Totally ruined my life as it seems...

NeoKortex

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Hi,

Iam 30
Girlfriend 26

She’s a beautiful women with a big hearth. She’s in everyway perfect for me as I had to find out. She started hinting on me with marriage&babies.

I got scared and went to a sexworker to „do it one last time“.
My intention screemed for me to not do it but I ignored it anyway. Sex was protected but oral sex for 10 seconds.

Me and my Gf slept one time after that. Big rumorse. Then I felt burning sensation on my tip. So i lied to her that i had a normal infection and was going to get checked out by doctors.

My **** started going numb, I can’t get an erection anymore, if I manage to masturbate the sperm looks super weird. My balls itch. My legs hurt. My muscles have tension.

I have told her by now. Couldn’t hide it longer. I maybe caught siphilis but I can do the test for it in roughly 3 weeks. I have to get tested for hiv as well since siphilis often comes with hiv coinfection.
I have no chlamidia or gonorroeh but I would prefer chalmyid over anything for sure.

I lost my girlfriend, my home, her family, my health. Iam living in my parents basement right now. I got nothing. My laptop, my opel corsa and a few clothings. I miss my life and I want it back. What did i just think cheating with a sexworker. How could I hurt someone so bad?

I had the perfect life at her place. We had a flat over her families House. A big beautiful house in an expensive area. Everything was so good. We had our own furniture and everything. I saved all my money since we didn’t have to pay rent so we could one day buy a house. I miss her so much. And I wanna be healthy. If I contracted something I must tell her so she can get checked as well.

I have nothing anymore. My parents are building me up. Iam taking anti depressiva.
In two hours I have another doctors appointment. I literally lost my life with one sooo stupid action.

Heaven/Hell are so close. And it’s not like i got hit by a car and lost everything it’s my own stupidity. Iam scared I contracted hiv.
Iam scared I never see my girlfriend again.
Iam scared to build up life from the starch. To start at 0. Maybe start at 0 with a disease.

I wanna make up for all the pain i causes to my girlfriend so i told her to keep everything (the furniture etc.)

Iam so concerned about what person I became. I fear my health not being what I wanted as in hiv-. I fear of never seeing her face again or talking to her. Iam living in huge regret.
 
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btownbuck2012

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You don't have HIV. if you wore a condom during the vaginal sex, you're fine. You can't catch it from oral sex.

But other than that, yeah you f*cked up. This is a good learning lesson for you.....not just in terms of f*cking a hooker while you're in a relationship...but you're own life, too. Why were you relaying on your chick for a place to live? Not paying rent? After this you had to move back in with your folks@ 30? you don't have your own income?? etc.

Sounds like this was a wake up call to get your life figured out man. But relax on the HIV, you don't have it.
 

NeoKortex

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If I have siphilis i can easy have HIV, look it up.

I have a high paying job but I can’t perform right now so doctor called me sick.

I didn’t know how easy I could lose everything I have. I was spoiled and overconfident. I never gamble with my life in that way again. I really need to lern to appreciate. I miss her as ****.
 

btownbuck2012

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If I have siphilis i can easy have HIV, look it up.

I have a high paying job but I can’t perform right now so doctor called me sick.

I didn’t know how easy I could lose everything I have. I was spoiled and overconfident. I never gamble with my life in that way again. I really need to lern to appreciate. I miss her as ****.
Don't talk to me about looking sh*t up about HIV. years ago I posted my own thread about how I was worried I had HIV...I had lots of systems too, so save it.

You're right. You were spoiled and overconfident. It's a learning lesson for the future. It sucks, so you've just gotta muscle through it.
 

NeoKortex

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I don’t know why you feel attacked. Congrats by the way on being HIV free. But Iam still at risk because siphilis can be contracted over the
saliva and can carry hiv with it.

But I would defentely be super unlucky.

Yeah I needed that life lesson. So quick to destroy something while at the same time so hard to build up...

