What do you do when you feel the tremors of Oneitis?

[Rubato]

In the midst of my legal troubles I've written a bit about on this board and my classes, somehow I've still managed to maintain my dating life without anything suffering. In fact, I think me being exceptionally busy has been helping because I've been too worried about my legal problems to worry about the girls, and I've been too busy between all 3 to devote extra time anyone. In fact, I've been devoting significantly less time to the girls, and just as one would expect, it's increasing their level of attraction for me and interest in me.

I added my 4th plate to the mix last night (it was actually the 5th, until I nexted one of them this afternoon) and I can start to feel the tremors of oneitis coming on. I have not become very attached to any of the girls I've been seeing, but the girl from last night has effected me in a very strong way. I like it and I don't. I haven't felt an actual desire to want to be with a girl romantically like this in a while... a long time. I like that part. But we all know that those feelings in a new relationship are often accompanied by those evil feelings of neediness, desperation, unfulfillment, ect... And I don't like that at all.

I've had a crush on this girl for a few months, she's in one of my classes. I had thought she had a boyfriend and it turns out I was wrong and found that out 2 weeks ago when I ran in to her while I was sarging. She gave me several IOI's, including asking me to dance, giving me her number when me and my wing bounced, and actually called me when she moved to a new venue to ask us to join her.

We got together last night to watch a movie.

I went over to her house after our class together last night. On my way out, she texted:

HB: Are you hungry?
Me: That depends... what are you making for diner? [she talks a lot about how she cooks and likes to cook and has brought me in cookies before that she's made, to give you some context]
HB: Lol well I am hungry but idk
Me: [I decided since we were gonna get a movie, bringing pizza back to her place would be a good idea. I didn't want to take her to some restaurant and screw everything up talking for 45 minutes about something boring] What's your fav pizza place?

She then called me because she doesn't like to text and drive and told me, ordered the pizza, and we went to pick it up. Her mom also had some food made for us and I played her some music on her piano and then we got all cuddly together watching a movie. She waited on me like a good girl should and made a few remarks about how much of a gentleman I am, how I'm a jack of all trade and good at everything, and that I, unlike so many other guys out there, have figured out how to be masculine, self confident, and self assured without also being a jerk or operating from an insecurity. She also requested that we do this again before I left and asked me to let her know when I got home safely (probably because she knows about that sh1tty traffic case I'm involved in ).

Me: I made it home safely HB
HB: Good! Thanks for coming down! I had fun tonight!
Me: Good... I did too have sweet dreams tonight!
HB: Awe thanks! ) You're very sweet! Thanks for being so sweet!!

So, I think things went well last night, but I'm becoming mesmerized by this girl and I don't know what to do about it. I keep reminding myself that she has flaws like any other girl and thinking about how sh1tty girls can be and how she's a girl just like all of the other ones. I even went out with another girl after I left her house, a girl this afternoon, and I have another date tonight. And I don't care. This is really bothering me because I thought I was a little further down the road than to get derailed by this to the extent that I am. I'm spinning plates, keeping busy with other things, and it doesn't feel like it's helping to the extent it should. Any advice?

 

[Serg897]

Please give this man some perspective. Im in exactly the same situation right now - and Im afraid there is just no way to avoid these oneitis tremors, just to be consciously aware of them and try to prevent them from controlling you....

 

[Alex DeLarge]

I know what you mean man. I'm top notch on my game for the first few dates with a girl, then I feel some kind of attachment to her. It's annoying.

You just have to see where it goes. Hope for the best, but be ready for the worst. Know what I mean? It's all about your life focus.

If you view yourself being completely in control of your reality, there is no problem with dating this girl. If you see outside forces in complete control of your reality, then they will be and prevent this from working.

Don't think about how sh1tty girls can be, that's gonna screw you up thinking "I BET SHE'S FVCKING 5 OTHER DUDES" when she probably isn't. Just look at her as a nice genuine girl that you have sexual interest in. If she doesn't return that feeling, then find another girl that does.

If you're hanging out with her and she's into you you should definitely make the moves on her though.

 

[Rubato]

Okay guys, then let me revise my question.

We would all agree it's okay for a guy to like a girl (I would hope we would at least). So how does a "DJ" go reconcile the fact that he likes a girl and is okay with it with all of the difficulties of oneitis? Right now in my life, it feels like that genuinely caring for a girl romantically = some form of early stage oneitis. I don't' like that

 

[st_99]

Okay guys, then let me revise my question.

We would all agree it's okay for a guy to like a girl (I would hope we would at least). So how does a "DJ" go reconcile the fact that he likes a girl and is okay with it with all of the difficulties of oneitis? Right now in my life, it feels like that genuinely caring for a girl romantically = some form of early stage oneitis. I don't' like that

you're right its a paradox. the entire point of getting with girls is because
we enjoy them and WANT to be with them BECAUSE we like them. Yet,
oneitis is bad and will ulitmately kill the attraction. Oneitis is simply the result of lack of options.

