Was I too desperate, not persistent, or fine?

[thebigbounce12]

Firstly, I am mostly a novice at dating. I've done it but I'm mostly career oriented. I prefer serious monogamous relationships (laugh here).

Anyway, while I finished my graduate degree, I also worked a library where an attractive girl of the same ethnic background would walk around. Since I worked there a lot, I got her name but I never bothered doing anything (laugh here). Even more creepy, when I told my friend about it he used my facebook account to add her (without my consent). Weirdly, she accepted the request. After quitting the library and defending my thesis, I attended a talk which she also attends. I introduce myself. Throughout the whole talk, she can't get wireless, so I offer my tablet which she then proceeds to tweet the whole time. After the talk, she thanks me for letting her use my tablet. I said "no problem". I later see her again at the library where we chat and she thanks me again.... I repeat "no problem". I go home and she writes:

"I really appreciated your help with the tablet. Let me know when you're next at the library and I'll buy you coffee".

I am no expert on dating or women but that seems like an invitation to at least chat. Since she thanks me three times , I thought it kinda obvious but I could be wrong.

I reply with

"My pleasure, no problem [blah blah] . I am usually near campus on most days, let me know what days work for you. BTW, Should I get a twitter account? I might be missing out".

She doesn’t respond for about ten days – strange. I reply in about ten days as well because I was sick and kinda wanted to "play it cool". I try and book a date but she responds late the day of. I try to reschedule but she ignores my last message about meeting up.

I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality


When a cultural holiday comes up ( we are of the same background), I send her a season’s-greetings type of message. She ignores it. I am offended at this point. So when I see her at a talk, I just say Hi and ignore her. I don’t even make conversation.


Of course, the next day she messages me apologizing for the delay and her messages “get lost” – makes perfect sense..


I see her one time at a social event but I ignore her just saying Hi. Nevertheless, my oneitis is strong and she seems interesting so I decide to go on. I then see her frequently at the library. I get up the nerve to talk to her but I don’t pull the trigger for coffee. I finally get the balls and do it and she eagerly accepts. She offers her number but her friends stop me and say “just tweet her”. I do that and coffee goes great and “says thank you for the break” She’s honest but says something stupid “My friends kept saying we were flirting but I kept insisting we’re just friends” – strange. Anyway, at the end of the night I boldly ask for her number which she gives.


I don’t text immediately as I fall violently ill. I text in about 5 days saying I am ill asking how she’s doing. She makes conversation but ignores one of my 2 texts

I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality


I see her a week later at the library, and ask her to coffee again but this time she says “ I already have this one”… weird?

What did I do ? Was the gap in my texting enough to make her lose interest?


I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality



She’s clearly not playing ball but I decide to text her one more time for coffee. She immediately responds and I offer specific dates in the afternoon (I work mornings). She can’t commit as she’s “moving” and she’ll get back to me. In the meatime, her social media behavior is bizarre. She’s deactivating facebook. She’s locking/unlocking twitter. She’s changing her description, and mentioning her grad school acceptance in another city etc… She finally does get back to me and oddly offers a morning. I decline and suggest the afternoon of the same day and even the next week. She doesn’t reply at all.



I text her one more time explaining my job is in the mornings and I could not meet up that Thursday. She replies the same day apologizing for the delay and how she has a hectic week and that we can meet up some other week. She is clearly blowing me off.

I bump into her the day after she sends the text and I just say “hey” and walk along. She does likewise.

I am fairly sure it’s over. My questions are “was I too weak?” “did I slow play it?” “was she somewhat interested and lost it?; or was she never interested?” Part of the reason for the explicit detail for each text is because I have received multiple criticism. Some have said I shouldn’t blow off a girl the way I did by not showing up that Thursday morning. I personally think she purposefully picked that date knowing I couldn’t make it. I shouldn't have played it cool in the beginning.


I don’t know why but I need to know what I did so I can stop dwelling. I have major cognitive dissonance right now as there two signs. One idea points to she was slightly interested (and lost it) and the other points out to she never was.. It’s for my own benefit and my oneitis is going strong and have to wait it out.

