What should I do?

[Riegs]

I'm posting this in the mature section, and I'm totally expecting to get ripped on but I need advice.

I really hate what I've become, and if things continue I think I might end my life. I'm the third child in my family, my dad took to my two other brothers but by the time he had me (I wasn't planned) I was pretty much treated like a nuisance all through my childhood. Even though my dad was there somewhat (when not working 60 hrs a week), we didn't have a father-son relationship at all. My mom overcompensated and coddled me.

I was always made to feel like an annoyance and for some reason my brothers (spaced 6 and 10 years older than me) treated me like crap too since my dad did. Instead of building things out in my dad's workshop like my other brother's had done, or being asked to help or being shown how to do anything that would build character.. I was always looked at as being incapable. So I was, for the most part left to myself as a kid and I spent most of my time playing out in the woods alone.

Through my teens I lived out in the country and had no job or car. Both of my brothers seemed to automatically know what they wanted out of life by 18 and worked towards those goals. My one brother was great with computers and is a systems admin now. My other brother went from Fire and Rescue, to being a sherriff in his early 20's and has been a police officer for a number of years.

I had a few friends in high school and hung out with them once in a while, but I was mostly a loner and an introvert. My parents never bought me music or anything, I was totally tuned out to popular culture besides tv and video games. It was during this time I realized how hard of a time I had approaching people, starting conversations and I was pretty much set in stone at this point. It wasn't until many years later I realized I had serious social anxiety issues and non-existant confidence.

Basically, my youth and early childhood f*cked me up. I got the short end of the stick. I grew up a complete momma's boy and still am in many ways. I'm not assertive or manly or in control of any aspect of my life. I never had anything I did growing up that built my confidence in any way (no sports, nothing). The only things I ever felt good about were the artistic hobbies I had that I kept to myself.

After graduating high school I was planning on getting into computer animation, until getting a call from the college saying that the dorms were full and that it'd be $450 a month for off-campus housing, which my parents couldn't afford. Nobody offered an alternative solution. My dad's answer was for me to go into the navy, and my grandparents was to go to a Christian college, I suppose in the hopes of straightening me out.

I piddled around for the next couple years working temp jobs and never feeling I fit in anywhere. Some jobs that I had, I'd have incredibly awkward interactions that would embarrass me, then I'd quit and never show up again. I started having a social life at this time through the couple friends I made my senior year, but I always latched onto people like I was dependent on them, and piggy backed on their social life until they moved on.. and I was once again left to my own.

Because of all this, I fell into a really deep depression in '03 when 3 of my closest friends moved away in the span of a year. I felt like I lost the plot in life and had no ambition or goals. I tried to start a screenprinting business, but it failed. I tried internet marketing, made some money, but it too didn't pan out. I thought I might want a career in graphic design, but realized it'd be more time spent behind the computer, when I was already unhealthily addicted to the internet and needed to be involved in something that would improve me socially.

In '03, '04, and '05 I basically just lived with my parents without a job or anything. In '06, I had a girlfriend for a while that I met from myspace, but that ended in a disaster. 8 months later, I had sold off all my possessions and in the process somehow screwed up my body because I felt I couldn't concentrate on anything anymore, started getting headaches and other weird ailments including feeling fatigued and foggy all the time, which I still have. Basically wherever I go, I feel disconnected from everything that's happening around me.. they call it depersonalization, or derealization.

Right now I feel numb. Years have been going by, but everyone I know has moved on, settled down, and continued on in their happy lives. Right now, I'm sitting here at 28 years old with so much pressure and tension and frustration inside me that I really want to kill myself. On the outside, I'm a tall, attractive, well-dressed guy. Because I haven't lived, I haven't aged.. and still look about 21. It's like I've been stuck in a time capsule. But something, maybe my health issues or my lack of hope is holding me back from going forward.

At this point, everything looks and feels impossible to me in life. My world has gotten so small. For a little while there years ago, I was starting to get my legs, then had the rug pulled out from underneath me. Life has felt like a cruel joke. I'm behind everybody in so many ways the average person takes for granted. I hardly feel I have anything to talk about or offer anymore, and find myself saying less and less as time goes by, or maybe my mind is just slowly shutting down from lack of stimulation.

