What's the best way to modifiy parts of your personality?

[Shivastorm_88]

I find it really frustrating because I know what my main flaws are with girls but I find it so hard to change them, no matter how hard I try I always end up acting the same way. I also want to develop certain traits but it simply isn't working. Maybe I simply am not doing it the right way. How did you guys do it?

The main flaws that I want to change or the ones that I want to develop:

- I am too much of a nice guy in the sense that I always try my best to satisfy everyone and it always ends up backfiring on me. In other words, I want to be more selfish.

- I am too much of a softy. I basically take everything that is said at heart and I can't help but give too much attention of what others think of me. In other words, I want to always stop seeking approval.

- As this thread probably shows it, I OVERTHINK!!!!

Yep

 

[Halloween]

Post a specific example of a time you've been selfless to a fault.

 

[Shivastorm_88]

Post a specific example of a time you've been selfless to a fault.

Err maybe I didn't express it right. I basically meant that I let people walk over me in order to avoid conflict, or wont speak my mind in order to avoid conflict. For example, just today at my work my coworker said something uncalled for towards me, and instead of bringing it to her attention, I decided not too in order to avoid conflict.

Not really what I wrote first, but I think that's more that I meant. I guess you could modify it that I try not to upset/bug anyone even if it backfires on me or means I let people walk over me.

 

[originaldj]

I also worked on these two "flaws" and here is how I approached them
1) This really wasn't that hard, it's so much easier to just do what you want then having to double think whatever everyone else wants all the time. The hardest part is the beginning when you initially tell people "no". However you soon realize that if they actually do care about you then your realstionship won't change and if not f*** them.

2) This is somewhat harder and contrary to what anyone says I don't think anyone has perfected this, however I think I am better at this than most. What I did was literally just go through your head everything you have going for you, whatever it may be (e.g. smart etc) and eventually if ppl disagree with you it shouldn't really matter. The way I think about it whenever I start to care about whatever someone else thinks is either "They are wrong so why should it bother me" and "Them thinking about my flaws really says more about their insecurities than about mine"

Hopefully this will help you out

 

[imarockstar]

i used to be like you. but then i realized that i wasnt being myself. you are being your real, true self when you speak your mind without needing approval. people are different. we're all gonna disagree on things. its part of life. and yeah i used to take everything to heart. i look back to a few years ago hanging with my friends. they would say things and i really let it get to me.

the only cure, well theres 2 things. adopt a i dont give a **** mindset. and joke back with other people. think how boring it would be to not tease and joke with friends. really its your choice, you may have been this way for years like me, but within a couple weeks i completely changed my thinking.

you can either choose to take things the wrong way, or realize that the person is just having fun and they want you to egg them on too. just the same as approval seeking. the other day i was talking to this girl, and i realized that the whole time, after every sentence when i waited for her to respond, i was seeking her approval. i talked to her today, and in my head i just thought to myself, i dont need her approval, i say what i say because im a man and im being MYSELF.

trust me, even though you feel as if youve been this way forever and you cant change your way of thinking, then this is your first mistake. take it from me, i changed my mindset, and it really is a choice. people actually like you better if youre not trying to hard to connect with them, when you dont agree with everything and try to impress them. BE YOURSELF

 

[Halloween]

the only cure, well theres 2 things. adopt a i dont give a **** mindset. and joke back with other people.

...

you can either choose to take things the wrong way, or realize that the person is just having fun and they want you to egg them on too.

QFT (in my opinion. take me with a grain of salt because I'm very much a recovering AFC).

Think about this. What would you do if your six-year-old niece said hurtful, accusatory things towards you? Would you get all quiet and wish you could stand up for yourself? lol. I hope not! I'd clutch my mouth in disbelief, "the nerve!" Seriously, this lady might've been looking for a fun reaction (or may have been pleasantly surprised by one!) but it sounds like you came off as a sensitive wuss. :crazy:

 

[Sir_Turtle]

- I am too much of a nice guy in the sense that I always try my best to satisfy everyone and it always ends up backfiring on me. In other words, I want to be more selfish.

I can promise that this won't fix your problems. IN fact, If i had to guess, being selfish is probably one of your biggest problems.

Look at it logically, if you were truly being selfless it would make you happy that you were able to give something(a girl,attention,w/e) for someone else.

But it doesn't. Why? Simply put, your selfish, but your too weak to even act on your own selfishness.

So you prolly want to be more of an a$$hole or something, live for what you can get out of people. It won't fix your problems, but it might be freeing not to have to act like a "nice guy" when you clearly aren't.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

You just need to work on your self esteem. You're seeking approval by doing things for other people. If you genuinely liked yourself you could validate yourself instead of looking for validation from others. If you felt better about yourself, you would feel comfortable setting limits with others without feeling guilty.

 

[Biggie]

Read the book "Too Nice for Your Own Good" by Duke Robinson.