Wasting my time?

[slaog]

Dating a girl for a few weeks now. She is in a relationship (long distance) but is looking to branch swing and we're a good match.

In all the dates there is chemistry and everything tells me she likes me. I don't mind taking things slowly and I know she likes me but I'm not becoming frustrated.

When we're togethar there is alot of touching etc and we have a laugh but nothing further. I'd be stroking her neck and then she'd put the brakes on when things get a little heated and when I'm doing nothing she starts touching me.

Yesterday I was more forward i.e play fighting with her, slapping her ass, pretending to throw her into a lake we were passing but still nothing more happened even though she was loving it.

She keeps mentioning (half jokingly) about us on holidays and us doing different things in the future and when I mentioned about meeting next week and she had a big smile on her and I've showed her I'm a hard to get man too so she doesn't have all the power.

I'm wondering is it time to let her know I'm getting impatient or should I just keep escalating things?? Should I let her know offically that I like her because she keeps asking indirectly. We both have other options too.

 

[slaog]

First of all, do NOT tell her you like her. And do NOT tell her you're becoming impatient with her. You will sabotage any progress you've made with either of these options.

If you like her, stay the course, and use actions, not words. And explore your other options.

Have you kissed her? You need to grab her and kiss her. Stay patient and be a man of action.

You're right.

No we have not kissed yet... havn't crossed that barrier. Maybe I should kiss her but when we were hugging goodbye for example I started to lean in and darted away smiling. I've yet to break her resistance but maybe next week.

 

[Chrispy]

It sounds to me you are on the right track. She's already having ideas of a future and having a plan. I'm not convinced how relevant the LDR she mentioned is...does it really exist? How often does she see him? Don't ask about any of this but if she mentions anything about it just keep a mental note and focus on having a good time, being fun with her and doing what you're doing (kino, taking action).

 

[mtnkng]

If she branch swings to you....what makes you different from the previous branches? Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Is this more effort required for something that is little more than a potential fling? If you are looking for a long term exclusive thing....you may want to consider looking elsewhere.

 

[jophil28]

I'm wondering is it time to let her know I'm getting impatient or should I just keep escalating things?? Should I let her know offically that I like her because she keeps asking indirectly. We both have other options too.

Frankly, whenever I have this feeling of impatience, I go against my gut and pull back instead. .That feeling of frustration comes from you wanting to go at a higher speed than she does. Women apply the brakes in the early stages and men push the gas pedal. Sometimes it feels like the whole deal is moving rapidly forward and then it comes screeching to a dead stop.
However, you need to avoid her sensing your impatience because she may read that as desperation on your part.
IF a woman wants to be with you, but "not yet ", she will provide some forward movements of her own if you slow down a little.
As I said in another post, if she is accepting your invites and no last minute rescheduling or flaking or making lame excuses - she is yours . Let her set the speed of forward motion while you provide the energy to push the whole deal forward.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Slaog,
If you haven't given her a kiss after a"couple of weeks" then I would do as Jophil says and pull back...It does sound to me as if she is a bit cold maybe even frigid...If she asks why you have backed away,just tell her you are looking for warmth and pashion in a relationship,and you feel she hasn't got that to offer,if she responds defensively just say well that's how you feel, I am not a monk perhaps I should move on...

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #3

Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait.

When a woman makes you wait for sex you are not her highest priority. Sexuality is spontaneous, chemical reaction between two parties, not a process of negotiation. It's sex first, then relationship, not the other way around. A woman who wants to ƒuck you will fly across the country, crawl under barbwire, climb in through your second story bedroom window, ƒuck you like a porn star and wait patiently inside your closet if your wife/GF comes home early from work - women who want to ƒuck will find a way to ƒuck. The girl who tells you she wants a relationship first or "just isn't comfortable with you yet" is the same girl who ƒucked the "totally hot guy" in the foam cannon party in Cancun with her girlfriends on spring break half an hour after meeting him.

If a girl is that into you she'll ƒuck regardless of ASD or having her friends in the room videotaping it at a frat party. All women can be sexual, you just have to be the right guy to bring it out in them, and this happens before you go back to her place. If you have to plead your case cuddling and spooning on the bed or getting the occasional peck on the cheek, you need to go back to square one and start fresh.


If you've been waiting around this long without a any real reciprocation of intimacy on her part you need to evaluate your own priorities. Everything you've described so far is emblematic of a Sniper Mentality. You're waiting around for that one perfect shot, trying to qualify yourself as boyfriend material, but there really is no real attraction on her part. Her behaviors tell you everything you need to know - she's conflicted right now. She's hoping her LDR will resolve itself, but until it does you're on hold, and this assumes you're not just an emotional tampon she holding onto for when the LDR dies.

