Toughest Decision I've had to make

[D_Master]

what is up fellow DJers, I have been lurking around these parts for a long time, posting every so often. I remember the good ol' days when the site was young and growing, before all the PUA fad caught on. Anyhow, the situation i find myself I feel others here may have encountered as well so I'm seeking advice.

For almost a year now I've been dating a girl that I originally met online. I never thought i would actually meet someone of quality there but I guess I got lucky. She's not gorgous but cute and in some ways I think that is the problem. However, we are very compatible and have similar backgrounds. She's independent (has a house and paid off her '05 car), no drama and has been there when i needed it (broke my ankle and she came over the night it happened to cheer me up). I'm also almost 27 and dont want to just be chasing tail my whole life, but do want to settle down only when it's right.

I say all that to preface why its such a hard decision. I dont want to throw all of that away, but recently i've been checking out other girls big time. It started just passing glances in public, but 2 weeks ago we both worked this volunteer day w/ some local schools that a friend of ours invited us to where we were cleaning up a park and this 1 girl was working in a group w/ us and I could tell she was giving me IOI's. I'm not great at picking those up but it was fairly obvious. I felt so bad when I realized that I had been flirting and talking to this other girl while my girlfriend was working not that far away. I've always felt it was ok, to "spin plates" if you arent dating, but if you're in a relationship you dont do that.

Then this past sunday night i was in a similar sitaution @ church where another girl i found more attractive was talking to me and i was actively thinking about running game on her.

Basically I find myself thinking i'm chasing after someone who may be more attractive, at the same time scared I will lose something good. Right now I feel like I'm not "sold" on my girlfriend in the long-term but do enjoy the time I spend w/ her and am wondering what advice anyone here would have on what to do and how to convey that message w/ out it sounding like "I dont find you physically attractive".

Thanks

 

[Rounder]

Well you aren't married - so you can call it quits, see other people or whatever you want to do at anytime, without any reason at all. Your life is YOUR life.

You sound like you are trying to decide if you should "push all-in" with this girl or perhaps "fold the hand" and move on.

I'm divorced twice. I got married to my 1st wife when I was about your age. My 1st divorce was actually quite easy to decide. She turned in to a total financial mess and evidently wedding cake really is the best form of birth control. I made a very poor decision marrying her. After divorcing her I met my 2nd wife just 4 months later and got married about 2 years later. That decision to leave was very tough - much more involved and I wanted the relationship to work but evidently it was not going to. One thing I wondered about getting divorced the 2nd time was - was I going to be ok? was I going to be happy?

The answer to both of those is yes. I am fine.

If you leave your girl you will be fine. You will get over her and for a while you might wonder if you made the right decision.

Make sure you aren't "settling". She sounds like a great girl - but be honest with yourself about the situation. And how does your family feel about her? Friends? Consider their opinions and take them seriously. Family and friends love you and want you to be happy - if they don't think she is quite right for you they'll let you know.

I use to say I wanted a woman who was "nice, caring, loyal, with family values, etc." Well MOST women have those qualities. Any woman I'd be interested in would HAVE to be at least those things at the bare minimum.

Make a list of what you want in someone you would want to marry. Education, health, communication, family, job, sex, looks, personality, etc. Make a list of what you like in her. Make a list of the things you don't. Make a list of how you compliment each other, a list of how you are similar, a list of how you are different.

Are you outgoing and she is shy or reserved? Can she carry a conversation? Does she have opinions? Does she challenge you?

Is she a fly by the seat of her pants type and you are very structured in life? or vice versa?

How does she react to challenges or difficult times? Does she fly off the handle when she is mad? How do you react to her in such situations?

Look at ALL of her qualities or what she is lacking - you can't change people, so don't think there are things about her that annoy you that you think you'll change, because you won't, so give up on that. Can you live with those things that annoy you?

You sound like you're trying to decide if she is "the one", continue on with her and be faithful to her. Nothing wrong with that but be honest with yourself. Don't look past small things, give them consideration.

As far as "looks" go - looks fade in time, but sex is important and having a girl who is hot certainly helps. Even a girl who is a 5 in the face can be hot and be great in the rack. If looks are important to you, that's ok. You're still young, at least if you're making a mistake you don't have kids involved and you aren't married.

