Tricky situation, 2 ways to play it...

[LikerOfWomen]

I'm currently interested in a girl who is giving me a lot of "sorry I'm way overloaded with work" type excuses for being unavailable for dates. I know she's telling the truth about being really busy, but I am a bit worried about the lack of enthusiam it shows. However, she does seem to go out of her way to keep me from taking "I'm busy" personally. She excessively explains herself and promises to hang out soon. When we do get together (we have a few times, in less hectic weeks), she seems to really have fun.

It seems to me that there are two ways to play this, and I'm not sure which is better:

Option 1: I could continue to frequently ask her out, getting "I'm too busy" often, but probably finding a good time when she's not.

Positives: This seems like more of an active approach, making moves to show her that I'm interested, that I know what I want, that I have initiative.

Negatives: It might be interpreted as neediness rather than persistence. I don't want to establish a pattern of her telling me she can't and feeling bad and apologizing for it, when she honestly is just too busy. It seems that would get her in the habit of telling me no, and I'd get associated in her mind with feelings of guilt instead of excitement. Plus, every time I ask her without getting a yes I give up a little bit of challenge credit.

Option 2: I could avoid asking her unless I'm really sure her schedule will let her say yes.

Positives: I'd avoid the negatives of Option 1, and probably be more likely to get her to do something with me more quickly.

Negatives: This approach kind of risks seeming too passive and casual and I might miss great opportunities to do something fun with her. It's a kind of a wimpy sensitive nice-guy thing to do, showing that I respect her time by giving up something I want (fun with her) to let her indulge in her workaholism...

I'm totally stuck deciding between these two opposing strategies. Any experienced DJs out there have advice?

(By the way, don't say to forget her and look for someone who's less busy. There's no chance I'll do that. On a scale of 1 to 10 this girl has a 9 face, an 11 body, and a 15 personality, and I won't give up unless I know for sure she's not interested. In the meantime, I have the patience to take the best approach even if it's slower.)

 

[Wiesman44]

U have one-itis. I always think the girl is absolutely amazing with one-itis. How old are you ? If your in college, she prolly just doesnt have time / want to deal with an LTR.

 

[flexion_]

"By the way, don't say to forget her and look for someone who's less busy. There's no chance I'll do that. On a scale of 1 to 10 this girl has a 9 face, an 11 body, and a 15 personality, and I won't give up unless I know for sure she's not interested. In the meantime, I have the patience to take the best approach even if it's slower."

Sorry can't help you.

 

[LikerOfWomen]

Yeah, I'm in college.

Look, if I find out she's not interested, I'll go try someone else. But I think there's a good chance she's interested, and I'm looking for how to play my cards right if that's the case.

This girl has the coolest personality I've ever met and one of the best bodies. I'll move to someone else if I have to, but to me this one's worth making damn sure I've given it my best shot. I'm looking for advice on how to do that, not advice not to do that.

 

[Wiesman44]

Does she know you want her ? B/c if she's somewhat oblivious to it, then showing her will help A LOT. Based on your above response, being busy is ALWAYS a death sentence. Look, there's no reason why she wouldnt be able to squeeze a quick lunch or dinner at the dining hall in with you. ANything to spend a little time. Any girl that is busy is just too shy to reject you. She's not going to tell you, I dont like you, move on. Its not hwo the game works, its more of a guessing game to determine IL if she doesnt show a lot of signs. But chances are, if she wanted you, she would have jumped all over you.

Seems like this girl is an HB 9 or 10 thats used to the attention. I would act confident and more dominant around her. I wouldn't base my schedule around her. I would say look, we're going to dinner at 8 on Thursday. If you don't come, i'm not asking you again. That'll throw things into perspective quick.

 

[christz]

Originally posted by LikerOfWomen
Yeah, I'm in college.

Look, if I find out she's not interested, I'll go try someone else. But I think there's a good chance she's interested, and I'm looking for how to play my cards right if that's the case.