Either way you're valueless to her. Your attentions, your sympathies, are too easily gotten and regardless of whether she does 'jump branch' to you she does so because her first priority didn't pan out. You're her alternate, and that will color any future relationship you have.

 

[PTC]

It's sex first, then relationship, not the other way around.

This is just not true. If you wanna end up with a BPD chick, then yes, take this route.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I'll respectfully disagree. There MUST be attraction before rapport. All the 'friendship' in the world wont put you any closer to genuine desire and genuine intimacy without attraction. Intersexual friendship is ALWAYS mitigated by sexuality. I understand your hesitancy with regards to a psychologically imbalanced woman, but this isn't exclusive to just BPD women. In other words, experience may have taught you that this is the case with the BPD woman you knew, but it's not to say it isn't true for healthy women as well.

Show me the guy who's built intimacy upon a 'friendship' and I'll show you a guy who's wife/GF firmly controls the frame of their LTR predicated on her terms and his own necessity.

 

[PTC]

I'm not saying there's not supposed to be a sexual attraction! That is just human nature and is normal. Believe me I have nothing wrong with that! I was referring to a girl having sex with you on the first date or the night you meet them. I just don't think that these type of women are LTR material. For plate spinning,..by all means

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Never EVER tell them how your feel, unless they mention it first. Especially before you've had sex. In this case especially you will be in the LJBF zone so fast your head will spin.

 

[slaog]

Thanks for all the replies.

Theres a little bit of trouble on the way I sense.

We had the date saturday and we usually chat on msn every second day or so. I saw that she was on MSN all day and night sunday. I didn't want to chat so didn't log in.

She was on again all night and I appeared online very late. She was happy to see me but the conversation was a bit flat on her part. Then I had to go out for a few minutes and told her to wait. I came back and she was still online but then went offline without saying anything.

So I don't think she's very happy with me. I might be frustrating her by pulling back a bit now because I never even send her a text message. She's usually in good form except for one other night.

Is it a good sign when they get emotional over little things?
Is it a test to see how I'll react?

 

[STR8UP]

I was referring to a girl having sex with you on the first date or the night you meet them. I just don't think that these type of women are LTR material. For plate spinning,..by all means

Almost all women HAVE had ONS and sex on the first date. By your logic 95% of the female population would be disqualified.

As long as you don't know about a woman's sordid past, you won't judge her, and she knows that.

So although she might not have sex with YOU on the first date, chances are she has done it before. How do you feel about that?

 

[PTC]

Almost all women HAVE had ONS and sex on the first date. By your logic 95% of the female population would be disqualified.

As long as you don't know about a woman's sordid past, you won't judge her, and she knows that.

So although she might not have sex with YOU on the first date, chances are she has done it before. How do you feel about that?

Maybe the women you have been with have had sex with you on the first date. Are you still with these 95%,...highly unlikely?

I'm not saying all women that have sex on the first date are not LTR material but like you say 95% are not! And where do you get your percentages from?? Of course you may have different standards than the other 35,000 members on this forum as to what you see as LTR material. But who knows and who cares.

And I don't really care about a womans sexual past whether I have sex with her on the first date or not. And I have had plenty that did give it up on the first date and my share of ones that didn't. The ones that did were alot less stable than the ones that didn't. Whether they have done it before,..why would I care?

 

[STR8UP]

Maybe the women you have been with have had sex with you on the first date. Are you still with these 95%,...highly unlikely?

I'm not saying all women that have sex on the first date are not LTR material but like you say 95% are not! And where do you get your percentages from?? Of course you may have different standards than the other 35,000 members on this forum as to what you see as LTR material. But who knows and who cares.

And I don't really care about a womans sexual past whether I have sex with her on the first date or not. And I have had plenty that did give it up on the first date and my share of ones that didn't. The ones that did were alot less stable than the ones that didn't. Whether they have done it before,..why would I care?

First of all almost ALL relationships "fail". How many women do most men date before they get married? Then once they DO get married, 50% of those will fail.

95% of ALL women aren't qualified for an LTR with me, regardless of when she sleeps with me or how soon she slept with her ex b/f or that guy she met at the club that one drunken night when she was single.

Where do I get my statistics that 95% of all women HAVE had ONS's? I pulled it out of my ass, based upon candid conversations I have had with women. I will trust an open conversation with a person with whom I have rapport over random surveys that are subject to a woman's honesty. If a woman TELLS me she's done this and that, chances are she isn't making it up, as opposed to an anonymous survey where women are VERY likely to lie.

