WANTING to call her out on her $hit, but...

[Fumbduck]

before I do, please read up and let me know how you'd respond, I feel like i'm getting played.

Background: Met a "great" girl last month and been out with her about 3 times. She always has a good time when she's with me, laughing, joking, and genuinely having a good time. We've made out several times, and she always asks to see me again. I like where things have been heading with her and I, it's been a while since I have been in a relationship and i'd like to have a girl to call my own.

Unfortunately this girl sends mixed signals very frequently. It could be part her personality, she IS standoffish, she IS reserved, and I know from her friends that she does NOT open up easily. I thought to myself, "ok it's just going to take a little work to get to know her, build that rapport before we get more physical". I was/am all for this, but the other night I heard through a mutual friend that she said "not looking for anything serious", and "recently been seeing her ex of 5 years", (broke up a year ago). RED FLAG, big red flag IMO.

We have been going out on dates, i'm putting time, effort, and money (action dates can get expensive) into this and feel like i'm wasting my time on someone who is damaged goods, hung up on the past. Some of you may be saying SCORE, sex with no strings attached, but I'm not into that kind of play. I'd rather hook up with a girl that I like and build a relationship with. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, play dumb, bang her and see what happens. After all "women are like monkeys, they swing from guy to guy and never let go of one branch before they have a solid grip on another. I just don't know what to make of this situation. Correct me if i'm wrong, but i see this as all NEGATIVE information.

 

[DrPhysique]

First of all, do not call her out on this. It will only bring a ton of negatives. If you do, she will no longer see you as a challenge and move on. She's showing disinterest, you can't show more interest. A girl friend of mine was going out with this guy last summer and he was a handsome guy. He was better looking than she was (hopefully you understand what I mean), but he made a mistake. She was willing to do anything for him, but after a while she decided to slow things down because she felt she was being used by him. Instead of not doing anything, he said, "okay, I understand why you're not interested in me so whatever". She said that was her plan. She caught him and no longer saw him as a challenge. When he started showing a bit more interest after that, she rejected him.

You also especially can't really saying anything to this girl to stop her from meeting her ex (that I can think of). Mainly because you guys aren't really serious and you can't use the trick where you make her realize she's being disrespectful towards you for hanging with that other man.

From the looks of it, if you want a serious relationship, this girl isn't the right one (not right now anyways). I'd stick around with her just for the fun of it until you meet another women that can actually have a serious relationship with you. Who knows, maybe this'll trigger your current women to try to take your relationship further in order to keep you.

 

[Konada]

Don't call her out on it, stick for as long as you can if you're into the whole FWB thing. This girl is definitely not relationship material and mantaining good terms with her may help with your future prospects, her girlfriends.

 

[Fumbduck]

Interesting point of view, and I agree; but it would make me feel better catching her and proving to her that i'm no chump. In my mind i've outlined two possible hypothetical conversations. "THE LIE", and "THE TRUTH". See below:

Scenario #1, THE LIE
ME: Hey how was the event the other day?
HER: Great had a lot of fun!
ME: Very nice, did you go with friends?
HER:Yeah, just a group of us girls
ME: ::CLICK:: (Liar, loss of all respect; cut ties)

Scenario #2, THE TRUTH
ME: Hey how was the event the other day?
HER: Great had a lot of fun!
ME: Very nice, did you go with friends?
HER: No, ugh had to go with my ex...
ME: Oh that sucks for you, I bet we could make things more interesting
HER: Yeah
ME: Been meaning to say, you seem kind of reserved when we hang out, not sure of the reason and frankly none of my concern, but i'm not looking for a serious relationship at the moment. As long as you understand where i'm coming from we can still hang out and have fun, i just want to be up front with my intentions.
HER: ANSWER UNKNOWN

My thinking is to beat her to the punch, when my mutual friend asked she responded with: "this conversation of (what we are) has not yet come up, but when it does she would say that she's not looking for anything at the moment". My thoughts are that if I beat her to the punch and say I'M not looking for anything serious, i'd regain some control and my allure. Plant the seed that I am also seeing and desired by other women. (which in reality is true)

Either way, tactfully calling her out like outlined in "THE TRUTH" convo above, or taking the original advice and acting like this is OK i'm cool with. Trying to think what the best move in this chess game should be, obviously the goal is to keep the girl around, AND interested.

