TRYING and BEING ..the difference

[DavenJuan]

So i decided to browse a few threads on LTR. What kept coming up in just about everyone i skimmed through were keeping up high IL. Staying desirable.

which made me think a bit..

There is a difference between "trying" to keep high IL and staying desirable, and actually "being" desirable constantly and high IL always excisting no matter what the circimstances.

Being a "DJ" wouldnt consist of having to "keep" up high IL or having to "stay" desirable..it should be a part of your make up and just "be"....right??

Or is it that you always are looking for self improvement that gives you that "status"...knowing your faults and fixing them??

I am sure many of us have read books, the dj bible, read threads on particular situations going on in our current lives in hopes to gain some knowledge and advice on how to handle situatons we may be going through at the time. No matter how many things obtained, read and then practiced, at what point does this become natural...second nature?? not some of it..but ALL knowledge obtained.

Meeting a new HB, new gf, being in a LTR, marriage for 20 years, etc.. are any of us EVER a TRUE DJ? when is this "status" reached? Only when what we have read and obtained become who we are? Are we never to "slip" into AFC ways in certain instances?

If so, how is this status acquired? How do we become so that we dont make ANY AFC mistakes? or is it expect to make those mistakes and learn?

i have made tremoundous progress..i can actually SEE the difference, however is it expected that we EVER reach this "status" of "BEING" ..or simply us "TRYING" with actual "PROGRESSION" to BE consistent with what it is we are looking to accomplish?

input...

 

[STR8UP]

It's SOOOO easy to slip back into AFC mode, even if it's simply in the little things such as becoming complacent and predictable.

I've come a long way, but I don't think there is a guy on here that could have a successful long term relationship without some sort of conscious effort, myself included.

I posted a thread a week or two ago about living the Plate Theory. That's where I stand right now. I don't feel as though I need a woman to make my life complete, so I have progressed to the point that if I have zero plates or ten I can still operate from a position of power.

Now going into a relationship is another story. Once the hook is set it's easy to forget that you need to keep tension on the line to KEEP the hook set. You can't just open the bail and set the pole down. It's easy to think that once she's interested you can relax the rules, but sadly that's the downfall of MANY a relationship. The hook is set real good and you put the pole down and walk away.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to fully relax when you are in a relationship?

I don't think any guy can afford to, whether he is consciously holding the tension or otherwise.

So to answer your question- I think that very VERY few guys are able to get themselves 100% to the point that there is no conscious effort to keep their relationships afloat. That's what we all strive for, but for most it's a journey, not a destination.

 

[Colossus]

It's SOOOO easy to slip back into AFC mode, even if it's simply in the little things such as becoming complacent and predictable.

I've come a long way, but I don't think there is a guy on here that could have a successful long term relationship without some sort of conscious effort, myself included.

Agree on both points.

I think it is foolish to get lazy, to let our guard down on the important fronts. Complacency follows laziness, and suffering follows complacency. Like you said, it is sooo easy and tempting to rest on the laurels of a relationship and get caught with your pants down one day because you let the weeds grow unchecked. Women are constantly going to test. I posted about this in another thread. It will never end. We can be the sappling that bends with a woman's pressure, or we can be the oak that doesnt sway with every little barb that is thrown our way.

The whole DJ thing is a practice, not a point of arrival. Much like medicine. A person becomes a doctor when the have completed their formal medical education and passed their boards, but a physician is always practicing medicine; always learning and adapting. There is no absolute mastery.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to fully relax when you are in a relationship?

Why should this be such an impossible ideal?? Could it be that some of us are just with the wrong women? Could it be that we spend so much time and mental effort analyzing, planning, and contriving that we arent being true to ourselves? Im not trying to sound trite here, but i dont think it is so unreasonable to be able to fully relax in a relationship, PROVIDED that some critical internal metamorphoses have occured; and provided we chose an equally mature woman.

 

[DavenJuan]

Could it be that some of us are just with the wrong women? Could it be that we spend so much time and mental effort analyzing, planning, and contriving that we arent being true to ourselves? Im not trying to sound trite here, but i dont think it is so unreasonable to be able to fully relax in a relationship,

So whats the difference in a relationship or just meeting someone? Isnt it that we try and reach the point that being "true" to ourselves comes naturally and we dont need to take time to analyze and plan because we just "do". its natural.

I think that very VERY few guys are able to get themselves 100% to the point that there is no conscious effort to keep their relationships afloat. That's what we all strive for, but for most it's a journey, not a destination.

I don't think there is a guy on here that could have a successful long term relationship without some sort of conscious effort, myself included

Being in a relationship you always are gonig to get the ***tests constantly, Do you think making a "concious" effort to hurdle these tests means we still lack "something" that implies the nature of an AFC?

Most of my actions in my LTR and even socially are derived from what i have learned over the last few years here. I dont know if most of it is natural or a seed thats planted.

i wander if there is truly a point that is reached when NO "conscious" effort is needed. not just in a relationship, but with everyday activities, socially and intimately.. you just 'ARE". . or would you even notice such changes?? sitll trying to reach some other form of "being"

 

[STR8UP]

Why should this be such an impossible ideal?? Could it be that some of us are just with the wrong women? Could it be that we spend so much time and mental effort analyzing, planning, and contriving that we arent being true to ourselves? Im not trying to sound trite here, but i dont think it is so unreasonable to be able to fully relax in a relationship, PROVIDED that some critical internal metamorphoses have occured; and provided we chose an equally mature woman.

Yea, the woman you are with makes a huge difference. But i am of the school of thought that women are basically the same at their core.

And I also believe that the flip side of the coin is that it takes a man who understand what it takes to be a man to hold a relationship together.

So is it possible to fully relax? I suppose so, but it would take a zen sort of attitude from a man who is truly a MAN, and a woman who doesn't fight her womanhood. Rare to find, indeed.