Trying to move things to the next level but can't...

[Magical Trevor]

Howdy y’all!

First of all, I’d like to say I’ve been lurking here for some time and have found this website and the advice here top notch. However, I have a problem you guys might be able to help me with:

I’m fine with talking/flirting/dating women, but when it comes time to escalate things physically (ie touching/kissing), I run into a roadblock. I am terrified to do it, owing to something that happened to me.

About a year ago, I was extremely naïve around women and didn’t know what I was doing. I was an RA in my school’s dorms, and I though one of the girls was flirting with me. So I took her back to my room, and we watched a movie. I thought I was in the clear to mess around with her physically (touching certain areas) but I wasn’t, and that’s when trouble started. The movie ended and she left. A few minutes later there was a knock on my door and two police officers told me to pack a bag and come with them.

To make a long story short, I was fired from my job, verbally abused by the police officers, put on permanent probation by my school, had to do a humiliating presentation about consent, and had to deal with awkward questions people had about my sudden removal from the dorms.

This whole experience had an extremely traumatizing effect on me, and unfortunately I am so afraid of it happening again I don’t want to lay a finger on women, even when I am 110% sure they would like me to escalate things. It’s a game killer and I’m pretty sure is the reason many formerly interested women hate me now. I’d like to follow some of the advice I’ve read on here but I’m terrified of it backfiring and landing me in the same spot again. What can I do to regain my confidence and overcome my fear?

Thanks.

 

[Igetit!]

About a year ago, I was extremely naïve around women and didn’t know what I was doing. I was an RA in my school’s dorms, and I though one of the girls was flirting with me. So I took her back to my room, and we watched a movie. I thought I was in the clear to mess around with her physically (touching certain areas) but I wasn’t, and that’s when trouble started. The movie ended and she left. A few minutes later there was a knock on my door and two police officers told me to pack a bag and come with them.

Wow man.

That's a rough situation to find yourself in.


I'm curious as to what this girl did that made you think you had the green light.


You said that you thought she was "flirting" with you.


What EXACTLY did she do or say that made you think it'd be ok to get physical with her?


Just curious about that.





And as far as overcoming this fear you have,I say just to go through the "standard" process of dating.



In other words,you approach a girl,ASK HER OUT,then if she accepts you go out,enjoy each other's company,have some light kino (non-sexual touching) here and there throughout the date,and at some point,try to kiss her.




The fact that you asked her out in and of itself implies a sexual interest on your part,and her accepting shows she's at least receptive to the idea of being sexual with you.




It's NOT a green light to grab her boob or anything like that,just that she's open to the things LEADING UP TO you two being sexual.





This is why I asked what this girl did or said that made you think you had the go ahead to make a move on her.





If you could tell us what went down proceeding her going back to your room with you,we could probably decipher where the misunderstanding happened that got you into that mess,and help you to be able to recognize and aviod the same thing from happening again.

 

[CarlitosWay]

Igetit! hit is on point with his post! Magical Trevor...it seems there's got be more to this story. I mean it takes a lot to get a girl so uncomfortable with some one and to go get police involved. When she could have just told you.. "This is not going to work and LJBF's" and end it there.

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

This whole experience had an extremely traumatizing effect on me, and unfortunately I am so afraid of it happening again I don’t want to lay a finger on women, even when I am 110% sure they would like me to escalate things. It’s a game killer and I’m pretty sure is the reason many formerly interested women hate me now. I’d like to follow some of the advice I’ve read on here but I’m terrified of it backfiring and landing me in the same spot again. What can I do to regain my confidence and overcome my fear?

Thanks.

Don't mess with women when you're in a position of any kind of authority (even if it is minor) over them or people they may know. It's obvious you were set up.

When you are in a position of authority, you have to be very careful because people who are nice to you may be manipulating the situation to act on revenge for some previous action you have taken.

ie: If you didn't take a dump in your own backyard, this wouldn't have happened. Live and learn. The problem isn't women and trust, it's considering the relative consequences of your actions in situations. You thought with your small head, don't do that in the future.

 

[Magical Trevor]

Wow man.

That's a rough situation to find yourself in.


I'm curious as to what this girl did that made you think you had the green light.


You said that you thought she was "flirting" with you.


What EXACTLY did she do or say that made you think it'd be ok to get physical with her?


Just curious about that.

Well, the way she talked to me was a little dirtier than I’m used to from a woman. And she seemed really interested in me. I took those signs as a green light and escalated things.

Also, it probably didn’t help much that the day before I’d basically gone from say hi to getting laid by another girl in one move (it turns out this girl had a huge crush on me and was kind of slutty). I figured that since I’d had luck with speeding things up the day before, it would work again on a different girl. Unfortunately I realized that what applies to one woman doesn’t apply to them all.

The fact that you asked her out in and of itself implies a sexual interest on your part,and her accepting shows she's at least receptive to the idea of being sexual with you.




It's NOT a green light to grab her boob or anything like that,just that she's open to the things LEADING UP TO you two being sexual.

Well, I learned a pretty hard lesson about that. I guess patience and timing are key?

If you could tell us what went down proceeding her going back to your room with you,we could probably decipher where the misunderstanding happened that got you into that mess,and help you to be able to recognize and aviod the same thing from happening again.

