Ok , a little background.
I've been with my ex for 3 years , the last 1.5 of which we're long distance ,and we all know what happens down that road.
For me she had a great mixture of everything. Good looks , sexy attitude , *****y at times , great social skills and a good girl. Yeah,a *****y good girl. Very loyal , not the type to cheat around.
Anyway ,we had a great relationship but we kinda decided that this whole LD thing (we could see each other 1 weekend/month at most) sucked and that we should be having fun and living our lives rather than 'torturing' ourselves , and that if we are meant to be , we will be. (the last part is bull**** imo , I don't agree at all).
Ok,enough background.
So we broke up about 1 month ago and kept in touch a few days. Obviously a wrong move , I was swamped with exams and she was going out , posting pics on facebook , you know how it is.Later on I found out she already found a rebound.A total emotional tampon with which she is now in a relationship. Obviously did me 10x more harm than good , so I went NC after a few days. Been about 24+ days of NC , during which she contacted me a few times saying she loved me / missed me , blabla.
She was also saying that she's using said rebound as a free 'go to parties' card , considering her parents are a little in the head and she needs a guy in order to go anywhere.She had 'no feelings whatsoever , just fun" were her words. Whatever, I called bull**** on that. It was way to much of a mind **** , telling me that she loved me while with some other guy which she was just 'using'..I'm not saying it wasn't true but **** that,I don't need that kind of mind-**** in my head.
So anyway,here we are today.
The NC helped me out a lot since I'm not hurting all that much but god damnit do I miss her...I've been going out , meeting tons of people and girls , having great fun and all but at the end of the day...I'm still alone. I'm getting a damn BJ and I'm still feeling empty on the inside. **** yeah I'm enjoying it , but there's always this thought in my head.
"This is great...but is it better than my relationship with her ?"
And that's the problem...I can't answer that question sincerely. If I say "Yes" , I feel like I'm lying to myself. If I say "No" , I get the same feeling...
My life has improved quite greatly. I'm working a lot on my college assignments , hitting my workouts & diet religiously , going out with friends every chance I get (things I really neglected while with her). Everything seems to be going better except for the fact that I'm missing her more and more.
It's so stupid man , I hate my brain at times. I walk into a new venue I've never been in before and I find it awesome , at which point my genius brain goes "Damn , I'm sure R (my ex) would love it here". I swear this has happened more times than I'm proud of admitting. It's like I'm in a constant back and fourth battle with my own damn self.
To top that off , I even god damn dream about her at night ,again,way more than I'd like to. I actually think it happened about 10-15 times in the last month ... and that's just immensely ****ed up since my days starts totally wrong,as you can imagine.
Anyway, I've been with quite a few girls before her and she's the only one I truly liked from all standpoints.So I kinda speak from a place of abundance. Great things in life happen quite seldom and when they do I vowed to myself to always fight and go get them. I kinda feel like she's one of those great things and I feel like I'm making a huge mistake by not fighting for this. But then again , I realize my judgement is as clouded as it ever was , so I can't really 'trust myself'.
To be 100% honest ,I always had full control over my life and the majority of it's aspects. And even if I didn't , I at least had knowledge. I always knew what the best course of action was in any situation. Those particular traits where the foundation of my character. That's what fueled my confidence and allowed me to walk as a 'God between the mortals'. Now,however , I have no idea what will happen and if I'm making the right decision by letting her go. The constant self doubt and uncertainty ...all this overall absence of knowledge about what to do is very new to me and quite frankly , it scares the living **** outta me.
I want to free myself of this addiction that is my ex... I either want her back , or want her gone. I want to stop thinking / dreaming about her either by knowing she's mine or letting go.I understand the 'consequences' or trying to get her back and the risks it involves. I have no knowledge of the latter option though.Either way ,I want the void within gone.
I'm tired man...I tired of being afraid of getting blasted in my face by some pics of her and rebound when I open facebook (even tho I unfriend-ed her I can't do that with all my friends , with which she can be tagged - and has happened once or twice already - ). I'm tired of getting a mini-rush each time I get a text thinking it might be from her(this doesn't happen as often any more but still...) and most of all I'm tired of the dreams. I dreamt I was fcking her last night.It was all emotional and fuzzy and ****. You cannot imagine how bad that was for me. It's pretty much the whole reason I'm writing this post as it kinda wrecked me.
I rarely ask for advice / help from anyone , but my own self is completely clouded and unreliable at this time...so yeah , this is me asking for your help.
I'd say that I'm sorry for the long post but that would be a lie ^_^. Detail is important in order for good advice to be received.
