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Transforming Myself into The Cool Person

HaleyBaron

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This weekend I experienced something that threw me for a loop. I had become lax in my social circle game. By that, I mean I have been rolling along simply on my looks and my communication. Then this weekend I noticed that I was left out of all fun parties by others. Came to find out that I am not as well liked as I thought. I am not in the tight knit circles, and as a result I was left out of the big parties that were happening at the event I went to. The worse thing about it is that I had one of my closest friends lie to my face that he could not find anything, then finding out through someone else he went to the parties he said he could not find. Also found out that several others were at that event, too, that I knew. I was upset, but I have gotten to the point of my life where I can hold it in and contemplate things. Don't act on impulse, reassess the situation, be patient in my conclusions.

I have come to realize that I have not really given anything to make myself higher in the social order of things. What I mean by this is: I am not someone who likes to chase a celebrity status. I am a very simple person who does not have much investment in expanding my social circle outside of my career. I don't need other's attention to validate my existence. Thing is, in order to go to all the cool parties and meet all the cool people and get access to hot girls, I have to effectively work on this aspect of my life. Looking at it this way, it makes sense why I was not invited to any of the cool stuff. I am not considered a cool person to be with. I do not provide anything that they will consider worth their time. Which is a little sad considering you have someone you called a friend who sees you that way. If I want to remedy this, I have to start investing in social networking. Liking people, following them, giving them some attention. Aka paying my dues.

And this is where my obstacle is. I really, really hate this high life style way of kissing ass to get up the ladder. It feels fake and pathetic more than anything. So maybe the solution is for me to become the guy who throws the parties. To change myself from the independent loner who is attractive into the fun goer who is attractive. Improve my social circle, gain followers. I have followers on social media, but it's not the same thing as having people who actually message or call you for things to do. That I feel should be my next goal. The other problem is that it also feels like a full time job to do which turns me off a little about it.

Has any of you been through a similar thing and what do you propose for a guy who never saw himself as a social persona that makes people go toward him. I have improved aspects about myself like my fashion sense, but it appears maybe my mindset on life is why I am not the "it" person I thought I was.
 

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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Going from nobody to limelight is quite a bit more common than you'd think, it happens a lot at these parties, I'm from a small town and if I go to a party there I'll have 40 people trying to talk to me all at once, however if I go to a party in my city I'm just a nobody, I prefer being a nobody.

The worst thing you can do is let it go to your head, don't ever say something to somebody you wouldn't just say to them otherwise, the second most get a taste for the limelight they start airing their grievances until they end up inevitably outside the lime light again and now people look at you different, this is why I say being in and out of the limelight is common.
 

BMX

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You could go buy a fake gold watch, attract fake women with it and then give them all fake orgasms. But I feel social dynamics will shift very big in the near-to-mid-future here. Lots of instability in the economy is coming down the pipe. Popularity out the window, skills and resources will bring people much more credibility and a desire to be around. Not facts, but what I can see going down. That high school herd mentality will get you killed and survival of the fittest would be the way forward. Toxic masculinity will be a massive plus, no need to bend backwards kissing ass ;)
 

ThisIsSparta

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Thing is, in order to go to all the cool parties and meet all the cool people and get access to hot girls, I have to effectively work on this aspect of my life.
You gonna do all that shiat just to get "hot girls"? You gonna make your life revolve around party and pvssy?

Why would you do that?
 
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HaleyBaron

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You gonna do all that shiat just to get "hot girls"? You gonna make your life revolve around party and pvssy?

Why would you do that?
I don't want to. That's the dillemma here. I've seen people like that who focus on that kind of life. It makes me wonder why they need so much validation from others so much to begin with. For me, it was moreso just to have more access to social situations with my peers. Though if most people are going to lie in my face like that, I might need to get rid of that circle of peers. Or rather keep them at arms length. Not the first time I have been burned, only this time I am more weathered against it through experience. More disappointed it happened rather than upset like I would have been ten years ago.
 

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ThisIsSparta

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I don't want to. That's the dillemma here. I've seen people like that who focus on that kind of life. It makes me wonder why they need so much validation from others so much to begin with. For me, it was moreso just to have more access to social situations with my peers. Though if most people are going to lie in my face like that, I might need to get rid of that circle of peers. Or rather keep them at arms length. Not the first time I have been burned, only this time I am more weathered against it through experience. More disappointed it happened rather than upset like I would have been ten years ago.
Just dont........ that pvssy is not worth investing so much time in kissing peoples ass to stay in their grace.

Maintaining social circles for the sole purpose of aquiring pvssy is overrated.

After all, lets say you do all these things and become an accepted member .... how much women can you pump & ghost before that social circle calls you out for that?
 

