Update on #1 plate who shows no initiative

[TheCWord]

I posted about this recently, and it's been going on for a while.

Whether you're new to this story or a returning customer, let me preface this by saying I'm not interested in just spinning plates forever and ever and only using women for sex and procreation. I'm more than happy to do the LTR dance with the right chick, but right now this chick might be on her way out...

Dating since the summer, see each other once a week, all based on my making plans via text. She responds quickly and enthusiastically and we have fun dates with crazy sex and sleepovers. Between those dates, though, nothing.

I feel this girl is way more GF material than my other plate who is actually asking for an LTR, yet I can't get her to send a text just to check in let alone make plans herself.

After another fun date that included the usual amount of wild sex and affection, I decided to not initiate and now it's been two weeks since I've heard from her. No merry xmas. No happy new years. Pretty crazy and disrespectful when you consider the dynamics of our relationship in person - she was out with me and a friend the other week and was holding my hand the entire time, offering to pay for the meal, etc.

Every once and a while I'll latch on to a piece of advice, like from Greasy Pig in this other thread, where I'll think, hey, maybe some girls just vehemently believe it is up to the guy to initiate always. Maybe she believes that a guy is supposed to initiate the LTR. But, come on, even if that's true - does that mean not dropping me a quick text over the holidays?

With plate #2 getting pissy about being in an LTR and plate #1 seemingly not at all wondering where I am, this is a frustrating time. At this point, I'm convinced that if I never talk to to this girl again then I'll never hear from her. I started off being of strong mind about that... but now that it's been two weeks I'm doing that rationalizing away bad behavior thing: maybe she thinks I was just using her, maybe she's wondering why I never talked about being exclusive, maybe she's wondering why I didn't text her over the holidays, etc. Basically, I'm worried that I'm the one blowing a good thing.

I know this is stupid, because everything I've learned on here has taught me that a girl who is interested will act interested - i.e. after all these months she probably wouldn't just let me disappear unless that's what she wanted. Still, it's always hard to know on here when the advice is coming from a jaded albeit highly repped person on here or someone who has had stable, successful relationships.

Opinions?

P.S. Just found this older post of mine. Why can't I take my own advice

 

[DarkDetective50]

Maybe you are dealing with a red pill woman who is, like you, only interested in spinning plates. Perhaps she doesn't want a relationship besides a quick f*ck every now and then. Maybe she has a boyfriend and you're someone on the side. Who knows? I always believe in only acting towards the girls who actually show interest in you. Like you said in your other thread, an interested girl will act interested.

 

[:-)]

Maybe she believes that a guy is supposed to initiate the LTR. But, come on, even if that's true - does that mean not dropping me a quick text over the holidays?

it's a double edged sword though, this red pill business. who's to say she's not thinking the exact same thing?

 

[TheException]

I posted about this recently, and it's been going on for a while.

Whether you're new to this story or a returning customer, let me preface this by saying I'm not interested in just spinning plates forever and ever and only using women for sex and procreation. I'm more than happy to do the LTR dance with the right chick, but right now this chick might be on her way out...

Dating since the summer, see each other once a week, all based on my making plans via text. She responds quickly and enthusiastically and we have fun dates with crazy sex and sleepovers. Between those dates, though, nothing.

I feel this girl is way more GF material than my other plate who is actually asking for an LTR, yet I can't get her to send a text just to check in let alone make plans herself.

After another fun date that included the usual amount of wild sex and affection, I decided to not initiate and now it's been two weeks since I've heard from her. No merry xmas. No happy new years. Pretty crazy and disrespectful when you consider the dynamics of our relationship in person - she was out with me and a friend the other week and was holding my hand the entire time, offering to pay for the meal, etc.

Every once and a while I'll latch on to a piece of advice, like from Greasy Pig in this other thread, where I'll think, hey, maybe some girls just vehemently believe it is up to the guy to initiate always. Maybe she believes that a guy is supposed to initiate the LTR. But, come on, even if that's true - does that mean not dropping me a quick text over the holidays?

With plate #2 getting pissy about being in an LTR and plate #1 seemingly not at all wondering where I am, this is a frustrating time. At this point, I'm convinced that if I never talk to to this girl again then I'll never hear from her. I started off being of strong mind about that... but now that it's been two weeks I'm doing that rationalizing away bad behavior thing: maybe she thinks I was just using her, maybe she's wondering why I never talked about being exclusive, maybe she's wondering why I didn't text her over the holidays, etc. Basically, I'm worried that I'm the one blowing a good thing.

