Using me for attention - how to make it stop?

[The LadyKiller]

It took me awhile to discover this, but practically every girl I know simply only talks to me for attention. I've been in a dry spell as of late and now I'm starting to see one of the issues.

Some examples of what I mean (with HBs I know):
- HB's will talk to me, but most of the time, I have to initiate it. If not, no interaction happens. When the conversation/interaction, she won't initiate it the next time. I'm asking a lot more questions about her than she'll ask about me.
- On some occasions, the HB will initiate. They'll be sweet and charming. The problem is, they're always looking for me to do something for them. They think I'll do whatever they ask. I'm not pushover, so if it's not something that's unfair to me, I'm not doing it. They try to make me feel guilty. It doesn't work.
- If I'm talking to a HB and we seem to be getting along well, I'll make a move. But once it's time to make specific plans or meet up, they go AWOL and I won't hear from them.
- A couple of times, I have made playful bets with HB's who I know, loser buys the winner a drink. HB agrees. But similar to the meet-up, they always flake on it, win or lose. Always.

I know that we all experience difficulties like this. But in my case, it's been happening all the time. Because I'm outgoing and talkative, I can see how I'd fall into traps like this. Because I'm not tall (5'7"), maybe the HBs don't take me seriously, even though I'm built like a wrestler/running back (my friends joke that I'm on the roids). It's as if the girls think I'm overcompensating for something, when I'm not.

The basic question is, how do I get the HB's to take me more seriously, and is it something I can control? If I act stern/put my foot down, the HB will probably play innocent or get angry and leave. These HB's don't even LJBF me, they're acquaintances at best. My friends aren't DJ's, but none of them experience these issues. I don't act like a clown, but there has to be a way to establish the tone and still be a fun guy at the same time.

 

[mv.89]

I hope they aren't flaking cuz you tell them your username lol jk

Ask yourself
Are you being too open ?
Do they already think they know everything about you hence what's the point of meeting ?
Do you think you'd boring in person ?
Try being mysterious as in don't answer everything they ask, rather answer a question with a question.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Also, find girls who actually think you're attractive, these girls all have low il from the start. Chasing is normal but chasing to where youre pulling teeth goes against anti-dump and is not normal.

That's the thing. The HBs act interested because they want the attention. HBs also think, because of the attention, I'll do any favor they ask (even ones that don't benefit me in any way). What a "shock" it must be when I say no! Of course, their low IL is revealed when, in addition to a lack of initiating, the HBs permanently drop me the moment I don't give in to their silly requests. Because I have to see some of these HBs frequently, their actions serve no purpose.

Ask yourself
Are you being too open ?
Do they already think they know everything about you hence what's the point of meeting ?
Do you think you'd boring in person ?
Try being mysterious as in don't answer everything they ask, rather answer a question with a question.

I don't know if I'm too "open," but they're getting the real me 100% of the time. No acting, no shenanigans. Although I'm talkative - and this goes back to the original post - the HBs don't ask questions, so they can't know everything about me! I feel I do a good job of asking HBs questions about themselves, but they don't ask in return. Do I think I'm boring? No, however I have a habit of becoming more conservative when out of my comfort zone (I take less risks). Once I get to know someone, I let loose more.

I'll keep the advice in mind. I'm hoping I find a girl who doesn't only want attention soon.

 

[floydb25]

Sounds like you're putting yourself in these positions, and they're picking up on your desperation (see: sucker) vibes. They probably figure you're of an approval-seeking / need to be liked nature, and they're using it to their advantage. Remember: everyone likes the attention, and to be desired. Some of the players and manipulators WILL tease you with false hope and string you along to their benefit.

Don't keep initiating every time, and showing interest. After you initiate - they should be coming to you, and showing interest once you get the ball rolling.

It sounds like low interest, more than anything. A girl who is interested WILL initiate after you do the first time, and want to get to know you, then start flirting, etc after a short time to signal her interest. It's that simple and easy.

A girl who isn't interested won't initiate or flirt or care. But she'll accept you initiating with, and showing interest in her. As well as trying to use you for favors - while knowing you're interested. It will feel more like work - with no reward in sight.

Even beyond that, you gotta hold back, let them come to you, play the game, display strong value, etc. Don't just keep initiating over and over again, and making it all about them; asking them personal questions, showing interest, etc. They will accept (and expect) this kind of attention and favoritism. Don't try so hard, and show so much interest in getting to know them / wanting to be around them. They'll pick up on your over-eager vibes, and either lose interest, or use your interest against you. If you're always there, and getting to know them - there's no anticipation or curiosity.

It should be mutual, back and forth. You initiate, they initiate. You ask questions, they ask questions (and flirt, touch, etc). Don't be doing all the work - while they sit back, act like ****s, and use you for attention and favors. Do NOT put yourself in these positions, or waste time on low interest girls.

It can't be stressed enough that girls with high interest and a strong physical attraction towards you do NOT act this way. Everything you are doing to them - they will be doing to you. If not even more flirting, sexual talk, eyes lit up, smiles across their face, etc.

