western women attitudes towards islam, muslims & arranged marraiges

[snackwitch]

hey guys wanted to get perspective from some experienced DJs (I dont need any feedback from racist or prejudiced people thank you)

I am a guy who came from a pretty restrictive Muslim family (my parents were in an arranged marriage back in the old country). Basically most of my extended family have ideas and conceptions of male-female relations, dating, marriage that is at odds with how things work in America.

I'm too old to try cover up or make excuses for who I am, where I come from, or what my family is like.

The main problem is that any dating or meeting of girls needs to be done away from my family. The reason is that they are judgmental, and they will become antagonistic towards any female I would be hanging with who A) is not Muslim and B) who I have no intentions of marrying.

This fact makes me terribly self-conscious with any girls that they I think of bringing into my life at all. I feel torn with living my life and realizing my potentials and the obligations and emotional appeals that my family browbeats me with.

I grew up in the U.S. and I am American, but I feel like my extended family are attempting to drag me back into their old world way of thinking (my aunts and mom have been mentioning finding someone for me).

How do I deal with this sort of situation without making a girl feel nervous, apprehensive, or suspicious about the fact that I avoid bringing her around my family?

 

[daygameguy]

Dude you gotta have your OWN judgment of what's right and wrong.

You can't be under the protection of your family all your life, so you have to develop your own principles.

Respect your family and use your head and heart to go where you want and do what you desire.

West is just more fun oriented and casual thinking atmosphere.

Every culture is different because of the long ages of historical events giving birth to the culture.

Just remember that beneath the mask of social conditioning, every human is basically the same. Try to use an open mind and not get bogged down by such things.

If I were getting married tomorrow I wouldn't care about the strippers in Vegas, feeling obnoxious, I would be happy and grateful for a wonderful life ahead.

Not sure if I answered your question, but maybe you can read between the lines. cheers.

 

[nando]

Dude you gotta have your OWN judgment of what's right and wrong.

You can't be under the protection of your family all your life, so you have to develop your own principles.

Respect your family and use your head and heart to go where you want and do what you desire.

West is just more fun oriented and casual thinking atmosphere.

Every culture is different because of the long ages of historical events giving birth to the culture.

Just remember that beneath the mask of social conditioning, every human is basically the same. Try to use an open mind and not get bogged down by such things.

If I were getting married tomorrow I wouldn't care about the strippers in Vegas, feeling obnoxious, I would be happy and grateful for a wonderful life ahead.

Not sure if I answered your question, but maybe you can read between the lines. cheers.

Exactly, slavery would have never ended if people stuck to the beliefs of their forefathers.

 

[prairiedog24]

Do you want the kind of woman your family wants, or a more westernized girl?

You better think about that long and hard, because however you answer that question determines everything. If you find "the perfect girl" that your family loves, but you aren't into, how's that going to make you happy?

Not trying to talk you into western values here either, if you think you'd be happier with a traditional Islamic girl, go for it.

Point is, you need to make a decision and go for it and don't look back. Sometimes we all get stuck between a rock and a hard place. You just gotta do what you gotta do.

 

[ketostix]

Exactly, slavery would have never ended if people stuck to the beliefs of their forefathers.

Yeah but feminism and a lot of other things would have never happened if people stuck to the beliefs of their forefathers. Point is, just because one or a few beliefs of the past were wrong, doesn't automatically making every and any belief from the past wrong.

 

[Son of anarchy]

Snackwitch who cares what your family expect from you,just go for what you want,thankfully we live in a free world now.
Get what you want and if your family annoy you,just tell them that you want to follow an other way.
Actually it depends if you are living on your own or with them,but try to get a step more of freedom day after day just like the women did in our society till now being able to do what they want.

 

[snackwitch]

Do you want the kind of woman your family wants, or a more westernized girl?

You better think about that long and hard, because however you answer that question determines everything. If you find "the perfect girl" that your family loves, but you aren't into, how's that going to make you happy?

Not trying to talk you into western values here either, if you think you'd be happier with a traditional Islamic girl, go for it.

Point is, you need to make a decision and go for it and don't look back. Sometimes we all get stuck between a rock and a hard place. You just gotta do what you gotta do.

You know what that is a good point, I think I will have to make this decision down the line. For right now, all I know is that I want to meet new and interesting women and discover what type of girls I really click with.

 

[girl_in_a_boy_forum]

Hi there, I don't know if you want a girl's advice, but I'm on the flip side of your situation here.

I'm the American girl in a relationship (3 years) with a man who immigrated to the U.S. from southeast Asia ten years ago. His parents are extremely (and understandably) conservative and traditional to their native culture.

From the very first date, my man told me that things were going to be difficult with his family. He didn't hide any of that from me, and I'm glad. He told me what to expect, and that in dating me, he was going against his family. It made me much more flexible and selfless in our relationship, knowing that, whatever prejudice I face, he has it harder.

I didn't meet his parents until we'd been together for about year. They had no idea. They own a restaurant and I accompanied my man to pick something up. It was a brief meeting; their English is limited so I wasn't able to make much of a good impression.

