Went on it too fast / too pushy ??

[jay_mo]

Hello guys.

I just found this place when I was browsing around for some dating advice, and found lots of interesting threads and tips here that I find very useful. I also came with a question about a specific date I've had so I thought - why not - and decided to post it. Would be really happy if you could help me out!

So, I guess I'm kind of an "average" dating guy. For my age (28,5) I suppose I've slept with a little less than average (10 girls), I've had 2 longer lasting girlfriends. The past year I have been meeting alot more girls than in my earlier days though, and I'm slowly getting things going, but I still have a long way to go.

Anyway, I had a date with a beautiful and young (5 yrs younger) girl last Saturday. Some years ago the biggest problem for me on a date has been to have the gutts to make the move. To touch her, grab her hand and make the kiss move. As I've been pushing myself to get over this, I've done it more and more. With most girls I date and make a move on, this is totally fine and we usually end up making out a lot, sometimes we end up in bed.

This date was a bit different though. It all started with me asking for her number on fb (yes I had her there, but we hadn't been talking on fb before), I just said something like "hey I didn't get a chance to get your number yesterday" and she quickly answered with giving it to me.
I waited for a few days and called her up. She said she was busy, asked to call me back. And she did, less than an hour later.

So far so good. I said I felt like going to a place near where I live this weekend and asked if she liked to join me. She said yes without any doubt.

Still good. Now to the date itself. I met her, we talked and it was all very nice. We sat down on a blanket and drank a couple of beers that I brought, talking and having a great time in the sun. I slowly touched her hand, a little by "accident". She didn't move it immediately, only after a while. I moved and talked and moved it closer again, and she let it stay and let me grab it. And so on.
So up till there it seemed to be going really great.

After getting to warm there, we decided to get moving again and we started walking. Moments later I grabbed her hand. This is were I started to mess things up. My previously "too careful" ego seemed to scream at me like "don't let her go away, you need to hold her hand, and you need to kiss her before the date is over or you'll loose her" and so on.
So I kept holding her hand. She didn't stop me, but I don't know if she wanted to hold it for that long. We walked a bit and she told me she soon had to leave for a family dinner. I walked her to the bus station. Since the bus was not arriving yet, she suggested we take a sit at a bench at a nearby river. I held her hand around her waist and we went there to sit.
There I kissed her, and she let me kiss her. We kissed a while, not "making out"-kisses, she seemed to hold that back. And then after maybe 30 seconds of kissing she turned away slowly.

I made a small attempt to kiss her again but could tell she was not interested in continuing. And at this point I didn't handle the situation very smoothly. I didn't do anything special but the all of the sudden the mood had spoiled.
I followed her to the bus, and I kind of asked if she wanted to meet up again soon. She answered yes but with some doubt in her voice. Also, there would be a natural time for us to meet 2 days later without setting a date (social dancing, this is where we met). We kissed and she went on the bus.

2 days later I texted her, something like "see you at the dance tonight right?"
She answered me 2 hours later writing "yes! it will be fun! but I want to keep it at a friend level. See you! =)"

... well... that's that, I thought.

But I think I handled the situation after that pretty well. I answered her like "no problem, we´ll stay friendly, I know I was bold last time, just so you know I'm not always like that. Will be fun tonight, see you then"

When we met later I acted completely normal, we had a good talk, danced a little, I hanged around with alot of people, was kind of busy as usual and didn't hang around with her alot, only some, just acted normally. I was impressed with myself, I felt good about myself.

After a while I realized she had left. I texted her later and said like "you left early? I was going to ask for another dance ^^ see you"

She answered and said "yes I felt like I was finished dancing =) but another time!"

Well. It ends there.
And that's where I am now. And I'm not sure what to think. In one way I think "Well, she already said she wanted to be friends, that means it's over". On the other hand I'm thinking that she seemed really interested before I went too pushy. It feels like I scared her away. She was interested. Can I make her interested again? After all she must think I took it very well when she rejected me. For her it must have seemed I didn't care at all.

What do you guys think. Is there anything I can do to get another chance?
I have another potential girl I might ask out soon. But I really like this one so if there is a chance to save it would be worth trying... I've got nothing to loose...

Thanks for your time guys!
/jay

 

[LoneWolf]

very interesting post. i think it could possibly be one of those "she tried and didn't like." situations? i've been the same with many girls. i went out with them, got touchy, kissed, but i didn't really like them. eventually i dropped them. could be one of those man. no one knows. i think you handled it well. maybe the hand holding was not the best thing, that's a lil too much for a first date. i would of went for a kiss when you were sitting at the blanket. but if she really liked you she wouldnt be acting this way telling you let's be friendly. also maybe should of not texted her at all after the date. even after the dance, should of just not texted and called her another time for a date.

i'd try her out one more time, another date. repeat the kissing and stuff. if she blows you off again, move on.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

I'm going to repeat what my main man Igetit always says that is sooo true because it def applies here.