I know this is stupid, because everything I've learned on here has taught me that a girl who is interested will act interested - i.e. after all these months she probably wouldn't just let me disappear unless that's what she wanted. Still, it's always hard to know on here when the advice is coming from a jaded albeit highly repped person on here or someone who has had stable, successful relationships.

Opinions?

P.S. Just found this older post of mine. Why can't I take my own advice

I used to buy into the whole "maybe she believes the guy should make the plans" thing for a bit. But now experience has taught me otherwise. The girls with the highest interest barely leave me alone. They literally wont go a day without sending me a text.

You have a good thing going with her and to me it sounds like the only reason you are upset about the situation is because you WANT a LTR with her. Remember....thats not your job. You need to adjust the attitude and think what you have to complain about. Nothing thats what. You enjoy your time with her and have sex. I understand that feeling of wanting a girlfriend but trust me.....it reverses when you get a girlfriend. Youll want to be able to bang every hott chick you see. I have just come to the realization that a man will never be 100% happy either single or in a LTR. You just understand the positives of both and live with it.

That being said....you cant push for a LTR. It fails every time. You just have to learn to accept what it is. You two are just two people that hook up. Nothing more. Dont think about the "what if's"....they are a waste of time and energy. Just continue to make plans and bang the he11 out of her.

Easier said than done.....I know.

 

[TheCWord]

Maybe you are dealing with a red pill woman who is, like you, only interested in spinning plates. Perhaps she doesn't want a relationship besides a quick f*ck every now and then. Maybe she has a boyfriend and you're someone on the side. Who knows? I always believe in only acting towards the girls who actually show interest in you. Like you said in your other thread, an interested girl will act interested.

*fist bump and bro-hug*

Thanks man. I know these words to be true, I just can't seem to stop making excuses for the ones that get all up in my kitchen.

I used to buy into the whole "maybe she believes the guy should make the plans" thing for a bit. But now experience has taught me otherwise. The girls with the highest interest barely leave me alone. They literally wont go a day without sending me a text.

You have a good thing going with her and to me it sounds like the only reason you are upset about the situation is because you WANT a LTR with her. Remember....thats not your job. You need to adjust the attitude and think what you have to complain about. Nothing thats what. You enjoy your time with her and have sex. I understand that feeling of wanting a girlfriend but trust me.....it reverses when you get a girlfriend. Youll want to be able to bang every hott chick you see. I have just come to the realization that a man will never be 100% happy either single or in a LTR. You just understand the positives of both and live with it.

That being said....you cant push for a LTR. It fails every time. You just have to learn to accept what it is. You two are just two people that hook up. Nothing more. Dont think about the "what if's"....they are a waste of time and energy. Just continue to make plans and bang the he11 out of her.

Easier said than done.....I know.

Would it be weird to just pick up where we left off after I deliberately ignored her over the holidays, just as she did to me?

Right now I've walked away and her hamster is probably spinning. If I never go back, I'll be bummed out about the result but will be proud of myself for being willing to walk away from a sub-optimal situation. If I do go back, I've told her that her disrespectful behavior is okay (she'll know that even if it takes weeks, I'll come back). Later, it's possible she finds a guy she wants to settle down with before I find an LTR, then she'll break it off and I'll feel like ****. While I wouldn't mind continuing to bang this chick, I do like the Costanza rule of going out on a high note.

 

[kraytkiller]

*fist bump and bro-hug*

Thanks man. I know these words to be true, I just can't seem to stop making excuses for the ones that get all up in my kitchen.



Would it be weird to just pick up where we left off after I deliberately ignored her over the holidays, just as she did to me?

Right now I've walked away and her hamster is probably spinning. If I never go back, I'll be bummed out about the result but will be proud of myself for being willing to walk away from a sub-optimal situation. If I do go back, I've told her that her disrespectful behavior is okay (she'll know that even if it takes weeks, I'll come back). Later, it's possible she finds a guy she wants to settle down with before I find an LTR, then she'll break it off and I'll feel like ****. While I wouldn't mind continuing to bang this chick, I do like the Costanza rule of going out on a high note.

It wouldn't be weird. It'd probably be nice, like a break. That's how serious you guys are... two weeks sounds like nothing. People get busy, now the hlidays are over and you two can get back to it.