I've been with my ex for 3 years , the last 1.5 of which we're long distance ,and we all know what happens down that road.
For me she had a great mixture of everything. Good looks , sexy attitude , *****y at times , great social skills and a good girl. Yeah,a *****y good girl. Very loyal , not the type to cheat around.
Anyway ,we had a great relationship but we kinda decided that this whole LD thing (we could see each other 1 weekend/month at most) sucked and that we should be having fun and living our lives rather than 'torturing' ourselves , and that if we are meant to be , we will be. (the last part is bull**** imo , I don't agree at all).
Ok,enough background.
So we broke up about 1 month ago and kept in touch a few days. Obviously a wrong move , I was swamped with exams and she was going out , posting pics on facebook , you know how it is.Later on I found out she already found a rebound.A total emotional tampon with which she is now in a relationship. Obviously did me 10x more harm than good , so I went NC after a few days. Been about 24+ days of NC , during which she contacted me a few times saying she loved me / missed me , blabla.
She was also saying that she's using said rebound as a free 'go to parties' card , considering her parents are a little in the head and she needs a guy in order to go anywhere.She had 'no feelings whatsoever , just fun" were her words. Whatever, I called bull**** on that. It was way to much of a mind **** , telling me that she loved me while with some other guy which she was just 'using'..I'm not saying it wasn't true but **** that,I don't need that kind of mind-**** in my head.
So anyway,here we are today.
The NC helped me out a lot since I'm not hurting all that much but god damnit do I miss her...I've been going out , meeting tons of people and girls , having great fun and all but at the end of the day...I'm still alone. I'm getting a damn BJ and I'm still feeling empty on the inside. **** yeah I'm enjoying it , but there's always this thought in my head.
"This is great...but is it better than my relationship with her ?"
And that's the problem...I can't answer that question sincerely. If I say "Yes" , I feel like I'm lying to myself. If I say "No" , I get the same feeling...
My life has improved quite greatly. I'm working a lot on my college assignments , hitting my workouts & diet religiously , going out with friends every chance I get (things I really neglected while with her). Everything seems to be going better except for the fact that I'm missing her more and more.
It's so stupid man , I hate my brain at times. I walk into a new venue I've never been in before and I find it awesome , at which point my genius brain goes "Damn , I'm sure R (my ex) would love it here". I swear this has happened more times than I'm proud of admitting. It's like I'm in a constant back and fourth battle with my own damn self.
To top that off , I even god damn dream about her at night ,again,way more than I'd like to. I actually think it happened about 10-15 times in the last month ... and that's just immensely ****ed up since my days starts totally wrong,as you can imagine.
Anyway, I've been with quite a few girls before her and she's the only one I truly liked from all standpoints.So I kinda speak from a place of abundance. Great things in life happen quite seldom and when they do I vowed to myself to always fight and go get them. I kinda feel like she's one of those great things and I feel like I'm making a huge mistake by not fighting for this. But then again , I realize my judgement is as clouded as it ever was , so I can't really 'trust myself'.
To be 100% honest ,I always had full control over my life and the majority of it's aspects. And even if I didn't , I at least had knowledge. I always knew what the best course of action was in any situation. Those particular traits where the foundation of my character. That's what fueled my confidence and allowed me to walk as a 'God between the mortals'. Now,however , I have no idea what will happen and if I'm making the right decision by letting her go. The constant self doubt and uncertainty ...all this overall absence of knowledge about what to do is very new to me and quite frankly , it scares the living **** outta me.
I want to free myself of this addiction that is my ex... I either want her back , or want her gone. I want to stop thinking / dreaming about her either by knowing she's mine or letting go.I understand the 'consequences' or trying to get her back and the risks it involves. I have no knowledge of the latter option though.Either way ,I want the void within gone.
I'm tired man...I tired of being afraid of getting blasted in my face by some pics of her and rebound when I open facebook (even tho I unfriend-ed her I can't do that with all my friends , with which she can be tagged - and has happened once or twice already - ). I'm tired of getting a mini-rush each time I get a text thinking it might be from her(this doesn't happen as often any more but still...) and most of all I'm tired of the dreams. I dreamt I was fcking her last night.It was all emotional and fuzzy and ****. You cannot imagine how bad that was for me. It's pretty much the whole reason I'm writing this post as it kinda wrecked me.
I rarely ask for advice / help from anyone , but my own self is completely clouded and unreliable at this time...so yeah , this is me asking for your help.
I'd say that I'm sorry for the long post but that would be a lie ^_^. Detail is important in order for good advice to be received.
.