Where do women draw the line between persistence and desperation

[PUA in Training]

Okay, say a guy has OneItis. NOT me, just some random guy who is NOT me, okay? I remember reading in another thread (can't remember which one) something about the approach "I'm going to impress her, win her heart, etc" sometimes working on women who want to be married.

Now, everyone here knows the first, most important thing a DJ needs to do is have a life of his own independent of any woman. "Please love me, I need you, I can't live without you" is about as far removed from sexy to a woman as you can get. But what about a man who has a life of his own, enjoys his life, and has found the woman he would like to spend the rest of his life with, but he's not her "type"?

Is it still desperation if the guy has the attitude that trying to impress this woman and win her heart would be a fun challenge? I mean, if he can have fun with it instead of a "life or death" attitude? Not desperation as far as the guy is concerned, but from the woman's point of view?

This random guy, who is NOT me, has gone the desperation route. It not only didn't get him what he wanted (her), but was also a source of incredible heartache for him, the big lug Now he's wanting to work on being the guy who's just passionate about life in general, loves challenges, lives to challenge himself and have new experiences. And a guy who approaches getting the woman of his dreams with the same passion as he does everything else, not because he NEEDS her, but because that's just the kind of guy he is.

Will a woman still see that as desperation? Isn't this what being a DJ is all about? Being passionate about life and enjoying it, including getting the woman (or women) he wants? Not needs but wants. Or is this random guy, who is NOT, I repeat is NOT me, just deceiving himself?

 

[Phyzzle]

It depends:

Did she just say "You're not my type."

Or did she give a real indicator of low interest (too busy to hang out or return your calls)?

If it's 2, man, it's gonna be so insanely hard to bring her interest back up. Better off trying to find another equally attractive girl.

 

[blueguy]

It's all based on perception, and that's something you can't change. You may be living your life passionately and spinning the perfect amount of plates, but if you call too soon, too late, say something the wrong way, etc., she may perceive it as desperation even if it is just pure persistance.

That's why it's been called a numbers game. You can't ultimately change her perception. Different girls live under different circumstances and perceive things differently. Just do the best you can. Persist, yet keep the main focus on your own life. And at the end of the day realize that you won't win them all.

 

[donjuanapprentice01]

Well, with my current oneitis, it's definitely not desperation on my part.

For example, I never contact her, she always contacts me, etc... She wants to hang with me, and I have nothing better to do, then yeah, we hang.

BUT! When she hangs with me, I will flirt with her. I'm also starting to be more ****y as well, not putting up with her BS. So yeah, I can say that I'm a persistant MF, but then again, if I wasn't persistant and hungry in everything I do (job, my small biz, etc...) I would have gotten nowhere.

 

[Hitman10000]

Over the phone, email, in person or in any situation when we are not ALONE, I treat her like any other guy/gal pal. I keep it light, occasionally humorous, occasionally serious.

Only in private does she become the center of my attention or until she has proven her loyalty to me. (about 6-9 months if you may)

 

[PUA in Training]

It depends:

Did she just say "You're not my type."

Or did she give a real indicator of low interest (too busy to hang out or return your calls)?

If it's 2, man, it's gonna be so insanely hard to bring her interest back up. Better off trying to find another equally attractive girl.

She's indicated that its my lack of confidence that she finds unattractive. She hasn't said that in so many words but things she's said have indicated that. She always puts confidence and independence at the top of her list of things she wants in a man.

When I said once that I didn't feel like I was attractive, she said "you're attractive, you just need confidence." She also said she wants a man with a really big ****. I'm average sized (I know, TMI) but hey, one thing at a time

 

[PUA in Training]

Persist, yet keep the main focus on your own life. And at the end of the day realize that you won't win them all.

That's right. That's why the first thing I have to do is change my mindset to where getting her is just as important to me as any other challenge, no more no less. Where I just enjoy the thrill of the challenge (the thrill of the chase if you like), and am not attached to the outcome. Where I'd really LIKE to have this woman in my life, but I don't NEED to. That's the key difference.

 

[Desdinova]

But what about a man who has a life of his own, enjoys his life, and has found the woman he would like to spend the rest of his life with, but he's not her "type"?

This is almost an oxymoron. Why would a man want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who has no interest in him? If she doesn't show interest in him, she is not his ideal woman.

 

[Phyzzle]

When I said once that I didn't feel like I was attractive,

Ouch. Pretty bad thing to say. Don't fish for her compliments by putting yourself down. I'd say there's no realistic chance with this girl. Use her as social proof - if you can mentally let go of her. (If not, break contact.)

She also said she wants a man with a really big ****. I'm average sized (I know, TMI) but hey, one thing at a time

How does she know the size of your ****?

