When are you aloof and when are you a jerk?

[movistar]

I've written recently about a girl that has essentially broken off our relationship.
During the time we were dating and getting to know each other we both had butterflies, I feel as though I'm not bad at seeming aloof while still showing her interest and building up what leads to sex. My issue comes as times goes on, I'm wondering if I have some behaviors that need to be addressed, I'll give an example.
My most recent relationship after we had sex for more that a month or so I became very relaxed with our routine. I would fall asleep and let her show herself out. She really didn't like this and would always say "hey" why not wal me to the door show me that you care etc.. I take these things as **** tests when maybe it's just a nice thing to do.
There was one thing she asked me to do that I thought was insane, if she was out drinking (which was rare) she would want me to come pick her up vs taking a cab to my place, pretty much if I was sleeping.
Are you guys doing these types of things?
One thing I do a lot is prepare dinner for her. When we go out we pay Dutch for everything at this point. Is the dutch thing normal after a year or two?

I have more examples but if like to hear what some of you have to say.

 

[AttackFormation]

She disturbs your sleep so you can take your time to pick her @ss up after she's been out drinking?

Are there any notices about runaway asylum patients that you've missed?

And yeah, she's not lying when she says to show her how much you care. She wants to see how much of a little f@ggot you'll turn into for her.

 

[movistar]

Yeah I thought that was pretty crazy to pick her up after drinking.
But she would do a lot for me, like buying my daughter clothes, helping with her homework. She was a very loving girl..
I'm wondering if I'm going to run into this problem more by opening doors and occasionally buying roses etc..
What is too nice?

 

[movistar]

If I needed her to pick me up she would do it.. That's my point, is this always going to lead to you being a pushover

 

[AttackFormation]

My experience with women in these cases is they take as much as you give them, and to show that you care on YOUR terms, not hers. You have to have some kind of standard for yourself, otherwise are you gonna jump off a cliff just because she says she'd do it for you too?

 

[handle]

After a year or two I'd expect that maybe you're looser with money. As in, maybe you buy dinner one night and she gets it next time. Don't start paying for all her shiet or whatever, but don't get all intense about splitting everything exactly 50/50. And yes, walking her out is probably a good idea.

This stuff isn't a matter of being "alpha," it's just manners and common sense. That being said, her wanting you to pick her up is unreasonable. Don't do that sh*t for her.

I think girls get genuinely surprised by me because I don't tolerate bullsh*t, yet I have a sense of common decency. They aren't used to that. Go ahead and open doors if you want. it's more about having a backbone, that's what matters.

 

[Fireballs]

I always walk my girlfriend out and open doors for her (just make sure you smack her ass hard as she walks past ).

It's when they start to ask you to do things that they can easily do themselves that you will turn into their b!tch. When you try and act aloof, you can come off as an @sshole (not the good @sshole we want to be). Instead you need to have the attitude that you've seen it all before and can laugh it off.

Rollo explains it in more detail here http://therationalmale.com/2012/09/14/amused-mastery/

I will tell you about a recent example I had with my girlfriend:

Her: (She's standing over the sink) ''I really don't want to wash these dishes, I'm going to get grumpy if I have to do them.'' (Expecting me to appease and say I'll do them for her)
Me: ''Ooooooo I don't think I've seen you really grumpy yet, let me get a seat this should be good.'' (I proceeded to grab a chair, sit down, and looked at her in anticipation with wide eyes and my hands under my chin)
Her: ''You're an @sshole''

 

[christoff522]

I've written recently about a girl that has essentially broken off our relationship.
During the time we were dating and getting to know each other we both had butterflies, I feel as though I'm not bad at seeming aloof while still showing her interest and building up what leads to sex. My issue comes as times goes on, I'm wondering if I have some behaviors that need to be addressed, I'll give an example.

Okay, first of all - butterflies? :nono:
You need to be an impenetrable wall of alpha. Not a little sissy girl with butterflies.

My most recent relationship after we had sex for more that a month or so I became very relaxed with our routine. I would fall asleep and let her show herself out. She really didn't like this and would always say "hey" why not wal me to the door show me that you care etc.. I take these things as **** tests when maybe it's just a nice thing to do.

Well, why not show her to the door? What were you trying to prove? You see, rather than doing what YOU wanted to do, you were actively trying to show how aloof you were. Being a man isn't about presenting a fake image, but presenting yourself, if its coming from internal strength then its okay, if its coming from trying to placate or impress a girl its a no no.

There was one thing she asked me to do that I thought was insane, if she was out drinking (which was rare) she would want me to come pick her up vs taking a cab to my place, pretty much if I was sleeping.

Why aren't you out drinking with her? Anyway, you said you thought it was insane, if thats what you thought, thats what you thought. If its right for you then its right for you.

Are you guys doing these types of things?

As far as I am aware, the guys here are trying to please themselves, and are learning to be fully rounded men.

One thing I do a lot is prepare dinner for her. When we go out we pay Dutch for everything at this point. Is the dutch thing normal after a year or two?

Dude you can pay for her dinner day 1 if you're a strong enough individual, its noT about WHAT you do but WHY you do it. If you're doing it to impress or to APPEAR dominant then you need to work on yourself, who you are, why you do things. Rule 1: eliminate desire. Anything you do to get in a girl's pants is gonna look weak. If you do it cos you're a cool guy and you're with your girl then its okay.

Did paying dutch work for you two? Every relationship has its own dynamic. The idea of a man paying for dinner is because of the man being the breadwinner. I would think that a more integrated relationship would have the man paying. I suppose it's an expression of commitment? But anyway, dinner shouldn't be done all the time, think of it as a treat for good behaviour :flowers:

 

[Cremasta]

Not everything a girl asks you to do is a sh*t test.
When she asks you to do something, just think to yourself "Is that something I might ask her to do for me? Is it reasonable?"

For example, if she was going out drinking on Friday (which you say she rarely did) and organised on Monday for you to come pick her up, then I'd probably say 'fair enough' and do it. If she was calling you up at 3am that night asking you to come get her, I'd call that one plain rude and refuse to do it.

It's all give and take though, there's a lot of things I would do for an LTR of 2 years vs a girl I've only known for a month.

 

[movistar]

So part of what I'm dealing with is that maybe I am too selfish, I didn't want to walk her to the door, I was falling asleep. I may need to actually try to be more considerate.
My last two girlfriends were both really into me in the beginning. Over time me being selfish could have turned them off, although I broke other rules of the game, such as always being available. The last girl literally said "I love that you are always available to do something with me."
Just trying to improve as the getting dumped role is getting old. And part of me is reminiscing about all the good things she did, never said a negative word, gave me lots an affection, was literally always there for me. But in the end I ended up being cold when I think back.