When out to dinner with another women

[Loki.7]

I yesterday I was supposed to go out to dinner with 2 friends one male and one female.

Something came up and my male friend couldn't make it. I just went with the women.

Been friends with this women a long time. Believe it or not she's just one of the boys to me. There has never been will never be anything between us.

I never thought about it. Just went for dinner and came hope.

Totally my new girlfriend is acting up. She obviously has a problem with it, she mentioned it via text. I tried to phone her but she didn't answer.

I think she was up all night stressing about it. She's pretty much gone silent.

I'll just have to wait for her to come to me I guess.

Thoughts?

 

[rjc149]

Reverse the roles and put yourself in her shoes. Your new girlfriend just went out to dinner and drinks, alone with her male friends.

I don’t need to elaborate on the types of response you’d get here.

Yeah, give her some space but don’t just go radio silent for days. If you care about the relationship, that is.

Give it 2-3 days tops, then ping her. Don’t apologize for anything, but this isn’t a situation where she’s distancing as a reaction to your smothering, where you would need to mirror her. If you dismiss her, she has a green light to take the next opportunity to get drinks with an orbiter. Again, if you want to play alpha IDGAF game, then start lining up her replacement.

 

[Loki.7]

Next time left her know up front. She’s looking at it from her position of what a woman would be doing. Women who show up for dinners with a man is always covered by hidden motive. She is applying what a girl does. It’s her only view point.

This should clue you in as to her reaction. If she goes out to dinner with a man, she’s interested in him. Because she is applying that premise to you.

She knew upfront. I literally told her my plans and my male friend night not be able to make it.

It's not like a randomly did it behind her back.

 

[Loki.7]

Then what does that tell you? Come on, think about it.

I don't get you?

 

[samspade]

Reverse the roles and put yourself in her shoes. Your new girlfriend just went out to dinner and drinks, alone with her male friends.

I don’t need to elaborate on the types of response you’d get here.

Extending the hypothetical, there would be no response if he doesn't care enough to post about it. Too many guys on Sosuave care way too much - which results in a lot of dogmatic groupthink on this forum.

His gf is upset because she is projecting (as said above) and/or sees the other girl as a threat. A high value man indulges in neither of these.

OP, don't walk into her frame. It wasn't a big deal then and it isn't now.

 

[rjc149]

Extending the hypothetical, there would be no response if he doesn't care enough to post about it. Too many guys on Sosuave care way too much - which results in a lot of dogmatic groupthink on this forum.

His gf is upset because she is projecting (as said above) and/or sees the other girl as a threat. A high value man indulges in neither of these.

OP, don't walk into her frame. It wasn't a big deal then and it isn't now.

I'm just saying, let's say he posts a thread "my new girlfriend had dinner with her guy friend(s) without me."

You'd hear all the usual answers. "That's disrespect, red flag, set boundaries, go get drinks with a female friend and play dread game, never date women with male friends, a girlfriend who does girls night out is looking for your replacement" etc. etc.

My point is, that's rooted in insecurity and anxiety that women feel too, which is the case here.

My advice is not to apologize or admit wrongdoing, but to give her space to pout if she wants to pout. Then, if she's gone silent for a few days, ping her. Maybe "heyyy are you alive?" or "want to get tacos?" etc.

Letting her go silent for a long time, like a week or more, acting like he doesn't give a fvck, will poison the relationship. She will resent the lack of concern. Women do want to feel cared about if they're going to stay in a relationship.

If she comes back around expressing upset feelings, he can directly communicate the situation as it happened, and that while he hears and appreciates her concerns, there is nothing to be concerned about. He considers the matter concluded and takes her to get tacos.

If she wants to keep pouting after that because she needs more validation, then he can ignore it. But he should address her feelings openly, directly, and as soon as it's brought up to him.

 

[bmp2cpm]

Your GF is jealous. This is a good thing up to a point. Jealousy is very motivating.

Use it to your advantage.

Your GF is also testing you.

Lead. Don’t apologize. But say next time you will make sure your male friend will be there too.

Maintain control. Your GF will love you even more for 1) leading 2) having options for your time that do not involve GF.

Reaffirm your commitment to your GF too. But don’t give your GF lots of attention to make her feel better. Stay in control of the relationship.

 

[Epimanes]

What's good for the goose is good for the gander..... she will remember it's ok to go have a dinner date with one of her old guy friends .....cuz after all ... "we are just friends" ....

Smh

 

[DonJuanjr]

So if it was innocent and your buddy couldn’t show…why would she be worried?

Because she's screwing around on OP, and thinks he knows about it?

 

[zekko]

Something came up and my male friend couldn't make it. I just went with the women.

I'm sure this was innocent enough, especially with the other guy pulling out at the last minute. I'm also sure a lot of guys see this as a good thing, because they like to play dread game. And I don't know what type of relationship you have. But I would just say that if you establish that this is something that is okay to do (going out to dinner with a member of the opposite sex, one on one), then you are laying the ground rules that she can do it too. Maybe you're okay with that, I don't know. My point is just be aware.

 

[samspade]

I'm sure this was innocent enough, especially with the other guy pulling out at the last minute. I'm also sure a lot of guys see this as a good thing, because they like to play dread game. And I don't know what type of relationship you have. But I would just say that if you establish that this is something that is okay to do (going out to dinner with a member of the opposite sex, one on one), then you are laying the ground rules that she can do it too. Maybe you're okay with that, I don't know. My point is just be aware.

I think a lot of these situations show that many men are less afraid of what she might do than of what they might or might not do in response. I go out alone with other girls all the time and my girlfriend doesn't care. In fact she seems to like that other women find me attractive (though these aren't dates per se and I'm not looking to get laid). As far as I'm concerned, she can do the same. I don't care. We get along great in part because we don't need to control or monitor each other. If I found out she lied to me or betrayed me, then I'd walk - and I'm sure she knows this. Otherwise her time is hers and I don't have time to babysit.

Everyone's barriers are different, but I won't put myself in a position where I can't go out for a drink with a person who has a vagina if I feel like it. This is why I think the responses to the OP of "put yourself in her shoes" aren't always on the nose. She's entitled to her boundaries but maybe his are different.