I called my girlfriend the other day and I did visit her in the flat. We talked a bit or better I talked she listened. Then we drank some ice tea together. Our pictures were still there. Pictures of our vacations (Egypt, Thailand, USA). She hasn’t put them down yet. I told her Iam going for therapy ( Iam a serial cheater ... ). Maybe there is still a chance.
 
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Spaz

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All this worries without even a test to confirm ur suspicion?

Get tested 1st then talk to us.

Meanwhile stop all those whining pathetic shiet, don't fuss about, you're 30 and there's still plentiful of opportunities out there provided you've willing to work hard for it, being receptive to change.
 

NeoKortex

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Its horrible to feel like that. My penis is 80% of its normal size, it smells weird, by the life of me I can’t get one up, burning sensation in urethrea. Swollen testicales and something like a sore on my ballz. No change after taking antibiotics for 10 days now. Let’s see what the doctor says today.

If I get out of this unharmed or with only two black eyes i will go and work at some social charity. I probably should even do that anyway. Time to give back. Rebuild some karma if you want.
 

R.U.G.

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Sounds more like Herpes, G-HSV1 in the predome stage.. I am not sure why'd you tell your partner BEFORE getting tested so now you are both worried. Syphilis via oral not usually common, but G-HSV-1 and Gonorrhea is. Anything oozing out of your piss pump? Any sores or red blotches on the head? If you had anything, the sores would be there, not necessarily on your balls. That could be from scratching, zipper, anything. The sores usually appear with direct contact for the first outbreak on most STDs.
 
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NeoKortex

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I had to tell her what I did Iam not telling her that i got symptoms

Nothing coming out of my tip. Its maybe siphilis it does cure Yea but hiv doesn’t. Iam scared and I feel so guilty.
 

ChristopherColumbus

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Sounds like you might have some addictions you need to sort out [equivalent to disease in the psychological zone]. You might want to look into self-mastery/ self-discipline. This may give you a chance of getting back with your gf.
 

NeoKortex

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Even if Iam HIV+? The shirtstorm iam going trough right now kills me.

- it’s not only losing a relationship it’s much more than that
- i Went trough this 2.5 years ago and luckely
Didnt catch anything yet I went again
- I feel guilty hurting her
- I don’t know why I lost the best life ever so fast
- I am scared of hurting myself in the feature as in being not able to cope with it
- i miss her so much
 

DEEZEDBRAH

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If I have siphilis i can easy have HIV, look it up.

I have a high paying job but I can’t perform right now so doctor called me sick.

I didn’t know how easy I could lose everything I have. I was spoiled and overconfident. I never gamble with my life in that way again. I really need to lern to appreciate. I miss her as ****.
It's more likely to catch it from a tooth brush shank junky.

You're freaking out man. Chill out.

Get a grip.

Orient yourself to a higher good.
 

DEEZEDBRAH

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Sounds more like Herpes, G-HSV1 in the predome stage.. I am not sure why'd you tell your partner BEFORE getting tested so now you are both worried. Syphilis via oral not usually common, but G-HSV-1 and Gonorrhea is. Anything oozing out of your piss pump? Any sores or red blotches on the head? If you had anything, the sores would be there, not necessarily on your balls. That could be from scratching, zipper, anything. The sores usually appear with direct contact for the first outbreak on most STDs.
+1

For christ sake, stay off the internet

I went full retard in my early 20s as a raw dawg warrior. It's a **** show to then attempt to self diagnose. You wind yourself up.

Take a salt tablet. Walk it off.
 
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MoreThanSmooth

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I have nothing anymore. My parents are building me up. Iam taking anti depressiva.
In two hours I have another doctors appointment. I literally lost my life with one sooo stupid action.

Heaven/Hell are so close. And it’s not like i got hit by a car and lost everything it’s my own stupidity. Iam scared I contracted hiv.
Iam scared I never see my girlfriend again.
Iam scared to build up life from the starch. To start at 0. Maybe start at 0 with a disease.