I've really become a miserable, unhealthy person. Nobody would want to be around me. I feel there's such a huge mountain to climb, that I'll be too old by the time I reached the top. My thoughts are almost always negative, and even my family just seems to think this is the way it's going to be indefinately. My last friend in the area is settled in with his girlfriend now. Even if I was out working, I couldn't afford to live alone.

I need to be connected again, if I don't find a way to get that in some way.. I think the day will come when something will click and I'll do myself in. I'm totally misplaced.. mentally, I feel like I'm 60, but I have the life experience of a 20-year old.

Is there a reason for someone who's lived my life to keep living? Have any of you ever been in a similar situation, or known anyone who has? It's like a dark cloud has been over me since the day I was born. I attract the worst in life.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

Nobody offered an alternative solution.

That says it all.

Try not feeling sorry for yourself, and growing up.

Get a job, and move out of your mom's place. Jaysus.

 

[Alexander the Great]

Riegs,

I could have written what you wrote. I was you a number of years ago. I amounted to nothing. Borked my education due to a lack of confidence. What you wrote about quitting jobs because of awkward intereactions: me exactly. I would quit the minute a situation arose that required me to be assertive and to stand up for myself. I was scared to death to do so, and so I did the only thing I knew: run. From everything. People, teachers, school, friends, life.

Armageddon came in the form of a girl I met online. We clicked masssively. She was like me, we had similar souls and lives. I fell in love right away of course. Here was the way out of everything! Love to make it alright. I forgot one thing though: she didn't like me that way. To make a long story short: that ended very nasty. Very nasty. That was my wake-up call.

Long story short: as MikeEdwards said, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I felt sorry for myself for a long time. I blamed schools and university for not being able to hook an extremely smart mind like mine in a better way. I blamed teachers for not seeing who I was. I blamed my parents for their upbrining of me. My father for never being there, and being more close with my brother, and my mother for making a feminized person out of me because my father was never there. I blamed them for not pushing me, I blamed them for their own skewed vision of life.

Then I realized that this wasn't fair. Okay, it might have been alright to blame them of everything when I was young and unable to really take control of myself. But I was an adult now. So are you. We're supposed to strike out on our own. You can't blame your parents and others anymore because of what they did or didn't do. If you do that, you'll stay stuck in this blaming cycle. Eventually you'll become one of those homeless on the streets who blame all their misfortune on society.

That's ridiculous. People have the power to pick themselves up and take their lives into their own hands. You just have to realize that you can't undo what happened to you, no matter how hard you shout blame towards them. They won't help you now either. So there's only one choice: get yourself together. Because the other option isn't one: living on the street.

You have to realize that all people who wronged you in your life probably did the best they knew. They acted that way because of their own upbrining. They acted that way because they didn't know any better. They acted that way because they're probably ignorant of what's better. You can blame them about it, but that won't ever get you anywhere.

Anyway, I was heavy on the blaming others. Maybe you don't massively blame others like I did. But your reliance on others to make your life for you is evident from your writing.

You're stuck at a very low point right now. While you can go further down still, you can also go way up. Just don't expect anything from anyone but yourself. Repeat that to yourself many times a day: Don't expect anything from anyone except yourself.

What you need to do is sit down with yourself and think hard about what you want to do on this world. What do you love? What's important to you? What would you like to spend your life like? Alright, circumstances have not enabled you to get an education that lands you an easy, well-paid job so you can have a smooth private life. You'll just have to start at the bottom somewhere.

While that thought may suck big time, see it as an opportunity to build exactly the life you want to have. See it as a start to build your dream, a way to get somewhere better. I mean, you live and you learn. You can always move up by learning more and better skills. Always. Remember and repeat that too: you live, you learn, you move up.

And you have to start working on your confidence. What worked for me was realizing everyday in a very strong manner that I was alright. That I had just as much right to be here as anyone else. That I shouldn't let what other people may think of me dictate how I felt about me.

See, that's what was the real problem that caused me to hide from the world: I've always seen myself through the eyes of those who didn't like me and believed that I was what they saw. But that's not me!

