When to back off the Alpha a little with a serious GF

[sazc]

She's 48- life is over for her. She's desperate to lock you in. These women don't know how pathetic they are

You don't know how wrong you are

 

[LLM]

50 year old women who say they look like their 30s are lying to themselves. If she's chasing keep it up. That's where you want her. If she leaves just get someone 20 years younger. Who cares if she has money. Women always act like men care about that when we don't give a ****.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

50 year old women who say they look like their 30s are lying to themselves. If she's chasing keep it up. That's where you want her. If she leaves just get someone 20 years younger. Who cares if she has money. Women always act like men care about that when we don't give a ****.

I'd rather a woman with money, wisdom and means than a br0ke b1tch...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

She likely didn't complain when guys were buying drinks and food.

The best relationships are NOT equal. And they definitely are not coerced into being equal.

In your experience, if you had a female who was a "taker" and got deep in your pocket and time and she wasn't giving much back have you been able to coerce them into a more equitable relationship format?

 

[sazc]

Why would you even stay in a relationship where the woman was a taker? The moment you start to feel resentful, the moment you start to feel as if she was a taker, why wouldnt you open your mouth and let her know what's up and how to rectify things? You listen to her response, then you sit back and see what she does with the information. If behavior patterns dont change, then you exit. You can handle relationships in a few ways, you can stay silent, DJ the fvck out of her, hope you find a match, and ditch any female that doesnt align with what you expect your ideal female to be, or you can adult a little and practice your communication skills and let her know what your boundaries are.

The DJ frame is a great way to find a chick that is really interested in you, but you guys are fooling yourselves if you think you can keep up the DJ frame thru the relationship, and have that be a healthy, happy and emotionally balanced relationship. In any long term healthy relationship, people need to be able to communicate, listen and respond to needs

 

[mrgoodstuff]

No. I am the type who'll leave rather than coerce/convince.

In my experience women evolve relationships in the same manipulative way: in the early courtship phase they "hook" the guy with unrequited nurturing and sex; but after a few weeks they start nitpicking/nagging.

Have you left, and she realized her loss and came back with much better behavior?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Respectfully:

"Behavior" is not part of my vocabulary or mindset, especially when it involves women.

Explain?

 

[Poon King]

Why would you even stay in a relationship where the woman was a taker? The moment you start to feel resentful, the moment you start to feel as if she was a taker, why wouldnt you open your mouth and let her know what's up and how to rectify things? You listen to her response, then you sit back and see what she does with the information. If behavior patterns dont change, then you exit. You can handle relationships in a few ways, you can stay silent, DJ the fvck out of her, hope you find a match, and ditch any female that doesnt align with what you expect your ideal female to be, or you can adult a little and practice your communication skills and let her know what your boundaries are.

The DJ frame is a great way to find a chick that is really interested in you, but you guys are fooling yourselves if you think you can keep up the DJ frame thru the relationship, and have that be a healthy, happy and emotionally balanced relationship. In any long term healthy relationship, people need to be able to communicate, listen and respond to needs

This is pure sh!t.

First.. you fail to realize that ALL women are "takers" in romantic relationships 100%. You fail to understand that "relationships" are really for WOMEN to begin with. Men only get into these "relationships" for consistent access to sex, reproduction, social status OR because they have insecurity issues.

So as men.. we enter every relationship knowing the woman will "take" from us one way or another. The reason men don't give a sh!t about a woman's money is because men don't view people as "utilities" in the same way women do. Women have the mindset of trying to improve their lives by draining the resources of others. Men don't usually have this mindset.

 

[sazc]

This is pure sh!t.

First.. you fail to realize that ALL women are "takers" in romantic relationships 100%. You fail to understand that "relationships" are really for WOMEN to begin with. Men only get into these "relationships" for consistent access to sex, reproduction, social status OR because they have insecurity issues.

So as men.. we enter every relationship knowing the woman will "take" from us one way or another. The reason men don't give a sh!t about a woman's money is because men don't view people as "utilities" in the same way women do. Women have the mindset of trying to improve their lives by draining the resources of others. Men don't usually have this mindset.

Neh, what you are saying is pure sh1t. But I'm not interested in dicing it up with you. You've been VERY wronged by female(s) in your life and that has shaped your opinion. Thing is, its ONLY an opinion, definitely not fact. If it makes you happy to think like this, then have at it. I can respect that. We all have different realities.

 

[Poon King]

Neh, what you are saying is pure sh1t. But I'm not interested in dicing it up with you. You've been VERY wronged by female(s) in your life and that has shaped your opinion.

