Trouble Forgetting

[kk2004]

Well..most of you guys know my situation....

Situation: Its been about 2 and a half months since I broke up with my ex....

Problem: Some how I keep thinking about her and its not even conscience, for example, I'll be walking to a Burger King and some thought about me going to Wendy's with her will pop into my head. Or I'll be lying down to go to sleep and some thought of us riding together at night in her car and laughing about a joke which I'll still remember comes to mind..and then Ill just think about it more. There so many times during the day when Ill be doing something and my mind drifts toward her memory about something we did.

I noticed that when Im not preoccupied with something really intresting or when Im not with other people and by myself like walking from class to class or having lunch in college alone or home alone or in class when class is boring or working out (even!)..my mind always some how brings up some memory which I didnt know existed until then.

I think there's no way to stop these thoughts from comming up..but what I can do is stop entertaining them in my head and focus my attention other places...For example if some memory pops into my head and I start to think about this "One time"..I can always say to myself "STOP"...and then think about that tree in front of me or try to guess the breast size of the girl walking toward me.

Its really annoying though....Ill be talking with people and a memory will pop up into my head and then suddenly I wouldnt want to talk anymore or be as enthusiatic as I was when I first started the convo. But what helps most in keeping these thoughts from not popping into my head during the day is when I AM talking to other people..but that too after while gets affected like most everything else.

My problem could also be that I havent talked to many girls after I broke up with her bcuz I have social anxiety and apporaching girls out of the blue is crippling..I wish I could but its very nerve racking...and I also kind of also lost enthusiasim for the game...like I see a hot girl or I'll start to think about what I need to do to meet more gilrs or approach those in my comfort zone ..Ill just say "F8Uk it..its too much work..its not worth it" bcuz Im nervous from social anxiety and just apathetic too.

*What doesnt help is that she goes to the same college as me...

 

[DinoCassanova]

My problem could also be that I havent talked to many girls after I broke up with her bcuz I have social anxiety and apporaching girls out of the blue is crippling..I wish I could but its very nerve racking...and I also kind of also lost enthusiasim for the game...like I see a hot girl or I'll start to think about what I need to do to meet more gilrs or approach those in my comfort zone ..Ill just say "F8Uk it..its too much work..its not worth it" bcuz Im nervous from social anxiety and just apathetic too.

>>> This is much more common than you think. I was thinking the same exact way (minus the breakup issue) even as recently as a few months ago. This will be the kind of thing you have to force yourself to do. It won't be easy. When you're that socially anxious cold-approaching a female will start to feel like you're about to get into a fist fight. I mean you'll have alot of the same chemicals flowing. You might feel so nervous and still so pumped afterwards that you feel like you can't even eat. The longer you wait to try it however, the worse it will get. The longer you wait to confront any fear the bigger the "demon" becomes, you know? My advice would be do it. ASAP. Go out and try it ten times in one day, like these guys say to do. If you get rejected every single time you'll be like a bada$$ boxer after a ten round fight where he might have lost by decision but he's still standing. Your head will be, to quote a poet ( don't know which one) , "... bloody , but unbowed". Metaphorically-speaking of course. Try it. It will help you get over your ex. And who knows you might get a number or two in the process. And that will definitely help you start getting over your ex.

~Dino

 

[kk2004]

idk

thx DinoCassanova for ur response.

Yeah Iv'e heard that the longer you wait to tackle your demons the bigger they become.

Your spot on with the fist fight analogy..thats exaclty how I feel...lol..looks like Ill be fist fighting everyday minus the bloody nose.

But honestly I feel like I could be in Iraq on a machine gun on a hummer and feel less nervous than apporaching..see if im walking with a friend and there is a girl he knows and she walking with us also...then its not that hard really..meaning I wont feel that much anxiety where the words wont come out of my mouth..the convo wont be that bad..

But say I see a hottie by herself somewhere or as theres no way for her to connect her to me...when we are complete strangers then it becomes a very..very.scary thing to just open up convo.

