Vent

[bittersweet]

So I drink to much, much less than I did 3 months ago. I was on anti depressants, abusing benzos and alcohol. I was really not myself. I had a nice girlfriend ( nice girl syndrome) and i lost control of the beast. Drinking a lot, doing drugs, being an *******. Then I would apologize. and repeat. She left because I was out of control, and not going any where. I feel guilt about some of my actions. This girl actually kinda white knighted me, I was in a rough spot before her. She shared everything with me, spent more money on the relationship. some times I feel like a piece of ****. I dont really miss her per say, but i feel like I caused her a lot of pain. things switched after she left. I begged, it was terrible. I feel like I didnt really care that much when I was with her. Why do I care now. How do I stop. I dont want to feel anything more about the past any longer. I got a bit obsessed also. Never stalked or anything. I think it has to do with my substance abuse issue.

 

[Fly By Night]

Okay, for one you need to focus on cutting out the abusive substances. Like almost completely. To a point that you can drink with complete control over yourself. This is extremely important because even if you get her back in your life, if you don't change your drinking/drug problem, the same sh!t is just going to happen again. You are trying to make your life better but you are trying to fix the wrong issue.

Before you try to prove to her that you've "changed", you need to actually change.

 

[bittersweet]

Okay, for one you need to focus on cutting out the abusive substances. Like almost completely. To a point that you can drink with complete control over yourself. This is extremely important because even if you get her back in your life, if you don't change your drinking/drug problem, the same sh!t is just going to happen again. You are trying to make your life better but you are trying to fix the wrong issue.

Before you try to prove to her that you've "changed", you need to actually change.

Oh I think its to late now. I lost it man after the break up. zero control. I fell real hard into drinking, I was pathetic, and angry. I've come a long way. I give myself credit for that, but I still have a long way to go. It took me a few years to get where i was, it will take a bit to fix it. Im unhappy. But Its like, i thought she would fill a void I had, and she did for a while. I didnt understand about the internal and external ideals. I was inexperianced.

 

[bittersweet]

She was so good to me. I feel like it would be easier if I was a nice guy, that got cheated on and dumped. But I am at fault 100%. fml. I gamed way to hard, and stop caring, and became a ****.