"Just be yourself!"
Such is the wonderful advice given by intelligent, well-meaning people everywhere, including this forum. I have no problem with this advice, whatsoever, however it is incomplete. It is semantically inaccurate. Why is it incomplete? In short, it is impossible to be your "real self". Such a "real self" does not really exist. Because of this, I am going to present a modified version of this advice and suggest that you be your ideal personality.
"Man, shut the heck up, don't tell me I don't have a real self!! I'm not just a random assortment of atoms, you inhumane bastard!"
Whoa, whoa, calm down a second, playa. Let me explain what I mean when I say that you do not have a "real self." Think about the way you talk, the words you use when you speak. Now, did you always talk that way? Of course not! In grammar school, you were taught proper language, but somewhere along the way you and your friends came up with some slang. The point is you learned everything you know. You learned your speech patterns, mannerisms, body movements, etc. from somebody else. So, when I say you don't have a "real self," I simply mean that you are the product of your environment. If anything is your "real self," it would be you at the moment you are born, before the doctor smacks your butt, before you are cuddled by your mother, before you hear one word, before you see anything, before all external influence. Now, surely that is not the person you want to be!
How about an analogy to solidify this...picture a ball of rubber bands. The rubber bands represent society's influences on you. Your parents and their influences make up a lot of those rubber bands. That street bum who begged you for money is one tiny rubber band. That time you got humiliated in front of class is a rubber band with negative powers on you. That time you were awarded a medal is a band with positive powers on you (but probably not as strong as the negative band). If you unravel the ball of rubber bands, you have nothing! There is no base to the ball of rubber bands, just like there is no "real self." Now, keep this rubber band analogy in mind as we continue on the journey.
"That makes sense. Actually, that makes me angry! Do I have no control over my life?? Am I simply the product of whatever stupid rubber bands I encounter??"
Well, that is up to you. But, I can tell you one thing. Your life is essentially out of your control until you become aware. If I have a habit of biting my finger nails, I can not stop this habit unless I become aware that I am doing it. I need to not just know that I do this, but I need to recognize that I am doing it when I am in the act of doing it. I have to catch myself in the act! Just like when you look at a girl, if you look away, you need to catch yourself or you will continue to look away like a wuss. Think of it as breathing. Breathing is both an involuntary act, yet it is voluntary when you become aware of it. Such is your life. Now, I ask you, do you wish for your life to remain involuntary, or do you wish to take control over it? I'll assume the latter. So, what you need to do is become aware! Becoming aware is not an overnight process and I do not have time to cover it here, but I can give you some general tips. First of all, slow the heck down! Pay attention to the current moment. Stop thinking about the past and the future. Focus on little things (such as breathing). Meditation is so useful for the very reason that it makes you focus on something that you are never inclined to focus on!
Now, that you are aware (or at least you're aware that you're not aware
), let's go back to that rubber band example. Doesn't the rubber ball look a lot less intimidating when you are aware of the rubber bands you add to the ball? You aren't going to add any more negative rubber bands, are you? It's even less intimidating when you have the ability to actually go back and remove some of those negative bands that creeped into your life. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's easy to do this, but it is possible. Let me provide some concrete examples to demonstrate how one would go about adding rubber bands to the ball:
Situation: You start a conversation with a girl, but she is unreceptive and practically ignores you.
Action: Your rubber ball is full of bands that tell you you have an interesting personality so obviously there is no reason that this girl wouldn't want to talk to you. Obviously, she is rude, in a rush, or a straight-up biatch. Whatever the case, it's her problem, not yours, so add nothing to your rubber ball
Situation: You approach another girl and talk to her and she happily hands you her phone number.
Action: Your rubber ball confirms that you are an interesting person and are a great conversationalist. This girl confirms that. Why not add another band to the ball and strengthen your self image even further!
The basic premise is simple. When positive events occur, emphasize them and use them to enhance your self image. When negative events occur, consider the external influences that you have no control over. Do not let them hurt your self image. This isn't to say that you should ignore results, but do not dwell on them. If you consistently struggle to converse with the ladies, don't continue adding more negative rubber bands to your ball. The problem is that you already have too many of those rubber bands and it is those bands that are preventing you from having good conversations with the ladies! So, don't add fuel to the fire. Identify the problem by using your newfound awareness and extinguish it! It's not always an easy problem to identify and usually there's not a quick fix, but, as long as you are aware, you can fix it.
Caution: A rubber band is only valid if you believe in it! It is not easy to simply add bands. If you are attempting to add a huge rubber band telling yourself you are an interesting person and people enjoy talking to you, it will only adhere to your rubber ball if you believe that that statement is a FACT! For this reason, life is not a quick fix. Be prepared to devote time, effort, and energy throughout your quest (which should never end!)
In the title of this post and in the opening paragraph, I introduced the idea of the ideal personality. The ideal personality is the rubber ball that you covet. Take a look at some of the people who have traits that you admire. Maybe you admire your friend's charisma or your father's patience. Don't tell yourself for one second that those traits can't be yours! Become aware and begin to develop those traits! Focus on adding those new rubber bands to your ball that will nurture that trait. Once you are finished building up your rubber ball, you will have achieved your ideal personality!
