"We need to take a break" -- Was I dumped or what?

[gradeAprime]

Ok, I'm giving you the long version here, since I realize without the proper context there is nothing you can say to me:


Ok I met a lady on a major internet dating site; we went out about six months until today. She is my physical type, and has a somewhat reserved personality (at first at least), with a touch of 'princessness'.

For the last month she started acting 'moody', showing up angry and snapping with negative comments like she had a mild case of bipolar or something. Then once we went to a restaurant and she drank or ate something, she reverted to 'nice girl' as if nothing had happened. She never acted like this before.

I haven't been in a relationship before so I didn't know what to do about her behavior; I figured all girls are crazy?

Afterwards two or three times we talked about things and her behavior and she said she was just stressed out from work, and apologized. She also talked about her last relationship which lasted five years and ended in a canceled engagement. She seems to not want to get caught in another long term relationship that 'goes nowhere' -- and I have been careful to drop hints that I am not like the last dude. A complicating factor is that while she is extremely beautiful, she is five years older, a fact which she has raised before.

Last weekend we went to her best friends wedding (not a good thing for me I know) and made comments that she was the last of her sisters to be single. (Not good). The ride there was about an hour and she was in full ***** mode, and I tried not to provoke the situation, figuring it was some kind of mood swing. I was careful in what I said, figuring in relationships the 'man' needs to put up with some *****iness from time to time, at least that's what marriages seem to be based on.

after the wedding we drove back and made out in the back seat, she seemed calm and normal again and into it. She said she couldn't stay overnight (never a good sign of course but it doesn't have to always happen, i thought). We talked about our relationship, and problems she had in her past relationships, and about things she would like to happen with us, and I thought I satisfied her doubts.

Then it happened: After that day, this past week she made no contact with me, usually she emails me first on monday. She didn't this time, so I emailed her a very short hello message on Tuesday; no response, again I sent a longer email on Wednesday, then a text message the next day, and a call on Friday.

I feared she was either ignoring me on purpose or was kidnapped. But why would she suddenly pull the disappearing act when I had 'saved' the last date, and she had so proudly introduced me to her ladyfriends as "This is my boyfriend"? Why now? Not even in person?

Finally today she called me and I figured at last, she was just busy, as she said she had been all week. But then, the news: she had 'plans' all weekend and then added that "we need to take a break" from each other.

Because she had acted moody before, and I had always been able to patch it up afterwards, I talked to her to ask for details. She denied that she was dumping me, but said she needed time, and said that I have in the past made complaints that I have been too critical of her in the past (we had spoken of this before, she is extremely sensitive, and seemed hurt when I said i didn't like a restaurant that she had personally suggested we go to. She wore long-short pants that go down to the once, and I tried to somewhat diplomatically said how hot she would be in a miniskirt (hint hint) and whether she had any, and later had been quite angry and said if the way she dressed wasn't good enough for me, then too bad.

She had other concerns including that my pet dog doesn't like her and that I favor the dog over her, and that she feels she has to compete with me for attention with the dog. This took me by surprise, because in the past she always said how much she likes my dog, and how cute she is, and how she wants a dog like that one day.

She also said that she feels we have too different of personalities, and that said she had gotten this "doubtful about the relationship's future" feeling in the past, and wanted to not waste 'our time' (not let it drag out like before). She also said she feels like I am not truly into her. I pressed for examples of why she was doubtful, and she pointed out she was offended by an email I sent, where I wrote that she looked really hot in her tight dress at the wedding, so hot (i joked) that I would be surprised if the groom didn't have second thoughts. (Ok maybe not the best joke now that I think about it, but at the time I was just trying to make her laugh) she was offended and said that the bride was her best friend.

I wasn't sure what to say, so I expressed surprised that she would call it off so soon and sudden, and said that conflicts are inherent in relationships, and men and women act differently so there is never a perfect personality matchup. I also pointed out that the objections she made could be easily fixed, by things such as not bringing the dog with us next time we go for a walk, and that there was no fundamental incompatibility. I said was into her the second I saw her picture, and reminded her that I made the first move in contacting her initially. She denied that this was about commitment, (or at least only about commitment).

A few weeks ago I met her parents and close friends; I thought some things were troubling with her recent moodiness but not this bad.