This girl has the coolest personality I've ever met and one of the best bodies. I'll move to someone else if I have to, but to me this one's worth making damn sure I've given it my best shot. I'm looking for advice on how to do that, not advice not to do that.

man i said the SAME thing when i had a SERIOUS case of oneitis.

tell you what, this is what you should do. instead of planning out a battle strategy and getting together a war plan.. with options and both negative and positive reactions.

why don't you just say..

"hey, just wondering if you wanted to chill on thursday"

if her answer is

"yeah that be cool, just gimme a call though like on wensday to make sure"

then she's bullsh*tin you, the reason she says to call her on wensday to make sure is because she wants time to make up an excuse.

if she says..

"yeah that be cool"

then take her up on that day, and if she bails on you at the last minute she's flaky and THAT IS A RED FLAG that her intrest level isn't where you think it is.. in fact the more persistant you are the worse it gets.

if she says

"Yeah that's cool, what time you gonna be here"

that's probably a good sign that she wants to hang out and she'll make sure she's ready at the time you say.

If you get any bullcrap excuse with, i'm to busy, i gotta do homework, MY FRIEND is coming over (god forbid one day away from a person you see everyday) or anything like that..

NEXT

 

[LikerOfWomen]

Look, there's no reason why she wouldnt be able to squeeze a quick lunch or dinner at the dining hall in with you. ANything to spend a little time. Any girl that is busy is just too shy to reject you. She's not going to tell you, I dont like you, move on.

That's what I'd normally guess, but this girl is unusually straightforward and says she takes pride in being willing to say what she means. Of course that can't be totally true and she speaks in code like all the others, but the point is she's not shy, and she'd be morely likely than most to let me know point blank if she's not interested.

Instead, when she gives me the just busy excuse I react like it doesn't bother and I don't care, but she goes out of her way anyway to insist that I shouldn't take it personally and she really is just too busy and wants to do something when she's not.

If she was shy, I'd take it as a veiled rejection for sure. But she seems like the opposite of the kind of girl who'd do that--she'd be more likely to say, "sorry, not into you, tough luck, get over it," rather than taking the shy route.

if she says..

"yeah that be cool"

then take her up on that day, and if she bails on you at the last minute she's flaky and THAT IS A RED FLAG that her intrest level isn't where you think it is.. in fact the more persistant you are the worse it gets.

This has already sort of happened, but again in a more confusing way.

Her initial yes wasn't a "yeah that'd be cool," it was an enthusiastic "hell YEAH!!!!!" Then a couple days later when the time came around she bailed--too busy and tired. And she was very busy and tired.

In that particular case I asked her again a few days later and she said yes, didn't bail, and we had a really fun time. She thanked me when I was dropping her off and repeatedly and enthusiastically said how much fun she'd had...

If you get any bullcrap excuse with, i'm to busy, i gotta do homework,

Well, those aren't bullcrap excuses. ("My friend is coming over" is.) At most colleges, "i gotta do homework," is kinda like, "i gotta paint my ferret's toenails for President's Day," but this is one of those schools that only accepts overachieving workaholics and most of the professors are sadistic slavemasters. A girl who was really into me a few years ago once pulled two consecutive all-nighters doing homework--during Thanksgiving break!

 

[Wiesman44]

I don't think you've had much experience with women, but I could be wrong. No matter how she says it, if she fails to make time with you, constantly says she's busy, or busy and tired, it means she doesn't want to see you ! Who cares how up front she is ? Its her personality. All women attempt to reject in different ways, yet they are all similar in a way.

Quit giving excuses for her excuses. Just ask her out once more and thats final. You will know for certain after that.

 

[huge_guy_pimpin]

im busy, means, get out of my face i dont like you, in woman talk,
and you asking her even 1 more time is retarded,
get a life, do what u gotta do, but forget this chick, u being a loser, theres other women, cause this one obviously dont want u


YOU ARE HARRASING HER.

