Trying not to screw up

[Tainterplexx]

I am recently going through a divorce, ex wife is a *****...

I started talking to this 28 year old girl, who is also going through a divorce, and has a son. The dad is a deadbeat so he is basically out of the equation. I myself have no kids. A mutual friend thought that we could help each other out going through our divorces and be a support system. We started talking and she started showing pretty heavy interest in me, and at the time I made it very clear that I wasn't looking for a relationship. Next thing I know she is all over me. We finally slept together, and things were going great with that. She was coming over and we were hanging out all the time. We went away for a weekend, and that was when i started developing feelings for her. When we came back, that week we were back, it seemed like something was up, so i asked her if things were ok, and she said yeh it was just shark week. The following weeks was when her divorce was to be final, however dead beat is trying to contest it. Then the following week she had some medical issues go on, and for the last two weeks we have hung out on the weekends, but not during the week. Within these last 5 weeks, i told her how I felt about her, that I did have interest in her and that I wanted to see where things go. She agreed and said she thought there was something between us. Keep in mind the sex, text messaging, hanging out has really diminished at this point, well the sex has stopped since we came back from being gone for that weekend. So then like a douche, i started thinking it was me and kinda getting a bit paranoid I did something wrong. So i finally asked her what was up and she said that she has been in a funky mood for a few weeks. A friend of mind had hit her up and asked what we were last week, and she told him more than friends, but taking things slow. We went out for dinner the other night and got on the conversation of us, and I asked her what she wanted out of us, and she said she was happy with the way things were going, and she thought that it was heading towards a relationship, or at least in her mind she thought that. I decided to back off of her a bit and let her sort her stuff out, by not talking to her and making her come to me, it seemed to be working better. I ended up having one too many drinks last night and basically like an idiot told her i was giving her space. Don't ask my why i thought that was a good idea in my intoxicated state. She really didn't respond to that.

I am looking for advice on how to get this one back to thinking about me and only me. I had seen where she posted on some fitness model guys facebook page that she wanted to be motivated to get to the gym and start dating again. I was left kinda feeling like chopped liver.

Any way I can turn this around so I can keep her wanting me?

 

[sylvester the cat]

yes. by turning around and not wanting her.

 

[Tainterplexx]

Any tips to drive her towards me by not wanting her? Im not trying to drive her away completely either.

 

[aim22]

This

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1596861

 

[The Duke]

Tainter- you answered your own question:

I decided to back off of her a bit and let her sort her stuff out, by not talking to her and making her come to me, it seemed to be working better.[/B]

The best thing you can do right now is go spin some plates. Forget about settling down with one girl. You both have emotional issues right now that you don't even realize that make neither one of you ready for a serious relationship that you will end up regretting down the road.

You sound pretty needy now, and you probably are due to your divorce but its not helping your chances.

 

[expos]

You are in complete limbo at this point.

With 100% certainty she is shopping for a better deal and once she finds it, you are toast.

This might sound harsh, but for whatever reason you are failing to keep her interest and on top of this, you’ve developed feelings for her which is why it is hard for you to leave her. She KNOWS how you feel about her and knows that you are sure thing and it doesn’t excite her in any way. What you should have done was show a very low interest level and get the power. Right now, she’s pulling the strings and dictating your destiny. This is a tough place to be in.

The ONLY thing you can do right now is DISAPPEAR. You need to do this for three reasons.

1. It allows you to detach from her.

2. It will make you seem more interesting, more valuable (being less available makes you more wanted), more mysterious, and stronger than her. This will get her spinning in some way and she might come back.

3. It gives you the power and is a great exercise in restraint. You can start applying this to your next relationship.

I was in the exact same place your were in a few months ago. I was dating a recently divorced single mom. She was hot and was always searching for a better deal and when she flaked on me and gave me the whole "not ready for a relationship” via a text (yes, she was that cowardly) I deleted her from Facebook, deleted her number, and NEVER spoke to her again. That is power. I have no regrets about that all and it was the best move I have made to date.

I will also add that divorced men and women are emotional train wrecks after divorce and do a lot of stupid sh!t because they feel discarded and low. Most girls hate themselves, and will jump on the first floating piece of driftwood that comes their way in order to feel better. I believe you are dealing with a very conflicted woman and she won't be able to be her best around you.

