Why can't I be nice!?

[Boricua_33015]

For some reason I find it hard to compliment people when they deserve a compliment, or make them feel good with "picker uppers" to feed their egos.... or just saying these things to be nice.

I think it was part of my conditioning of the whole DJ persona that being nice suddenly makes me feel weird, and sort of ashamed. I very rarely say nice things and do acts of kindness but when I do it seems forced, and fake... and it makes me think I look like one of those "look down upon" nice guys.

Its just so hard to project love and kindness!

Anyone else experience this?

 

[Eternal]

Moved to Discussion.

 

[Phoebus]

You've been brainwashed, my friend. There is nothing wrong with being nice. So many people tell me I am "good hearted" and "kind." If you think those qualities have anything to do with being "nice," as a woman means it, you are wrong.

OK, off topic, but will explain what I mean. The other night, I watched about "ball turret gunners" in WWII. These guys put themselves in compartments barely big enough for them, with only one escape hatch above them (accessable only at a certain angle), underneath the bomber. Needless to say, the majority of them aren't with us today. These guys were very "nice." Damn, it was the 40's. Who wasn't "nice?" Being a good human being has zilch to do with being manly, and that is all a woman wants; a man.

(And maybe I am sick, but if I was in the AF back then, that is the position I would have volunteered for).

 

[Boricua_33015]

So... I guess.... I just need to face me "insecurity" whatever it is, my fear of being nice, and practice acts of kindness regularly.

See... but for some reason, it makes me feel like I am giving away POWER or something.... like it makes me vulnerable to act kind.

Even a simple smile is hard for me to do... I don't smile at people. I only smile when I am happy, or when I laugh... but not to make others happy or make them feel good.

When I smile at someone it seems forced... and there's a fakeness to it, which makes my smile look.. I dunno.... GAY.

LOL

I dunno.. but smiling at a guy also seems weird.... it is easier to talk to people WHILE having that lingering smile which in turn makes them smile at everything I say because I have that hidden smile in between words and stuff, but it just makes me look happy. But I don't do any smiling by itself unless I am happy or laughing.

I mean, what will people think when I smile for no reason... I mean, don't I have to have a reason to smile?

I kinda only smile for myself and not for others...

Is it selfish?

 

[Phoebus]

You'rent (is that the correct puct? I started as a Journalism majore so it *is* important) that far from me. Look, in my lifetime, I've had three little brothers. None of them have been biological. Two have involved higschool, and another through my fraternity

Look, (beyond the fact that I am drunk, and I am drinking as we speak), I have been trhough as much, if not more, than anyone here. I have been in jail, I have been involved with highly illeagal activities, and, I am not proud of this, I have seen *many* people die for many reasons.

Squirlles (and I can't spell) knows B-more. It is not a pretty place to grow up in. (I guess part of the reason I would be a baller turrent gunner. I've seen death': it is a part of life.)

To you, specifially, do'nt be araid of anything. That is "AFC." Many would say acting "tihs" way or "that" way" is AFC. They are right. But, then again, they are wrong. It is up tp you what is needed in any given situation. If you do sometheing just because "Pook" or "DIESEL" say it must be so, I will laugh at you. Do things because you say it is so. That confidence will show.

To think that complimenting anyone gives away your power is pathetic. Why? Because you have no power.

 

[LikRetsam]

sigh, brainwashed little child. You have grown to be a jackass, I'm sorry to say (excuse my bashing) . You can't give people a single sincere compliment? Because some1 here told you it was afc'ish to compliment. Congrats, you are not worthy of the ranks of a DJ because you do not understand what it's about. You believe in rules! You believe that there is right or wrong, good or bad. You, have already failed.
You can't be nice because you chugged all the **** on this site down without a grain of salt.

[claps]

 

[Phoebus]

LikRetsam,

What accomplishmen't have you acheived? Uhm... I am waiting... Oh, Nothing. Cool. It must make you feel good to b!tch at others. Don't f*ck with my boy. You are a zealot. I will sh!t on you and you will thank me for it. I've already taken a drunken interest.

My football career was report in the Baltimore Sun from the time I was 7 until I as 18. Got anything to compare to?

Dunno why I feel this way, but Boricua_33015, contact me at l33tLinuxUsr on AIM (a joke if you know me). Or not.

Phoebus (Look it up in Britanica a$$hole)

 

[Boricua_33015]

Phoebus: I don't know if that last statement you wrote was intended to be a diss or a fact.. but it does not matter because the truth is, it is a fact.