I was reading some Social Anxiety self help books and my counceler in college and they usually say that slow exposure is usually the best way to reduce the anxiety, rather than jumping in head first becuase sometimes than can leave you feeling even worse if you come back with a bad experience.

The biggest reason why I still remeber her is that I did things with her that I did them with nobody... I mean not even my guy friends..

Things like BBQ parties...beaches..exclusive restaurants..never been to places or did those type of things...places with a purpsoe even...like I had never gone to the mall with a girl..now I had a gf to sit down and eat with...I had a person to hold hands with...all new stuff. I had never been to a fair...or a food festival..

Its like taking a kid from the ghetto and showing him a mansion them kicking him out...

So life is pretty boring for me know....I miss that excitement..
I had never been to a movie theather with a girl before her...I had never been in the same car with a girl before her...I had never like stood on the side of the road and hold a girl in my arms and kiss her....sh*t like that..

It was very exciting..doing new things and going places I had never seen....I mostly stay home all the time or go to school and rarely get to see much of the world around me.. maybe its my fault...but I really dont have people to go explore the world with!



Like it was all new territory...I guess it happens to all of us.

 

[DinoCassanova]

I had never been to a movie theather with a girl before her...I had never been in the same car with a girl before her...I had never like stood on the side of the road and hold a girl in my arms and kiss her....sh*t like that


>>> Well, welcome to life as a heterosexual man, and no longer a boy. You've made the step. You've now gained some real life experience. Remember the good times, take what you learned from that relationship and keep it in mind for the next one. If you were happy when you were w/your ex, then it wasn't wasted time; no regrets. As for moving slow, if your counselor tells you to move slow, then go that way. But just don't move so slow that you stop moving. Trying 10 cold approaches in 1 day for a really nervous socially anxious guy is probably a bit much, you're right. But either way keep in mind that trying to move a bit , to make some moves rather, is something that you want to do. Pick a day, dress up a little bit, feel confident about the way you look , etc., and just go out there and try it a little. Even once or twice would be a great step. ~Dino

 

[kk2004]

ic

When you say make some moves what do you mean?

Like If I see a girl sitting by herself that I go and talk to her?

 

[DinoCassanova]

If you feel comfortable in the situation, I would say definitely go for it. That's what I meant by "make some moves". And it doesn't necessarily even have to be anything fancy the first couple times out; basically all you want to do is get a feel for cold approaching. If you start trying to memorize openers and "routines", etc etc, you're just going to either come off as a fake type guy who's full of lines (because you're not comfortably using them yet), or just uncomfortable and awkward because you're too busy thinking, "ok, now what's my response to this kind of comment supposed to be???" Just go up to one , if you see her somewhere and you feel like you want to try, go up to her and say "Hey what's up, how are you?" in a nice pleasant sounding voice. Don't try too hard to act like Mr.Mack or anything, you know? And see what happens. I would say 95% of humans, women OR men, are not going to respond negatively or cruelly to something like that. Why should they?? They'll just figure you're a sociable extroverted type of person, if they "figure" anything at all. Most will just respond by saying, "Fine" , or "not bad", or whatever, and some will ask "what about you?" , and then you have yourself a little convo opened there the easy way, w/out all the opening lines, "situational" openers, "routines", etc etc. Those kinds of things are mostly , in MY opinion at least, ideally meant for use in bar or club-type situations, not so much on the street in the middle of daily life.

 

[kk2004]

ic

Well..thanx dino...

Yeah appraoching is tough...and yeah I didnt plan on using any advanced openers or routines...just a simple hi...when Im in a comfortable zone

But meeting people and esp girls like this is a hit or miss...

I want to first get to know alot of people...develop a large social circle at first..where they are comfortable enough to call me their friend...and when we are cozy...then I can grow and network myself around campus....this way I can automatically meet girls without having to apporach.

But I first have to get good enough with my social skills and control my anxiety and self esteem issues where I can be buddy, buddy and be friends with guys around my campus who have social value...and that means having to up mine...I guess its a step by step process..