So you don't care if a woman had HAD sex on the first date in the past, as long as it isn't with you?

 

[slaog]

Where do I get my statistics that 95% of all women HAVE had ONS's? I pulled it out of my ass, based upon candid conversations I have had with women. I will trust an open conversation with a person with whom I have rapport over random surveys that are subject to a woman's honesty. If a woman TELLS me she's done this and that, chances are she isn't making it up, as opposed to an anonymous survey where women are VERY likely to lie.

I don't believe 95% of women have had ONS. I think 95% of the type of women you date may have had but women have different standards depending where they're from.

The ones that did were alot less stable than the ones that didn't.

Yes thats true. They are easy and have lower standards than normal women.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #3

Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait.

When a woman makes you wait for sex you are not her highest priority. Sexuality is spontaneous, chemical reaction between two parties, not a process of negotiation. It's sex first, then relationship, not the other way around

I don't agree with that. Some women can control themselves and although they may want sex they know it's best not to rush it.

 

[PTC]

First of all almost ALL relationships "fail". How many women do most men date before they get married? Then once they DO get married, 50% of those will fail.

Well if you have the mindset to believe this then yes they will for you. Of course you may wanna be single the rest of your life and just spin plates. Me on the other hand would rather go into it with a "cautious" open mindset. I don't really care if I'm single or not. I already have my life long companion,..my daughter. So if a women makes her way into "our" life and shows maturity and has the same mindset then so be it. If not,..then oh well. Do 50% of marriages fail? Yes,...maybe even more. Its rare that you find a marriage that works these days. Of course my parents just celebrated their 57th anniversary this month and they are still in love,..or just able to put up with each other :crackup:

95% of ALL women aren't qualified for an LTR with me, regardless of when she sleeps with me or how soon she slept with her ex b/f or that guy she met at the club that one drunken night when she was single.

I have to agree with you on this one.

Where do I get my statistics that 95% of all women HAVE had ONS's? I pulled it out of my ass, based upon candid conversations I have had with women. I will trust an open conversation with a person with whom I have rapport over random surveys that are subject to a woman's honesty. If a woman TELLS me she's done this and that, chances are she isn't making it up, as opposed to an anonymous survey where women are VERY likely to lie.

So you don't care if a woman had HAD sex on the first date in the past, as long as it isn't with you?

No,..and why should you? Who cares what she did prior to meeting you! Of course if your dating skanks then it doesn't really matter cause you already know they're ho's. I guess it depends on why your on a date with her in the first place. But I would hope you would figure that out before you asked her out. Believe me I've dated my fair share of fvck-ups. But,...thats why I came here. An yes 95% or more of women have had ONS's but once again, how many of those developed into LTR? As far as random or anonymous surveys with women,..what is this cr ap? Your reading too much into this.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

PTC, every man wants a slut. He just wants her to be his slut.



ANDREW DICE CLAY: Hey, is that your chick there?

GUY IN THE AUDIENCE: Yeah!

DICE: Damn, she's pretty hot!

GUY: Yeah,..

DICE: You been together a while?

GUY: 2 years

DICE: Nice. So, she's faithful to you?

GUY: Oh yeah, of course.

DICE: She good in bed?

GUY: *nods head enthusiastically*

DICE: She suck a good d!ck?

GUY: (laughing) Oooh yeah,..

DICE: I suppose the next question would be, "How do you suppose she got that way?"

 

[PTC]

PTC, every man wants a slut. He just wants her to be his slut.



ANDREW DICE CLAY: Hey, is that your chick there?

GUY IN THE AUDIENCE: Yeah!

DICE: Damn, she's pretty hot!

GUY: Yeah,..

DICE: You been together a while?

GUY: 2 years

DICE: Nice. So, she's faithful to you?

GUY: Oh yeah, of course.

DICE: She good in bed?

GUY: *nods head enthusiastically*

DICE: She suck a good d!ck?

GUY: (laughing) Oooh yeah,..

DICE: I suppose the next question would be, "How do you suppose she got that way?"

:crackup: :crackup: so true.......

 

[slaog]

I get the feeling now that she isn't going to leave her BF so I'm wondering now how I should go about things..

She likes me but cannot leave him, should I keep escalating or just tell her we shouldn't date anymore?

I'm going to ask her straight out what she thinks and then tell her I like her (she still seems unsure if I like her or not) but I'm not going to date her anymore...

Should I LJBF her or what?