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Tricky Situation

Modro

Senior Don Juan
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Hi Guys,

I've got myself it a real tricky situation and i'm really struggling with the whole thing, i'm hoping to write it all down and by getting some impartial advise it will help.

Quick overview, I met a girl, we were together for 3 years absolutely perfect, but we split up as she kept struggling to get a keep a job and was a little bit jealous at the time, i was just turning 30 and felt i needed to be single for a bit too (After about 10 months being single we got back together again, she basically was always there wanting me still). In the time I was single i slept with a few people but didn't feel it was worth it. There was one i liked but an ex was causing her grief at the time and so i cut ties at that time to steer clear of the drama, this led to me feeling like i owed her as she was a close friend and we get on really well.

After getting back with my ex it was all going good and we started to save for a house, but a couple of times i got drunk and cheated on her with the girl who i had cut ties with I felt horrific but i couldn't stop doing it every 2-3 months, eventually we got a house and she wanted to have a baby in the future. Due to my guilt i kinda turned my back on the idea and after about 10 months of not really dealing with the relationship she moved out. Well the other girl was always wanting to be with me and i felt led me to be with her and I eventually i started seeing her, but since the ex moved out i have been really struggling with the whole situation and I've broken down a few times. My mind doesn't switch off and my gut has been thinking let her go; to no way you should let someone go who loves you that much as you will regret it.

I feel not only have i cheated on her which isn't something i wouldn't do, but we were together for 6 years building towards something sacrificing holidays to buy a house then i self sabotaged it. We have been separated about 6 months now and i still feel just awful and time is running out if i ever want to save it as i have to either sort buying out her share of the house. She has waited for me never given up on me and loves me unconditionally, she mentions that I've probably been with another girl but just wants to be with me. She never complained and is genuinely so loyal and nice person.

I'm so up and down and i cant seem to bring my self to make a decision either way, my options are:

End it with current girl, she says she loves me, we get on great but we have also been so up and down. I feel i haven't dealt with my ex properly and this girl is a road block from finding out if we could make it or not. She has been very understanding but i feel like such a snake and guilt and like a took a short cut.

Kill it completely with the ex and sort the house out and move on with the new girl

My take so far is i have a ****ed up situation i'm feeling awful, i'm really worried that if i give up on the ex fully that will be the biggest mistake,is it just guilt?

Any ideas on the best way to sort this out.
 

2Rocky

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What's the matter? Don't think you can attract another one as good?

Go talk to a counselor...
 

Ohso-Phresh

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
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Hi Guys,

I've got myself it a real tricky situation and i'm really struggling with the whole thing, i'm hoping to write it all down and by getting some impartial advise it will help.

Quick overview, I met a girl, we were together for 3 years absolutely perfect, but we split up as she kept struggling to get a keep a job and was a little bit jealous at the time, i was just turning 30 and felt i needed to be single for a bit too (After about 10 months being single we got back together again, she basically was always there wanting me still). In the time I was single i slept with a few people but didn't feel it was worth it. There was one i liked but an ex was causing her grief at the time and so i cut ties at that time to steer clear of the drama, this led to me feeling like i owed her as she was a close friend and we get on really well.

After getting back with my ex it was all going good and we started to save for a house, but a couple of times i got drunk and cheated on her with the girl who i had cut ties with I felt horrific but i couldn't stop doing it every 2-3 months, eventually we got a house and she wanted to have a baby in the future. Due to my guilt i kinda turned my back on the idea and after about 10 months of not really dealing with the relationship she moved out. Well the other girl was always wanting to be with me and i felt led me to be with her and I eventually i started seeing her, but since the ex moved out i have been really struggling with the whole situation and I've broken down a few times. My mind doesn't switch off and my gut has been thinking let her go; to no way you should let someone go who loves you that much as you will regret it.

I feel not only have i cheated on her which isn't something i wouldn't do, but we were together for 6 years building towards something sacrificing holidays to buy a house then i self sabotaged it. We have been separated about 6 months now and i still feel just awful and time is running out if i ever want to save it as i have to either sort buying out her share of the house. She has waited for me never given up on me and loves me unconditionally, she mentions that I've probably been with another girl but just wants to be with me. She never complained and is genuinely so loyal and nice person.

I'm so up and down and i cant seem to bring my self to make a decision either way, my options are:

End it with current girl, she says she loves me, we get on great but we have also been so up and down. I feel i haven't dealt with my ex properly and this girl is a road block from finding out if we could make it or not. She has been very understanding but i feel like such a snake and guilt and like a took a short cut.

Kill it completely with the ex and sort the house out and move on with the new girl

My take so far is i have a ****ed up situation i'm feeling awful, i'm really worried that if i give up on the ex fully that will be the biggest mistake,is it just guilt?

Any ideas on the best way to sort this out.
Stop drinking, it leads to poor life decisions. If you are drinking to get drunk, there are bigger problems in your life.

If you are self-sabotaging, you need to work on your self-esteem.

There is a possible you that can have it all, the current you isn’t capable of it for you are demonstrating out-of-integrity behavior.

Most likely you are using women for self-validation.
 

Glassguy

Master Don Juan
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OP- you caused all of this.

You know the ex that you cheated on is a way better option than the chick that you were screwing around with but you totally sabotaged the good in the relationship.

So it makes no sense to try and have a "relationship" with the chick you were screwing since you know there is not much chance of it being a good relationship.

When you cheated on her it wasnt a mistake, it was a choice.

She made her choice to leave you as well.

The only advice I can give is to keep seeing more women and hope that another one comes along that is better than what you p!ssed away.
 

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Black Widow Void

Master Don Juan
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Normally, when I offer advice (which is based from personal experience) I'll say that this worked for me but your mileage may vary. This time, however, I think my advice is one-size-fits-all.

I cheated on a gal back when I was 21 (I was drunk and slept with her best friend). After sobering up, I felt tremendous guilt. I knew that if I told my (then) girlfriend about this, I could rid myself of this painful guilt. But... would I be doing this innocent girl any favors? Not at all. Instead, I would have been thinking only of myself again (transferring my pain on to her). Instead, I made up some unrelated explaination and broke up with her . I missed her like crazy and didn't like myself for quite a long time. This incident occurred over thirty years ago and I still say that it was the best damage-control decision I could have made (for her benefit) .

Best advice I can offer is the same advice I followed.

If you actually do love her, then do not involve yourself with her.
 

bat soup

Don Juan
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Maybe the best thing you could do would be to go on a long journey by yourself for a few months. Obviously, right now that's difficult, but it should give you the chance to clear your head and figure out what you want because you seem confused.
 

gravityeyelids

Master Don Juan
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You just want what you don't have and you're making the "idea" of her bigger than your mind than her as an actual person. And you probably don't have enough love for yourself to be comfortable without a person who "needs" you, so you just like her for the validation.

You're just going to keep cheating on her and then getting bored of her. Why put her (or yourself) through that? You guys don't have a future together. You can't be trusted and you don't love yourself enough to make this work. In all likelyhood, you're going to both convince yourself that it's "right" when it's really not, except the difference a few years down the road will be that you'll be engaged/married, have your money tied up in a house, and potentially a kid on the way that is going to have a **** childhood when he dad gets bored of it and fvcks other women.

You honestly don't sound like you should be in a LTR right now. Ditch the girls and work on yourself. Sleep with women for fun, but don't lead them on. Get into therapy and self-help and meditation and become a strong, centered man, and then think about building a family. There is no rush to this. You need to know what you want and you need to love yourself and be able to trust yourself. Because right now you don't.
 
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