very, very interesting story i want to share

[Zunder]

OK, a pill head.

Its a self esteem problem.

The important thing is Deshawn needs to be reminded by his buddies such as yourself that he is not the problem.IMHO now is not the time to be pointing out his DJ / AFC traits good or bad. The guy is recovering, let him recover.....let him in on all the DJ stuff at a later time - it will just bust his brain to bring all the DJ stuff onto him now.

Gentle coaxing should be more effective at this stage.

 

[backbreaker]

Yes I'm not beating him up over what he did wrong.

but at the same time, he is not helpless in the situtaiton. I told him not to get in a rehab relationship becuase they dont' work.

so while I am not pointing out flaws in his game or anything, I do want him to understand that he is going through what he is going though, becuase he took an action.


he's not an innocent victium, although the situtation is quite fvcked up. he would not be in it if he stayed out of that type of relationship

 

[jophil28]

Recovering women addicts are just plain trouble.

Firstly their whole social network and their family usually collude with them in their denial of their addiction. Women alcoholics rarely recover for several reasons - that is one of them. Nobody wants to believe that the hand that rocks the cradle could be a shaky alcoholic one.

Secondly, women in general rarely accept responsibility for their conditions, preferring to blame external factors in general, or a man in particular...
Step 1 is about admission of the problem and personal accountability and places the drinker squarely at the center of his/ her drinking. Unless this Step is firmly internalized, a 'bust' is inevitable. This is almost impossible for a woman who has been sheilded from reality her whole life by parents who were addicts themselves, or who endlessly made excuses for her behaviors.

BB, I always took the approach that those who were working the program and showed committment to their recovery were the ones to support.

 

[Vader]

There is some really good things in here.

A) Some women are just ****-up and should be avoided or atleast understand what your with.

B) I think women need something to help, do or fix in a relationship. At my older age I'm getting pretty self sufficeint. I have to think about letting them do x just to be part of a relationship. Deshawn can stand on his own to feet, even confident. Just taking him down a few spots....

C) Redheads are crazy.....sometimes that just works

 

[backbreaker]

we had a sit down yesterda and a really good talk.

he has a hell of alot of potential, but he wants what he wants when he wants it.

he wants to ft a square peg in a round hole and he even saw the arning signs in her.. oversleping instead o going to class... the standofishness, thingshe didnt' agree with, bt ignored beucase damnit she liked him and she was close enough.

he looked at my relationship with my GF and says why can't he have that. I told him beucas right now he is not confident enough to handle a woman who has high self esteem. it comes with time, building back up your self eteem, not just clean time but consitantly doing the right thing, learning how to accecpt yourself and be okay with you, learninghow to not depend on valdation from otherpeoe (you'd be supried how many things from here are in AA)

deshawn thinks he is a good person, but he subciously knows he's not "good enough" for a real ualtiy woman so he dumster dives, but he doesn't now he's doingit.

while lynn is a physically attractive woman, I didn't take 2 looks at her, onei'm in a relationship, 2 what the hell do I want with a woman who has nothing I don't want? she can't offer me anything beneifical that i ont' already have or can't get from somewhere else, and probably get it better.

dating a woman lke that is not about you, ti's about her ego. i told him man.. therewill be a tme 1-2 years from now wehre you are knee deep in quality ***** and you will be laughing at this situtation, but take some time, focus on you and nt women. build your life. lose that weightyou want olose. study the big book, keep going to meetings, build your relationship wit your highe power, build your support team, get better at your coding, etc.

women will come. he's just 25.

all she wanted to do is know the "most successful guy there" was into her, and when she got it, she went cold. it's sad to say bu she never was really into him.

there are clean women that are just as bad, it's just a life lesson.

 

[jophil28]

women will come. he's just 25.

all she wanted to do is know the "most successful guy there" was into her, and when she got it, she went cold. it's sad to say bu she never was really into him.

there are clean women that are just as bad, it's just a life lesson.

A person like her who has no quality recovery time logged is in no condition to make good choices.
You might want to also consider ( or research) the statistically corelationship between substance addiction and Cluster B disorders in women in particular.
Her behavior demonstates elements of NPD and HPD.

 

[backbreaker]

A person like her who has no quality recovery time logged is in no condition to make good choices.
You might want to also consider ( or research) the statistically corelationship between substance addiction and Cluster B disorders in women in particular.
Her behavior demonstates elements of NPD and HPD.

man you can't give me all those big ass words with no links or nothin. i'm from little rock man lol

 

[Warrior74]

its pretty much a given that two addicts can't date. one will always get weak and pull the other one down.

 

[backbreaker]

i would not say 2 addicts cannot date.

2 newly recovered addicts should not date

but recovering addicts with a significant amount of clean time do make decent relationships.

i would even ventur eto say that if something happened to me and my GF my next venture would be someone int he program.

man how many women are going to understand you and believe you when you get a call in the middle of the night and some guy is calling the dope man and hanging up the phone and you have to rush over the guys house to make sure he doesnt' do anhthing stupid? I've had "normal" girls int he past stop talking to me beucase they knew I was up to no good.

or going to meetings everyday "why can't you spend more time with me, you havne't done drugs in almost 5 years"

or why do you keep bringing these "addicts" to your house around me? they are sick people

"normal" women don't get it for the most part, normal people dont' get it, ihave very very special woman who puts up with it.

about 3 weeks ago my sponsee was about yay close to ****ing up when he came ina nd found out his roommae was ****ing his ex GF and his room mate made sure he saw her panties on the bed, so I told him to crash at my house for a couple of days, and my GF and I had actually some pretty special plans. Not only did she not have a problem canceling, she was more gung ho about him coming over than I was. I have a good one who understands whyI do what I do, but most people have no clue when you entter a LTR and can't /won't put up with it.



but i wouldn't ever think about dating a girl without at thevery least a year to a year and a half clean and even that's really pushing it.

 

[backbreaker]

she's definatly trying to throw it in his face.

there is another new guy there, and deshawn works on his laptop in the living room there and she will comeand sit on the couch with the new guy and fill him up all in front of him. he catches her glancing at him like to make sure he's looking.

i told him man... if you can deal with this **** you are going to be hell on wheels a year from now when it comes to women. this **** is doing nothing but making you stronger and you are learning something about the opposite sex.

I am talking to him as a man right now and not as an addict, and I told him man look...the best thing you can do is live well. don't think about now, dont' think about a year from now when you are working on 2 years clean, have your own place, your own car, own apartment, women looking at you left and right... God bless the girl but at the rate she is going do you think she will be where you will be 2 years from now? is that someone you honestly want to be assoaited with? set your standards higher.

he seems to be over her and knows he made a mistake, and is handling it suprisingy well, but still, i tell him to talk to me about it beucase i don't really want him trying to stuff it in at the point he is in.