 

[:-)]

Im not trying to drive her away completely either.

sounds like you already have. you should drop this girl from your life right now. two things will happen. you will regain your sanity and it might create a little mystery in you which is more likely than not to spark whatever interest she has in you if indeed she wasn't just using you.

pursuing her will only push her further away. it's hard to explain the counter-intuitiveness of seduction but it is counter-intuitive.

 

[Tainterplexx]

Thanks for the advice and the link. Ive started to just stop talking to her and see what happends. She doesn't talk on the phone so texting is my only option. As of now shes already hit me up asking how my day has gone, and if I am ok.

We will see where this goes.

 

[Tainterplexx]

Here is the update.

I decided I have had enough of the ****, so I decided to not text her unless texted. She texted me around 1pm and i didn't respond to her until about 6pm. She asked what I was getting into that night, and I just said going out with friends.

For the next 5 days, I did not contact her. On the 6th day I shot her a simple text and said What's up? I got an earful after that.

Her: What is going on with us?

Me: What do you mean?

Her: I'm pretty clueless right now. You haven't talked to me since Thursday night and pretty much blew me off that day. You didn't talk to me for 5 days.

Me: I have just been busy

Her: It's all good I guess

So I was in the gym the other night, and she happened to show up, she came over and started talking to me like nothing had happened. She waited for me to finish up and then left when I left. We were outside in the parking lot and she said so what is the deal? I said deal with what? She said us? I said I don't know what do you want? She said she wasn't sure because she was confused. And with her divorce not final she didn't want to jump into anything yet until it was final, and that she had been having medical problems beyond what she had told me for the last few weeks, basically beginning of February. To which I didn't ask what they were, but she stated that she had not told her Mom in regards to what happened, but her mom just started finding out what was going on. To me... it seemed like an excuse, because she couldn't be upfront with me at all for pushing me to the side. But before we left she hugged me, but didn't kiss me this time. We have still talked on and off through text, but i have no longer put myself out there, and she said she wanted to try and hangout Friday night, which ive already made backup plans incase she bails out, which i figure she will. I am not planning on asking her about Friday as that was her call.

When you don't seem to care what goes on, you lose that emotional side of yourself, which I believe is a good thing. I am in no rush to get involved, just trying to see where this will go, or if it will go anywhere. Not sure what to think from the story above.

 

[Sofomore]

You're doing the right thing by backing off and making yourself scarce. She's conflicted because she has low IL but all the sudden you aren't paying attention to her, thus raising her IL. Her hamster wheel is spinning.

It's up to you at this point to either put in more effort or bail and start fresh.

My gf of a year started losing interest so I bailed and started fresh. Was not easy but in the long run was definitely worth it. She made me feel like sh!t so I grabbed my balls and moved on.

I'd suggest moving on because once you show a hint of affection it will be back to square one. Do you really want a relationship where you have to be an a$$hole all the time? I don't like having to act like someone else to keep a girls IL high.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Your first mistake was dating a woman that's not 100% through with the divorce yet.

Your second mistake was becoming the girl in the situation by asking her the "what are we" question. That's THEIR job.

The third mistake you made was trying to rush this thing into becoming a relationship. As long as she's continuing to say "yes" to your date invites, you enjoy yourself and don't try to push it into relationship territory until she's ready - which, if you waited patiently, you'd be signaled for when she asked you the "what are we" question (see second mistake).

The fourth mistake you made was blabbing your feelings to her. Dude, YOUR feelings about you two do NOT matter - only hers does. Girls take a bit more time than we do to assess if they want a guy as the boyfriend. See mistakes 2 and 3 - you telling her your feelings does NOT help her determine hers. Only your actions do. If you're doing loving actions, she'll pick up that you care for her.

And the fifth mistake you made was taking her away for the weekend. That's something you do when she's your GIRLFRIEND, not when you're still in the dating stage and not yet defined as a couple. Rushing a weekend getaway = rushing into a relationship = her not wanting to stick around.

As for what you should do now? Stop with all the serious relationship/emotions/"what are we" talk and go back to just having fun without feeling the need to rush everything. And for the love of GOD, could you find a woman that's already single??

 

[Tainterplexx]

The weekend getaway, wasn't just the two of us skipping town. It was for an event I had signed up for, and she asked if she could go just go get away. So I wasn't rushing that, i was a lil vague on that.

But everything else has been noted.