I didn't send most of my plates a happy holiday message. I didn't even send some of the closest people in my life any holiday messages. Some people just aren't into it. Your overreacting at this hard. Your going to ruin what you have going by acting like a woman and trying to make something casual into something more serious. If she WANTED that, you'd know it. For now she's interested but just not interested in that.

Just text her and say something funny like 'Merry Christmas! have a good one tomorrow!' if she's smart or even just completely ignore what's happened and invite her out for a drink. Act like it isn't a big deal and it won't be, unless she brings it up (that'd be weird)

 

[TheException]

Would it be weird to just pick up where we left off after I deliberately ignored her over the holidays, just as she did to me?

Nope. If she says something like:

HB: Why havent I heard from you in two weeks?

TheCWord: Been busy. What day you free this week.

However like you said...you sound all messed up and if this will make the situation worse maybe you never see her again. Its up to you. You have to accept that your living just in the present and cant worry about if she finds a boyfriend. Thats dumb and fearful. Its a made up scenario, that hasnt even happened yet.

 

[JoeMarron]

Hah this chick is the ultimate fvck buddy; no neediness, no drama and very enthusiastic when you see her. However, at this point I'd stay no contact out of curiosity. There is no valid reason for her not to contact you after all this time besides her playing games or simply not being that interested. Regardless of whether she's playing games or not this chick has you making multiple posts over her and obsessing about the situation. With the dynamic the way it is, it won't be long before you're caring more about her than she cares about you if its not that way already. Go ahead and write this one off. There are other women out there that are LTR material who will take the time to initiate.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

You've gotten some great advice in all of these threads. I'll try to add something here, that may or may not have already been mentioned.

Would it be weird to just pick up where we left off after I deliberately ignored her over the holidays, just as she did to me?

^^^^This question you asked stuck out at me. This attitude right here I feel is what's going to be your downfall with this woman. At this stage in the game, if you're starting to walk on egg shells around her, wondering how your texts are going to be perceived, then you're on a slippery slope.

You're obviously insecure with the relationship at this point. I would try some re-framing on your part. You're doubting the interest of this woman only because she doesn't initiate? That's it right? When you initiate, she snap responds, and seems to always be available? And when you guys are together you two have a great time and she's into you?

I may have missed you mentioning this but, other than not initiating, does she do anything else that shows low interest? Does she play games? Has she been dishonest with you in any way?

You may just be over-analyzing....

You've been on this site for a while now, maybe you're just playing it too cool. She's not used to it, and confused herself on what to do.

Or, she may be emotionally unavailable like was mentioned, or seeing other people and you're her #2 plate... or, she just may be waiting for you to take the lead....

it seems the only person who can really tell you how she is feeling is her....

Do you think there would be any harm in trying to get her to tell you how she feels about the relationship? Get her talking about it. You can do it without losing your frame....you've been seeing her for a while, and you're starting to get curious on what she's thinking. Maybe she just doesn't want to seem clingy....and scare you away.

Do you know much about her back ground? Has she offered up an information about her previous LTR's?

I know the last thing you want to do is ruin a good thing, and that's why you're getting advice before you move forward. This is a tough one, I'm kind of throwing darts at the dart board right now with my advice, it's the best I can do, but I am interested on how you handle this and what happens. Hopefully you'll figure this out.

 

[Trump]

Whether you're new to this story or a returning customer, let me preface this by saying I'm not interested in just spinning plates forever and ever and only using women for sex and procreation.

Doesn't matter if you are interested or not. If you don't think that way and invest emotionally, you will likely get crushed one way or another.

Dating since the summer, see each other once a week, all based on my making plans via text. She responds quickly and enthusiastically and we have fun dates with crazy sex and sleepovers. Between those dates, though, nothing.

I feel this girl is way more GF material than my other plate who is actually asking for an LTR, yet I can't get her to send a text just to check in let alone make plans herself.

Again, it doesn't matter if you think she is LTR material. You have to get her to the level of HER asking you for a LTR. Once you have sex, she has to be doing most of the calling/worrying/getting confused/anxious. If she is not caring about a relationship, you should not be caring about one either.

I decided to not initiate and now it's been two weeks since I've heard from her. No merry xmas. No happy new years. Pretty crazy and disrespectful when you consider the dynamics of our relationship in person - she was out with me and a friend the other week and was holding my hand the entire time, offering to pay for the meal, etc.