 

[huge_guy_pimpin]

Originally posted by LikerOfWomen

Well, those aren't bullcrap excuses. ("My friend is coming over" is.) At most colleges, "i gotta do homework," is kinda like, "i gotta paint my ferret's toenails for President's Day," but this is one of those schools that only accepts overachieving workaholics and most of the professors are sadistic slavemasters. A girl who was really into me a few years ago once pulled two consecutive all-nighters doing homework--during Thanksgiving break!

no she didnt, she just didnt wanna hang out with a you

 

[huge_guy_pimpin]

Originally posted by LikerOfWomen

In that particular case I asked her again a few days later and she said yes, didn't bail, and we had a really fun time. She thanked me when I was dropping her off and repeatedly and enthusiastically said how much fun she'd had...

this was your chance to get a lay, and u obviously missed it.

 

[Aru]

Haha. I have the same sort of situation over here. Dated a girl 4 times, had challenge up the wazoo, she was really into me. Made out for an hour and a half on 4th date.

Let her know sometime after the 4th date that I think she's very pretty. Must have had an 'Aha! I win!' effect on her because after that she stopped calling me so much. We haven't gone out in 4 weeks because of busy schedules (me going home a couple of weekends, thanksgiving break, etc), and she stopped IMing me so much.

Recently when I talk to her she seems 'very busy'. I asked her out for this evening and she told me she 'already has plans'.

ME: I'm free this evening, we can hang out you know.
(I meant to say 'afternoon', I'm going to a party tonight, but she doesn't know)
HER: I've already got plans for tonight
HER: but I don't know when I'll get back
HER: hmm
HER: I'll call you when I get back, and if you're free, we'll do something.
ME: Yeah......no.
HER: No?
ME: I'm not stupid dear
HER: I know your not! What do you mean?
ME: I'm not going to be around sitting and waiting for you to call me. (I'll be at the party)
HER: I didn't expect you to! I just didn't want to call at like midnight and it be too late for you.
HER: I promise I'll be home by 10
ME: So you're saying you're going to cut your plans short to be home by 10pm, so that I can call you and we can go out?
HER: Absolutely
ME: Alright then, I accept your offer.
HER: mmkay.

I feel like I played this wrong. I feel weird about changing her plans, like I twisted her arm into it or something. But I guess I'll cut the party short and take this chick out. After that, regardless of how bad/good things go tonight, I'm taking a break from this whole thing.

Going to focus on improving myself and my life for the next month or so, theres some shyte I gotta get together.

 

[smooth666]

Go for option 2!

 

[Engetsu]

Listen up.

Don't be insulted when you are accused of oneitis. Oneitis is when you only have eyes for ONE girl, which isn't that bad if the girl is really worth your time and you might end up marrying her, but if you really want to develop as a DJ and be able to get any woman that you want, you need to experiment with a variety of women.

What does that mean? That means, waiting until the girl of your dreams is available is UNACCEPTABLE, just like in your case.

This is why you should forget about her until her schedule frees up, and if what you say about her is true, SHE'LL be the one calling you to tell you she wants to hang out. In the meantime, you need to go out there and perfect yourself until your game is top-notch, that way you'll seduce your 15-personality girl even better.

 

[Wyldfire]

She's not available right now. Sounds like she's just too busy to give you what you're looking for from her. You should tell her that you'd be interested in dating her if her life ever calms down and she actually has time to give to someone else. This is a time when you probably should offer to maintain a friendship with her, getting together as friends whenever her schedule permits. You CAN do this as long as you are upfront about your intentions and that you would like more when she's more available. It does sound like she is interested and just has too much on her plate at the moment. Date other people and don't get your heart set on this woman. She might never be available to the extent you want her to be, so don't hold out and put all your eggs in one basket.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

I've been in the same situation as you.
Maybe it's totally true--maybe she IS too busy right now. But you should ask yourself something...do you really want to keep pursuing a chick who is as busy as this? Kinda sounds like a turnoff.