So what happened? Is the relationship over? If she just wants commitment why dump me and not give me a chance? I have only studied pick up techniques, and don't know anything about relationships or breakups--was I supposed to say something different when she called me today? What should I do now? I don't want it to be over so quickly because I still wanted to spend time with her, and also because I am concerned that I am missing some of relationship skills, which is what caused it to fall apart. That I may have screwed up royally is what freaks me out the most, what if I am inadvertently ruining any relationship I am in?

 

[horaholic]

Sorry to say, but consider it a breakup, and move on immediately. Your relationship appears to have run its natural course. I suggest you part ways on decent terms, dont question her motives, or you'll drive yourself insane. Dont question whether you screwed up or not, and dont contact her. Move on gracefully, and leave her to her life, and enjoy the good aspects of being single. The important part is to cut all contact, for your own sanity. Maybe months down the road, you can cordially be her friend.

 

[Joe Stud]

there are 3 billion females on this earth. time to sample numbers 2, 3 & 4. move on bro

 

[Da Realist]

Basically, she's crazy in the way that she won't tell you what's actually wrong with her, but expects you to magically know what it is. Truthfully, it's not totally your fault. she has a problem and you tried to get to the bottom of it which is a rational response. The problem is she's not being rational. That means you're trying to think your way out of a situation that has no logical answer.

What I think she really wants you to propose because it feels like time is running out for her. In her mind she should be married right now eventhough I'm guessing she dumped her fiance. And instead of just telling you the real reason she's doing it, she's making excuses about a damn dog not liking her or you like it more than her. You it's its all bull and she does, but she wants to be in denial as long as it's not like disputing something like whether the sun comes up in the morning or that fire is hot.

So to answer whether you're dumped or not, you basically are. The thing is that you have three choices. One is to get a decent ring that you know she would like and propose in the next couple days. The second is to try to convince her to see you again without the immediate promise of getting married. The third is to just walk away.

The first may work if she's still attracted to you. The thing is that first you may not want to get married to someone who acted like this within six months of meeting you. 2 years would be a good time to wait and is really how long the honeymoon phase is supposed to last. She acted crazy in 6 months, which tells you something. The second reason is that this will reward her craziness and she will just harp on you about every detail of your life since the impending marriage is the most important thing to you both, at least in her mind.

The second suggestion will definitely fall flat because no woman wants to be convinced to fall in love with a man. They want to feel that is the right choice before knowing it's the right one. So promises to fix something or trying to even fix the problem won't work. That's why I'm suggesting the third.

Just walk away. I remember reading how the person with the least power really controls everything because it's just a matter of how much you are willing to put up with. With that said, just drop off the face of the earth. This way you don't reward her behavior. She wanted you gone, and now you are gone. Will she be happy? No. She wants you to beg for her truthfully because she is in a sense trying to get some kind of satisfaction that she didn't receive from the failed engagement. The best thing you can do is to just not talk to her and let her sort herself out.

Now if she calls you, don't answer it. If she leaves a message, call her back to answer her question and get off the phone as soon as possible. If it's an email or text, answer her question some time during the same day if possible, but don't get into a conversation. If she wants to talk things out, then you tell her to meet you somewhere in the next couple days and do it. My advice is that since it's only been 6 months, don't even waste your time since she hasn't earned that privilege. Then again, I haven't been the one in the relationship with her, so it's up to you.

So, to sum it up: yes you have been dumped and just walk away right now. By not even dealing with the drama, you solve the problem.

 

[Scars]

Oh wow buddy, you are a mess. Your mindset is all wrong. Being careful not to provoke her? Not telling her to shut up when she starts getting b!tchy? It seems like this girl was just giving you a bunch of sh!t tests and you failed all of them. You are dealing with a girl that has developed low interest. She wants a break because she is seeking other options or she is testing your emotional reaction. The key here is to remain unaffected by all of this. You need to completely cut her off. When you just disappear without a word eventually this girl is going to say "hey.. what the hell? why doesn't he like me anymore?" it may be a few weeks but it will happen. She is going to try and contact you. Ignore her. She will then try again a few days later. Ignore her. Her anxiety is going to grow, she is going to wonder why you don't like her anymore. She is going to be thinking about you all the time and slowly start to develop feelings for you again until she hits a point where she does something crazy. She is going to beg for you back. She will tell you she made a horrible mistake and cry and whine. Her IL will be higher than ever, and it will be your decision to take her back or not. However, if you don't fix your dominate male frame then this sh!t is just going to happen again. Her IL will slowly diminish. You need to keep your head straight and keep your confident sexual frame and tame this b!tch.