Such is the wonderful advice given by intelligent, well-meaning people everywhere, including this forum. I have no problem with this advice, whatsoever, however it is incomplete. It is semantically inaccurate. Why is it incomplete? In short, it is impossible to be your "real self". Such a "real self" does not really exist. Because of this, I am going to present a modified version of this advice and suggest that you be your ideal personality.
"Man, shut the heck up, don't tell me I don't have a real self!! I'm not just a random assortment of atoms, you inhumane bastard!"
Whoa, whoa, calm down a second, playa. Let me explain what I mean when I say that you do not have a "real self." Think about the way you talk, the words you use when you speak. Now, did you always talk that way? Of course not! In grammar school, you were taught proper language, but somewhere along the way you and your friends came up with some slang. The point is you learned everything you know. You learned your speech patterns, mannerisms, body movements, etc. from somebody else. So, when I say you don't have a "real self," I simply mean that you are the product of your environment. If anything is your "real self," it would be you at the moment you are born, before the doctor smacks your butt, before you are cuddled by your mother, before you hear one word, before you see anything, before all external influence. Now, surely that is not the person you want to be!
How about an analogy to solidify this...picture a ball of rubber bands. The rubber bands represent society's influences on you. Your parents and their influences make up a lot of those rubber bands. That street bum who begged you for money is one tiny rubber band. That time you got humiliated in front of class is a rubber band with negative powers on you. That time you were awarded a medal is a band with positive powers on you (but probably not as strong as the negative band). If you unravel the ball of rubber bands, you have nothing! There is no base to the ball of rubber bands, just like there is no "real self." Now, keep this rubber band analogy in mind as we continue on the journey.
"That makes sense. Actually, that makes me angry! Do I have no control over my life?? Am I simply the product of whatever stupid rubber bands I encounter??"
Well, that is up to you. But, I can tell you one thing. Your life is essentially out of your control until you become aware. If I have a habit of biting my finger nails, I can not stop this habit unless I become aware that I am doing it. I need to not just know that I do this, but I need to recognize that I am doing it when I am in the act of doing it. I have to catch myself in the act! Just like when you look at a girl, if you look away, you need to catch yourself or you will continue to look away like a wuss. Think of it as breathing. Breathing is both an involuntary act, yet it is voluntary when you become aware of it. Such is your life. Now, I ask you, do you wish for your life to remain involuntary, or do you wish to take control over it? I'll assume the latter. So, what you need to do is become aware! Becoming aware is not an overnight process and I do not have time to cover it here, but I can give you some general tips. First of all, slow the heck down! Pay attention to the current moment. Stop thinking about the past and the future. Focus on little things (such as breathing). Meditation is so useful for the very reason that it makes you focus on something that you are never inclined to focus on!
Now, that you are aware (or at least you're aware that you're not aware
), let's go back to that rubber band example. Doesn't the rubber ball look a lot less intimidating when you are aware of the rubber bands you add to the ball? You aren't going to add any more negative rubber bands, are you? It's even less intimidating when you have the ability to actually go back and remove some of those negative bands that creeped into your life. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's easy to do this, but it is possible. Let me provide some concrete examples to demonstrate how one would go about adding rubber bands to the ball:Situation: You start a conversation with a girl, but she is unreceptive and practically ignores you.
Action: Your rubber ball is full of bands that tell you you have an interesting personality so obviously there is no reason that this girl wouldn't want to talk to you. Obviously, she is rude, in a rush, or a straight-up biatch. Whatever the case, it's her problem, not yours, so add nothing to your rubber ball
Situation: You approach another girl and talk to her and she happily hands you her phone number.
Action: Your rubber ball confirms that you are an interesting person and are a great conversationalist. This girl confirms that. Why not add another band to the ball and strengthen your self image even further!
The basic premise is simple. When positive events occur, emphasize them and use them to enhance your self image. When negative events occur, consider the external influences that you have no control over. Do not let them hurt your self image. This isn't to say that you should ignore results, but do not dwell on them. If you consistently struggle to converse with the ladies, don't continue adding more negative rubber bands to your ball. The problem is that you already have too many of those rubber bands and it is those bands that are preventing you from having good conversations with the ladies! So, don't add fuel to the fire. Identify the problem by using your newfound awareness and extinguish it! It's not always an easy problem to identify and usually there's not a quick fix, but, as long as you are aware, you can fix it.
Caution: A rubber band is only valid if you believe in it! It is not easy to simply add bands. If you are attempting to add a huge rubber band telling yourself you are an interesting person and people enjoy talking to you, it will only adhere to your rubber ball if you believe that that statement is a FACT! For this reason, life is not a quick fix. Be prepared to devote time, effort, and energy throughout your quest (which should never end!)
In the title of this post and in the opening paragraph, I introduced the idea of the ideal personality. The ideal personality is the rubber ball that you covet. Take a look at some of the people who have traits that you admire. Maybe you admire your friend's charisma or your father's patience. Don't tell yourself for one second that those traits can't be yours! Become aware and begin to develop those traits! Focus on adding those new rubber bands to your ball that will nurture that trait. Once you are finished building up your rubber ball, you will have achieved your ideal personality!