Ok. Since I seem to be all pro marriage. I will share from marriage builders the article "When to call it quits"
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When to Call It Quits
(Part 1)
By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.
The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouse's lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does. I'm in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a couple's control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I'm opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement -- that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love.
In this Q&A column, I'll feature a letter I received from a spouse who was told to love unconditionally. Her husband has failed to meet her emotional needs, and is unwilling to do anything about it. Next week, I'll feature a letter from a wife whose husband has been physically and emotionally abusive. Both of these women want to know when enough is enough. When should they call it quits?
On the subject of neglect, I've chosen to feature a marriage that isn't all that bad from most people's perspective, but isn't good either. L.R.'s husband hasn't abandoned her physically, leaving her to fend for herself. Instead, he's only abandoned her emotionally. They probably even have a friendship of sorts. It's cases like these that leave a wife struggling to know what to do.
As it turns out, most of these women divorce their husbands. In fact, research I've personally conducted in the archives of government statistics on the causes of divorce lead me to believe that as many as 80% of all divorces are caused by neglect. Women like L.R. suddenly call it quits with little warning, leaving her husband, family and friends scratching their heads wondering what's wrong with her.
In this Q&A column, I describe what spouses usually do when faced with neglect, and then I explain what spouses should do. My approach is radical, and very controversial. But keep in mind the point I've just made-80% of divorces are caused by neglect. There's a much higher risk of divorce in marriages where spouses are not meeting each other's emotional needs than there is in all the marriages that suffer from physical and verbal abuse, chemical dependency, unemployment, and all other causes combined.
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Dear Dr. Harley,
I just want to say thank you for your column on unconditional love. It explains a lot and eliminates a lot of confusion for me personally. Additionally, I will tell you that all you said bears witness with my experience in 20 years of marriage thus far. So....as I read all you said, my marriage experience lines up with it. You're right.
We have half of the recipe for being in love. My husband does nothing to hurt me. But he also does nothing to meet any of my important emotional needs. When I tell him that I want more from him emotionally, he tells me that he believes in unconditional love. I am not to require more of him emotionally because he doesn't know how to give it, and he doesn't want to learn. So I live emotionally disconnected from him. All my efforts over our 20 years together to grow together have failed because he believes in unconditional love.
It is a great relief for me to have you explain all of this, but what can I do about it? Am I stuck with a man who doesn't hurt me, but also doesn't meet any of my emotional needs?
L. R.
- - - - - -
Dear L. R. You've witnessed my greatest objection to the concept of unconditional love: It makes people think they shouldn't have to do anything to be loved. When you complain about your husband's failure to meet important emotional needs, he says, "So what! You should love me regardless of what I do."
Countless marriages face the same problem. One or both spouses feel that they're entitled to love, so they do what they please, which usually ruins their marriage. What can be done about it? Here are the options.
First, I'll tell you what most people do, and then I'll explain what should be done.
The most common first response to a spouse's neglect is to complain: "I'd like it if you'd be more affectionate." A complaint is an effort to communicate a problem without being demanding, disrespectful, or angry. It's a notification there's an opportunity to make deposits (or avoid withdrawals) from the Love Bank. There's nothing wrong with that initial approach to the problem of neglect since it's simply communicating a need.
But when that doesn't produce results, mistakes usually follow. The first mistake is to criticize: "Why do you ignore me? What's wrong with you?" A criticism adds demands, disrespect, and/or anger to the complaint. The message of an unmet emotional need is buried under layers of abuse. Instead of creating a cooperative partner, it creates an adversary.
When criticism fails, and it almost always does, the next step is usually to stop meeting the other spouse's emotional needs: "If you won't meet my emotional needs, I won't meet yours." And that usually means sex. It seems fair at the time, but as with criticism it usually doesn't work and leads to a steady deterioration of the relationship. Spouses start living independent lives, sleeping in different rooms, going on separate vacations, having separate friends, separate checking accounts, separate recreational activities - they become ships passing in the night.
At this point, they often make the biggest mistake of their lives-one or both spouses have an affair. There are no excuses for infidelity, but the reason most people give for having an affair is that their intimate emotional needs (affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship) are not being met in marriage. And since 60% of all marriages experience that extremely painful betrayal, this response to unmet emotional needs, which is common in marriage, is almost a certainty.
When a complaint doesn't work, and criticism doesn't work, and independent lifestyles don't work, and an affair doesn't work, then there's always divorce as a final answer to the question, "What should you do if your spouse isn't meeting your emotional needs?" There's little reason to fake it anymore. The marriage is broken, so why pretend that you're still married?