Perhaps give it some time, evaluate these things over the next month or 2. Don't hang around unless you want to though.

 

[On_the_Top]

Well you aren't married - so you can call it quits, see other people or whatever you want to do at anytime, without any reason at all. Your life is YOUR life.

You sound like you are trying to decide if you should "push all-in" with this girl or perhaps "fold the hand" and move on.

I'm divorced twice. I got married to my 1st wife when I was about your age. My 1st divorce was actually quite easy to decide. She turned in to a total financial mess and evidently wedding cake really is the best form of birth control. I made a very poor decision marrying her. After divorcing her I met my 2nd wife just 4 months later and got married about 2 years later. That decision to leave was very tough - much more involved and I wanted the relationship to work but evidently it was not going to. One thing I wondered about getting divorced the 2nd time was - was I going to be ok? was I going to be happy?

The answer to both of those is yes. I am fine.

If you leave your girl you will be fine. You will get over her and for a while you might wonder if you made the right decision.

Make sure you aren't "settling". She sounds like a great girl - but be honest with yourself about the situation. And how does your family feel about her? Friends? Consider their opinions and take them seriously. Family and friends love you and want you to be happy - if they don't think she is quite right for you they'll let you know.

I use to say I wanted a woman who was "nice, caring, loyal, with family values, etc." Well MOST women have those qualities. Any woman I'd be interested in would HAVE to be at least those things at the bare minimum.

Make a list of what you want in someone you would want to marry. Education, health, communication, family, job, sex, looks, personality, etc. Make a list of what you like in her. Make a list of the things you don't. Make a list of how you compliment each other, a list of how you are similar, a list of how you are different.

Are you outgoing and she is shy or reserved? Can she carry a conversation? Does she have opinions? Does she challenge you?

Is she a fly by the seat of her pants type and you are very structured in life? or vice versa?

How does she react to challenges or difficult times? Does she fly off the handle when she is mad? How do you react to her in such situations?

Look at ALL of her qualities or what she is lacking - you can't change people, so don't think there are things about her that annoy you that you think you'll change, because you won't, so give up on that. Can you live with those things that annoy you?

You sound like you're trying to decide if she is "the one", continue on with her and be faithful to her. Nothing wrong with that but be honest with yourself. Don't look past small things, give them consideration.

As far as "looks" go - looks fade in time, but sex is important and having a girl who is hot certainly helps. Even a girl who is a 5 in the face can be hot and be great in the rack. If looks are important to you, that's ok. You're still young, at least if you're making a mistake you don't have kids involved and you aren't married.

Perhaps give it some time, evaluate these things over the next month or 2. Don't hang around unless you want to though.

Very insightful and well thought out.

 

[D_Master]

Rounder, thanks for the advice. I wasn't quite sure what kind of response I'd get on a board that seems to be trending more towards the PUA everyday. I guess the more I think about it I could see us being together in the long-term, I'm just not there yet and I get the impression that she is. She has a lot of what I want and my family and friends love her. However, I think since I dated very little and was a "late-bloomer" after high school I think in a way I want to experience that whole pick-up world and get the ego trip of picking up girls and knowing that I can do it. It's just that I fear that I will lose a good thing if I do. I had that happen a couple yrs back and pushed a decent girl away. I just dont want to do that again. But like you said, it's my life and I gotta do whats best for me.

 

[The Bat]

You have scarcity mentality right now.

You're thinking, "If I lose this sure thing, then I'm not sure if I can ever find something like it again."

This is how one-itis develops and your inner AFC starts kicking in.

You cling to this fantasy that this "one" girl is your soul mate and the perfect girl put on this earth for you by Jesus. You are secure in this relationship simply because there is the comfort of knowing that when you go home at night, she will be there waiting for you. Now that's a good thing to have to WANT, but it's a terrible thing to have to NEED. Do you understand?

Because think about some variables. What if she leaves you tomorrow for whatever reason? What if she cheats on you? What if she becomes unattractive to you? What if she gets emotionally unhealthy? What if she dies?