First of all, do not call her out on this. It will only bring a ton of negatives. If you do, she will no longer see you as a challenge and move on. She's showing disinterest, you can't show more interest. A girl friend of mine was going out with this guy last summer and he was a handsome guy. He was better looking than she was (hopefully you understand what I mean), but he made a mistake. She was willing to do anything for him, but after a while she decided to slow things down because she felt she was being used by him. Instead of not doing anything, he said, "okay, I understand why you're not interested in me so whatever". She said that was her plan. She caught him and no longer saw him as a challenge. When he started showing a bit more interest after that, she rejected him.

You also especially can't really saying anything to this girl to stop her from meeting her ex (that I can think of). Mainly because you guys aren't really serious and you can't use the trick where you make her realize she's being disrespectful towards you for hanging with that other man.

From the looks of it, if you want a serious relationship, this girl isn't the right one (not right now anyways). I'd stick around with her just for the fun of it until you meet another women that can actually have a serious relationship with you. Who knows, maybe this'll trigger your current women to try to take your relationship further in order to keep you.

 

[pdx1138]

but it would make me feel better catching her and proving to her that i'm no chump.

That won't get you anywhere. Attempting to guilt a woman for wrongdoing is nearly impossible. (as much as I wish it could)

No, your best option is to ignore her now.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

before I do, please read up and let me know how you'd respond, I feel like i'm getting played.

If you have a gut instinct that you are being played, and you are not crazy.. There's usually a good chance that you are being played.

Background: Met a "great" girl last month and been out with her about 3 times. She always has a good time when she's with me, laughing, joking, and genuinely having a good time. We've made out several times, and she always asks to see me again. I like where things have been heading with her and I, it's been a while since I have been in a relationship and i'd like to have a girl to call my own.

It's not a bad thing to want a girl for a serious relationship, but you must make sure she meets your qualifications for a serious relationship in order for it to work.

Unfortunately this girl sends mixed signals very frequently. It could be part her personality, she IS standoffish, she IS reserved, and I know from her friends that she does NOT open up easily. I thought to myself, "ok it's just going to take a little work to get to know her, build that rapport before we get more physical". I was/am all for this, but the other night I heard through a mutual friend that she said "not looking for anything serious", and "recently been seeing her ex of 5 years", (broke up a year ago). RED FLAG, big red flag IMO.

Judging from your criticisms on this girls emotional state, she does not seem to meet your criteria for a serious relationship. If you are not looking for anything serious as well, then things might work out.

Usually women just use the "nothing serious" tactic so that they can play the field and look for more competent men while they have you on the side. You should do the same if you choose to continue with this woman.

We have been going out on dates, i'm putting time, effort, and money (action dates can get expensive) into this and feel like i'm wasting my time on someone who is damaged goods, hung up on the past.

If you realize you are wasting your time, then don't waste your time anymore. This is step one. :yes:

Some of you may be saying SCORE, sex with no strings attached, but I'm not into that kind of play. I'd rather hook up with a girl that I like and build a relationship with.

If you don't like NSA relationships, then don't do them. Plain and simple.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, play dumb, bang her and see what happens.

If you plan to do this, then do not expect any certain outcome. She could fall in love with you, she could never talk to you again. I don't suggest doing this because you are looking for a serious relationship and attachment may ensue leading to oneitis.

After all "women are like monkeys, they swing from guy to guy and never let go of one branch before they have a solid grip on another.

Yup! :yes: At least most of them anyways. You see, most dependent women need some sort of relationship to make them life feel good about themselves. It's a biological instinct of desiring a mate in order to produce offspring. Most men have no problems dumping a girl without any future woman in sight because we are the aggressors. We can go anywhere and pick up women, yes we may be criticized.. But who cares? We're men. We do what we want and don't give a rat's ass what any woman or mangina is going to think about it. A woman will not dump a man without a new "mr. right" because mr. right #34091 might not come around for a while!

I just don't know what to make of this situation. Correct me if i'm wrong, but i see this as all NEGATIVE information.

You do know what to make of this situation, but you refuse to see it because you are hoping that this girl comes around. We have all fallen victim to it multiple times. Hell, I did just two weeks ago. But that's the great thing about this board.. We have other posters analyze our relationship conditions from a purely logical standpoint rather than an emotional standpoint (such as the state you are in right now). Then you can take this information with a grain of salt or see the logic behind the other posters' ideas and make your decision from there.

Whatever you choose to do here, good luck man. Don't let chicks bring you down and keep on keepin' on!

 

[Iceberg]

Interesting point of view, and I agree; but it would make me feel better catching her and proving to her that i'm no chump. In my mind i've outlined two possible hypothetical conversations. "THE LIE", and "THE TRUTH". See below:

If your goal is to yell at this girl to make yourself feel better, then there's no point in asking for advice, right? You're not seeking a tangible benefit. Just a temporary emotional fix.

