tough situation, could use a little help

[RoughRider]

Here is the short version, details will be below. Have known a girl for several years who has been a friend of a friend. Dated for a short period of time, then friends, then some causal sex. I'm trying to turn this into a dating/relationship scenario. There is the short version, if you think you can help read on, not saying I don't know what to do, would just like some others advice.

Ok...I've known the girl for several years but rarely saw her, didn't call her or anything, just a friend of a friend. Recently we started dating but she wasn't sure if she was ready for a relationship. After a short dating period she called it off saying she just wasn't ready for a relationship for several reasons (I had just gotten out of one and she ended one not too long ago that ended very very badly). Anyway she called it off but was obviously upset at doing so.

Since then we were friends but could tell she still wanted me. I had made it clear that I didn't just wanted a f***buddy situation. The other night I f'ed that up and had sex with her. I don't want to keep doing that because then she will never want a relationship. Between the split and casual sex I was playing it cool, teasing her, making her pursue me...etc etc, usual games.

Not sure of what to do next or if it's possible to rally out of this. Was gonna go back to keeping her chasing me but I am afraid I'll break again and give in to it without the relationship aspect. It's tough knowing that I'm the best lay she has ever had and the same for me. However I still want more than just the sex. I figured if I stayed strong and stayed away from that she will cave in.

Any thoughts and advice would be great, thanks guys. If you need more info or I left something out say so.

 

[MacAvoy]

First of all welcome to the site. The most valuable stuff you can gain from the site is The Don Juan Bible (link available in my sig or on bottom of main discussion forum page).

First of all, don't make the mistake of other newby's asking for advice about every detail. However you can learn alot here and really expand your social skills which will result in having more successful relationship and sex if you want. Now to your scenario. You might ask yourself, how can this stranger know so much about my UNIQUE situation and offer advice, well the reason why we can is because we've seen this scenario thousands of times over the years, all of which the same psychological principles apply.

I had made it clear that I didn't just wanted a f***buddy situation.

This is your first problem. One of the keys to attraction is having her think that you are the prize. You do this by not making her the prize and not putting her on a pedastool which you did by telling her that you want a relationship. Secondly, never ask a women to be your g/f, heres a quote from the bible:

Becoming exclusive with a woman means the both of you talk about not dating or seeing anyone else. The dating with others comes to an end.
Never ask a women to become exclusive. She must ask YOU. She must talk about it FIRST.
Why? If a woman hasn't asked you yet it means she is still open to seeing others. She still has DOUBTS about you. Highly interested women don't want you going out with other women.

A woman asking for exclusivity is like a 'marriage proposal'. She is cementing and laying the foundation for true intimacy.
She wants something that's lasting. It is the ULTIMATE test of interest, guys. She is 'proposing'.

If you ask first, you will never know her true interest level. Why didn't she bring it up? How come she is still letting you see others? Why isn't she CLOSING her options? Is she seeing someone else?

Think about it.

AD

The other night I f'ed that up and had sex with her. I don't want to keep doing that because then she will never want a relationship.

This is the only way you'll get into a relationship with her NOW. You have to drop all relationship talk and turn her into a FB. If you sex her good and equally as important, if you display high value as a man, she will naturally want a relationship with you (even if she says she doesn't want a relationship). When it comes to women, you have to judge them by their actions, not their words.

If you promote the relationship, your going to end up only dreaming of her. However women will naturally want more and develop feelings in a FB situation. Use this to your advantage.

Finally, how old are you and how old is this women? These are very important factors.

 

[DoctorLW]

Honestly, what are you thinking? Keep having casual sex and a relationship will more often than not develop (girls tend to develop strong emotional connections with sex). If it doesn't, she just never wanted a relationship with you.

You can't really push this issue. Either she will move it to exclusive dating or she won't. Anything else and you are hanging yourself out there to get burned badly. Stop worry about it and let nature take its course, and enjoy the sex while you can.

 

[RoughRider]

thanks to both of you first of all. In terms of me being the prize, that was definatly the situation before the random sex, she was going for me and I was the one being chased after. I never called her and she called me everyday and of course always wanted to hang out with me. I guess I was just afraid I would lose that edge after what happened. I do like your input on the FB situation, my thought before reading your reply was that she is getting sex but without the pressures of a relationship, so why would she start one. Basically why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. In contrast, your advice does make sense.

To answer your age question I am 24 she is 22, factoring in the bdays it is like a year and a half age difference.

One more question directed at the 2 of you who just responded...where to go from here? Should I start FB things at our next encounter or stay more distant and build up a little sexual tension like I had been inbetween the split and the other night?

And in case anyone was wondering since I didn't mention it, I know for a fact she isn't seeing anyone else and has turned down several people during this whole situation.

Again thanks

 

[MacAvoy]

I would continue the FB situation as you want her to remain sexually attracted to you. Where you want to create tension by being distant is your time, don't be too available to her, for the next month, I would only see her about 6 times, then after that for the next month, you can step it up to twice a week.

You don't want to be too available to her, you want her to think that you are always busy, that other girls are chasing you, however don't be blunt and come out and say that. Let her guess, a women's mind will wonder and that is what will create attraction for you and that is what will eventually make her fall for you, and that is what will EVENTUALLY make her want a relationship with you. You have to be patient.

But most importantly you should start spinning other plates (a popular term around here for dating other women), you shouldn't invest too much emotionally in this women, you need to be seeing other women so that she knows that other women want you so that way she'll want to tie you down all for her self.

 

[RoughRider]

ty

That was the plan as it is what I was doing before. Thanks man, just wanted to make sure the FB situation wasn't a definate backfire. Nice to see good ppl on a web forum for a change.

 

[DonGorgon]

Sounds like you have a good ho on your hands dont mess it up by falling in love with her.. she cant love you.

 

[Sandow]

She chased you, buy still, I think you caved in too easily. In other words, she needs to know you have options, by your ACTIONS not words. Keep being FBuddies with her, show her attention, but also take it away. That should keep her IL high and I think eventually she'll committ. Lastly, the less you care about this situation, it'll show, and that'll drive her crazy (about you). It's amazing how that shlt works, the less you show you care, the more control you will have. Works every time