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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I don't want to. That's the dillemma here. I've seen people like that who focus on that kind of life. It makes me wonder why they need so much validation from others so much to begin with. For me, it was moreso just to have more access to social situations with my peers. Though if most people are going to lie in my face like that, I might need to get rid of that circle of peers. Or rather keep them at arms length. Not the first time I have been burned, only this time I am more weathered against it through experience. More disappointed it happened rather than upset like I would have been ten years ago.
People who feed into this constantly are narcissistic, there is no other way to put it, there is a line that exists where people perceive they are doing too much and take a step back, some can manage their image well enough to stay in the limelight without approaching the line but that is very skillful and maybe a natural skill that can't be taught or not easily.
 

HaleyBaron

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I rather maintain one for having someone who can provide resources, like enhancing my career and the like. I am not exactly wanting to go after that social circle for pvssy. Women are not the center of my world in any stretch of the imagination. I just enjoy having company that I do not get while grinding alone in my home with my career.
 

Modern Man Advice

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This weekend I experienced something that threw me for a loop. I had become lax in my social circle game. By that, I mean I have been rolling along simply on my looks and my communication. Then this weekend I noticed that I was left out of all fun parties by others. Came to find out that I am not as well liked as I thought. I am not in the tight knit circles, and as a result I was left out of the big parties that were happening at the event I went to. The worse thing about it is that I had one of my closest friends lie to my face that he could not find anything, then finding out through someone else he went to the parties he said he could not find. Also found out that several others were at that event, too, that I knew. I was upset, but I have gotten to the point of my life where I can hold it in and contemplate things. Don't act on impulse, reassess the situation, be patient in my conclusions.

I have come to realize that I have not really given anything to make myself higher in the social order of things. What I mean by this is: I am not someone who likes to chase a celebrity status. I am a very simple person who does not have much investment in expanding my social circle outside of my career. I don't need other's attention to validate my existence. Thing is, in order to go to all the cool parties and meet all the cool people and get access to hot girls, I have to effectively work on this aspect of my life. Looking at it this way, it makes sense why I was not invited to any of the cool stuff. I am not considered a cool person to be with. I do not provide anything that they will consider worth their time. Which is a little sad considering you have someone you called a friend who sees you that way. If I want to remedy this, I have to start investing in social networking. Liking people, following them, giving them some attention. Aka paying my dues.

And this is where my obstacle is. I really, really hate this high life style way of kissing ass to get up the ladder. It feels fake and pathetic more than anything. So maybe the solution is for me to become the guy who throws the parties. To change myself from the independent loner who is attractive into the fun goer who is attractive. Improve my social circle, gain followers. I have followers on social media, but it's not the same thing as having people who actually message or call you for things to do. That I feel should be my next goal. The other problem is that it also feels like a full time job to do which turns me off a little about it.

Has any of you been through a similar thing and what do you propose for a guy who never saw himself as a social persona that makes people go toward him. I have improved aspects about myself like my fashion sense, but it appears maybe my mindset on life is why I am not the "it" person I thought I was.
So much to digest here but let's start with this:

Those aren't your friends.

I know telling someone you're just simply not fun to be around is not easy but true friends, those who care about you will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Those people were intentionally ignoring you and leaving you out of their lives. Only invest your time and energy with people that can see your worth and are willing to go through thick and thin, not just for the good times. Because life, real life that is is not a big party.

Next, very proud of you for not reacting right away and keeping your emotions and actions in check. Key points, "Don't act on impulse, reassess the situation, be patient in my conclusions." That is major. Shows maturity. In my younger days, that wasn't the case and it never turned out well. With time I learned to get a handle on my emotions and thoughts and has served me well. Keep practicing that.

Last but not least, I truly admire you for introspecting and realizing you can improve and be a better man in that regard. The reality is, no one wants to be around someone that is simply not "fun" or "cool" or adds value to their lives. And perhaps, it is not that you are not fun or cool. Perhaps, you simply just don't show it on the outside or internally you are not having fun yourself. And I vote for the ladder. I think if you truly are enjoying yourself, people can feel that.

Maybe start with simply enjoying things on your own. And I mean fully enjoying things. Get a sense of what that feels like without the "social pressure".

Modern Man Advice
 

HaleyBaron

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So much to digest here but let's start with this:

Those aren't your friends.

I know telling someone you're just simply not fun to be around is not easy but true friends, those who care about you will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Those people were intentionally ignoring you and leaving you out of their lives. Only invest your time and energy with people that can see your worth and are willing to go through thick and thin, not just for the good times. Because life, real life that is is not a big party.

Next, very proud of you for not reacting right away and keeping your emotions and actions in check. Key points, "Don't act on impulse, reassess the situation, be patient in my conclusions." That is major. Shows maturity. In my younger days, that wasn't the case and it never turned out well. With time I learned to get a handle on my emotions and thoughts and has served me well. Keep practicing that.

Last but not least, I truly admire you for introspecting and realizing you can improve and be a better man in that regard. The reality is, no one wants to be around someone that is simply not "fun" or "cool" or adds value to their lives. And perhaps, it is not that you are not fun or cool. Perhaps, you simply just don't show it on the outside or internally you are not having fun yourself. And I vote for the ladder. I think if you truly are enjoying yourself, people can feel that.