Scenario #1, THE LIE
ME: Hey how was the event the other day?
HER: Great had a lot of fun!
ME: Very nice, did you go with friends?
HER:Yeah, just a group of us girls
ME: ::CLICK:: (Liar, loss of all respect; cut ties)

Loss of all respect? You've been on 3 dates with her. You make it sound like she's cheating on you. Your d*ck hasn't even been inside her.

Let's say she doesn't want to tell you about another guy she might be dating...so what? People date. Going on a few dates with you isn't a solid reason for her to eliminate all her other options.

I hate to stick up for the female here, but it sounds like you're being way too emotional about this. You made out with her....so what.

Either way, tactfully calling her out like outlined in "THE TRUTH" convo above, or taking the original advice and acting like this is OK i'm cool with. Trying to think what the best move in this chess game should be, obviously the goal is to keep the girl around, AND interested.

I know that you like to think of yourself as being better than a sexual fling...but sex is the only chance you have of this girl taking you seriously. Right now you're just some guy she makes out with....high school stuff.

It's not a chess game. You've already wasted nearly a month not doing anything with this girl.

And really, the fact that you're so emotionally invested in a relationship where NOTHING has happened doesn't bode well for you.

 

[perseverance]

If this girl is single and hasn't hasn't exclusively gotten into a relationship with a man then she is free to date as many men as she wants to, she is single and there is nothing you can do about it. You calling her out on enjoying the single life will paint you out as someone with mental health issues. If she was your girlfriend and she was meeting up with exes on her lonesome and other male friends then I'd understand your gripes.

You have had three dates, that's nothing. She owes you nothing, it was you who has chosen to take her out, build her up into something she probably isn't and it is you who has put her on a pedestal after three dates. Perhaps you should take a leaf out of her book and spin some more plates yourself. You might meet someone better than this girl.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

If this girl is single and hasn't hasn't exclusively gotten into a relationship with a man then she is free to date as many men as she wants to, she is single and there is nothing you can do about it. You calling her out on enjoying the single life will paint you out as someone with mental health issues. If she was your girlfriend and she was meeting up with exes on her lonesome and other male friends then I'd understand your gripes.

You have had three dates, that's nothing. She owes you nothing, it was you who has chosen to take her out, build her up into something she probably isn't and it is you who has put her on a pedestal after three dates. Perhaps you should take a leaf out of her book and spin some more plates yourself. You might meet someone better than this girl.

Truth.

Being clingy and weird after 3 dates just proves that you're not dating enough women.

What are you gonna do? Yell at her like, "We've been on 3 dates!! I can't believe you're cheating on me!!!!"

 

[Fumbduck]

This is why I love this forum. Brutally honest advice

Ok, Ok, we've been on 3 dates i'm not going to call her out that she's still seeing her ex. I'm not going to guilt her into anything, and i'm certainly not going to chase her around and be that "weird guy". My problem is that this is an EX she is seeing, and when exes are involved they are at an advantage. There are feelings, a sense of comfort, and a history. Many girls I know have recently run back to their exes, I don't want to waste my time and have to have this one simply run back to this ex.

Let me clear something up, I have not expressed ANY of these concerns to the girl, and a "single" girl can date whoever she wants. My frame has remained suave, cool, and composed while with her, as well as when we speak on the phone and text. We joke, BS, and don't bring up any "serious" topics. She's single, i'm single, we're both having fun. I do have several other plates at the moment, and a few dates set up this weekend. But this girl is at the top of my list, and that has been screwing with my mind. She's never turned me down to chill, so i'm just going to roll with it...

Did I put this specific one on a pedestal; yes. Am I going out of my way to try and win her over; yes. Am I outcome dependent with this one; damnit yes I have been!! :nervous:

I appreciate you guys pointing out that although my actions remain composed, my mind would have eventually fcuked things up, making me look clingy and weird. Time to change that and re-frame!

If she's not ready to move on from an ex, that's really her problem, not mine. She's certainly going to be the one missing out! :rockon:

 

[perseverance]

Never be outcome dependent, why put unnecessary pressure on yourself? Dating is supposed to be fun, it cannot be fun for you if you're outcome dependent. Remember you are the prize, the guy she'd be lucky to get with, show off your good qualities, your fantastic qualities.