 

[gradeAprime]

I appreciate your comment; sometimes I revert back into my old ways. I want to make sure I don't ruin a relationship by fagging out. In this case, though, I'm not sure what I was supposed to do; they weren't like any sh!t tests I've seen, the girl looked demented and was talking crazy, a LOT of anger.

Were they really sh!t tests? I thought that things worked differently once in a long term relationship -- do the sh!t tests ever stop? Is that all girls do their entire lives?

When she has been acting up, I felt she wasn't testing me as much as having some kind of actual mood disturbance, a psychological issue within her that was not related to me. Do the anti-sh!t tests count in a long term relationship when the girl is emotionally out of whack? It couldn't have been her reproductive filter because we had been going out for six months and had overnight stays . . .

I now feel she is a bit whack and I feel good I am free. I already have some singles events scheduled in the next few days, to bust out of this . . . I'm praying that most girls aren't this whack, just the ones on the internet.

 

[Scars]

The sh!t tests will never end. That's why relationships end. Most guys will fall back into their AFC ways slowly until she loses enough interest to start looking for your replacement. You must always keep the dominate frame, always.

There is a chance she might just be bi-polar or crazy. But when she is acting up she is still unconsciously testing you because she is observing your emotional response. Once she sees that it starts to affect you then she is going to continue to do it and it's only going to get worse. You need to nip that right in the butt at the very first sign of it, and if it still continues then it's time to next her.

 

[sodbuster]

Take a break, means "there's a guy I'd like to do-but if he doesn't work out, we can date". there's a whole thread on it that spells it out

 

[gradeAprime]

Good for the new guy, since she will freak out eventually and mood swing the dude away. She wants to get married, and men tend to not want to be married to emotionally disturbed women.

About the sh!t tests, I did parry her blows and pretended that it didn't bother me and wasn't a big deal. I would ask why she is so angry, and She would talk about how she was so independent she could do whatever she wanted. So then I suggested that she could pay for dinner then. (Then she said I should pay for the enjoyment of her company--the whole time she was FUMING angry, her face looked different as it was distorted by her anger, it was weird). I tried to calm the little lady down, saying "I do enjoy your company very much".

I felt like just walking away but I thought in a long term relationship I should be more tolerant of her moodiness and compassionate to her situation. Guess not? Since I posted here I feel better now that I am free.

 

[rocksoff]

Just from the title man, yeah you got dumped........all this stuff youre sayin sounds like what girls would be sayin when you dump them...NEXT

 

[vitor]

The min things start go get unpleasant, uncomfortable and unenjoyable bail man. Plus she is 5 years old than you, she is about 10 years too old for you in my world..

 

[nismo-4]

That girl is simply saying that it's over between us and I've got a better boyfriend when you leave the set.

Move on.

 

[Abcd]

A few things that seem extremely clear:

1. You are obviously a very normal, sane, intelligent, well-spoken guy.
2. She obviously has some personality issues that seem to go beyond normal.

Regardless of any other advice you may get on this board, you do not belong with this person - she is too much work and you can do better.

Having said that, you have had few relationships and want relationship advice. So let's leave aside for a moment the fact that this woman was not worth your time from the start. Having left that aside, I'm not sure anybody here can tell what exactly you could have done "better" in this relationship, one possibility follows:

You shouldn't be completely and totally "nice" in a relationship. Ideally you should be nice about 98% of the time, but part of normal human emotion is to get a bit offended or be a little annoyed every once in a while. This doesn't have to be in the context of a "relationship" issue - you could simply take issue with a political position, or a personal drama outside of your relationship. It sounds like in your attempt to preserve the relationship, you may have become completely conciliatory, and this is not a turn-on. The sterotype of a married man being completely conciliatory to keep the marriage going is simply a sitcom parody - not to be emulated. Real relationships require a slight amount of give and take. It is up to you to decide whether the amount of conflict in the relationship is appropriate - if it is not appropriate, the best solution is to simply move on. Most guys on this board will give you the advice that every woman will give you "**** tests." This is not the case - there are cool, genuinely interesting women out there who do not play games. I've been in a relationship with one, and the only reason it ended was due to career circumstances - you should find yourself one of these relationships. Even still, there is some amount of give and take when it comes to conflict. The alternative is a cool, interesting girl who messes around with you to the point where you are routinely annoyed - this is not a conscious thing, simply part of the woman's personality. I've been in these relationships too, and they end horribly. I'm not sure where this woman fell on this continuum, but having read your story I am 90% sure she was on the wrong side of the scale.