L.R., it doesn't sound as if you've reached the point in your marriage where you're thinking about divorce, or even having an affair. So let me take you back to the beginning, and give you the steps I'd recommend to help you get what you need in your marriage.
The first step, as I mentioned earlier, should be to express your need clearly without demands, disrespect, or anger. Invite your husband to complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire with you that can be copied from the Questionnaires section of the Marriage Builders® website. After you have each described your most important emotional needs, the book ,"His Needs, Her Needs," will help you learn to meet those needs for each other. The accompanying workbook, "Five Steps to Romantic Love," provides worksheets that will help you both implement a plan to turn need -- fulfilling behavior into habits.
This first step may solve your problem. Your husband may respond positively to your request, and the issue of unconditional love may not become a factor in his thinking. What I'm recommending is a focused appeal. Instead of just asking him to read a book, you're asking him to fill out a questionnaire that will help you understand each other better. Then, the book will help you solve any problems that come to light after reading each other's answers. It might work.
But if your husband refuses to accept your offer, the next step I recommend is very controversial, but when you compare it to the alternatives, it makes the most sense. It has two parts. I call one part plan A, and the other plan B. These two parts are to be executed sequentially -- plan A is first, followed by plan B.
Plan A is to give your husband "unconditional love" for a brief period of time, usually a month. I know. I've just written two columns that warn against unconditional love. But I've never been opposed to its use if it's intended to prime the pump. One spouse can't save a marriage, but one spouse can often set an example that the other spouse will sometimes follow. Plan A is to avoid all Love Busters, and to meet the other spouse's emotional needs without expecting anything in return immediately. But it also involves communicating the importance of reciprocity. Along with being an angel, you also explain that you expect your needs to eventually be met, too.
But before you begin plan A, prepare for plan B, which is to completely separate from your husband. You can't simply move out of the bedroom. You must move from the house, or have him move. If you live in a state that supports legal separation, go to the trouble to see an attorney so that all financial and legal arrangements are made in advance. Be sure that you can support yourself for an extended period of time, such as a year.
If you have young children, I would advise you to require your husband to move, and for you to remain in the home with your children. If the children are grown, I'd advise you to move and pick a living space that is cheerful and uplifting. You'll go through quite a few emotional ups and downs and the place you live can be either inspiring or depressing. Make sure it's inspiring.
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More to come - the rest won't fit and I am out of posting ability for the day
also if you want to read the rest of this before I post it. Pm me and I will send you the link. Or wait til tomorrow.
-----------------------------------------
When to Call It Quits
(Part 1)
By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.
The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouse's lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does. I'm in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a couple's control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I'm opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement -- that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love.
In this Q&A column, I'll feature a letter I received from a spouse who was told to love unconditionally. Her husband has failed to meet her emotional needs, and is unwilling to do anything about it. Next week, I'll feature a letter from a wife whose husband has been physically and emotionally abusive. Both of these women want to know when enough is enough. When should they call it quits?
On the subject of neglect, I've chosen to feature a marriage that isn't all that bad from most people's perspective, but isn't good either. L.R.'s husband hasn't abandoned her physically, leaving her to fend for herself. Instead, he's only abandoned her emotionally. They probably even have a friendship of sorts. It's cases like these that leave a wife struggling to know what to do.
As it turns out, most of these women divorce their husbands. In fact, research I've personally conducted in the archives of government statistics on the causes of divorce lead me to believe that as many as 80% of all divorces are caused by neglect. Women like L.R. suddenly call it quits with little warning, leaving her husband, family and friends scratching their heads wondering what's wrong with her.
In this Q&A column, I describe what spouses usually do when faced with neglect, and then I explain what spouses should do. My approach is radical, and very controversial. But keep in mind the point I've just made-80% of divorces are caused by neglect. There's a much higher risk of divorce in marriages where spouses are not meeting each other's emotional needs than there is in all the marriages that suffer from physical and verbal abuse, chemical dependency, unemployment, and all other causes combined.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Dr. Harley,
I just want to say thank you for your column on unconditional love. It explains a lot and eliminates a lot of confusion for me personally. Additionally, I will tell you that all you said bears witness with my experience in 20 years of marriage thus far. So....as I read all you said, my marriage experience lines up with it. You're right.
We have half of the recipe for being in love. My husband does nothing to hurt me. But he also does nothing to meet any of my important emotional needs. When I tell him that I want more from him emotionally, he tells me that he believes in unconditional love. I am not to require more of him emotionally because he doesn't know how to give it, and he doesn't want to learn. So I live emotionally disconnected from him. All my efforts over our 20 years together to grow together have failed because he believes in unconditional love.
It is a great relief for me to have you explain all of this, but what can I do about it? Am I stuck with a man who doesn't hurt me, but also doesn't meet any of my emotional needs?
