Trying to rebuild my life, and would appreciate a little help.

[Felk]

I’ve been fighting the last few years to turn my life around. I am a terribly shy person and I need to overcome this last obstacle to live a normal life.

Please forgive me for writing a book here, but I must get some things off my chest.

You see, I’ve become a social retard. After high school I fell into a deep depression. I won’t go into why, I could write a novel on why, but it was bad and it was too much for me. The depression was so intense it made me fall into a catatonic-like state; I felt like I was sleeping every moment I was awake. My family’s very anti-psychiatrist so I never received any kind of help for it. Eventually I contracted a social phobia and became afraid to leave my house. For 5 years I kept myself locked inside, to scared to let anyone so much as see me. If anyone’s seen the movie The Machinist then you’ll get an idea of what happen to me physically.

That five years was hell; I was so incredibly lonely and I could feel my sanity slipping little by little. I had no friends and my family was barely around, so the loneliness overwhelmed me. I lost track of time and never even knew what day of the week it was. I slept 15 and sometimes 20 hours a day. When it finally hit me that 5 whole years had passed I started crying uncontrollably. I was 24 years old and I felt, and in many ways believed, that I should still be 17. No words can really describe the emotional pain I was in; I was having a nervous breakdown. No one was around, or would ever be around, to help.

After the breakdown thoughts of suicide filled my head. How would I make it quick, painless, and neat? I almost did it, I came so close, but I had to stop myself. It took every ounce in me to stop myself.

I use to be strong. Back in school I use to be a very strong person. I use to be happy and I had friends and I had girlfriends and I had fun. What had happen to me? I became a monstrous version of my former self. I was a horror story come to life, and I was willing to do anything to escape it. But would killing myself really have helped me to escape it? No, I would have died as the monster thus forever being the monster.

I use to view myself as a fighting person, though I never thought that the hardest thing I would ever face would be an internal battle. This is a battle nearly killed me. I can’t run from it, I can’t numb it with drugs, and I can’t ignore it. In order to truly escape the monster is for me to fight it, and I have to win. When I die I want to be myself again, even though I only have a vague memory of who that really is.

Little by little I forced myself to leave the house, to go to public areas, and to talk to people (not actual conversations, but saying hi, good morning, have a nice day, etc…).

Now it’s been nearly two years and I have improved so much. I have a fulltime job, though I’m very quiet and shy, and I have a few friends that I hang out with every once in a while. I’m winning my battle, but like I said at the beginning, I have one last obstacle. I’m struggling to find myself but this awkward shyness is blocking me every step of the way.

I would like to start dating and I would like to be able to strike up & hold conversations with people I don’t know. The trouble is that I see no solution in sight. I just don’t know what to do next. This is where I was hoping someone here could point me in the right direction. I have done so much on my own that I’m now exhausted, and I need some guidance.

 

[Interceptor]

Felk,

You need to continue to see the progrees you have made for yourself.
You are primarily responsible for your actions and are responsible for your life.


You need to be aware that YOU control your Destiny.

You are WORTH being happy, finding love, and Joy in your life.
You deserve it, and you ARE worthy.


You need to continue to see yourself as a Fighter.
You have brought yourself with little to no help from others out of your Isolation.

You should be proud of your accomplishments.


First off, as you have stated you have Goals you now wish to Achieve.

You need to WRITE OUT your Goals.
You need to have a FIRM mental image imorinted in YOUR MIND on EXACTKLY what it is that YOU WANT.

"I, Felk, will strive to accompish these Goals:
1. I want to have confidence in myself.
2. I want to regularly date women.
3. I want to be conmfortable around strangers.
4. etc"

Be aware of your goals. And find resources that will help inform you on the correct way on going about accomplishing these things.

You need to start investigating Meditation, Yoga, Bodybuilding, Confidence, Sexuality, Attraction between Men and Women, Relationship Dynamics, Visualization techniques, and all manner of Self Improvement material that is of interest to you.

You must concentrate on working on yourself first before anything.
Body Image
Financial Resources
Interesting Hobbies
Physical Health
Mental Health
Emotional Health and Maturity
Realsitic expectations of Life
Understanding your TRUE WORTH and Value.

Understand that it is your DUTY to develop yourself into a fully capable,functioning, and contributing human BEING.
Look at this from the angle that not only do YOU need to develop yourself, but somewhere out there.....someone is counting on you to be READY.
Think about that long and hard....

 

[chancer]

Nice advice Interceptor.

You've done a great job getting your life back together. I know you're exhausted, but there's not going to be any easy way out. Instead of dwelling on what you once had, create a new you.

You said that you have one last obstacle, but you gotta realize that life is filled with obstacles. Envision yourself and solutions to overcome obstacles and achieve your goals.

Also, start working out or playing a sport to keep your mind active and alert.

For a time I was pretty miserable. I was depressed and everything seemed to be going downhill. To make the story short, i'm just gonna mention school. I failed all of my classes in school for about a year. I took a class twice and still screwed up. That teacher pulled me to the side and asked why i was doing so poorly. I fed him bull**** after bull**** after bull****. And he ask "what else?", "go on", and then I ran out of excuses. He told me to let go, forget about everything in the past, move on, and that I was starting fresh. Little by little i stopped thinking about all of the negative sh!t that's ever happened in my life. I stopped being angry at the world. And I finally started thinking positively.