It's not being disrepectful, its women being who they are. This girl who you like so much and want to be forever and forever with hasn't even cared to text you happy new year. You should not even let this plate and her crazy sex occupy your mind. Again, she is NOT caring after you'd had sex, so you should NOT be caring.

With plate #2 getting pissy about being in an LTR and plate #1 seemingly not at all wondering where I am, this is a frustrating time.

Plate #1 must be hotter than plate #2.

 

[TheCWord]

Do you think there would be any harm in trying to get her to tell you how she feels about the relationship? Get her talking about it. You can do it without losing your frame....you've been seeing her for a while, and you're starting to get curious on what she's thinking. Maybe she just doesn't want to seem clingy....and scare you away.

Thanks PV. I'd be interested in how you think a man could go about bringing this up without losing frame.

You are correct in that I doubt her interest based solely on her never initiating, which I consider to be a very valid concern. I expect a certain amount of effort from women I'm involved with, especially after this many months of dating.

All this to say that I don't know what's going on in her head and, while it's been very easy to just go NC on her (albeit disappointing), I wouldn't mind expressing what it is I want rather than just passively letting the relationship fade into oblivion.

I of course wouldn't ask for a relationship or a commitment or anything, but I wonder what some of you guys think about saying something blunt like: Listen, I want to be able to keep seeing you, but you put me in a tough spot when I never f*cking hear from you.

And that's just the truth. I expect at least 50/50 participation (and prefer more coming from the woman). I plan on this being a big year for me and while I like this girl a lot, there's no room on this train for anyone who's not going to put in effort. The question is whether I put her on notice like this and give her a chance to straighten up, or just stay ghost and see if she clues in on her own.

 

[NewToTheGame]

I expect at least 50/50 participation (and prefer more coming from the woman). I plan on this being a big year for me and while I like this girl a lot, there's no room on this train for anyone who's not going to put in effort. The question is whether I put her on notice like this and give her a chance to straighten up, or just stay ghost and see if she clues in on her own.

Having a girl available once a week for a good bang is a great situation to be in. However, I certainly don't blame you for being bothered when she doesn't initiate. As other posters have said, really interested girls *usually* will leave no doubt. I guess its possible she is playing some game she learned about in Cosmo...but the fact that she *never* initiates is pretty telling.

Reading the quote I selected above leads me to only on conclusion. This isn't what you want. And that's more important than playing the game, getting laid, etc. Again: if she's not putting in 50% effort, then according to you, this isn't what you want!

I have been watching and reading a lot of Corey Wayne's material lately, and the guy really seems to get it. Look it up if you have time. One of the things he always says is "the strongest negotiating position is having the ability to walk away and *mean it*" (He also says a girl should be doing 70-80% of the pursuing.)

I would consider simply telling this girl what I quoted about (the first part.) In other words, something like "I've had a great time with you, but I really expect a girl to put in a little more effort, so I'm going to move on to other things." And then just walk away. If she fights to keep you at that point, then you might have something. Otherwise, you're gone.

I guess maybe that sounds beta. On the other hand, you are telling her what you *expect*, that you didn't get it from her, and you are done.

Or just resign yourself to getting great sex once a week, and go into it with no expectations of future-GF-status or different behavior from her.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

This is a tough one C-Word, I've never run into anything like this. Usually, if they want a relationship and have just been playing it cool, they break at some point and start throwing ultimatums out at ya.

Honestly, you may need to take the lead on this one.

Have you asked her if she's seeing anyone else?

If you two do get along great and have good conversations....it's really a simple question. And one you're entitled to ask. Right?

I'd wait until you two were together next, then steer the conversation and just ask her. Does she dance around the question then change the subject? Or does she open up?

I'd hit her with it, then judging by her response, go from there.

 

[TheCWord]

I have been watching and reading a lot of Corey Wayne's material lately, and the guy really seems to get it. Look it up if you have time. One of the things he always says is "the strongest negotiating position is having the ability to walk away and *mean it*" (He also says a girl should be doing 70-80% of the pursuing.)

I would consider simply telling this girl what I quoted about (the first part.) In other words, something like "I've had a great time with you, but I really expect a girl to put in a little more effort, so I'm going to move on to other things." And then just walk away. If she fights to keep you at that point, then you might have something. Otherwise, you're gone.

I seem to be caught in purgatory. I agree with the girl doing 70-80% of the pursuing, but I also agree with just stating what I want and then walking away. The problem being that I'm not entirely convinced that this girl is going to suddenly start putting in effort just because I tell her to.