What will you do then?

Now I realize that some of those are far-fetched, but the possibility of them happening isn't that small.

A good relationship, in fact any type of relationship, should NOT be based on fear. This is what your relationship is based on: Fear of you losing her. It is unhealthy and very immature, consequently detrimental to both you and her.

You got to be honest with yourself: what do you want?

This relationship because it's a sure thing and you aren't sure if you'll ever find another girl who will want to be in a relationship with you?

Or spinning plates to understand more about yourself and the type of girl you'd want to ultimately settle down with?

 

[Dannyrt34]

I can't decide that for you but I'll add some insight to your situation.

No matter who your dating, there will always be hotter girls. There will always be temptation. While in a relationship, we all face temptation.

So in that case, what if you left her for a hotter girl. Do you really think THAT will be the only girl you find attractive then, NOT AT ALL. Then you'll just be looking at girls you think are better looking, and the cycle will continue.

Sounds to me like you currently have a great girl, let me tell you those are RARE now a days. Just don't cheat on her. I'm never a fan of cheating. If you want to explore new girls, let ur current partner know.

 

[Rounder]

Rounder, thanks for the advice. I wasn't quite sure what kind of response I'd get on a board that seems to be trending more towards the PUA everyday. I guess the more I think about it I could see us being together in the long-term, I'm just not there yet and I get the impression that she is. She has a lot of what I want and my family and friends love her. However, I think since I dated very little and was a "late-bloomer" after high school I think in a way I want to experience that whole pick-up world and get the ego trip of picking up girls and knowing that I can do it. It's just that I fear that I will lose a good thing if I do. I had that happen a couple yrs back and pushed a decent girl away. I just dont want to do that again. But like you said, it's my life and I gotta do whats best for me.

The Bat had some good advice and I understand what he is saying. Tough to make the move of leaving something that feels good on a daily basis. I wish I had that kind of understanding at his age, heh, I wish I had that understanding now! haha

The girl you "pushed away" a couple of years ago - how do you think about her now? just as a "decent" girl? or the dream girl of your life that really got away? Nothing wrong with pushing away a "decent" girl.

 

[D_Master]

Oh that girl I dont think was "right" for me, Rounder. I just have always felt like I treated her poorly and felt guilty for it.

I understand that there will always be hotter girls, I guess that this is the 1st time I've gone out w/ 1 girl for this long and I always hoped that it would go away, if that makes sesnse. I'm findind out though it doesnt.

Honestly, if she cheated on me I think that would make it easier on me. Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing it to work, other times I really like it. Then at least I could say "it aint gonna work" and move on. And I dont have "one-itis". Personally I despise how that mindset has been treated on here. Its almost like if you really care about 1 girl there's something wrong w/ you, but thats besides the point. I think in a way the sosuave mentality is keeping me from being sold out to her.

Anyhow, thanks for the tips and advice guys, appreciate it.

 

[Rounder]

Well through 2 divorces I've realized something and this board helped me realize this too.

I should not have to "make a relationship work" - especially in the beginning. If there is stuff I have to tip toe around or problems that need to be "fixed" - I will leave it up to her to fix them from now on.

I'm not a problem solver (although I use to be) if she has issues I don't care for, I'll either move on to the next or let her deal with them in her own time. If she wants me bad enough and knows I'm bothered by a particular problem, then I guess she'll fix it because she wants to be with me.

It isn't my job to make her into the person I want her to be. A woman can show me who she is, show me how she deals with problems (a very important characteristic imho) and we'll go from there.

I do think "one-itis" can be a problem if you start limiting yourself for what YOU really WANT. I've done it and regretted it.

In the end it is your choice, take your time, stay with her, dump her, whatever, just think ahead, think objectively about her sometimes and be honest with yourself. Don't look at her through rose colored glasses all the time.

 

[Tenzen]

D master my past relationship with my gf was exactly the same, i was feeling how your feeling now. The feeling of always hoping it would go away kinda thing. It finally did through a text msg at the peak of our relationship no arguments or anything... I guess it happened before i ever would start to think that its not what i want. So now i feel great, i can go pursue those other fish in the sea.