I don't have "power" in the way that I thought about it as that it can be taken away.... it is just plain insecurity, and feeling of vulnerability. I see your point clearly.

LikRetSam (& Phoebus): I can comprehend where the misunderstanding started to occur. It started in my way of stating my problem.

After I posted the last reply, I thought about my problem, and analyzed it, and have remembered that I actually had a problem with projecting kindness and love in general all the time, NOT just after I came across the DJ forums. My mind was looking for an excuse that I could relate to in recent times.... but I failed to look DEEPER and into the past about when this behaviour started to occur. Why, and when is not important to you.. just know that it was not brought on by sosuave.com.

I don't even do the whole C&F deal, and I respect EVERYONE equally and even women that don't deserve respect get it from me. I know about the whole "take it with a grain of salt" ****, so don't gimme that crap.

The fact is, I DID used to be a sumbmissive prick and doormat as an AFC, but I wasn't really NICE to anyone except to women I liked and only women I liked and complimenting them was very hard for me. I was submissive, self pitying and nice in the "nice-guy" sorta way, but I despised complimenting them because I feared becoming vulnerable after.

So.. to say that I and only I have brainwashed is totally overlooking yourselves because EVERYONE is brainwashed. By social conditioning, and by sosuave too, just to a certain point. I was brainwashed by social conditioning and my parents that projecting kindness and love was wrong because it leaves you vulnerable, and have experienced acts of abuse very early in my life because I have tried to project kindness and love. That deeply scarred me and now I have to work towards embracing the feelings I get now that have been anchored to acts of kindness and love, and try to work towards releasing those feelings so I can finally start doing acts of good towards people to replenish my heart, and to stop denying these feelings of love I have had in my heart.

The problem I have with smiling is due to the depression I had, and the self consiousness I had of myself smiling.

I have found a solution to this problem... I actually LEARNED how to project a natural smile in the mirror. It made me look quite sexy . It had more lower lip movement curling upwards, and more pinching at the cheeks. I probably just haven't experienced such a natural smile much in my life to get a "feel" for it so I can project it naturally.

Thanks for your posts... I was not completely honest with myself... I actually am grateful you 2 react in that way because it made me see the fault in that post.

Peace.

 

[Boricua_33015]

Originally posted by Phoebus
LikRetsam,

What accomplishmen't have you acheived? Uhm... I am waiting... Oh, Nothing. Cool. It must make you feel good to b!tch at others. Don't f*ck with my boy. You are a zealot. I will sh!t on you and you will thank me for it. I've already taken a drunken interest.

My football career was report in the Baltimore Sun from the time I was 7 until I as 18. Got anything to compare to?

Dunno why I feel this way, but Boricua_33015, contact me at l33tLinuxUsr on AIM (a joke if you know me). Or not.

Phoebus (Look it up in Britanica a$$hole)

riiiight.... so who is the ******* now?

And if you got angry because you think that question was intended to make you look like an ******* you must be mistaken because I did not say that you were an *******.... you answered that question yourself by getting angry. You called yourself an *******.

Peace.

 

[Trogdawg]

I have a similar problem. I use to be nice all the time, now i don't like to make others smile because it feels like I'm entertainment. Like a jester or something. A very odd problem that i'm going to have to think about more. Thx boricua for bringing this topic up.

 

[Phoebus]

And if you got angry because you think that question was intended to make you look like an ******* you must be mistaken because I did not say that you were an *******.... you answered that question yourself by getting angry. You called yourself an *******.

Peace.

Exactly! No argument from me. I am in a state of pure dumbass. Looked for a fight at the pub and there were no takers. Guess I have to settle with the net. (But, don't ignore my posts... Sometimes I spew relavent knowledge). Damn Ravens...

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

I think you can't be nice because you are a boricua and relates to the machismo attitude prevalent in spanish cultures. Don't smile unless it is geuinely felt!!!!!

 

[Psycho`Sexual]

love

In order to love others, you HAVE to love yourself first.


Love is not something that happens, it can only be expressed.

If you are blocking love from sweeping out of you, you have to find the blocks and fix those first.


After you fully accept and love yourself, you will automatically just let that internal love flow out for every man and woman to enjoy.

 

[Boricua_33015]

This kinda has been stopping me from smiling at girls as a sign of "my prey has been spotted"...

But like I said I learned how to project that natural smile, and mixed with the underlook looks damn sinister and sexy at the same time.