Hah.. you're not interested in "dicing it up" because you would be proven wrong and you know it.

The reason I'm always open to "dicing it up" with people is because it creates a learning experience for both sides AND for everyone reading. You being a WOMAN.. on a MALE forum.. what better opportunity to dig deep and learn some new things. Right? After all.. if you're not on SoSuave to learn and you're not on SoSuave to teach.. what are you here for?

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

She's 48- life is over for her. She's desperate to lock you in. These women don't know how pathetic they are

My girlfriend is 47, lovely, independent, sexy and sex has never been better. The last word I would use to describe her is pathetic.

 

[sazc]

Hah.. you're not interested in "dicing it up" because you would be proven wrong and you know it.

The reason I'm always open to "dicing it up" with people is because it creates a learning experience for both sides AND for everyone reading. You being a WOMAN.. on a MALE forum.. what better opportunity to dig deep and learn some new things. Right? After all.. if you're not on SoSuave to learn and you're not on SoSuave to teach.. what are you here for?

I have no need to spend time arguing about it. I'm not that invested

 

[ubercat]

Good thread - interesting exchange of views. One thing I haven't seen here is acknowledgement of what often brings men to the site in the first place. Namely they were in an ltr where the woman nibbled away at his frame and of course it didn't end well. It's a DJ principal 101 that men are the Romantics. A man wants to love and protect a woman. That is the natural gravity. So if u aim towards the azzhole side of the spectrum normally you'll end up in the middle.

 

[Poon King]

I have no need to spend time arguing about it. I'm not that invested

Its not about you. Its about the sharing of knowledge.

Like I said..you being a woman on a men's forum.. you must be here to either learn or teach. Which one is it?

I think its a fair question, but you are free to avoid it if you feel its too abrasive or revealing.

 

[sazc]

Its not about you. Its about the sharing of knowledge.

Like I said..you being a woman on a men's forum.. you must be here to either learn or teach. Which one is it?

I think its a fair question, but you are free to avoid it if you feel its too abrasive or revealing.

I just don't have the interest tonight. Not to mention, you are quite the bully and I dont feel like you actually care to listen, you usually just want to bullly and argue. What's the point?

Maybe some other night

 

[LLM]

My girlfriend is 47, lovely, independent, sexy and sex has never been better. The last word I would use to describe her is pathetic.

I'd rather a woman with money, wisdom and means than a br0ke b1tch...

I'm engaged to a teacher who is hot and in her 20s. She doesn't make a lot of money and I don't care. The 40 year old women who come up to me when I'm out think I give a **** that they are financially secure? It's a joke. Find a cute woman in her 20s or 30s. These old women probably ****ed a million guys since divorce

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I'm engaged to a teacher who is hot and in her 20s. She doesn't make a lot of money and I don't care. The 40 year old women who come up to me when I'm out think I give a **** that they are financially secure? It's a joke. Find a cute woman in her 20s or 30s. These old women probably ****ed a million guys since divorce

Women can also spend money on you...

 

[BeExcellent]

There are different perspectives here. I can totally see that men who are 30 don't see any value in a woman in her late forties. Why on earth would he?

Men at 30 want sex, perhaps a woman to bear them children at some point and are just getting into their prime years professionally but by and large 30 year old men are more potential than proof. That's just the way it is.

I'm no more interested in a 30 year old man than the typical 30 year old man is in me. The idea of sex with someone who is

A.) young enough to be my son and
B.) likely less than satisfactory in bed

is a total turnoff. Not that men in their late 20s and in the 30s don't hit on me at times.

The young value youth and fear aging. This is normal. The older you get the more you value experience and the less you worry about aging. That's why young men don't do it for me. They don't have enough life experience.

Men can date younger and many do. But a trade off exists there. Men have the validation that having a young hottie provides, but the young hottie typically has an agenda and expects a quid pro quo of some kind at some point.

That quid pro quo may be marriage, children, stuff, etc.

There is a greater likelihood that a woman with more life experience and maturity doesn't have such an agenda.

And before all the "All women have an agenda!!" siren starts wailing let's understand something:

All PEOPLE have an agenda. Period.

Associate with people whose agenda is compatible with yours. Simple.

I have a friend in a large metro area running a well known venue. Place does millions a year in sales and has celebrity elite clientele. My friend can pull 20 year old women all day long. He's 48.

He has incredible natural charm, better game than anyone I've ever seen and has his pick of extremely hot young women. And yet...

Here is how he describes his situation:

"My sex life is great but my love life sucks."