Maybe start with simply enjoying things on your own. And I mean fully enjoying things. Get a sense of what that feels like without the "social pressure".

Modern Man Advice
Good points. I've been simply doing things more on my own in social settings. I go out to places by myself or I go enjoy a nightly drink by myself. I get people who ask if I'm by myself and I tend to tell them yes. Then suddenly they invite me to hang out with them. So it's good to know there's still ways for me to socialize if I have to. But I am learning to just enjoy things on my own. But I also need to develop that fun energy within me that draws others to me. I've seen several people who had similar energy, and I've always envied them being able to do that to people. At the same time, I try to learn and emulate from it so I can use similar energy. I don't want to be the party pooper or the boring quiet guy that I tend to be. I can be fun and funny, but it requires the right conditions.
 

zekko

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Came to find out that I am not as well liked as I thought.
If you act like a PUA d!ck, people aren't going to like you. Not saying that is what you are doing, but I'm just pointing it out. PUAs advise you to be a self centered a-hole, who would want to be around that? Some people. Now if you can pick up women to supply to the group they might find some value in you.
 

HaleyBaron

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If you act like a PUA d!ck, people aren't going to like you. Not saying that is what you are doing, but I'm just pointing it out. PUAs advise you to be a self centered a-hole, who would want to be around that? Some people. Now if you can pick up women to supply to the group they might find some value in you.
Fortunately you don't have to worry about that from me. I learned from in real life mentors that mastery of aggression and calmness is what leads to success with people. My sin atm is simply not wanting more of it, so I don't pursue having more friends as I am focusing on my career. Once my business is at a state I am happy with, then I can focus more on my social circles.
 

Bingo-Player

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I get where your coming from

I've never been a fan of the A$$ kissing that goes on social media and often i find myself looking at posts and understanding there's usually a subtext to it which usually involves some kind of insecurity or emotional issue and it makes me cringe for them

Ultimately that is why people love social media they can portray themselves in whatever light they want too , they can gain validation , acceptance , sympathy , lust , envy whatever they fancy

pretty much any emotional support they want

My problem is I struggle to believe little to any of it is real

I don't like "following" people just to watch their mediocre lives play out …..this has led to me turning my back on social media for long periods

Problem is now "personal branding" is becoming so powerful you can't really afford not to have an audience and as you say without the social proof and being involved in the circus you can quickly become socially isolated

I am back on it at the moment and i am tolerating it but i often find myself "liking" peoples content just for the sake of it or to show "support"

If you look closely on a hot chicks pictures nearly every comment is usually another hot quick commenting something like

"girl you are absolute fire"

They don't do this because they actually like the picture …they do it because they want the comments & likes returned back
 

samspade

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But I also need to develop that fun energy within me that draws others to me. I've seen several people who had similar energy, and I've always envied them being able to do that to people. At the same time, I try to learn and emulate from it so I can use similar energy. I don't want to be the party pooper or the boring quiet guy that I tend to be. I can be fun and funny, but it requires the right conditions.
OP, I totally get where you're coming from. In my experience, the biggest pitfall is trying to find a way to be "on" like some dudes are. In fact, some guys are always "on" because they're desperate for attention, and although people laugh and are entertained by guys like that, they can be exhausting.

A question you might ask yourself is not are you bringing energy, but are you bringing charm? Charm can be wielded on different wavelengths. The key is making others feel good about themselves - listening (like mentioned above), complimenting (but not cheaply), and yes, humor.

Another key factor is spreading around value. Inviting friends to things, and introducing people to one another, including guys to girls (girls you might even like yourself). You don't have to throw a lavish party to do this. You just have to walk into a room and when you see someone, be like "there you are!" instead of "here I am!" (Also, do your best to remember names - it will set you apart.) And of course the little things, eye contact, smile but not too much, kino, a wink here and there. On guys and girls.

I would advise against throwing a party until you weed out the people who aren't sincere. A man can spin gold out of very little when it comes to socializing, and he doesn't need to front to do it. Just imagine you are filled with so much charm, you can't handle it all and have to dish it out to everyone.

As for social media, that's just a tool, nothing more. Don't rely on it but if it helps you, use it.
 

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dasein

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Parties are shiny, sure, and fine for younger 20 somethings, but they are an effeminate, shallow form of social circle generally for adults. Build your social circle from things you like to do in life other than go to parties. If you are 34 and don't have such hobbies or interests, cultivate some with the time you are spending on "scene" partying. Outdoor groups including rivers hiking, music playing, books, politics, cooking, craft brewing, pet groups, exercise and specific sports, car groups, community activism and volunteering, photography... just a few of many of possibilities. Excellent examples full of fit, non lazy, higher class women are groups built around tennis.

You will find that scenesters who gravitate to party scenes are not going to make for a stable or fulfilling social circle over time no matter how much effort you make, and you will also find yourself in the most vapid, flakey, privileged, disordered, blown out pool of women imaginable. Like clubs, parties look like low hanging fruit on the front end, but aren't really in retrospect.
 
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