Any thoughts welcome.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Aint regret worse than rejection? You didn't swing when the initial pitch was thrown and you pussed around over and over after that. She might have lost interest, she might have met someone who actually asked her on a date and has since had sex with her. You will never know for sure and at this point should use this as a lesson so you don't have to deal with regret a second time.

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

I'd say it's gone on too long now and she's lost interest.

You should have been more persistent in the early stages. You said you saw each other all the time at the library but not once you asked for her number? You should have asked in the beginning and used kino when you'd chat at the library.

How ill were you that you couldn't text for 5 days? Were you hospitalized? I understand not texting a girl all the time so she realized you have other options and aren't desperate, but when there isn't much attraction this doesn't work the woman just forgets. You have to speak to, text, call the woman a lot in the beginning to establish to her that you are interested in her, only then do you pull back to let her miss you.

Now I'd say you're just being desperate, you should give up and try to move on. This will either make her interested and then you may get a second chance, or you can both move on with your lives and meet new people.

Best of luck.

 

[JumpOff]

"I really appreciated your help with the tablet. Let me know when you're next at the library and I'll buy you coffee".

Interest was there at this point

I am no expert on dating or women but that seems like an invitation to at least chat. Since she thanks me three times , I thought it kinda obvious but I could be wrong.

I reply with

"My pleasure, no problem [blah blah] . I am usually near campus on most days, let me know what days work for you. BTW, Should I get a twitter account? I might be missing out".

Let me know what days work for you? DONT put the ball in her court, girls like to be lead. Next time, you give her the day, don't let her choose. Say something like, "I will be on campus Thursday, I will be at X at 8"

She doesn’t respond for about ten days – strange. I reply in about ten days as well because I was sick and kinda wanted to "play it cool". I try and book a date but she responds late the day of. I try to reschedule but she ignores my last message about meeting up.

Your're losing her....

I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality

Understandable


When a cultural holiday comes up ( we are of the same background), I send her a season’s-greetings type of message. She ignores it. I am offended at this point. So when I see her at a talk, I just say Hi and ignore her. I don’t even make conversation.

If a girl likes you, she WILL ALWAYS want to see you. Her ignoring you is a pretty good sign of a lack of interest


Of course, the next day she messages me apologizing for the delay and her messages “get lost” – makes perfect sense..

Her msg's "Get lost"..... I would be offended at this point


I see her one time at a social event but I ignore her just saying Hi. Nevertheless, my oneitis is strong and she seems interesting so I decide to go on. I then see her frequently at the library. I get up the nerve to talk to her but I don’t pull the trigger for coffee. I finally get the balls and do it and she eagerly accepts. She offers her number but her friends stop me and say “just tweet her”.

WHY DO YOU KEEP LISTENING TO YOUR FRIENDS?! TWEET her? When she gave you HER number for the specific reason to CALL. CALL her next time, even if she still accepted the invitation and dinner went great.


I do that and coffee goes great and “says thank you for the break” She’s honest but says something stupid “My friends kept saying we were flirting but I kept insisting we’re just friends” – strange.

"We're just friends" Sorry bud, it was game over at this point. Search this forum for the word "Friendzone" if you haven't already


Anyway, at the end of the night I boldly ask for her number which she gives.

So you boldly asked for her number, which she already tried to give you?!


I don’t text immediately as I fall violently ill. I text in about 5 days saying I am ill asking how she’s doing. She makes conversation but ignores one of my 2 texts


Text,text,text,text,text,text....... CALL HER next time. If she doesn't answer, leave a msg. If she doesn't call back, then move on.

I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality


WORSE friends ever. I wouldn't be surprised if they were secretly laughing behind your back during all of this

I see her a week later at the library, and ask her to coffee again but this time she says “ I already have this one”… weird?


"I already have this one" translation: "Why do you keep bothering me?"

What did I do ? Was the gap in my texting enough to make her lose interest?


I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality

She’s clearly not playing ball but I decide to text her one more time for coffee. She immediately responds and I offer specific dates in the afternoon (I work mornings). She can’t commit as she’s “moving” and she’ll get back to me. In the meatime, her social media behavior is bizarre. She’s deactivating facebook. She’s locking/unlocking twitter. She’s changing her description, and mentioning her grad school acceptance in another city etc… She finally does get back to me and oddly offers a morning. I decline and suggest the afternoon of the same day and even the next week. She doesn’t reply at all.