The mistake I made was not seeing myself and those others through my OWN eyes. And judging them and myself accordingly. The mistake I made was letting other people inside myself, instead of keeping them firmly outside the 12-mile zone unless they'd proven themselves worthy of my attention. Maybe somthing similar is your problem too. Whatever it is, think about it. Maybe try to get help, because introspection is a difficult and time consuming process. Though since you outline it so clearly and you write it down so well, I feel you're quite a smart fellow who can manage by himself alright.

Work on yourself, as difficult as it maybe. Read motivational books. Self-help books on confidence. Don't expect a miracle change overnight. It might take a year to see noticable results. What also worked for me was getting a job in sales. That forced me out among people again, forcing me to interact. Now, I've always been good with people, never shy to speak. But because I had no confidence, the words came out and people believed me, but I didn't believe me. I felt a fake. A poser. I saw myself as a monkey copying stuff, but not meaning it or able to think of it myself what I said. I was completely reliant on others to give purpose and focus to myself.

Now I have that back. Because of that sales job, which got me accustomed to dealing with people, combined with my self-motivation, I feel in control of me. In control of my life. I feel in control of people and their interactions with me. I'm now able to keep them outside of me, if you know what I mean.


Start small. A few pointers:

• Read the bible linked at the bottom of this forum. It contains links to many, MANY good, insightful and inspirational posts by luminaries past and present on this forum. Not only of how to deal with women, but a majority is also about how to deal with life and yourself and how to improve those. Dive deep into them.
  
  
• Think about what made you reach this point in life. From your post, you seem to have that already covered.
  
  
• Work on yourself to improve that confidence and self-esteem.
  
  
• Realize everyday that you're an okay guy. Even if you're stuck right now, you're a valuable person who can make a difference. For others, for himself.
  
  
• Look at yourself through YOUR eyes, don't see yourself through other people's eyes. Compare yourself ONLY to yourself. Stop looking at others and seeing what you are not. Stop looking at others and seeing yourself as useless because you aren't what they are or don't have what they have. You are you. You have you. You will get and become what you want and want to be.
  
  
• Think of this everyday, and everytime you feel down about yourself.
  
  
• Keep people outside of yourself unless they are valuable to you in terms of being nice and supportive. Keep the vampires and stuffed-up losers out.
  
  
• Make it your goal to strike out on your own. Follow through.
  
  
• Think about what you love to do and what you want to do in life. What were your much-loved hobbies? Pick some of them up again if they still are much-loved. Explore, discover! New ventures, fun and opportunities await you out there!
  
  
• Read if you love reading. Read alot. Novels of whatever flavour you love. Self-help books. Motivational books. Absorb it all and make the knowledge about yourself and people a part of you. This goes almost automatically, given time.
  
  
• Get a job. Put yourself out there. Preferably a job where you have to interact with people a lot. Do you like helping people? Get a job in some sort of support. Like computers for example, if computers are your thing. Otherwise, think on it. Think about what you're good at. But interaction with people is a good start. It'll be awkward for a long time, you won't feel at home with yourself. But alongside all the work you're doing on yourself and the goal that you have to change, change will come. Have faith in that.
  
  
• Imprint on yourself to keep the looks and opinions of others outside of you. They are not you. They don't know what your life's been like. Others judge too easily. Others are mostly stupid. Only allow the worthy and supportive inside that 12-mile zone around you.
  
  
• You live, you learn, you can move up.
  
  
• Expect nothing from anyone except yourself.
  
  
• Remember your goal of becoming who you are and who you want to be everyday.
  
  
• It's okay to lapse from time to time. It's okay to let yourself down in your quest to achieve a better you. This will only motivate you to try harder.
  
  
• Repeat: Think of these things everyday, and everytime you feel down about yourself. Make this second nature. Make it a belief; your personal religion.
  
  
• Repeat: Read the bible linked at the bottom of this forum!
  
  
• Don't expect change overnight. It could take a year before you start noticing that you've really changed.

I'm very proud you had the guts to write your story down for every hawk here to read and criticise. That took guts. Real guts! Remember that!

And you're smart. Your post proves that. You're also gifted with an ability to be introspective. That gives you an edge over most others. Remember all that too!

