What do you say when they break 'no contact'?

[Tictac]

After 4 months of a great relationship, this woman I've been seeing gets bent out of shape because my Match account is still active (she had - unilaterally - idled hers and told me that). I told her that I did check in on Match once in a while but was not seeing or communicating with anyone there. Not good enough for her.

She gets sort of wacky for a bit, even showing up at my house all angry, name calling - the whole bit. I told her that no one gets to talk to me like that and that, when she was ready to talk we would talk.

We did talk and things briefly got better.
Sidebar, this woman is Brazilian, 5'11" solid 8. When we get along, its very good and the sex is mind blowing - easily the best in my life. I am neither young nor inexperienced in such things.

But, she did go out a time or two and then pulled way back on me, as though her feelings have a rheostat. She said it was because I would not commit and that these dates were not much to talk about. I was ready to backpedal on things like Match. But not after she started going out. And I stopped contacting her. I have been going out and it's fine. But if things are doable with her, I would like to work on that.

But I get these odd phone calls and texts from her about what she's doing - getting a small tattoo redone, an odd article she read online - yada, yada.

I'd like to see her and more importantly get back to enjoying us (especially the sex). Things were great, now they are uh awkward.

Part of NC is getting on with my life and I'm good with that. Part of NC is giving her space to see what, if anything, she misses.

I'm thinking about a point blank response to her next message that - If she'd like to discuss the relationship, that's good but if its going to be chit-chat, no thanks.

I thought I'd ask some experienced hands about that. What do you say?

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

If you try and go after this, tread carefully. I've had girls contact me out of the blue after a few months of NC, but in the end most of them just wanted a feeling of a guy chasing them. They weren't looking to jump back in the sack, just looking to boos their ego by having another guy emailing them, texting them, etc.

If you do attempt to re-engage, be up front with what you'll put up with and won't put up with, not by discussion, but by action.

Whenever she does ANYTHING remotely wacko, say something to the effect of:

"Look you're a great gal but when you act like that, I just don't find you very attractive. Bye bye."

Let her know through your ACTIONS what's acceptable and not acceptable.

But since you said she's the best lay you'd ever had, this will be tough.

Good luck.

As always, keep your eyes peeled for more options.

 

[skying]

try to communicate more, that is important.

 

[Warrior74]

Best thing to say : Nothing.

Second best thing : You only say to words. "Come over." Her response dictates if any further conversation happens. If she comes over, treat her as normal, if she won't act normal, leave. (for me normal is chitchat making out and sex). If she acts normal talk to her after you bang her when/if she brings it up.

Worst thing : I love you. Or, I missed you. Or, I've been waiting to see you.

Check out Anti-dumps Machine if you haven't read it.
Part I
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=39729

Part II
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=39769

 

[Jules_Winfield]

Why were you still on Match after a 4 month relationship, you big dummy! She didn't need space, she needed to know you wouldn't cheat. Don't acknowledge either one of you did anything wrong. Get together with her but act like it's not a date, more like two old friends meeting up. Start acting the way you used to with her and she'll go right back to her girlfriend role. Have the serious talk after sex.

I'm opposed to having the conversation over the phone because things easily go wrong with phone calls. DON'T ASK about the dates she had because she could have been lying about the dates, or they could have been ONS.

 

[Tictac]

Thanks gentlemen. 'Nothing' sounds about right for the moment.

'Come over' may work if she's in touch sometime.

I've not had much in the way of phone calls between us, just her ersatz texts.

I'll see.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

If you try and go after this, tread carefully. I've had girls contact me out of the blue after a few months of NC, but in the end most of them just wanted a feeling of a guy chasing them. They weren't looking to jump back in the sack, just looking to boos their ego by having another guy emailing them, texting them, etc.

Yep, watch out. In the past when this has happened, I should have been able to tell the difference of why she was contacting me. Was it because she wanted to actually see me, or was she contacting me for the attention and/or to flip the switches on me.

If they're being vague and playing games right off the bat then pretty good sign she's messing with you. If you two once had a good relationship she should be able to openly talk to you about how she feels. She may be hoping you'll make that first step. I'd just say a simple:

"let's talk"

Can't really go wrong. You've played it well up to this point. Ball will be in her court, you're giving her the window of opportunity she needs without really giving up anything.

She may have some pride and stubbornness and still feel that you were cheating on her. That would be warranted considering you had a match profile four months into it. Telling her you want to talk will give her an excuse to look past that.

 

[Paintballguy]

It's a trap man... If you do end up talking to her, just play it close to the vest and see what she has to say. I've made the mistake of giving in to an ex before, and I just ended up looking like a fool.

 

[Tictac]

So today, out of the blue she sends this text -

"If you look really close, you can see a man in a zentai suit on 'x' Road.

There was a pic attached of, you guessed it, a guy in a zentai suit.

WTF?

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Does that have some other meaning. Inside joke or information between you two??

You could just not reply or give a one word response. Feigning disinterest.

Or, if you were trying to be witty you could say: "great, was hoping to see one of those today. Thanks!"

Something like that. That's what I'd do.

 

[Tictac]

Thanks P&V. That's what I did.

It was a private joke from a month or two back.

 

[Jules_Winfield]

Tictac,

You're 62. How old is she?

 

[Tictac]

47.

I'd like to play this. But right now, I'm just amused.

 

[Jules_Winfield]

She's not going to ask you for a conversation about your relationship. She wants you back and is afraid to say. You need to break NC and easy her into meeting you. After all, this is all your fault.

 

[Tictac]

Jules,

When she first started this, I did ask her out and to talk.

What I got was a confusing dialog of push-pull and some 'too bad for you' talk.

I admit that I'm confused. But this more than a little weird.

 

[Desdinova]

When she contacts you after a few months, it means she currently has no other options and is needing attention. When she contacts you after a year or more, it means that you actually are more valuable than the other losers she's been with over that period of time.

 

[Tictac]

This does seem like its for some attention desdinova. But she seems comfortable keeping me at a distance or maybe satisfying something inside her.

Maybe she thinks that this is a way to keep me in her orbit.

If so, that indicates deeper things going on in her head.

 

[Paintballguy]

This does seem like its for some attention desdinova. But she seems comfortable keeping me at a distance or maybe satisfying something inside her.

Maybe she thinks that this is a way to keep me in her orbit.

If so, that indicates deeper things going on in her head.

Any attention you give her is just giving her validation and stroking her ego.

 

[Tictac]

PBG,

Seems likely. So, if I respond, its in a text of a few words. Whether I respond or not, another few days and something else oblique show up. Very strange.

Like I said, I'm trying to stay amused. Not like I don't want to get back with her.

But meanwhile I've been out a couple of times and am having dinner with an Irish knockout tomorrow night.

 

[Scaramouche]

DearTic-Tac,
Taiyoo Atoko,gives the best response in my book....I would take his thoughts further....You have damaged her ego by going No Contact and by being firm about it...She may want you back to re establish the relationship and end it later her way....However I predict you will ignore most of the advice and take her back on her terms,because quite simply she is a good Fvuck!