I text her one more time explaining my job is in the mornings and I could not meet up that Thursday. She replies the same day apologizing for the delay and how she has a hectic week and that we can meet up some other week. She is clearly blowing me off.

I bump into her the day after she sends the text and I just say “hey” and walk along. She does likewise.

I am fairly sure it’s over. My questions are “was I too weak?” “did I slow play it?” “was she somewhat interested and lost it?; or was she never interested?” Part of the reason for the explicit detail for each text is because I have received multiple criticism. Some have said I shouldn’t blow off a girl the way I did by not showing up that Thursday morning. I personally think she purposefully picked that date knowing I couldn’t make it. I shouldn't have played it cool in the beginning.


You had her in the beginning, but for some reason she lost interest rather quickly. Why??? It could be a number of things: 1) She found someone else 2) You never acted sexual towards her once, i.e. touched her, playfully joked about something sexual, etc. 3) You put her on too high of pedestal. Who's the real catch here, you or her?

I don’t know why but I need to know what I did so I can stop dwelling. I have major cognitive dissonance right now as there two signs. One idea points to she was slightly interested (and lost it) and the other points out to she never was.. It’s for my own benefit and my oneitis is going strong and have to wait it out.

Any thoughts welcome.


The fact that she showed interest in the first place is a plus. It should prove to yourself that you can, in fact, get girl's of her quality. Always spin other plates, let her see you with another girl. Next time, listen to yourself, not your friends, they aren't going to be ones fvcking her.

 

[LuisGarcia10]

My worry is that you're already this attached to a girl that you barely know!
You've been out for a coffee with her and spoken with her a few times, that's all. To be describing her as oneitis suggests to me that you rarely get dates, in which case you're probably coming off as quite desperate, nothing you can do about that really, because even if your friends hadn't given you horrible advice, and you had got somewhere with this girl, my opinion is that eventually your real character would have shone through, and she'd have probably dumped you. I know that's happened to me a couple times in the past. Sites like this are great for helping you with the early stages of dating, I'm guessing if you'd come on here for advice rather than listening to stupid advice, like tweeting her after she'd given you her a number, that you would have probably gotten somewhere. But eventually you'd have probably messed it up.
Nothing wrong with that though, just date more girls, make more mistakes, learn from them, eventually hopefully you'll get to the point where your natural behaviour is in line with what women text to positively.

For what it's worth, what I would have done is strike when the irons hot. When he initially suggested coffee, that was the que to ask for her number, she may have ignored you, but probably not, and if she had you'd have known where you stood early on and could have moved on.

In future just remember, the goal is to escalate. You go from having a girls Facebook, to having her number. Once you have her number do not bother contacting her on Facebook again, a phone is more personal than Facebook.

Always strike quickly, if she suggests coffee say something like "sure, sounds good, if you give me your number I'll see when's best and I'll let you know."

This isn't playing games, or trying to be cool, I'm sure you genuinely have other commitments, so just check what they are, then text/call her with a couple of options.

You're over thinking and over analysing something which is very simple. A girl asks you out, all you need to do is set up a date, and as others have said, I'd try to avoid "let me know when you're free" it puts the ball in her court, chances are she has other options, girls tend to like the guy to be proactive, she's already been more forward than a lot of girls are by asking you out in the first place, from here on I would always try to lead.

But try not to worry, you barely know her, she'll be insignificant within a week or two, and read some of the advice you've been given and implement whatever you think is best. Despite what some people wil try to tell you, there is no magic formula, all I, or anyone else can do, is tell you what has worked for me in the past, you'll probably find many people telling you similar things, in which case that is probably quite solid advice.

But the main lesson to learn here is, until you have, at the very least, had a few dates with a girl and made out heavily, preferably sex but not all girls give it up the quickly, do not get attached. I have had far more situations like this amount to nothing than Ive had sex, and no matter how good your game is this will often be the case. So just care......less. Ironically that one piece of advice will probably help you convert more of these situations into results.