Rapport, Attraction and Comfort.

Looking at your situation, looks like there was some attraction since she was excited to go out with you. However the rapport and comfort were definitely missing which is why she felt weirded out by your overly touchy displays of affection.

Bro you were on a first date and treating this girl like she was your gf of 6 months?!

Now its great that your teaching yourself to get over past sticking points and this will be a good learning experience, BUT in the future don't be so touchy on a first date. This chick was probably uncomfortable for a good while on your date, but obviously didn't want to tell you, so she used the "family dinner" as an excuse to get away.

As for your next steps? Well she's pretty much labeled you and you blew your chance. However if you go back to being the fun, outgoing guy you were prior to the date and are still friendly with her, but also don't hang on her at the dance class (don't text her when she leaves, don't ask her out, but exchanges hi's and chit chat for a couple minutes in class) you still might have a chance to get back at her.

However right now, you need to withdraw your attention, because she knows you want her and you rushed into the situation on the date.






PIMP

 

[Pimp-sicle]

I'm going to repeat what my main man Igetit always says that is sooo true because it def applies here.

Rapport, Attraction and Comfort.

Looking at your situation, looks like there was some attraction since she was excited to go out with you. However the rapport and comfort were definitely missing which is why she felt weirded out by your overly touchy displays of affection.

Bro you were on a first date and treating this girl like she was your gf of 6 months?!

Now its great that your teaching yourself to get over past sticking points and this will be a good learning experience, BUT in the future don't be so touchy on a first date. This chick was probably uncomfortable for a good while on your date, but obviously didn't want to tell you, so she used the "family dinner" as an excuse to get away.

As for your next steps? Well she's pretty much labeled you and you blew your chance. However if you go back to being the fun, outgoing guy you were prior to the date and are still friendly with her, but also don't hang on her at the dance class (don't text her when she leaves, don't ask her out, but exchanges hi's and chit chat for a couple minutes in class) you still might have a chance to get back at her.

However right now, you need to withdraw your attention, because she knows you want her and you rushed into the situation on the date.






PIMP

 

[jay_mo]

Hey guys,

Thanks for your input! It's a great help.

You´re both totally right, holding her hand was a really stupid thing to do. ^^ And it was at that point everything seemed to fall apart.
At least I learned something from it. Speaking of rapport, I really felt like we had that before I crossed the line. What about comfort, how do you build it?

What would your suggestions be to act on a first date, let's say I never grabbed this girl´s hand, what should I have done instead of what I did? How can I build attraction, rapport and comfort that stays for the whole date? Should the goal always be to close with a kiss, or should I make exceptions, and if so, when?

Calling her again for a new date at this point feels out of the question. That would for sure screw it forever. I think I found a great level to stay at when I met her again, but texting her after was not so smart I guess. I will follow your advice, pimp.

I just gave a call to another girl that gave me her number recently, so I have a new first date for the weekend. Feels good to have other things going, I need to do better this time so any advice is most welcome =)


/Jay

 

[Iceberg]

Speaking of rapport, I really felt like we had that before I crossed the line. What about comfort, how do you build it?

This is going to sound bad to a lot of people, because I'm using the "friend" word. But I build comfort with women by straddling the line between talking to them as a friend and talking to them as a date.

A lot of my dates are like that. It's just me talking to the person as if we were old friends. And seasoning the interaction with a little flirting. Not too much. If she looks nice, I say, "I see you got dressed up for me." or if a girl messes up details in a story, I'll accuse her of "Lying to impress me."

Fun interaction with occasional flirting. A date doesn't need to be 100% trying to kick some PUA game to her the whole time.

How can I build attraction, rapport and comfort that stays for the whole date? Should the goal always be to close with a kiss, or should I make exceptions, and if so, when?

People here will tell you to always go for the kiss close. I make exceptions. I can tell when I've warmed a date up to the point of getting a kiss close. But if I haven't, then I dont force the issue. I dont think a lack of a kiss close on Date #1 will ruin me for Date #2. It's instinctive. You'll know when you've created the right moment for a kiss.

 

[mahoney]

This is going to sound bad to a lot of people, because I'm using the "friend" word. But I build comfort with women by straddling the line between talking to them as a friend and talking to them as a date.

this will sound bad to a lot of people, but i'm not one of them - i also do this.

people get mixed up with this 'friends' stuff - they view 'friends' as being the 'nice dude' that offers to help carry her books and is a bit of a doormat - but friends isn't like that! friends is easy rapport, fun, a good laugh, natural, organic, no needyness etc - all good traits to bring to the table with a new girl. most of the girls i've been with the line between friends-stuff and sex-stuff is sort of blurred - its about being confident, easy, relaxed, fun with people and not pressuring or needy - make a good rapport with people, be organic and just see where it goes