He can't find connection with women his daughter's age. He discards women regularly because they start trying to demand his time (he has children & doesn't want any more.)

The women think they can hook him with sex. They can't. He's successful and has lots of options but he is actually deeply lonely. How do I know? He's one of my 3 longest tenured friends. He tells me on occasion. I've known him 25 years. I've been a loyal friend to him longer than anyone else beside some of his family.

At some point many men realize sex & constant nexting is just a hollow exercise after a while. It is time consuming, expensive & exhausting.

Men understandably become disillusioned, especially if they are fresh off a nasty divorce and they think they have been missing out for some reason. Some find their way here.

They can run through women, they can be a player, but most great guys I know who are high caliber guys eventually seek out a high caliber women once they get all the other hurt and crap out of their system and get themselves healthy.

Some men never do. That's fine.

But many well adjusted older men like the idea of a good companion and an LTR. Someone they can relate to and develop intimacy with. And often not one whose clock is ticking for babies. These are men who already have kids and typically don't want to start over again with babies, but who lose interest in all the plate spinning espoused here.

It's a completely different place in life than the 20s and 30s men.

So it's not a binary thing. It's the fact that a 20 year old man has different needs & goals than a 30 year old than a 50 year old than a 60 year old. I'd say that transition goes on mostly in a man's 40s. Men in their 40s vary the most compared to any other age range in what they desire in a woman and for what purpose.

It occurs to me that the OP in this thread is at that place of transition regarding his own desires for his relationship with his gf. He's weighing what is important for his own life as he himself approaches 50. What he has to lose and what to gain. What he wants.

The things a man most values evolve as a man evolves.

The 30 year old men who think all women are this or that don't yet know enough to understand any different.

It is a function of life experience in combination with a given man's goals and desires, which vary considerably from one man to the next.

 

[ubercat]

Most of the older guys here are ltr focused for the above reasons. The issue is the average quality out there. Quite accepting of the premise that there are exceptional woman around. But then you've got the top 50% of men looking for 5% of the female population. I had a sick day today. I was weakly doing some stretching in front of TV and there was literally nothing on so I ended up watching a UK dating show. So in quick succession I saw a party girl legal secretary who was regretting all the Nice guys she threw away on a date with a nice guy. She then proceeded to get totally hammered in front of him. A woman who regretted being too aggressive with her past boyfriends and then proceeded to argue her way through the menu with the guy. A good looking girl out with a dominant fireman type who played a pretty good game, busted her chops, picked up on some of her interests, heart warming story about animals, not bad at all. So this lady was complaining she always just ended up with guys as friends and of course she friendzoned him. She seems to be having a great time so I'd say purely based on looks.

You might say well this is probably just a bogus reality TV show anyway. Last year I dated a number of women in their 30s and 40s. This is what the average looks like. I enjoy panning for gold but I'm not going to pretend the streets are lined with it

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

If a woman is looking for a long term relationship - and we are both 48 by way - I am aware that if I am not careful and I am being too "cool" and "alpha" this could backfire.
After previous shenanigans with me being too nice, generous and available (as discussed in the "dumped challenge" thread) and getting dumped by another woman, I have learned the lessons from that approach. I have been much stronger and more alpha in my current, five month relationship. I really like this woman myself but I have played things much cooler having learned the perils of my previous ways......

She loves me and we have great sex etc but she says I am "different" from other guys in that I appear more remote and distant that her ex boyfriends who were forever texting her, seeking where they stand etc. I think she is a little fazed by my approach. However, I am starting to think I should back off the alpha just a little. She knows I am a good catch (and so is she to be honest). We are both professionals, own property, cars etc and dress well, slim attractive etc.

I think you guys know what I am trying to say. What do you think? Of course not being wet and soppy is the important thing and i never will. But also, not to be too available and overly generous. i don't want to wreck this by overplaying the alpha side.

Apologies for spellings, English not my first language.

Doesn't sound like there's too much going wrong here. Good work

Here's the key that I've found...

-If you're being too needy, she probably won't tell you. She'll just have 'less time to see you' in an attempt to get some breathing space. That's when you back off a bit.
-If you're being too distant, she will probably tell you verbally. That's when you make an effort temporarily, maybe surprise her next time you see her.

For me, maintaining a relationship with a woman isn't always about power plays; being 'too alpha' or 'too beta'. Women do crave a powerful man, but they also crave fun and spontaneity. If maintain these three things until the end of time, and you won't have a problem.

You don't need to 'back off the alpha'. Just show her that you value her in an alpha way. Then carry on as normal. Rinse, recycle, repeat.