So, you either need to date multiple HB's at the same time which will temper any crazy enthusiasm you may have for one. And if you cant find multiple girls to date I guess you just need to pretend like you are, lie to yourself and act like it the best you can I guess. lol.

But it sounds like you already have a few girls on rotation so Im not sure what the problem is. Sounds like you are doing everything right, even going out with another girl straight afterwards. Are they all banged up except
for the latest one?

 

[Serg897]

But it sounds like you already have a few girls on rotation so Im not sure what the problem is. Sounds like you are doing everything right, even going out with another girl straight afterwards. Are they all banged up except
for the latest one?

I think the problem is that quality women are genuinely few and far between. Its easy to get any average girl in bed that you find in the end you don't care much about, and consequently you have little problem dropping her if someone better comes along. When you find a woman that seems to be genuinely what you are looking for though, this is when the problem arises. You have to grapple with all these god damn emotions in order to maintain the frame and avoid falling into chumpdom.

 

[Rubato]

I think the problem is that quality women are genuinely few and far between. Its easy to get any average girl in bed that you find in the end you don't care much about, and consequently you have little problem dropping her if someone better comes along. When you find a woman that seems to be genuinely what you are looking for though, this is when the problem arises. You have to grapple with all these god damn emotions in order to maintain the frame and avoid falling into chumpdom.

And out of this we put the woman on a pedestal. That's what's going on. She's a high quality girl (according to us) and given the massive quantity of low value girls, this girl has inherently more value to us than any of them. And when there is value, there is always the threat of losing the value. Let me personalize this a bit.

The HB in question makes me dinner. She refills my drinks. She brings me a footstool when I sit down to watch the movie with her. She gets up half way during the movie and serves me ice cream and refills my drink again. She fvcking knows how to treat a man! Beyond that, she's extremely beautiful, she's about to graduate with a degree in chemistry and go to grad school to either become a chemistry professor or nurse practitioner. She's got a very positive and uplifting personality without being unrealistic. And despite knowing how to treat a man properly, she is also not a wet blanket and can stand up to disrespect when necessary. We have very similar religious viewpoints and ideals for our future. And did I mention the girl is absolutely gorgeous?

This changes my question yet again. When you meet a girl who sparks an interest in you like this, how is it possible NOT to want to her in your life to the extent that you don't start acting like it?

Maybe this is the difference. Lest I use a James Bond example... I know some of you hate that.

In example A, you have senior AFC, he really is a nice guy. And that's the problem. He's the prototypical AFC. And he meets this girl, falls in love with her and starts acting as an AFC would. Since this type of behavior is so common, I don't think I need to elaborate very much about it.

But in example 2, you have your James Bond, Harrison Ford, Don Juan, whoever in the world you think is "alpha" or whatever. He sees a girl and kind of like what prettyboyaj said, he realizes he's in control of his life and it's not directed by externals. So he proceeds as though he were. And even though he likes this girl and realizes she is special, he doesn't lose site of his own personal worth. And if she doesn't reciprocate the affection, he may even take offense to it. I mean, this guy is THE Don Juan... literally. And the girl doesn't like him!! She must be an idiot! Don Juan realizes then that maybe the problem wasn't that the girl didn't like him, that was actually the solution. Don Juan is a very self actualized man and while he may not like it, is able to admit when he is wrong. And he was obviously wrong here... because if this woman were of as high of quality as he thought, she certainly would have liked him!

And I think that's just it. It just occurred to me how retarded it is for us men to pine over the unrequited affection of a woman, unless we really believe there is a reason she should have to not like us. And if there is, we need to address that reason before we start trying to light the fires of a new romance. Why do we expend so much energy on women we haven't spent enough time with for them to prove to us their worth? We assume they have worth based on a supply of information that would fail to impress a person under any other circumstance... and yet we lie to ourselves and allow that information to impress us.

That doesn't make me feel a lot better. But. I still think it's right.

 

[perseverance]

Having oneitis is fine providing you don't start putting her on a pedestal, cancelling plans to spend time with her, pouring out your emotions and feelings and generally acting like a bum. The problem with oneitis is that it creates images of you and her holding hands in fields of cotton candy surrounded by a sea of love and suddenly you're writing her poems, sending flowers to her office and becoming a doormat.

Oneitis is not the problem, the problem is a lot of men (myself included) change how we behave when oneitis gets stronger, we go from being the man the girl is interested in to being an unfamilar person that girl doesn't know and this is what I believe kills the attraction.