Trying to understand me...and relationships...

[easyjim]

***this is my first attempt ever at trying to communicate my situation in any way, so bear with me***

I'm a 19 year old good looking guy. I've always had girls notice me but for most of my 19 years, I never noticed the signals and when I did I didn't know how to act on them. I remember one of the first times I had a girl approach me. She was a year older and one of the hottest girls in the school. She turned to me one day and said "Hi" as I walked by. I just looked at her and said nothing as I walked by. Granted, I was only in 7th grade at the time but LoL, damn.....to this day I still wonder why and beat myself up over it for a long time. After that I recall thinking to myself "It's cool, I'll talk to her within a month, then it was by the end of the year, and of course it never happened. I have since made this way of thinking a habit....a bad one.

I've never had a girlfriend. Thats hard for me to type. The reason being that I've gotten the impression that because of my looks, it's expected of me. We all know looks mean very little if you don't have the proper foundation. This has led me to believe there's something wrong with me. THat I have some sort of inability to have a relationship with a woman. It's not like I've never been laid. In fact, the girls I have gotten on have all been hot. But I want to become more consistent and take an active role in my life instead of waiting for it to come to me. Now, I know that the source of happiness is within myself, but a relationship is something that I really want to experience.

The thing is, I really don't know why this is. I can't find a common difference between me and all the guys I know who have girlfriends.

I do have 3 theories:
1) For the first 13 years of my life I grew up with a messed up dad who I never wanted to/was afraid to be around. I don't know how exactly this would tie into women and dating, but it's messed with me in other ways so who knows...

2)My first real experience with girls was a disaster. Back when I was an afc I fell in love with a girl 2 years younger than me and did all the wrong things. The whole experience really tore me up and left me depressed. Maybe it's had lingering effects....I don't know.

3) For a long time I never felt comfortable being me, mainly because I never knew who I was. Even now that I have a better understanding of myself, I still sometimes have a 'hard time being me'. This is extremely hard if not impossible to explain if you've never experienced it, but it's an anxiety I experience in certain social situations. I think its's some sort of depersonalization which I link to the large amounts of LSD I ate when I was way to young.

I'm not here looking for any sympathy whatsoever. I did this for myself in order to staighten out my thoughts. I'm pretty sure the answer to my problems is to GET OUT THERE AN MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. I need to take an active role in my life. Yet, im still having problems doing this and am bothered by the fact that I've never been in a relationship. The longer I go without one, the more pressure I feel from my family and from myself which only makes things worse.

Anyways, I hope you could relate somewhat. And if you couldn't, feel free to slap me, thrash me, whatever you gotta do to wake me up.

 

[TheRisingSon]

You don't like yourself. Thus, you don't think anyone else (i.e. girls) would like you. That is wrong. "Somebody's Crying." What would it take you to like yourself? Do that. You will find that once you like yourself that it is amazing the number of women who come on to you (they always were; your self hate simply blocked it out). Don't argue, just do. "If you want to change the world, just shut your mouth." I know you can be who you want to be. Make me (and this board, or your father, or, most importantly, yourself, or whatever) proud.

I Have Risen

 

[Balanced]

Take a look at your life, make a list of good things and bad things. Be brutally honest. Then attack your weaknesses. Set goals for short term and long term. Then get out there and attain those goals.

This is ambition and its a good spark for confidence. Maybe take a break from this site for a week and figure out how to reach these goals.

Conquer your fears.

 

[MetalFortress]

I didn't have a girlfriend til age 18, after graduating high school. The simplest I can put it is if you want a girlfriend, you go, and make it happen. But getting into a relationship for the wrong reason (because of pressures, not because the girl is worth it) will leave the relationship dead in the water. Keep it simple.

 

[Dirtheart]

I've never had a girlfriend. Thats hard for me to type. The reason being that I've gotten the impression that because of my looks, it's expected of me. We all know looks mean very little if you don't have the proper foundation. This has led me to believe there's something wrong with me.

I've been there too. Any time I was not seeing anyone, everyone started asking me why not and would try to motivate and urge me to find someone. They'd keep saying how good looking I am and how easy it would be to find girlfriend. I've even had people taking my photo and sending it to their friends and then trying to set me up.

But the reason I didn't have girlfriends was simply because I was too insecure and too scared to return any interest when it was shown. I didn't even have to do cold approaches or any other techniques; all I needed to do was respond to the signs and offers women were giving me. But I couldn't even do that.

The answer is confidence. For whatever reason, you lack confidence and you need this to initiate relationships and to sustain them too.

As I've found out during the past 3-4 months, that's not too difficult to solve. It's just a state of mind and it can be changed with a little time, effort and the right understanding.

There are so many useful tips on this site and there are so many books you can read that will help you overcome this. Once you do, finding a girlfriend (and a whole lot more) will be much easier for you.