What makes these even more troubling times is Plate #2, who has been putting in an appropriate amount of effort, is now fed up with the casual nature of our relationship and is wanting things to get more serious. I like Plate #2. I do. She's hot, in a very different way from Plate #1, and I'm pleased that the dynamic in our relationship has worked out the way I like: with her cracking and popping the LTR question.

It's not that I'd be opposed to going exclusive with Plate 2. If Plate 1 weren't in the picture, I probably would've reacted very differently when she breached the subject. The dilemma is that while Plate 2 is hot and cool and is putting in the effort, I have more fun, have better sex and just overall enjoy myself more with Plate 1. It's likely that I have communicated this in someway through my behaviour and both Plates have picked up on this: causing 1 to move away and 2 to dash closer.

 

[VladPatton]

You don't know what's on her head, we can all agree on that. So, with that in mind, look at this relationship from a different point of view. Look at what you have, not what you don't. You can't make people give you things, let alone flip a switch and make them attracted to you like a magnet, so savor what you have:

-a chick that isn't clingy
-a chick with a decent level of attraction
-a chick who demands very little of you
-a chick that is fun when you do meet up with her
-a chick that is fun in bed

That, sir, is not a horrible deal and will not last forever. Stop over-analyzing, it is what it is at this point.

Go get some when your lizard needs a draining, and ride it out till the fücking plastic wheels come off!!

 

[JoeMarron]

You don't know what's on her head, we can all agree on that. So, with that in mind, look at this relationship from a different point of view. Look at what you have, not what you don't. You can't make people give you things, let alone flip a switch and make them attracted to you like a magnet, so savor what you have:

-a chick that isn't clingy
-a chick with a decent level of attraction
-a chick who demands very little of you
-a chick that is fun when you do meet up with her
-a chick that is fun in bed

That, sir, is not a horrible deal and will not last forever. Stop over-analyzing, it is what it is at this point.

Go get some when your lizard needs a draining, and ride it out till the fücking plastic wheels come off!!

Sounds like a free high class escort to me. A multitude of dudes would kill for that. The only problem with this situation is reining in the neediness

 

[TheCWord]

Anyways, I think if I were you I would ask her straight out to be exclusive. She will either say yes or no. Then, you have your answer. If that doesn't work for you, don't take offense - like I said, it may not be "you" in particular. Thank her for the good times, and tell her that you are seeking a LTR, and move on. Then, if you want a LTR, focus on Plate #2. Hope this helps. [/B]

Thank you Mauser, Vlad, Joe and everyone for weighing in. It is somewhat reassuring that this girl is stumping everyone.

No doubt I could keep her on as the excellent f-buddy she is, but I like to think I'm self-aware enough to know I'm past the point of no-return on this one. If I kept things going casually I would just quietly seeth and there'd eventually be a fallout that would leave me burned. I just know I can't turn it off like that.

So, I decided I'm going to tell her that I'd like to keep seeing her but the way things are going aren't working for me. Maybe we'll figure out what's been going on with her. I've texted her and we'll see if she'll make the time.

Feeling okay about it. If it's already done or if we do meet up and I don't get a positive response, I'll just see how things go with Plate #2... athough she is currently pissy about me not responding to her LTR question the way she probably hoped.

EDIT: Ahhh f*ck, a big part of me thinks this whole thing is too girly and that it's already a lost cause - that I should just go full NC to screw with her hamster. But since there's been no drama or other problems it seems logical to at least give her a shot and find out for sure.

 

[VladPatton]

Don't mention anything, man, and proceed on course! If you really don't like the way it's going and it bothers you just stop seeing her and fade into the abyss silently. Expressing your view will kill her attraction for you.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Expressing your view will kill her attraction for you.

Yeah man. I'm thinking this too...as are you.

There are other ways.

You need her to express her views.

That's the bottom line.

I wouldn't do it by expressing mine first. Not in this situation.

Ask questions....take it from a stance of being curious, making conversation....no big deal. How's she feeling about this whole thing. What are her thoughts on it?

Get her talking.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Dude she's been treating you like a fvck buddy this whole time. My 25yr FB made it clear from the get go, I still go back on that & think this is all she ever wanted with you. She is ethier to much of a puzzy to say it or she just didn't give 2 fvcks.

Not to sound like an a**hole but my FB wished me a Merry Xmas & Happy NewYear

You are looking for an LTR chick, it's pretty obvious that's not what she's looking for.