 

[bigneil]

As LuisGarcia10 stated, you can't allow yourself to have oneitis that fast! If you do, you should go NC for your own well being.

You should last 2-3 months of having sex before you let yourself fall, and even then it's not a good idea to share your feelings because it seems that no matter what, when a woman knows you have strong feelings for her she will almost always lose some interest (which is probably what happened to the OP). The guys that broke her heart and who she still pines over probably never said those things so you no longer measure up when you get overly emotional.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Anyone else feel like they were reading The Last Samurai goes to the City too?

Yeah okay, well now that I said it, you guys will surely see it my way! haha







PIMP

 

[thebigbounce12]

Firstly, thank you for your advice. It was thorough and completely non-judgmental. I appreciate that, especially on a slightly player-oriented forum.

My worry is that you're already this attached to a girl that you barely know!
You've been out for a coffee with her and spoken with her a few times, that's all. To be describing her as oneitis suggests to me that you rarely get dates, in which case you're probably coming off as quite desperate, nothing you can do about that really, because even if your friends hadn't given you horrible advice, and you had got somewhere with this girl, my opinion is that eventually your real character would have shone through, and she'd have probably dumped you. I know that's happened to me a couple times in the past.

Yes, essentially I have not been in any long term relationships. I have had interest show in me by some women but I wasn't interested or I was extremely self-conscious. Dating is also really time consuming. Relationships take a lot of time and often it leads to nothing except emotional turmoil. On top of that, I have had health issues which have led to surgeries which make me extremely self-conscious and put dating aside until I knew I could handle it. In essence, I am like a high school kid, maybe worse.

Part of the reason I ask my friends is to completely avoid sounding desperate or doing stupid things due to my inexperience. I guess it didn't work here.


Why was I really into this girl without really knowing her?. After our initial encounter, I had no particular intention of asking her out. In fact, all I wanted to do was establish a small friendship, and then ask her to coffee down the road. When she offered coffee first, then I started to go nuts. There are several reasons.The bigger reasons are that I found her attractive, she's of the same ethnic background, and seemed intelligent. These are ideal characteristics for me as a spouse/long term GF. yes, it's sad but that's what i thought.

Sites like this are great for helping you with the early stages of dating, I'm guessing if you'd come on here for advice rather than listening to stupid advice, like tweeting her after she'd given you her a number, that you would have probably gotten somewhere. But eventually you'd have probably messed it up.

I actually didn't ask for her number as she offered it. Her friends were gigling like crazy and then they told me to tweet her to arrange for coffee. Once I got her number, I next contacted her through social media. I think you may have misunderstood this part.

Nothing wrong with that though, just date more girls, make more mistakes, learn from them, eventually hopefully you'll get to the point where your natural behaviour is in line with what women text to positively.

Hopefully. I am in my late twenties though so this will be an uphill battle.

For what it's worth, what I would have done is strike when the irons hot. When he initially suggested coffee, that was the que to ask for her number, she may have ignored you, but probably not, and if she had you'd have known where you stood early on and could have moved on.

Yeah, this was a point of contention for me. From the outside, it seems like this girl was extremely forward and one of the modern examples of direct women. In fact, after speaking to people who know her (judge me later for this), they said she is weird, and extremely shy.

In future just remember, the goal is to escalate. You go from having a girls Facebook, to having her number. Once you have her number do not bother contacting her on Facebook again, a phone is more personal than Facebook.

I am not quite comfortable asking for a girl's number over facebook but in person is better right? for my own future benefit?

Always strike quickly, if she suggests coffee say something like "sure, sounds good, if you give me your number I'll see when's best and I'll let you

This isn't playing games, or trying to be cool, I'm sure you genuinely have other commitments, so just check what they are, then text/call her with a couple of options.

Thanks. I like this option as it's considerate. However, I have been told to give dates and times.

You're over thinking and over analysing something which is very simple. A girl asks you out, all you need to do is set up a date, and as others have said, I'd try to avoid "let me know when you're free" it puts the ball in her court, chances are she has other options, girls tend to like the guy to be proactive, she's already been more forward than a lot of girls are by asking you out in the first place, from here on I would always try to lead.