Been on both sides before... the differences are huge. You know when someone is interested vs wanting to be friends or use you for attention. Even with the serial flirts, ****-teases, and AW's - their actions are clear as day.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Sounds like you're putting yourself in these positions, and they're picking up on your desperation (see: sucker) vibes. They probably figure you're of an approval-seeking / need to be liked nature, and they're using it to their advantage. Remember: everyone likes the attention, and to be desired. Some of the players and manipulators WILL tease you with false hope and string you along to their benefit.

Don't keep initiating every time, and showing interest. After you initiate - they should be coming to you, and showing interest once you get the ball rolling.

It sounds like low interest, more than anything. A girl who is interested WILL initiate after you do the first time, and want to get to know you, then start flirting, etc after a short time to signal her interest. It's that simple and easy.

A girl who isn't interested won't initiate or flirt or care. But she'll accept you initiating with, and showing interest in her. As well as trying to use you for favors - while knowing you're interested. It will feel more like work - with no reward in sight.

Even beyond that, you gotta hold back, let them come to you, play the game, display strong value, etc. Don't just keep initiating over and over again, and making it all about them; asking them personal questions, showing interest, etc. They will accept (and expect) this kind of attention and favoritism. Don't try so hard, and show so much interest in getting to know them / wanting to be around them. They'll pick up on your over-eager vibes, and either lose interest, or use your interest against you. If you're always there, and getting to know them - there's no anticipation or curiosity.

It should be mutual, back and forth. You initiate, they initiate. You ask questions, they ask questions (and flirt, touch, etc). Don't be doing all the work - while they sit back, act like ****s, and use you for attention and favors. Do NOT put yourself in these positions, or waste time on low interest girls.

It can't be stressed enough that girls with high interest and a strong physical attraction towards you do NOT act this way. Everything you are doing to them - they will be doing to you. If not even more flirting, sexual talk, eyes lit up, smiles across their face, etc.

Been on both sides before... the differences are huge. You know when someone is interested vs wanting to be friends or use you for attention. Even with the serial flirts, ****-teases, and AW's - their actions are clear as day.

Appreciate it FloydB25. Though the HBs aren't getting favors from me - they usually turn into b*tches when I refuse, they think I'd "automatically" say yes - I need to make them come to me.

I'm naturally an impatient person, so if nothing is progressing, I drop into the habit of trying to make something happen, which doesn't really work.

So, I need to make the HBs come to me. If they don't reciprocate or initiate, there's little (or no) interest. Because I'm in a dry spell filled with flaking and attention-wh*ring, compounded by my friends having no issues in this department, I feel it's made me impatient.

 

[Megaman XIV]

Women who are interested in you won't confuse you!

 

[Dusoa]

Women who are interested in you won't confuse you!

Dude, with all due respect, ALL WOMEN will confuse a man at some point. Half the time their own thought process doesn't even make sense to themselves, this is why it's often said men act on logic and women act on feeling.

As to the OP, I'm kinda there myself right now. I've got something going but it just feels like if I stop initiating or putting in the work it would just go away. The weird thing is, when we are together everything is cool, and she's flirty, and touchy, and laughs a lot. Dates over, and it's all on me to make it happen again. And if it makes you feel any better, it's definitely not the first time it's happened to me. So you're not the only one. Also, I'm pretty tall, so maybe that can help you rule out height as a reason, because it has yet to help me in this area.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Dude, with all due respect, ALL WOMEN will confuse a man at some point. Half the time their own thought process doesn't even make sense to themselves, this is why it's often said men act on logic and women act on feeling.

As to the OP, I'm kinda there myself right now. I've got something going but it just feels like if I stop initiating or putting in the work it would just go away. The weird thing is, when we are together everything is cool, and she's flirty, and touchy, and laughs a lot. Dates over, and it's all on me to make it happen again. And if it makes you feel any better, it's definitely not the first time it's happened to me. So you're not the only one. Also, I'm pretty tall, so maybe that can help you rule out height as a reason, because it has yet to help me in this area.

Dusoa, I can certainly relate. I still feel that despite my physique, my height plays a part, but maybe not as much so I thought.

A situation that relates to my OP took place this week (actually inspired part the thread). I was talking to a HB8 and we made a playful bet - loser buys the winner a drink at the coffee shop located at our work. I won the bet and we agreed on a meetup time. That time rolls around and she doesn't show up. I was annoyed, to say the least. This has happened with other HBs before, and they never show in the end. Never.

When I texted her what's up, she said she got thrown onto an emergency work assignment and would make a "rain check." I said ok and acted rather calmly, but was really thinking, "Yeah sure you will (next)." Two days later, we ran into each other. She gave me a detailed and well-stated apology/explanation for her absence, then suggested we go and get the coffee right then. So we did, it went well, and that was that.

Despite her nice gesture, I feel the only reason this happened is because we ran into each other and thought she'd lose my attention otherwise. But that's only a guess, I wouldn't know for sure.

 

[Hydrak]

Stop *****ing about your height. People can smell from a mile away if a short guy has a napoleon complex, and it's really unattractive. There's plenty of short guys (5'10<) who are successful with girls, simply because they don't let something as irrelevant as height get in their way.
Just be comfortable in yourself, you can't help being short and if you feel you are 'discriminated' because of it, then wear lifters in your shoes and claim you are taller than you are.