L. R.
- - - - - -
Dear L. R. You've witnessed my greatest objection to the concept of unconditional love: It makes people think they shouldn't have to do anything to be loved. When you complain about your husband's failure to meet important emotional needs, he says, "So what! You should love me regardless of what I do."
Countless marriages face the same problem. One or both spouses feel that they're entitled to love, so they do what they please, which usually ruins their marriage. What can be done about it? Here are the options.
First, I'll tell you what most people do, and then I'll explain what should be done.
The most common first response to a spouse's neglect is to complain: "I'd like it if you'd be more affectionate." A complaint is an effort to communicate a problem without being demanding, disrespectful, or angry. It's a notification there's an opportunity to make deposits (or avoid withdrawals) from the Love Bank. There's nothing wrong with that initial approach to the problem of neglect since it's simply communicating a need.
But when that doesn't produce results, mistakes usually follow. The first mistake is to criticize: "Why do you ignore me? What's wrong with you?" A criticism adds demands, disrespect, and/or anger to the complaint. The message of an unmet emotional need is buried under layers of abuse. Instead of creating a cooperative partner, it creates an adversary.
When criticism fails, and it almost always does, the next step is usually to stop meeting the other spouse's emotional needs: "If you won't meet my emotional needs, I won't meet yours." And that usually means sex. It seems fair at the time, but as with criticism it usually doesn't work and leads to a steady deterioration of the relationship. Spouses start living independent lives, sleeping in different rooms, going on separate vacations, having separate friends, separate checking accounts, separate recreational activities - they become ships passing in the night.
At this point, they often make the biggest mistake of their lives-one or both spouses have an affair. There are no excuses for infidelity, but the reason most people give for having an affair is that their intimate emotional needs (affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship) are not being met in marriage. And since 60% of all marriages experience that extremely painful betrayal, this response to unmet emotional needs, which is common in marriage, is almost a certainty.
When a complaint doesn't work, and criticism doesn't work, and independent lifestyles don't work, and an affair doesn't work, then there's always divorce as a final answer to the question, "What should you do if your spouse isn't meeting your emotional needs?" There's little reason to fake it anymore. The marriage is broken, so why pretend that you're still married?
L.R., it doesn't sound as if you've reached the point in your marriage where you're thinking about divorce, or even having an affair. So let me take you back to the beginning, and give you the steps I'd recommend to help you get what you need in your marriage.
The first step, as I mentioned earlier, should be to express your need clearly without demands, disrespect, or anger. Invite your husband to complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire with you that can be copied from the Questionnaires section of the Marriage Builders® website. After you have each described your most important emotional needs, the book ,"His Needs, Her Needs," will help you learn to meet those needs for each other. The accompanying workbook, "Five Steps to Romantic Love," provides worksheets that will help you both implement a plan to turn need -- fulfilling behavior into habits.
This first step may solve your problem. Your husband may respond positively to your request, and the issue of unconditional love may not become a factor in his thinking. What I'm recommending is a focused appeal. Instead of just asking him to read a book, you're asking him to fill out a questionnaire that will help you understand each other better. Then, the book will help you solve any problems that come to light after reading each other's answers. It might work.
But if your husband refuses to accept your offer, the next step I recommend is very controversial, but when you compare it to the alternatives, it makes the most sense. It has two parts. I call one part plan A, and the other plan B. These two parts are to be executed sequentially -- plan A is first, followed by plan B.
Plan A is to give your husband "unconditional love" for a brief period of time, usually a month. I know. I've just written two columns that warn against unconditional love. But I've never been opposed to its use if it's intended to prime the pump. One spouse can't save a marriage, but one spouse can often set an example that the other spouse will sometimes follow. Plan A is to avoid all Love Busters, and to meet the other spouse's emotional needs without expecting anything in return immediately. But it also involves communicating the importance of reciprocity. Along with being an angel, you also explain that you expect your needs to eventually be met, too.
But before you begin plan A, prepare for plan B, which is to completely separate from your husband. You can't simply move out of the bedroom. You must move from the house, or have him move. If you live in a state that supports legal separation, go to the trouble to see an attorney so that all financial and legal arrangements are made in advance. Be sure that you can support yourself for an extended period of time, such as a year.
If you have young children, I would advise you to require your husband to move, and for you to remain in the home with your children. If the children are grown, I'd advise you to move and pick a living space that is cheerful and uplifting. You'll go through quite a few emotional ups and downs and the place you live can be either inspiring or depressing. Make sure it's inspiring.
--------
More to come - the rest won't fit and I am out of posting ability for the day
also if you want to read the rest of this before I post it. Pm me and I will send you the link. Or wait til tomorrow.