Also heed the suggestions others give you in this thread. Use what you feel works for you. Don't mind their tone too much, it'll be harsh at times. It's just that we're no longer where you are, and we all get annoyed when someone new doesn't get it yet. That's only human. And some feel only though love works. But it's real love. Brotherly love. We all want you to succeed. Remember that too.


Good luck Riegs! Make life great! :cheer:

 

[mtnkng]

So....you are at that point where you've figured out that all that panty wetting you've done in the past didnt work for you and was a waste of time.

The sad thing is....you're thinking that offing yourself is actually an option.

You didnt get any direction from anyone while you were growing up....but the only person who should've given you direction is...you.

So, start now. Take an inventory. Take a hard look at yourself. What needs to be improved? What do you want to do with your life? Don't worry about women and dating....you have bigger fish to fry at this point.

Get into an excercise regimen - getting the body healthy will make your mind healthy. Commit to it. Commit to yourself.

Look at some volunteering opportunities. And then volunteer. This will do a number of beneficial things for you: expand your social circle and help you become a productive and contributory person.

Realize that there are far more opportunities out there for you....once you give up the fear of failure. You'll fail and make mistakes....but those are just learning opportunities.

Go be a man....not to prove anyone wrong....but because its what you seek.

 

[chuchu]

Still so much love in here, makes me appreciate this forum so much.

Reigs, I am happy for you! Your suffering is just part of life, and many of us have been there, you just finally see it. Just accept it with a smile. If you look up there are so many better than you, when you look down there are so many people worse than you. At least you have both hands, both feet, and both eyes.

There is no mountain to climb anymore. You are at the top. Just let it go and come down.

 

[sodbuster]

I attract the worst in life. Ever hear of the law of Attraction? You attraact what you think about. Seems to work. If people are bad in your mind, you find the bad in them. If people are good, you find the good in them.
HOw much of your father and brothers supposed mistreatment of you was caused by your whiney behavior? I don't want to be around my kids when they are *****ing either.

 

[The_last_Gunslinger]

Reigs,

While my personal battle was not as dramatically expressed as yours, there are still fundamental ways of getting the best of what life can offer. Alexander The Great and Mtnkng have already provided excellent advice and insight. You will also find in some of the responses (and their will be more) a sprinkle of "tough love".

You see when someone is as down as you are (and I can relate) sometimes the only way to wake them up is a violent shock to the system. The 2 response you can react with are; pour on the self pity and "off yourself", or straighten up and take a good hard look in the mirror.

Even when I was as down as you are I never considered suicide. I thought to myself, "why let life defeat me, my perceptions of injustice twist me, why allow others to stand on my back and further my pain"? Those questions I would ask myself soon manifested into a scrappers attitude. That I would not go quietly into the night =)

You have alot of work ahead of you man, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it for you. Your gonna have successes and failures galore, sometimes it will seem like more failure than success. The key here is understanding that failing is natural, that great athletes, scientists, and yes DJs MUST learn from failing. Only through failure can you identify weaknesses you must improve on.

Alexander the great highlighted something for you to remember on a daily basis and I will reinforce it again as it is potentially the best advice your gonna get right here and now before and if you decide to take on self-improvement:

Don't expect anything from anyone except yourself.

In the race of life nobody is going to reach back and sling you forward. You need to gain that inner fire of life again first and foremost. For me, understanding that I truly was alone in the world was enough to make me lust for improvement. Love yourself too, in this you adopt a ME first mentality that will propel you towards the goals you establish as worthy.

Start with the exercise, it works miracles on moods.

-Happy Trails

 

[scrapperdog]

Call your county mental health department and get an appointment, then go. That will probably do more for you than 100 people telling you to grow up. Almost all of them have sliding scale fees and people in your situation are the reason they are there.

 

[Interceptor]

You may find this post a little helpful:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=137740

 

[Chrispy]

Hi,

Your posting here was a first step in changing your life. As the others have already harshly put it, don't feel sorry for yourself. It will do nothing to improve your situation.

You need to put a plan in action. You need to write down WHERE you want to go and what you must do to get it.

Obvious first step is to get a job. If you're idle, it just feeds on itself. If you are active it does so too. You'll then see things move that same direction. Maybe you need to join a gym next to get healthy. Maybe you should volunteer also. You need a purpose, but to do any of this you first need a plan.