Anyway, never ask a woman what she "wants". If you're going to ask anything, ask what her last boyfriend was like right when she started banging him. That's what you want to be like.

Better to not ask anything, just assume that ur awesome.

 

[PUA in Training]

I know you hear this from AFC's all the time, but you just don't understand. This guy I've been for most of my life isn't me. It's not the REAL me. I'm so much more than I've demonstrated all my life. I'm not talking about pursuing her now, the way I am now. But when I'm the man I know I can be.

When I can honestly say that I don't NEED her, but I would LIKE to be with her. When trying to win her is not something I approach with life or death seriousness, but something I'm doing for a challenge, just to see if I can get her, just because it's fun. I just want to be able to say that she saw me at my best, you know? If she's still not interested in me, well by then I'll know that I can get practically any woman I want.

When I know I gave it my absolute best shot, when I can say she saw me at my Alpha Male best, then I'll be able to move on. Of course, that's assuming that I'll even still want her when I'm that guy.

 

[flexion_]

If you *ARE* desperate then women can tell. They have a better intuitive nature of such things than men.

It really makes no difference if pretend not to be desperate. There in lies your/the problem.

Seems you are making this way too complicated.

 

[Phyzzle]

When I know I gave it my absolute best shot, then I'll be able to move on.

Sound fine. But when that switch is thrown in a woman's head, she can never see the real you.

EXPERIENCE speaking here: I'm no keyboard jockey. I've never attracted a woman who knew me in AFC days, and I never will, no matter what a DJ I am now. I've tried again and again, buddy.

 

[MightyMate]

If You are a real man, and You did some ****ty stuff "I need you, I can't live without you" is the only thing that can save Your ass.
Dunno when girls rate it for masculine and when for pathetic.

 

[vp171s]

It's quite simple and goes something like this...

To get a woman, you have to be able to live without her.

 

[Blue-eyed Devil]

If you *ARE* desperate then women can tell. They have a better intuitive nature of such things than men.

Seems you are making this way too complicated.

Too true.

 

[DarthJuan]

She's indicated that its my lack of confidence that she finds unattractive. She hasn't said that in so many words but things she's said have indicated that. She always puts confidence and independence at the top of her list of things she wants in a man.

When I said once that I didn't feel like I was attractive, she said "you're attractive, you just need confidence." She also said she wants a man with a really big ****. I'm average sized (I know, TMI) but hey, one thing at a time

I'm in a similar situation.
I really pushed for a relationship with this one girl. I reeked to high heaven of desperation with her. She told me once that I was like the girl and she was like the guy. Hahaha...she was so right!!! Pretty pathetic.

I'd get all clingy and ultra-sappy romantic with her. She gets real uncomfortable when I get that way because she probably thinks that if we did some fooling around I'd turn into some crazy, love-struck stalker or something. If I had kept it light, fun and without pressure...I'm pretty sure I could have f-closed her on a few occassions.

I'm getting over her because the more I know and find out about her, the less relationship material she becomes. But I'm trying to stay around her peripherally for the oppurtunity to get a ONS with her. But killing the desperation has been hard with her...other chicks it's easy...but I get so sappy with her :-/

 

[Bvbidd]

Sound fine. But when that switch is thrown in a woman's head, she can never see the real you.

EXPERIENCE speaking here: I'm no keyboard jockey. I've never attracted a woman who knew me in AFC days, and I never will, no matter what a DJ I am now. I've tried again and again, buddy.

You can throw that switch back. But it won't work if you try. It has to be like if she sees you a year later and your different. It can't be you trying everyday or you never really changed did you?

 

[d9930380]

Move on. She is looking for a confident player type, the real alpha male, a guy all girls will be jealous off. She won't ever see you like that because of what you've done in the past. Because she is also focused on **** size, it means she is more wanting passion and great sex (something she doesn't ever believe you could provide), rather than love and companionship (what you have to offer). She's looking for a trophy boyfriend.

What will happen, is she will date alot of jerks while you're constently there as her emotional tampon and friend however she will never respect you enough (she won't feel your good enough).

The only chance you have is to break ALL contact, just tell her that you don't see her as just a friend and never can do and therefore you can't see her. Concentrate on changing your life and moving on and don't let her back in.

Then later down the line when you've become more the guy she wants and she has been ****ed over by all the jerks, her oppinion might have changed to want the things you offer. You might have a chance.

HOWEVER - Chances are is that you ARE desparate and that's the real reason why your "in love" with this girl and when you do change you won't want her back. Ironically that will be the time she wants you.

 

[wayword]

Good question. How do you be persistent without being desperate? Because persistence does sometimes wear a girl down so she gives in... So, what exactly is the difference?