who did the quick bounce back had second failed marriages or relationships. They spent zero time reflecting on not only what went wrong the first time, but more importantly getting some individual time to themselves. There's something to be said about developing your own personality and hobbies by yourself, not having them dictated by someone else.

Also, for those who hang out with married friends, like Andy said, I'm sure there's some hidden pressure to get married again. Funny, my friends who feel stuck in bad marriages, are dying for some alone time right now.

There is no given time, one week, one month, one year, etc. There should be some time alone, however, to get a break and gather oneself. Then again, what do I know, I haven't been married, that's like me (a marginal cook) telling a French Chef that his omlet is too overcooked.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

At least in the US, the culture promotes marriage. As it should. There are many advantages to being married, the most important being the proper raising of children in a stable, 2-parent household with parents that truly love each other is light years better than the single mom/single dad/step parent routine.

It's not a question of being a French Chef, really. Its more a scenario that by getting married and even more importantly having children you assume a certain risk, (i.e. possible future divorce, birth defects, kids on drugs, etc.) to obtain a certain reward (incredible sex life whenever, wherever you want it, monetary gains, successful children). For a man, marriage and having children means that you have to elevate your level of maturity and performance to support others around you.

Assuming any risk, as we know, is considered an attractive quality. This is why women are by and large attracted to married or recently divorced men and I think to a large extent the opposite is true too.

 

[WestCoaster]

I'm actually for marriage

Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong proponent of marriage. And I totally agree with you in that's the best way to raise children, with a two-parent household.

I'm even supportive of men and women who want to get re-married, again, totally behind that.

However, the thread here is to ask the question of why would a recently divorced man jump right back into the fire. I'm talking about within weeks of his divorce he's back in a very serious relationship. That seems stupid. There's no time for reflection or time alone. He has this tiny window of having his life to himself, which I think is a good thing.

I think it has more to do with American culture. While the U.S. culture rightfully supports and approves marriage, it wrongfully hates, disdains, and discriminates against singles. If you don't believe me, I have plenty of examples for you.

I think married life is great if it's a good marriage. And I think single life is great if it works for that person.

I don't think a person should be judged on whether they're single or married, rather they should be judged on their character.

That said, I still don't know why recently divorced guys are ready to get back into a relationship within weeks of their divorce. I understand why they might want to have sex with a different woman, but I have no idea why they'd desire being tied down immediately. Just seems strange to me ... then again, what do I know?

 

[forward]

I have a friend who got into a "serious" relationship like the week after his divorce. I think I met the new girl the same night he informed me of the divorce. So yeah, this happens. I remember thinking "what are you doing?" He hated being married and not having his freedom, and then so quickly after he's got this new girl getting him to spend his time on stuff he doesn't like. He was "in love", so I guess none of those details matter.

But I understand why it happens. Immediately after ending a toxic relationship of mine, I almost got myself into another one. No matter how bad a relationship is, there will be a void left behind after the breakup. Eventually you can mostly fill this void with hobbies/interests/growth, and end up with more self-worth than ever, but it takes time.

Another thing to consider is that many of these guys don't know how "play the field" or have casual-sex relationships with women. Their only way of interacting with women is from a "serious relationship" frame. I know this because I struggle with it myself. Whatever I'm doing gives the girls I date the impression that I want a relationship, not just fun. And the girls quickly get attached. Relationships are good and well, but I'm trying to work on this as I feel I need to do a bit more exploring (a.k.a. playing the field) before entering another one.

 

[STR8UP]

I can proudly say that although I have never been married, I HAVE lived with several women, and been in even more LTR's, and ALWAYS, every single time, I have taken a "break" in between women.

Don't get me wrong.....there were times I wished I had "someone" there when I was getting over the ex, but never, not one time did I jump from relationship to relationship.

People are weak. They buy into all sorts of crap that is shoved down our throats from birth. They rely on external factors to make them "whole".

This generally applies to women across the board, but some men can have the same tendencies.

 

[WestCoaster]

Lots of good answers here, I've been impressed with the responses here. I'm getting more of a grip on why guys do this. I don't agree with it, but I'm coming to a better understanding of it.

Great stuff, guys.

Great quote from STR8UP

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People are weak. They buy into all sorts of crap that is shoved down our throats from birth. They rely on external factors to make them "whole".
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That says a lot about what I'm talking about and life in general.