So put that plan together and then put that plan to action.

Good luck and we expect to hear your progress soon.

 

[dr_devious]

Listen to what the guys say to you on here, its all good advice.

You sound very depressed, my advice to you is get professional help - counselling or therapy, and maybe anti-depressant.

It is impossible to start solving your various problems whilst your in the pits of depression, and reading So Suave posts etc or self help books wont solve that. Only medical help will.

I wish you luck with this, and sincerely hope you can find some happiness.

 

[squirrels]

Simplify your situation. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

What would you do when you wake up tomorrow if you had your choice of anything in the world?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Living in the past, comparing yourself to others, and valuing yourself in accordance with how you think other people view you - those are three traits of unhappy people.

I agree that you should speak to a professional counselor. A lot of people go through depression, even to the extent of suicidal thoughts. Therapy and meds have been proven to be roughly equal in effectiveness; I would say to try a little therapy first, as it does not come with side effects.

 

[SharpGame]

First of all, don't give up. This is the beginning of the best part of your life. You don't want to miss out. Trust me, dude. My story is VERY similar to yours. Like freaky similar. Your life WILL improve - slowly at first, then it will pick up momentum like a snowball going down a hill. And when people start noticing your life improving, they will seek YOU out and want to be a part of your life. That's when the snowball kicks into overdrive.

But we have to start somewhere. So here's the game plan.

1. Kick the depression. Easier said than done, I know.

- Go to a natural food place and get some St. John's Wort - a natural anti-depressant. It helped me. If your depression feels too overwelming, you should get some prescription stuff and seek counceling.

- Start exercising a few times a week. Take a walk or go swimming, jogging, rollerblading, or anything else that will get your heart pumping.

- Try listening to upbeat music in the morning as you get ready for your day. I have a radio in my bathroom and jam out every morning as I get ready. It gets me pumped up.

- Stop eating junk. Processed foods mess with your head more than people are willing to admit. Quit soda if you can. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables. A good rule of thumb I use is the more a food has been tampered with by humans, the worse it is for you. Try going organic.

- No more porn. Seriously. (I read one of your other posts) Unplug your computer and put it away somewhere. Only surf the web in a public place like an Internet cafe so you won't be tempted. And limit your Internet time. Make a list of the things you want to accomplish online before you start. Stop as soon as the list is complete.

- Limit or eliminate drugs and alcohol. They're depressants. I shouldn't need to say anything else.


2. Drop the "all or nothing" attitude.

- This is an assumption on my part, but I'm betting you start tons of things and never finish them. Projects, books, hobbies, jobs, etc.. am I right? Your mother's coddling has probably made you afraid of not being perfect in her eyes. I'm also guessing that this developed a "If I can't win I don't wanna play" attitude in you. How close am I? Stop worrying about being mommy's perfect little angel. It's okay to take risks, to make mistakes, and to complete something without it being perfect. It's much more important to DO than to be perfect. In fact, actively try not being perfect for a while. Shoot for 70-80% efficiency for now. Just focus on completing the job and having fun doing it. This applies to all areas of your life. For example, my sex life dramatically improved when I stopped worrying so much about whether I was doing it right and just started having fun with it.


3. The dumbest advice you always hear - Get confidence and happiness.

- Why is this advice dumb? Because confidence and happiness are EFFECTS of some other CAUSES. It's the causes you should be going after. Let's start with accomplishments and relationship building.

- Accomplishments. Right now you should focus on things you can accomplish very quickly - like within a day. Then move to bigger and bigger things. Your confidence will come naturally as you get better at this and people will respect you more. It's much more impressive when you can tell people "I did.." instead of "I will..". For me, I jumped right into this - literally. I went skydiving. In one day I accomplished something that few people think they can do. I get instant respect when one of my friends brings it up in a group conversation and it's an experience that, for the rest of my life, no one can ever take away from me. Now obviously you don't have to jump out of a plane, but you should definitely take time to think about what you can accomplish in a day that would make you happy and then take steps to do it.