And what you said is correct...continuing to ask, and continuing to get rejected by her makes you seem needy and inconfident. You need to tell HER that YOU ARE busy (even if you aren't).

You're quote "By the way, don't say to forget her and look for someone who's less busy...I won't give up unless I know for sure she's not interested. In the meantime, I have the patience to take the best approach even if it's slower" is going to kill your chances in the long run. Ironic as it is, if you want to suceed with her, then you need to get into the mindset where she ISN'T that important to you. Otherwise, you will waste a lot of time and energy for nothing, until eventually the situation spirals down to an infamous "LJBF" scenario.

An 11 body? A 15 personality? On a 1-10 scale? HOLY ****! Stop deceiving yourself!

 

[LikerOfWomen]

It's interesting to see the variety of advice offered here.

Look, here's the deal. I'm going to "NEXT" her if and when I find out she's not interested. Nobody here has all the details or understands the magnitude of work at this school; don't tell me you know she's not interested, because you don't. Sure, it's a possibility. And I'm going to find out. But I'm not going to jump to the conclusion because someone here tells me to.

I also know that the best way to find out is by seeing how she reacts to advances (kino, etc) in person when we're out together. I'm more likely to get a good response that way than I am if I just send an IM, "look, do you like me or not?" Given how impressive girl is, I'm going to give myself the best chance of success and try to advance things in person when I'm making her laugh and feel good, which I'm good at.

What I am looking for is advice on how to maximize my odds in the meantime--whether to be persistent or make myself scarce while she's busy prepping for finals and such.

I'm interested in thinking strategically about how to win a girl over who's really attractive and really fun to be with and talk to. I don't like ditzy bimbos; I like intelligent and interesting girls and I'm out to get one, not just to bounce around asking ten girls a night til I find one easy enough to sleep with me... the "NEXTing addiction" approach. That one won't get me what I really want. This one might. So forget telling me to have someone else's goals.

I'm looking only for advice on how to improve my odds, not a bunch of jerks telling me to give up. I'll give up if and when the time's right and this is not it. Thank you to those of you who gave some helpful advice.

 

[Engetsu]

I understand where you're coming from, however, there's a detail you got wrong. You really do take it the wrong way when everyone here says "next".

1- At this point, it does not matter if she is interested or not.
2- The girl is busy with finals. Even if she was interested, you'd have to wait.
3- You want to wait around for a busy girl.

What you need to do is next her and come back to her later, when she is less busy. But in the meantime, to protect your heart, you should try something else. If it is not in your habits to do that, because hopping from girl to girl isn't in most people habits (including mine, I like to resolve an issue completely before moving on), then wait around.

However, if she turns up not being interested after all this time, you're going to have REALLY wasted your time. That's why the best choice is to not take any risks and move on for a little while.

Don't say you weren't warned

 

[LikerOfWomen]

The time frame I'm looking at for finals etc is a week or two. And I do pass the time by going out with another girl--that's a whole different story and has plenty of complications itself, etc. Not going into it here but it's definitely not total 1-itis. 2-itis maybe, for now.

My basic point is that I don't need advice about whether or not to pursue this girl, I'll keep that figured out on my own--I'm just asking about strategic specifics.

 

[Wyldfire]

LikerofWomen...listen closely...

The woman doesn't have the TIME to give you that you want, will expect and ultimately deserve. Tell her you'd like to date her when her plate isn't quite so full and maintain a friendship with her/build rapport until such a time as she is more able to devote some time to a relationship. At this point it's NOT an interest issue...it's simply a case of her being UNAVAILABLE due to being too busy. It's a little different than having a boyfriend or being married or what not, but being unavailable is STILL being unavailable. No amount of work on your part is going to change her obligations, responsibilities and what is going on in HER life. You can't control that and you never will be. If you continue the way you're thinking you are only going to get frustrated and ultimately will damage whatever potential is there for the future. You just shouldn't go there.