I am glad because this is a new found skill to me.

The best way to disarm people is with a smile... and I realize that my lack of smiles usually puts everyone in an uncomfortable, and sort of nervous state... sort of intimidating because I always look mad.... so that either made people intimidated by me, or have their sheild up.

 

[Boricua_33015]

In order to love others, you HAVE to love yourself first.


Love is not something that happens, it can only be expressed.

If you are blocking love from sweeping out of you, you have to find the blocks and fix those first.


After you fully accept and love yourself, you will automatically just let that internal love flow out for every man and woman to enjoy.

That is exactly what I realized with this thread. Making this thread helped me realize alot. Thanks for the awesome replies, and the not so awesome replies... I apolagize for the misunderstanding but I think if it was not for that I wouldn't have gotten closer (or deeper) into my psyche to find where my problem dwelled.

I think you can't be nice because you are a boricua and relates to the machismo attitude prevalent in spanish cultures. Don't smile unless it is geuinely felt!!!!!

Actually, I genuinely felt alot of feelings from my heart in the past, but I denyed them, or held them in because of self limitations due to unwanted feelings that I hadn't let go of.

After I realized which feelings I had to let go of, letting them go was a simple process.

Thank you all.

 

[iqqi]

a special cat

i had a friend. his personality was like a force of nature, he did what he want how he wanted, and could definately be described as obnoxious. but he was realer than almost anyone i have ever met. out of all of the characteristics that made him so special, (good and bad), none of them were done with the expectation of outcome. it was all genuine, all sincere.

one of the things that stands out about him was his ability to compliment. his compliments were so sincere, so true, so bizarre, and given so freely. to the point where it was mushy and blush inducing! but that didn't stop him!

i remember once we were driving. i was in the backseat, he was driving, and another cat was in the front passenger seat. this other cat was a real assh0le, one of those macho alpha types, but him and my boy were real tight. out of nowhere my boy glanced over at Alpha, lovingly, and said "dog, you are so handsome."

ahahhahahahaha!!! that was my boy!

i remember a few months before he died, he called me up late one night. his feelings were obviously hurt, i could hear them bleeding through the phone. he said that a girl told him tonight that he had beautiful eyes. he wanted to know if that was true.

"do i have beautiful eyes?"

he did. his eyes were slanted and exotic, and his best feature.

"yes, you're eyes are very beautiful." i agreed. it was something i always thought, common knowledge.

he sounded very hurt, very childlike. "how come noone ever told me?" he asked.


i learned not to take things for granted, and that part of that is giving compliments where they are due. a person shouldn't have to earn a deserved compliment through the way they treat you. they should earn it just through the display of it alone. now that part of him is a part of me.

 

[Boricua_33015]

iqqi you just inspired me to write up a post about that. I actually have thought of that same thing which you describe. Your boy obviously had a good heart. It is a shame that such a good person had to die, but I think of it that he has passed on to the next phase of a never ending journey. I am glad he has influenced you in such a way.

 

[bishopdonjuan]

This post is excellent. Iqqi, that story is quite inspiring for me as it should be for all of us. I think a lot of times when we are in this forum we start thinking so much about women, and changing our actions so that we affect them positively that we forget the point...becoming a better person. I think the quickest way to being a Don Juan is to realize that, I can't say I'm the best Don Juan here, but I know that keeping that goal as my primary goal, and not really thinking of it specifically as honing my "woman skills" naturalizes it all and makes certain things come across in interaction with all people.

However, I must assent to the being a victim of the same thing baruci is...in a rather different way. I'm an extremely jovial person, and i'm always making people laugh, so I never have a lack of smiles. The thing I do lack now, is compliments. Before coming to this site I think I wasn't as funny because I hadn't mastered conversation as much, but I knew how to fake a compliment, and gave them readily. When understanding that compliments should be used sparingly, I guess I took it overboard, I can't remember the last time I've complimented a girl i've been with.

I haven't been too encouraged to do otherwise because frankly, all the other qualities I have combined with my sense of humor has kept them on...i've even had a girl fall in love with me and ask me "why i can't say anything nice".

Upon first starting reading this post I thought, maybe I should compliment more, but when reading Iqqi's post I realize it goes back to the same thing I thought I was living by...helping create a better person. Not complimenting more or less because Don Juan says so, but complimenting genuinely when those compliments are due, and never letting those moments pass, if not for your love of women, just for your love of people.