Was I wrong for this?

[DMSR76]

I'm big on self-assessment. Even when I think I've done the right thing, I'm game for constructive criticism. Just wanted to get a take or two on a recent incident...


This past weekend I was doing my usual Fall Saturday ritual of checking out a few games and relaxing a bit. Late that afternoon I got a call from a chick that has been an off-and-on FB for some three years now. She's a legit 9/10 who I would never trust enough to have a relationship with, but she happens to be a good lay. It is what it is. She wanted to know what I had planned for the evening, and wanted to hang out/ have a drink. I told her that I had plans to go to a sports bar to watch the USC-Ohio State game, but that she was welcome to stop by.

I watched the first half of the game at the bar and talked intermittently with by brother and my best friend who live in other states. Just your basic football banter, but it's something we do on some Saturdays when big games are on.

The chick showed up about halftime and we had drinks and appetizers. Everything seemed fine. My brother and my best friend (a fellow USC fan) called and we talked briefly (less than 3 mins in each case). I also exchanged a couple texts with both guys during key moments of the game. The chick got a little pissy and attempted to shame me in both instances. I've known her for quite a while and things have always been light between us; consequently, I've never known her to be serious during her rare 'tantrums'. Besides, she was texting people the whole time we were there (not unusual), and (as usual) I didn't care. She didn't watch the game at all... just texted and flirted with me and one of the waitresses (she switch hits). I told her about my Saturday ritual as an explanation for the phone calls. She persisted with the (assumed playful) pissyness. In meantime, she asked me to accompany her to a club after the game ended, and I agreed.

The game ended in dramatic fashion, and I walked to the bar to pay my tab. Predictably, my best friend called and we recapped the second half of the game (less than a five minute conversation). I ended the conversation while leaving the bar, all while catching major attitude from the chick. She said I was rude. I didn't disagree, and I apologized to her. She didn't accept the apology, but acted as though she still wanted to go out.

She trailed me to my place to freshen up a bit, and I attempted to touch and flirt with her like normal. She wasn't having it. At this point she was in major ***** mode. She still refused to acknowledge my apology, and she brought the situation to a head by remarking that I wouldn't "get any tonight" because of my rudeness. (WTF???)

Needless to say, this pissed me off royally. I didn't give a damn about the sex, but I was taken aback at the idea that she'd dare attempt a power move by attempting to control me with her *****. (She's always known me to be as no-nonsense and headstrong they come, and she knows my philosophy about gender roles and such.) I immediately grunted "fugg it then" and told her to leave. The look on her face was priceless. (Wisely without a word) she grabbed her purse and left.

It kinda sucks because this girl was one of a few non-platonic women that I'd actually gotten along with for an extended period of time. Was I wrong here? This account is exactly as it happened.

 

[DMSR76]

Thanks Sam.

All the while I was thinking "why am I apologizing to this woman?". I really didn't think it was a big deal, being that it wasn't a date, and being that we've never placed restrictions on one another before.

 

[scrouds]

Give a woman an inch and she reaches for a mile.

Doesn't matter how long you've known her, what you two have gone through.

She will always be looking for the power play. Always.

 

[realsmoothie]

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. She sounds like one of those girls you have to semi-placate with "I'm sorry's" at smaller times, but she decided to push her luck for some reason and it legitimately made you angry. Sounds to me like she's pushing for something more, maybe? An FB you've known for three years shouldn't be whining about talking to friends during a football game.

 

[scrouds]

DJs don't placate a whiny chick.

 

[Sinistar]

DJ's don't second guess either.

I know, I know you're calling this a self assessment. But you did what you did. It's done. You indicate that you have nothing emotionally invested (ie FB's). Why should it matter then? However, you invested the energy to post so that means something did matter?

My first impression (or should I say perception) boils down to what you write here:

Needless to say, this pissed me off royally. I didn't give a damn about the sex, but I was taken aback at the idea that she'd dare attempt a power move by attempting to control me with her *****.

You expected intimacy.

She knew this from previous time spent together. Unhealthy expectations get best of you every time. And just that one expectation in this case actually did give her the power because otherwise you wouldn't have been "p!ssed off royally". You did give a damn about the s3x, if you didn't her statement would have been irrelevant.

Run a quick test. Just imagine if you had needed to go to bed really early that night to be on a flight at 5:30am for something really fun or important. Your expectation would have been to go to bed early and possibly to have to nudge her out. Had she then responded with "you're not gettin any" you probably would have just smiled, laughed and said something C&F and pinched her arse good and hard as you pushed her out the door.

You want an opinion. You had an unhealthy expectation. You lost your cool and got angry. Add to that you know how women act, react, flake, test, manipulate, etc. But this time you let it get under your skin. From her point of view, she was expecting you to focus more attention on her before the jeans come off. She was just being a woman. Call 'em evil, call them devious, call them fascinating, call them whatever you want. She wanted/needed attention (security).

And as the others have said, as soon as she got b!tchy and whiny (and you didn't want to focus on her) you should have sent her off. That would have explicated that you don't sit around tolerating her attitude just in hope of getting some.

Now the irony. You'll hear from her again, maybe not soon but probably after she does another a guy or two. At least you didn't chump out at the end and beg for some. Better yet, at least you're not the guy who actually waited "for some three years now" to get some from a "legit 9/10". Those are the guys who really need the self assessment.

Re: apologizing.

she brought the situation to a head by remarking that I wouldn't "get any tonight" because of my rudeness.

In her mind, she's punishing you for not meeting her expectations. Definitely not a apology situation

 

[DMSR76]

Great post Sinistar. You nailed it with the statements about unhealthy expectations. I think I got drawn-in too deep on this one. I should've nipped things in the bud the moment she got out of hand during some previous interaction. There was certainly an action or signal on my part that empowered her to pull that stunt.

 

[jophil28]

Great post Sinistar. You nailed it with the statements about unhealthy expectations. I think I got drawn-in too deep on this one. I should've nipped things in the bud the moment she got out of hand during some previous interaction. There was certainly an action or signal on my part that empowered her to pull that stunt.

Probably, in her mind, she held the belief that because she called you to hang out (with the implied promise of sex afterwards) that you should have worshipped her royal presence from the minute she walked in the bar. THis is a classic example of a western woman's grossly bloated ego belief that she is doing you a favor by being with you and therefore you are obligated to show your deep gratitude by fawning over her and accomodating her every whim.

I have run up against this 'attitude' a few times. The trick is to withdraw your attention at the first sign of bad behavior by her BEFORE she gets to the point of pulling that popular female power play of telling you that her pvssy is locked for the evening.

When she started to get pissy because all you attention was not rewarding her for just showing up, you should have burned her THEN, "Honey, this is not how I want to spend the rest of the night so please go home . Maybe another time."

THen you turn away and chat to your buddies or watch the game..
She will either walk out in a huff, or totally back down with an apology.

 

[DMSR76]

I have run up against this 'attitude' a few times. The trick is to withdraw your attention at the first sign of bad behavior by her BEFORE she gets to the point of pulling that popular female power play of telling you that her pvssy is locked for the evening.

When she started to get pissy because all you attention was not rewarding her for just showing up, you should have burned her THEN, "Honey, this is not how I want to spend the rest of the night so please go home . Maybe another time."

THen you turn away and chat to your buddies or watch the game..
She will either walk out in a huff, or totally back down with an apology.

In hindsight, this is would've been a good way to handle the situation. In the future I won't allow things to escalate the way they did in this case.

We live and learn.