Transitioning To Rapport

[SinJester]

Hey guys, quick question.

Say you are vibing with a girl, or are 'friends' with her but there's some attraction, how do you transition into deeper rapport without it seeming weird.

Rapport is where the moneys at, you can really make her feel. I used to be great at this but I've lost it. I don't want to jump in out of no where with questions like "so, tell me yours dreams". Or "What do you fear the most?"

Suggestions?

 

[The Master Disaster]

If you're hanging out with a girl and some friends, just break away.

Grab her hand and lead her to more of a secluded space where you and she can get more intimate.

And this whole weird b.s. is stupid. It was a big eye opener for me when I realized women who like you will never think anything you do will be weird.
(With in reason, you start saying you like riding unicorns to lollipop land; you'll have pepper spray in your eyes and a girl screaming before you know it.)

But think about it, think of all the women in your life who you were attracted to, and they came to you and asked you to go somewhere secluded. Would that seem weird? Yep, women are the same way.

 

[Sandow]

First off, always go with your gut. If it doesn't feel like the right time, it probably isn't.

But your're right, rapport is very poweful. I use it only when the context is right. For example, if we're at a loud bar and laughing away, I'm not just going to ask a deep personal question.

That being said, the context should be appropiate, you shouldn't be in a C&F mood, but rather a more serious coversation. When you find you are, the convo will take its course. One question will lead to a deeper question.

Environments that work for me are times when you are alone. Walking alone somewhere, like through a park, along the beach, or really anywhere where its quiet. Another good time is in bed, if you ever get there. Girls will really open up in bed for some reason.

So your frame should start light, then gradually get into deeper questions. personally I don't like using a lot of deep rapport. If you're talking about the deep, personal questions, that's not really my sytle. I'll get into those convo's rarely, but everyones character is different. i just do what works for me.

Also one last point, don't overdue rapport. There is a time and place for it, but for the most part you wanna seem like a lot of fun, rather than really serious. I'm sure you know this, but just a side note, keep it to a minimum. Just a few times works.

 

[SinJester]

Cheers guys.

I'm kind of talking about more transitioning into relationships rather than a random hookup. No way would I try to go into deep rapport in that situation, or at a party etc.

So say I've been having fun with a girl for awhile, but haven't ended up in the bedroom yet, I'm looking for some ways to transition into rapport. I don't know about you guys but from experience I've really managed to use that with a lot of success. I just lost touch with how to get there because I haven't used it in so long. It makes the girl feel 'seen, like you know her and she gets attached to that. I see it as powerful so I wouldn't do it with a girl I'm not really interested in. In any case I enjoy having connections with people.

Any examples of how I could slowly lead into it?

 

[slaog]

Maybe having the same outlook in life as the girl or maybe accepting her outlook instead of resisting it. Accepting is different then pretending you hold the same views.


Heres what Wikipedia says about it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapport

Rapport is one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective, being in "sync", being on the same "wavelength" as the person with whom you are talking.

There are a number of techniques that are supposed to be beneficial in building rapport such as: matching your body language (ie, posture, gesture, and so forth); maintaining eye contact; and matching breathing rhythm. Some of these techniques are explored in neuro-linguistic programming.

A classic if unusual example of rapport can be found in the book Uncommon Therapy by Jay Haley (ISBN 0-393-31031-0), about the psychotherapeutic intervention techniques of Milton Erickson. Erickson developed the ability to enter the world view of his patients and, from that vantage point (having established rapport), he was able to make extremely effective interventions (to help his patients overcome life problems).

Informally, rapport can also refer to a feeling of harmonious connection between people or groups of people.

I'd imagine that Erickson talked about the things people liked or talked about things that were important to the people.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...So say I've been having fun with a girl for awhile, but haven't ended up in the bedroom yet, I'm looking for some ways to transition into rapport. ...

That's a huge jump going from rapport to the bedroom. Typically you can't bed a woman unless she's at least comfortable with you. Then there's that nastly little thing called attraction. Perhaps forgetting those two is causing your problem.

 

[Sandow]

Well, then I think she needs to find more of a connection with you. When we say rapport, its definition is so broad. Just laughing way cracking jokes can be considered rapport too.

At the point where you are right now, you need to make her laugh, use kino, etc. you know the drill. And then when the convo is light and the mood is good, transition into disclosures. Have her reveal some personal info about herself and you must agree with it (or at least find something that you agree with). This includes the "really, me too!"...."No way, I loved Rome too!"..."That's funny, I'm crazy about salsa dancing too!"

This is where you guys connect, and she'll feel that connection. The more you and her reveal, the better the connection and the more attached she will get if done right. But I'm kinda concerned that you haven't done this yet. This should be one of the first sparks you guys have when first meeting each other. Anyhow, if you haven't gotten to this stage, do it soon. Hope that helped

 

[SinJester]

That's a huge jump going from rapport to the bedroom. Typically you can't bed a woman unless she's at least comfortable with you. Then there's that nastly little thing called attraction. Perhaps forgetting those two is causing your problem.