I saw them again, briefly, about a year later. Again, little to no acknowledgment. His parents caught on at this point and his dad in particular started vehemently telling my man to get rid of me, talking about the "dangers" of interracial marriages and biracial children. To this day, his dad still sees me as a "color" (for lack of better word) and knows nothing about me as a person. He is not interested in knowing me.

After being together for almost three years, his dad yelled at me in English and to my face to never see or come near him again. (Well, obviously I am still with my bf =P) But getting told that and experiencing that kind of ignorance was disheartening.

I guess my advice here is...if you're just dating a girl casually, then there's no need to go into the family politics since she doesn't mean anything to you. But the moment you progress towards a relationship or even a potential relationship, she has the right to know what she's getting into.

As a previous poster mentioned, decide for yourself what kind of woman you want to be with (relationship/marriage). It is absolutely okay if you want a girl with a Muslim background. It is also okay if you are more compatible with a more "westernized" woman.

Your family will be ignorant if you choose a non-Muslim/traditional girl, and they may disown you. My man is not disowned (yet), but there was a period of time recently when his dad very nearly disowned him. This will be worse if you get engaged/married. But I think...and my mom said this too, that when parents make ultimatums of their children, demanding that their children choose between them (the parents) and the outside world...it will backfire on the parents. And then it will be up to the parents to decide what is more important to them: a good relationship with their children, or their "narrow" viewpoints.*

As for being self-conscious around girls...don't be. Many will be put off by your situation, and understandably so. But others will be more accommodating. If you have a good and honest relationship with a girl and she is into you for you, then family is just another hurdle. (Despite all that I've written about my bf's family, it really is the only problem we face.)

Good luck.



*I am not saying that conservative/traditional viewpoints are bad. I do understand where they are coming from. It is an intregal part of their native culture and naturally they are going to cling to that as part of their identity while living in a non-native land.

 

[trent81]

Get a job, get out of your parent's house. Make sure you are taking care of your family rather than they take care of you. Tell your parents to respect your decisions. Islam and Catholicism usually do not look fondly on individualism. Be like the Protestants, be individual. You can still be a Muslim. Remember, your parents will die soon, you will have your wife to lean on, not them. Make sure it's someone YOU are okay with. You should be financially secure and make sure nobody talks down to you, not even parents. No one should control your destiny, not even institutionalized religion.

 

[prairiedog24]

In my earlier post I said that eventually you'll need to pick a side and go with it. On one sense that has to do with your family, but on another sense, it has a lot to do with you. Your happiness as a product of two cultures is in your hands.

One thing I have seen in men raised in conservative Islamic families is to become temporarily enthralled with western culture, and so they marry a western girl, only to slide back into the security of what you're accustomed too.

Do. Not. Do. This. If you want a conservative Muslim girl, by all means, please go find her. I am not dogging Islam. I'm a conservative wait-until-marriage guy myself.

But, if you fall into the temptation to marry a western girl without deciding who YOU ARE as a person and letting her see it, you will only bring decades of unhappiness upon yourself and upon the poor western girl if you present yourself as somebody who will be a partner in marriage, and then slip back into a more patriarchal style of relationship that she will never be able to be happy in.

Edit: I just noticed in your post that you want to meet girls you have no intention of marrying. I phrased this is "marriage" terms, but everything applies to relationships as well. As for the family side, as others said, you can be secretive, tactful, or blunt, but as some point, you can't please everyone.

 

[Cinamon]

Hey snackwich, i understand where you are coming from. I come from a reserved traditional muslim pakistani family and have been born and bred in the UK. I think i possibly have it slightly harder than you cause my heritage (ancestors) were all Preachers (Moulvi's), and the room for movement is more restricted.
My approach to dating has always been follow your heart and do what your conscience allows you to do with comfort, so I have dated. I have kept my dating life and my family very very seperate. I will only ever introduce the guy i intend to marry to my parents, the rest they will never meet. I kind of live an alter ego at home and that has worked for me, but you need to be a bit crafty to pull it off. What mummy pappa dont know wont hurt them.
Also, I think our parents need educating, the values and culture they bought over with them in the 60's, 70's or 80's is not the reality of our modern day living in places like India, Pakistan and Bangladesh... they have adapted to western lifestyles, its just our parents who want to live to the values they were raised with.
I think this will only be as big of an issue as you make it. A lot of people dont introduce their partners to their parents until they are at the stage where they want long term commitment like moving in together or marriage, so dont let it bother you.

 

[Duffdog]

Most likely, you will have to make a choice. One of the only reasons why people continue to stick with traditional values from their families is simply because they enjoy the financial benefits of the family. I'm fairly certain that if you choose to strike out on your own, you will no longer have access to the family resources to which you have become accustomed to. So, your choice then becomes: Be muslim with family $$$ or be whatever you want without family $$$.

 

[Da Realist]

Really, I don't think the question is whether or not to get a western woman. The real issue is really if you're ready to stand on your own two feet and make your own path. To be honest, the person you choose is more important than the culture. If that woman can hang with you depsite all the crap she may get from your parents, she's most likely a keeper. If you do the traditional thing, it's fine too. The thing is that you're at the age were you have to make a choice about where you're going to go in life. Take time. Think. Get yourself stable so if your family was gone the next day you could still function. When you do that, you'll be ready for whatever woman you choose.