- Relationship building. The easiest way to do this is probably to join some clubs or take some classes that interest you. Talk to anyone and everyone while you're there, but detach yourself from the outcome of your interactions. Stop thinking about the past or the future. Be in and enjoy the present. Don't think about past mistakes within interactions and don't worry about trying to win friends or girlfriends (or you'll look desperate). Making friends/girlfriends will happen naturally over time. For now, just be polite and enjoy the current interaction.


4. Become independent.

- IN-Dependent, depend on what's inside of you instead of latching onto others for your happiness and well-being. Strength from within, that's what you want. This one won't be easy. It'll take time. There's no shortage of self-help books that can explain this better than me, so I'll leave it at that.


5. Change your "center".

- By your "center", I mean what your life is centered around. (And, yes I'm stealing this from 7 habits) Stop doing what you think mommy wants you to do, or dad, or your siblings, or your friends, or women, or your church, or your boss, or the child in yourself. Center your life around the timeless, self-evident truths or principles of nature. Such as integrity, fairness, honesty, human dignity, service, compassion, etc. In other words, just do what would make God proud. (I'm not really a religious person, it's just easier to explain it that way.) Things become much easier when you no longer feel you have to figure out what others think about you. You just live by a code which is inline with the correct laws of nature. People may not like it at times. They may disagree. They may try to knock you down. But as long as you are confident you are doing what is right, you will float peacefully above it. And in the end they will respect you. That is way more important.


6. Recover from setbacks.

- Like Stephen Covey, author of "7 habits of highly effective people", said: An airplane is off course most of it's flight, but through constant corrections its able to arrive at its destination. Don't worry about slipping up. You can and will recover.



Like I said, your story is very much like my own. I am living proof that you can turn your life around. I hope this helps you in some way.

 

[SharpGame]

Two more things,

If you screwed your body up moving stuff then go see a Chiropractor, not a Doctor, about your health. They've helped me immensely.

Also, read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. It's a quick read and was very humbling for me. You think we got problems? Try being a Jew during the holocaust! The biggest thing I got from the book that I want you to understand is to not let the pain you're going through be for nothing. Right now because of what you're going through your mind is wide open for new ways of thinking. Pain can be a great way to change habits quickly. This is your best time to reprogram your brain. Don't squander this opportunity. Embrace it. Run with it. Now is your time to become, well, whomever you want to be. Good luck.

 

[Riegs]

Guys,

Thank you. I know some of you really spent some time in your responses and I really appreciate the advice. I know that I'm much more than the person I've been for a while now. I know it, because I used to be much more than I am now. Somewhere along the line, I allowed doubt, fear and insecurity to seep in and start dictating the course of my life. The longer that I've stayed in that mindset, the more lies I've come to believe about myself as the years have passed. My environment and the coldness from my family has only reinforced those feelings. I know that my lack of social interaction is not helping this at all.. I remember how I used to feel, but anywhere I go now on my own (which is rarely) makes me feel completely displaced.

I haven't been progressing socially, physically, mentally or in any capacity really. I've been stuck looking in the past because I can't picture the life I could have. I only see myself alone and living an empty life with material distractions; it's a product of my thinking that I have to overcome.

I know that part of my problem is that I live out in the country. This state is mostly a service industry and the idea of moving on my own down to Boston or somewhere else to have a real career is something I'm not prepared for. As I said, my friends have moved on in their lives so I can't rely on anyone else but myself. My dreams of finding "the one" never panned out. There are 3 divorces between both of my brothers and I can't look to marriage or to anyone else for happiness or a sense of security.

I am trying to prioritize and realize what I want out of life. I just don't want to spend too much time thinking about it, because at this point anything would be better than nothing. It's going to be a long road but right now I'm not feeling too bad, I can cope with the day to day stuff at least. Depression really is like a disease.. I feel aches and pains and tension all the time. My seratonin levels are probably bottomed out.

I'm going to stop staying up so late and start out small. Everyone's always told me I had so much potential, it's just social hurdles and false beliefs about myself that I've let pile up over time that have held me back and killed my spirit. I've got my work cut out for me.

I'll report back in future posts, thanks again to everyone.

 

[window]

I think moving would be a good idea and then following the advice the guys in this thread who have spent a lot of time to put it together...the rest will fall into place. Remember you have to work on yourself from the inside out. If the chemistry isn't right in your body then you have no hope.