No. Assume I have both.

My posts always seem to get caught up with semantics. Not just rapport but deep rapport. Wait, scrap that. Connection.

Guys thanks but I've been around here for years. I know all about kino, attraction etc

I'm just trying to think of ways to deepen my connection with the women in my life. Deeper than just commonalities. It's not with people I just met either, because then I would just be focusing on having fun! I not I'm on sosuave but I'm not looking to just get laid. You don't need any of this for one night stands.

I think you guys can offer some great advice, that's why I'm asking. Perhaps I didn't ask my question right initially? I guess 'transitioning into rapport' hints at the Mystery Method and approaching.

 

[Jitterbug]

I just keep a few things in mind:

- Treat her as if you've known each other for a long time. I don't ask friends I've known for ages probing questions.

- Just talk about stuff that are happening in our lives, like old friends do. If a connection can be made, it will happen.

- Focus on feelings & emotions, not facts. This is where it differs between me talking to guys and talking to girls.

- Don't try too hard to go for the "deep & meaningful" BS. She has to be comfortable with you first before you escalate it.

- Don't try too hard to think of interesting & deep things to talk about. Instead, find out the interesting & deep parts of the normal things you encounter everyday and talk about them. This is how you bring another person into your world and let her see things through your perspectives. She will learn something new from you and she will be encouraged to let you into her world.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...
I'm just trying to think of ways to deepen my connection with the women in my life. Deeper than just commonalities. ....

So since you guys are already comfortable with one another, why doesn't these things come up? You keep talking about deep rapport, rapport is just the surface stuff; the stuff that allows you to get along. The connection that you're looking for is like you said, deeper. That's why I ask, if you are so comfortable together, what is keeping either of you from bringing up the important stuff?

 

[Rounder]

- Treat her as if you've known each other for a long time. I don't ask friends I've known for ages probing questions.

- Don't try too hard to go for the "deep & meaningful" BS. She has to be comfortable with you first before you escalate it.

I think those 2 statements are golden.

The first one - I hadn't thought of treating a girl like this on the first couple of dates, or even a girl I don't know, although this is what I have tried to mimic somewhat.

Treating them as you've known them for a long time keeps you loose, comfortable, funny and most importantly as yourself. If you feel pressure to say the right thing and do the right thing - keeping a mindset that you've known each other a long time would probably help remove that.


The 2nd statement - Trying to be deep and meaningful at the wrong time will just look bad. Take things for what they are. Find ways to connect, find similarities, ask about her background, childhood, where she grew up, family, etc, these types of conversations can innocently lead to a more meaningful conversation. The transition from surface talk to something deeper should be seamless, don't let her realize what she's done.

In relation to the 2nd statement - I think you have to know yourself well, you have to have something meaningful to talk about as well, what moves you? what kind of topics create strong emotions in you? What things are you opinionated about? If you aren't in touch with this side of yourself then creating a meaningful conversation with her will be more difficult.

 

[slaog]

- Treat her as if you've known each other for a long time. I don't ask friends I've known for ages probing questions.

Thats a good point. Theres nothing worse then going on a date and feeling like you're in an interview.

 

[SinJester]

Cheers guys!

I'm pretty good at getting girls comfortable with me, unless I screw up somewhere. However it's all jokes and play with me, I need to go deeper.

Francisco d'Anconia came up with something important:

That's why I ask, if you are so comfortable together, what is keeping either of you from bringing up the important stuff?

There it is guys. Maybe I shouldn't be asking how to do it, but why aren't I? I used to have strong connections and deep relationships with girls, both just friends and girls that were attracted to me. For some reason I stopped, I think it was because I got hurt, and then I was scared to get close to people.

I really don't want you guys to get the impression that I'm a wussy guy spilling my feelings to everyone. I swung the other way for a long time, and I screwed a lot up by being ****y and funny all the time. Now I've came to realize that vulnerability is great in the context of masculine strength.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Francisco d'Anconia came up with something important:

That's why I ask, if you are so comfortable together, what is keeping either of you from bringing up the important stuff?

There it is guys. Maybe I shouldn't be asking how to do it, but why aren't I? I used to have strong connections and deep relationships with girls, both just friends and girls that were attracted to me. For some reason I stopped, I think it was because I got hurt, and then I was scared to get close to people.

Makes perfect sense especially since you've been able to do it in the past. You've just lessened the extent to which you are comfortable with women. You get comfortable, just not that comfortable.

I really don't want you guys to get the impression that I'm a wussy guy spilling my feelings to everyone. I swung the other way for a long time, and I screwed a lot up by being ****y and funny all the time. Now I've came to realize that vulnerability is great in the context of masculine strength.

Consider this, it's not necessarily vulnerability which makes men more attractive to women; perhaps it just their capacity to emote their feelings without emasculating themselves.

 

[Allurre]

You have to get creative and probe deeper into her. I'm actually releasing the "Purple Key".. a question game I've designed and used to my own advantages throughout my years of dating.. it'll exactly keep a steady rapport afloat.

I'll let you know more about it soon..