 

[garruk]

This is why I love this forum. Brutally honest advice

Ok, Ok, we've been on 3 dates i'm not going to call her out that she's still seeing her ex. I'm not going to guilt her into anything, and i'm certainly not going to chase her around and be that "weird guy". My problem is that this is an EX she is seeing, and when exes are involved they are at an advantage. There are feelings, a sense of comfort, and a history. Many girls I know have recently run back to their exes, I don't want to waste my time and have to have this one simply run back to this ex.

Let me clear something up, I have not expressed ANY of these concerns to the girl, and a "single" girl can date whoever she wants. My frame has remained suave, cool, and composed while with her, as well as when we speak on the phone and text. We joke, BS, and don't bring up any "serious" topics. She's single, i'm single, we're both having fun. I do have several other plates at the moment, and a few dates set up this weekend. But this girl is at the top of my list, and that has been screwing with my mind. She's never turned me down to chill, so i'm just going to roll with it...

Did I put this specific one on a pedestal; yes. Am I going out of my way to try and win her over; yes. Am I outcome dependent with this one; damnit yes I have been!! :nervous:

I appreciate you guys pointing out that although my actions remain composed, my mind would have eventually fcuked things up, making me look clingy and weird. Time to change that and re-frame!

If she's not ready to move on from an ex, that's really her problem, not mine. She's certainly going to be the one missing out! :rockon:

wow. last year, this pretty much defined my dating life. i got involved in 3 somewhat solid relationships in 2009-10, and all 3 had serious ex-bf issues like you described.

i was 23-24 at teh time and the girls were around my age as well. at that age, theyre all fresh college grads with ex college bfs.

these bfs were all chumps who post-college had no futures. the girls moved on... but the history they had made dating these girls infuriatingly difficult. the girls would hang out with their ex's who would always be trying to win them back (with typical afc manuevers). The girls obviously liked me infinitely more than these guys, but the persistence of these ex-bfs was annoying as heck. anyways, i cant offer much advice because these relationships ended up not working out for me, but i just wanted to let you know... i shared your pain and i know how annoying the whole thing is.



and to the poster who said that ex's always have an advantage (due to history, nostalgia, etc): truth!

 

[Jitterbug]

Chicks know that hanging out with their ex-BFs ain't cool, but unless they fear losing you (meaning they value you), they don't give a sh1t and will continue to get as much ex-BF attention as possible.

If you're not really into a girl you just started dating but keeping her around is better than nothing, and your ex-GF still hangs out with you to give you free sex whenever you want, would you take the deal?

 

[garruk]

Chicks know that hanging out with their ex-BFs ain't cool, but unless they fear losing you (meaning they value you), they don't give a sh1t and will continue to get as much ex-BF attention as possible.

If you're not really into a girl you just started dating but keeping her around is better than nothing, and your ex-GF still hangs out with you to give you free sex whenever you want, would you take the deal?

yeah this is exactly it. in the early stages of hte relatioship, the girl is still keeping the ex-bf around for attention and just in case you leave.

the problem is you pull too much: and she goes to teh ex-bf,
you push too much: and you come off being needy

 

[backbreaker]

what exactly has she done wrong? so what if she's going back to **** an ex she has known for 5 years. you have been on 3 dates. you are free to ****/date other woman as well


she obviously likes kicking with you, if that's all she wants to do, than that's all you do.


The only problem here, is that you seem hellbent on making her your GF when she has not proven to you at all that she wants to be exclusive and thinking she's a *****/bad person because she doesn't want to be exclusive. Do not give her anymore than she wants. if she wants to kick it/ have a good time, do that, and when she goes to **** her other man,k you go **** your other girl. the **** really isn't that complicated.

I dealt with this exact same situtiotn when I was 21, except it was a 6 year relationship, and she was 27 and I was 21. N ever showed her i was jealous (i wasn't i had other plates), i never raised a fit, i just kept doing my thing. she came around eventually and we dated for a year.

If she really is "great" she will weed herself out and stand out. If not, **** it.


this is so damn silly

 

[Fumbduck]

With this particular situation, she has done nothing wrong. I just didn't want to get into a situation where i'm investing myself in her just to have her run back to an EX. But this train of thought is completely wrong, which many guys have pointed out...

ME "investing" in HER before she has PROVED herself WORTHY of my attention and affection?!

As of those 3 dates she has not proven herself any more valuable than a stranger on the street. Someone said "you made out, big deal", in all honestly that's just it, we made out. But thats what originally made me put her on a pedestal...because she's a FANTASTIC kisser, girl's got HUGE lips! :yes:

I'm still talking to her, without a pedestal this time. More ****y, more sexual, and frankly not caring whether i lose touch with her or not. Funny thing, she has now been pursuing me