What kind of respect is this?

[Mr. Goods]

This week, I have run into several stories about random, general things going on in my world. After thinking through them, I was curious:

-Although I have a good relationship with my younger sister, she doesn't talk to me much when I'm home from college (she's dealing with her high school dramas). If I say hi, she just mumbles a "hey" and moves on. However...this week in school, she had to fill out an application for a certain program and one of the questions asked her to name someone she really respects and why. I learned from my parents that she used me for this answer.

-My friends back home good-naturedly make fun of me a lot. It gets annoying sometimes, but I don't throw a tantrum. When I ask them to tone it down, they don't always cooperate. Thoughtless friends, right? However...they rely on me when making decisions for the group. If I'm not around, they seem lost and their plans fall apart.

-A friend of mine at school who I got to know this year revealed that I came off as someone "in over my head" for the first part of college (this was before I really got to know him). In my very hands-on course for my major last year, my peers believed I didn't really know what I was doing and didn't want to be around me because of that. However...this year, my friend says I am the "man in control." Additionally, people who once thought I was clueless now come to me asking for help in our hands-on major course and they have gotten to know me much better this year.

-At my internship last summer, despite doing a good job, my peers would often try to control the situation without my involvement. They didn't seem to think much of my capabilities although I never came off as unreliable. However...whenever a problem arose, I was called on to fix the problems, and I did. Whenever there was crisis, I was the one they could count on to get them out of it every time. Whenever there was a challenging but rewarding task, my peers felt I was deserving to tackle it.

This is more of an inner-game issue, but I'm confused. Looking at the examples above, people don't seem to think as much as me when I am in direct contact, but once I am away, they think very positively of me. I don't understand this. Why do you think this is so? Also, is there anything I can do to receive more "direct respect" in addition to the "indirect respect?"

 

[Mr. Goods]

Any thoughts? Maybe I didn't word it perfectly, but hopefully it's clear what I mean by my post.

One comparison with my post is a US President who is criticized and questioned throughout his term, but once he leaves office, critics realize he actually did a good job. Strange.

 

[kingsam]

for the thrid one maybee it was that you have just grown up and become organised (i used to be very last-minute... and people were suprised that by final year at college i was more "on time" its still a bit of a personal problem tho! )

ther seems to be a theme of peole liking to put you down and feel superior, but still use you when they need it
so
- you beat down on
- you get used

maybe its the way you put up with sh.ite from people ?
are you a passive /chilled person... maybe you need to be a bit more assertive
-like your freinds - give your freinds some banter back - they will stop ripping on you if you can rip back...

ALTHOUGH people do often try and beat on you if they know you are "better" but cant admit it...possibly they feel threatened ??
i have experienced this - i went on holiday last year with 3 others, to cyprus, a party resort - one of th eeasiest places to hook up in europe- they were TOTALy rubbish, none got laid, only a few kisses from girls by leeching off me... (i got more than all 3 thogether!)
BUT they'd still rip on me about this n that really pettie stuff - i think it was partly a clear subconcious way of distracting them selves from how clueless they were with the ladies

my 2 cents...

BTW what do you study??

edit - your sister : she'll prob grow out of it soon, thats just teenagers

 

[CaptainJ]

It sounds like you're the b1tch. You need to assert yourself more. Be more confident and people won't put you down so much. Put them in their place when they start.

 

[Mr. Goods]

Thanks for the responses. I think you guys are onto something, but I don't feel I am a pushover.

Kingsam, you have a good point about being more assertive (you mentioned it once before too). I am too laid back. I don't get very upset with things, I look for the silver lining and try to remain optimistic. Friends have told me that I "don't get beyond frustrated." While the "haters" usually can get their barbs in since I don't need to lose control, they will "break" when they realize they're not cracking me. One girl (who I will mention later) who had a short fuse and would blow up every time something went wrong with class projects - a girl considered "scary and tough as nails" - eventually cried in the hallway because she couldn't get to me.

My friends back home have very thin skin. I feel that they rip on me because they get insecure of themselves. There is a mix of guys who failed out of college, don't do anything to further their futures (one picked a vacation + summer job at a department store instead of a good internship because the internship was unpaid) and are generally very lazy. They're good guys who I have known since high school, but they can be frustrating too.

In our group, I've been the one who always had things in order; what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, etc. Maybe they are a little threatened, as you said. When I do rip back on them, some of them get pissy and walk away, and that's no fun. The ones that don't are my closest friends in the group...which I guess makes sense, since they never try to rip me.

I study communications. In our class, we do a lot of projects which require going on and off campus. I improved because of two factors. First, my partner last year (we had one partner all semester) was a wreck and would lose it every 2 seconds; this didn't help my image in the class. She was not in the class this year, and I think people were happy about that. Secondly, I became much more confident in my abilities and learned new things very quickly.

 

[RMM]

Heh, this reminds me of something I did when I was in High School. When we were playing football (soccer) I used to be the goalkeeper, and every so often there was some remark and some joke about how bad I was at football and that's why I was the goalkeeper, yadda yadda. Whatever, no big deal, right?

Well, in Spring there was an "internal" tournament at school between the different classes of the same years, for a variety of sports. I chose not to participate in the soccer team, opting instead to fly solo in the badminton competition. This came as a surprise to the guys who were preparing the soccer team and, dare I say, seemed to cause a bit of anxiety.

Come tournament time they got kicked out on the first round after being utterly destroyed by their opponents. Basically 90% of everything that the opposing team shot anywhere near the goalposts ended up as a goal.

The boys didn't seem too happy about the result, and I noticed they weren't too happy about the fact that I didn't play with them then, but the offhanded comments about my lack of skill took a nosedive after that (I was, in fact, a pretty decent goalkeeper). My lesson learned was to, on situations where I know I'm doing good and even helping others while the others try to put me down, I'll let them hang themselves with their own rope one or two times to drive the point home. It has served me well since then, YMMV.

 

[sodbuster]

I think you need to learn the difference between friends and people you know.The ones you have walk away arent friends. As far as the rest of your problems-"some people talk a good game,others play a good game". MAYBE drop that line the next time someone you work or study with tries to put you down.

 

[kingsam]

Heh, this reminds me of something I did when I was in High School. When we were playing football (soccer) I used to be the goalkeeper, and every so often there was some remark and some joke about how bad I was at football and that's why I was the goalkeeper, yadda yadda. Whatever, no big deal, right?

Well, in Spring there was an "internal" tournament at school between the different classes of the same years, for a variety of sports. I chose not to participate in the soccer team, opting instead to fly solo in the badminton competition. This came as a surprise to the guys who were preparing the soccer team and, dare I say, seemed to cause a bit of anxiety.

Come tournament time they got kicked out on the first round after being utterly destroyed by their opponents. Basically 90% of everything that the opposing team shot anywhere near the goalposts ended up as a goal.

The boys didn't seem too happy about the result, and I noticed they weren't too happy about the fact that I didn't play with them then, but the offhanded comments about my lack of skill took a nosedive after that (I was, in fact, a pretty decent goalkeeper). My lesson learned was to, on situations where I know I'm doing good and even helping others while the others try to put me down, I'll let them hang themselves with their own rope one or two times to drive the point home. It has served me well since then, YMMV.

wiht regards to school footbal, every one wants to be the attack, so people dont bother defending properly and the goalie always get blamed... happened to me too!