I wanna make up for all the pain i causes to my girlfriend so i told her to keep everything (the furniture etc.)

Iam so concerned about what person I became. I fear my health not being what I wanted as in hiv-. I fear of never seeing her face again or talking to her. Iam living in huge regret.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds like you're in quite a bit of emotional pain.

Are things 100% done with your girlfriend? It's a slim shot, but if you could sit down with her and explain fully that it was just a stupid mistake, perhaps she will forgive you. If you tell her that you saw a future with her forever and so you made a mistake trying to "sow your oats" before then...it's more tolerable than simply saying "I f*cked a prostitute". Explain why you did it and apologise profusely for it.

Yes, some will say that apologising like that compromises your frame...but it's clear from your post that you deeply regret what you did and it was a mistake. So I think apologising will at the very least make you feel better, and at most may save your relationship if it's not already game over. If she loved you back, I think it would be reasonable for her to forgive this. You just need to explain yourself eloquently and earnestly.

--

Anyway regarding the STIs: go get a full blood test and a full battery of STI tests. Blood test will pick up herpes and HIV, the swabs and other samples will pick up anything else. Most curable STIs can only get worse if you don't get them treated, so it's in your best interest to get a professional opinion ASAP.
 

NeoKortex

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Hey

Life will never be the same for me even if I make it out unharmed. I used to take things for granted and didn’t really appreciate what I had.
I must face that my actions always have consequences.

I think I spiritually aged ten fold over the last 2 weeks. The worst thing is that i hurt her. I don’t know if I could deal with it if she got a std because of me.

Yesterday she let me come home and sleep on the couch. Not many words were spoken. She’s still very hurt. Today Iam back at my parents maybe I can go back home again today and watch tv next to her and slowly reconnect.

I told her I felt pressured. Because everyone was going to get married around us. That she wanted house and kids. I wanted to escape the golden cage. That this action was more about me than about her.

My parents live in another city. Today I was riding trough my gfs city and I saw all the shops we used to go to together. I saw the beautiful hill with he forest. I remember how „normal“ life was back then with no pain and no fear. I destroyed that heaven. Maybe I can go back there.

I am just scared of my health situation. There are 3000 cases of newly infected hiv+ people in Germany every year so it would be a lot bad luck to be among them considering I used a condom.

The real pain is in not knowing what’s going to happen, in being solely responsible for the situation, in hurting someone who’s an angel at hearth.

Iam getting by day by day. On friday I will know more regarding health situation.

I focus on positive things now. That I have a family I can come home too. That modern medicin has antibiotics and more. That I have food and a place to sleep.

Iam kind of lost because I realize I don’t really have any real friends. I mean I have some that I called and told the situation. They build me up but no one is coming over with a beer to cheer me up. I guess it’s partly my fault because I haven’t been to social while I was in my relationship. And there is a physical distance between us. I don’t have any friends at my girlfriends city. That was fine as long as I had her.

Regarding my life I think I have to put the focus away from me and look what I can do for others. I really don’t want to be this cheating guy who never really amount to anything while on earth. I don’t mean amount to anything as in having success but more like in making other people’s lives better. I think I can do some real practical thing if I go once a week and do some charity work like entertaining old people.

At the moment for me the health situation is the most important thing. If that is settled I can go work on anything else.
 

MoreThanSmooth

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My parents live in another city. Today I was riding trough my gfs city and I saw all the shops we used to go to together. I saw the beautiful hill with he forest. I remember how „normal“ life was back then with no pain and no fear. I destroyed that heaven. Maybe I can go back there.
Hold onto this next time in the future when you think of making a similar move and f*cking things up.

It's very easy to make bad mistakes when you're not thinking of the consequences. When you think of what you stand to lose, you tend to listen more to the rational part of your brain.

I think you seem like a mature person with these posts - self reflective and pensive. Hopefully this will mean you don't make a similar mistake again.
 
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