Yes! I do this a lot even in my professional life. It's so bad that my former supervisor gave me the most intricate and analytical projects. I would rarely miss a detail.
Hoewver, in this case, I am not sure she meant a coffee date but more of a thank you.

But try not to worry, you barely know her, she'll be insignificant within a week or two, and read some of the advice you've been given and implement whatever you think is best. Despite what some people wil try to tell you, there is no magic formula, all I, or anyone else can do, is tell you what has worked for me in the past, you'll probably find many people telling you similar things, in which case that is probably quite solid advice.

This has more or less happened right now. I just can't quite make sense of her behavior , at least from my view. How does one go from getting a number and then being totally ignored. I guess people aren't as predictable as statistical patterns.

But the main lesson to learn here is, until you have, at the very least, had a few dates with a girl and made out heavily, preferably sex but not all girls give it up the quickly, do not get attached. I have had far more situations like this amount to nothing than Ive had sex, and no matter how good your game is this will often be the case. So just care......less. Ironically that one piece of advice will probably help you convert more of these situations into results.

I am really dreading this as emotional commitment is something I have always been overt and fully open about. I am a romantic at heart.

One last note, I ran into the chick another time completely by accident -- I swear it.


This was the extent of the convo

Me "hi, I keep running into you"

her "hey, "

I then said "how are you doing? "

She replied "good, i'm running late for a meeting. we'll catch up later'

I kinda smiled after that as she was more than happy to avoid me.


I have learned my lesson man. I won't listen to friends but i'll ask this forum on the latest piece of advice I've gotten . One friend suggested I text her in month or two to invite her to a group event such as Euro2012 final match. The other said I should straight up say "you're cute, let's hang out this weekend".

I don't think either will work, but I wanted to ask thoughts here

 

[thebigbounce12]

Anyone else feel like they were reading The Last Samurai goes to the City too?

Yeah okay, well now that I said it, you guys will surely see it my way! haha




PIMP

I don't get it.

 

[JD57]

You've got to fire when you have an opening. You just have to. And that's especially true once you've made some formal connection like facebooking or the like. If you can't fire, then it's better just to informally chat her a little when you see her and don't act like your interested - because that doesn't show lack of confidence. But once she indicates some interest to match your interest, you have to fire....to not fire at that point is fatal because it indicates lack of confidence.
I've made the mistake of not firing many times and still make it. If I'm not in the mood to fire, I avoid the position of having to fire. And it is always a fatal mistake unless the girl happens to be just crazy about you.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

I don't get it.

Exactly....

You managed to take a simple situation and over-analyze it to death (we are all guilty of this when we give a girl value based on her looks, without knowing her); aka putting the pu$$y on a pedestal.

My lame joke in my original response was intended to make you realize how dramatic and complicated you made this on yourself.

You are letting your friends dictate what you should and shouldn't do and that is just one sign of a clueless, yet desperate man..... being honest, not trying to be a d-ick.

In other words, you showed your hand too soon and she knew it. She is use to guys hitting on her and instead of standing out; you blended in. Hence the lame excuses and flakes on her part.

You had an opportunity, but you blew it; so move on and don't give this situation more attention than it deserves.






PIMP

 

[thebigbounce12]

I just wanted to thank everyone's advice in my thread. I actually took everyone's advice and just asked out some women I knew to coffee and some lunches. It wasn't as hard as I thought. It was kinda cool and now realize talking to women whom you barely know is very different. I suppose you have to avoid any deep controversial topics (politics, religion, science,etc..) anyway, I digress. It was quite fun in some ways

On a strange note, I ran into the girl at a talk and said Hi but didn't really make any conversation. I ran out since I was on the phone. She later texted asking my thoughts on the talk... is she being nice or should I just ignore?

 

[DonJuanabe]

"is she being nice or should I just ignore?"

The only thing that should matter at this point is that you do not care what she is thinking or feeling -- you should only care what you think/feel. If you are interested in her you wait a little while and get back to her. If you are not interested you don't get back to her. Do not concern yourself with whatever is potentially going on in her mind.

 

[thebigbounce12]

Thanks for the advice. So I texted back the same day and we exchanged texts. However, I asked a question on my last text and she has so far ignored it (2 days so far).

what just happened? Should I do something?