Well, I randomly met her somewhere in the dorm, and we had a good chat, so she invited me to go with her and her friend to dinner. Dinner went well, and I invited her and her friend back to my room to watch a movie. While watching the movie I put my hand on her leg and made my way to other body parts. I didn’t undress her or anything. Also, her friend was still with us at the time, but it was dark in the room and it seemed like she didn’t seem to notice. She didn’t try to resist or swat my hand away, which I was expecting her to do if she was uncomfortable. After the movie they left, and a little later I got hauled off by the cops.

Don't mess with women when you're in a position of any kind of authority (even if it is minor) over them or people they may know. It's obvious you were set up.

When you are in a position of authority, you have to be very careful because people who are nice to you may be manipulating the situation to act on revenge for some previous action you have taken.

ie: If you didn't take a dump in your own backyard, this wouldn't have happened. Live and learn. The problem isn't women and trust, it's considering the relative consequences of your actions in situations. You thought with your small head, don't do that in the future.

I didn’t realize that being an RA was a position of power. To me, it just seemed like a job where I dealt with people’s problems and did paperwork. I guess it’s very different through the eyes of another person.

Also, there were rules in place that said no dating between RA’s and the residents, however those were rarely enforced. I imagine those rules were probably born out of an incident like mine.

I’m not entirely sure if it was a setup or not. I was able to get my hands on a copy of the police report, and it wasn’t her who called the cops. It was some guy friend of hers. In her statement she "didn’t want to get me fired, but wanted me to learn a lesson."



So pretty much I’m not expecting and not looking for any sympathy from you guys. I f*cked up, and I’m just trying to move on. Unfortunately I’m kinda scarred from this whole thing and would love some advice so that I’m not back in this situation again. I do appreciate the help so far, you guys rock.

Thanks.

 

[drak_ool]

Dinner went well, and I invited her and her friend back to my room to watch a movie. While watching the movie I put my hand on her leg and made my way to other body parts.

That right there sounds sketchy! so you're groping her in the dark while her friend is there as well? That would be cool if it was a girl you've been intimate with in the past. That is not ok when you just met the chick.

Like somebody else pointed out, just because she seems open to sex doesn't mean she wants to do it right then and there. In this situation you touching her "body parts" is a no-no because you're not going anywhere with it (her friend is there, can't escalate past a certain point), she can't respond to you (again because of her friend), and so she feels used by a predator who's only after her body, a guy who can't contorl his sex urge even in the presence of 3rd parties. She could have felt ashamed in front of her friend, and that's why she didn't say anything.

BUT, I could also buy into the set-up theory of The Mysterious Guy. Pple in dorms don't like RAs, so finding a motive is pretty easy. Then the fact that she acted slvtty with you (to entice you), brings a friend with her to your room (witnesses), and let's you touch her sexually (hard evidence), coupled with her statement to the cops that she wanted to teach you a lesson and the fact that it was a guy friend who made the call (proof that she discussed what happened right away with others who were probably waiting for her outside) all point towards you being set up.

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

BUT, I could also buy into the set-up theory of The Mysterious Guy. Pple in dorms don't like RAs, so finding a motive is pretty easy. Then the fact that she acted slvtty with you (to entice you), brings a friend with her to your room (witnesses), and let's you touch her sexually (hard evidence), coupled with her statement to the cops that she wanted to teach you a lesson and the fact that it was a guy friend who made the call (proof that she discussed what happened right away with others who were probably waiting for her outside) all point towards you being set up.

Yes, this was all far to convenient and I'm not a paranoid person at all. Somewhere, someone was angry with this guy and he may well not have even known it because even the nicest RAs get vicious rumors/blame spread about when someone gets in trouble or whatever even though the RA wasn't involved.

I thought I was in the clear to mess around with her physically (touching certain areas) but I wasn’t, and that’s when trouble started. The movie ended and she left. A few minutes later there was a knock on my door and two police officers told me to pack a bag and come with them.

Yeah, it's pretty much 99.99% that's what happened. He got railroaded.

Even after all I've seen in life I still don't understand how people can do that sort of thing and sleep at night.

 

[Sandow]

I wouldn't apply the lessons you learned in this traumatic experience with girls you meet in everyday life. I think situations like these are pretty rare. Rather I think dumb biatches like these are pretty rare. You just ran into a dumb c*unt.

The reason why this whole situation happened was because you were an RA. You were in a position of power. You enforced the rules, laid down the law and so people complied and looked up to you.

The last thing this girl expected was for you to start groping her. She was obviously felt violated and freaked out. If you weren't an RA this would have been a different situation and not such a big deal. It's like a Lieutenant hitting on one of his female cops or a Professor hitting on one his students. Socially and morally it's not really accepted. It looks like someone using their power to get what they want. And if it's sex it looks really bad.

Aaaaanyways...like I said before, hitting on girls in everyday normal life is totally different. Honestly, I would of done the same thing with that girl if it was a normal situation being two normal people who were flirting.

I wouldn't let this situation change your game. Yea it was unfortunate but these kind of things are 1 in 1000. Trust me, girls love being hit on, even they reject you. I say keep sarging on, don't let that one situation affect you, I guarantee that it will never happen. Unless you become an RA again lol.