Total turnaround

[Kjd502]

Ok so here's the story with me and the girl I'm pursuing right now. We met about 10 months ago and immediately had an attraction/connection with eachother, the problem was we both were in distance relationships. Time went by and the attraction kept building. Eventually we both ended up leaving who we were with her being the first. Between the time she left her boyfriend and I broke up with my girlfriend we would hang out and occassionally she would say things like she wanted me to herself or something along those lines. Anyway i ended up breaking up with my girlfriend and things with us started picking up. We hung out almost everyday and things were fun. She would stay with me and were having enough sexual interactions to satisfy. Then about a week and a half ago she said she thought we should cool off a little and that she didn't want to feel smothered and have too mch of a good thing. So naturally I backed way off and quit talking/texting so much an hanging out with her everyday to a couple times a week. She says she doesn't want or can't date anyone right now but also at times acts lie a girlfriend. The other night she came over to watch a John Butler Trio concert on the Internet. She would lay her head on my shoulder and put her hand on my leg numerous times. Then 20 minutes later she would say something like she won't be ready to date anyone for a long time. Then when she left I went to give her a simple goodbye hug and she pulled me close and wouldn't let go, and tol me she wants to meet my mother as she has met the rest of my family through random times. So I don't know what to do. There is some kind of attraction because she still wants to hang out but obviously something has changed. There could be something that could develop between us but I don't know what to do to get things back to how they were or if it would be a waste of time. What should I do?

 

[Igetit!]

We hung out almost everyday and things were fun.

Hanging out everyday:Mistake #1.

She would stay with me and were having enough sexual interactions to satisfy.

"Enough sexual interactions to satify".

Umm....what does that mean? Did you two have sex or not?

Then about a week and a half ago she said she thought we should cool off a little and that she didn't want to feel smothered and have too mch of a good thing. So naturally I backed way off and quit talking/texting so much an hanging out with her everyday to a couple times a week.

So it was her idea for things to "cool off". Also,she said that she didn't want to feel smothered. That means she DID feel smothered,otherwise that comment would have never came of out her mouth.

She says she doesn't want or can't date anyone right now but also at times acts lie a girlfriend.

That comment about her not wanting to date anyone right now is what's known as a LIE.

She said that because you were smothering her. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too. She said she doesn't want to date anyone right now,but at the same time she acts like a girlfriend to you. This way she can still have all the benefits of being in a relationship with you WITHOUT the commitment.


You're sort of a spare tire until the real,normal,standard one comes along.


When she finally does meet a guy she DOES WANT TO DATE,she can just walk off from you without any guilt or remorse. You may be hurt,but it'll be YOUR FAULT because she already told you she's not looking to date anyone right now,but instead of moving on,YOU continued hanging out with her and investing in her.

The other night she came over to watch a John Butler Trio concert on the Internet. She would lay her head on my shoulder and put her hand on my leg numerous times. Then 20 minutes later she would say something like she won't be ready to date anyone for a long time.

She means that she's won't be able to date YOU for a long time.


All the hugging and kissing and touching is just to keep you hooked.
She does have some attraction for you,but the smothering you did killed any relationship trust. She has attraction for you,but she's hesistant to get in a GF/BF relationship with you because you might go back to smothering her again. She doesn't want to be commited to that.

There is some kind of attraction because she still wants to hang out but obviously something has changed. There could be something that could develop between us but I don't know what to do to get things back to how they were or if it would be a waste of time. What should I do?

Yeah,the trust has changed.

Now...this CAN BE fixed.....but the problem is that it'll take time.

Attraction can be sparked in an instant,but attraction isn't the problem here.

She needs to be able to trust you. You need to demonstrate that you're not needy or smothering,which is easy enough to do,but like I said,it takes time,and this girl IS NOT going to just sit around and wait until you've done this.


If another guy comes along who she feels attraction for AND who's not needy or smothering while you're waiting for her trust of you to grow,she's out the door dude.



So if you want to move on,then move on. If you want to try to make it work with her,then first of all,STOP HANGING OUT WITH HER like you've been doing. You need to WITHDRAW your "boyfriend-ish" behavior from her.



You ever heard of the saying,"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well that's what she's doing. She's getting all the benefits of having a boyfriend from you without even being your girlfriend.
So why would she want to screw that up?


Just pull back from her. Be polite,STOP going out on dates (if you are),and pursue other girls. If you do that long enough,that should kinda snip out that "smothering" feeling she got from you,and start to make her reconsider possible dating you.

 

[Kjd502]

Thank you for that great advice! All that was what I thought I needed to do so again thanks for that reinforcement. Now, how much contact at all would you suggest? I've quit initiating conversation with her and make her ck tact me if she wants to talk or whatever. I've realized that everything lately has been on her terms and that has got to change.

 

[Kjd502]

Ck tact supposed to be contact

 

[Igetit!]

Now, how much contact at all would you suggest?

How much contact? Well this girl told you that she's not going to be ready to date anyone "for a long time",right? Well be BOTH know that's a lie and she just said that because she felt smothered,but you know what?

Call her on her bluff.

She told you (more than once) that she's not looking to date anyone right now,so ok,leave her be.


How much contact? I'd say about....oh,I don't know,how about ZERO. Don't contact her at all.


Pull back. She complained about you smothering her. Well after about the first two or three days of you not being around,she'll start to notice that she no longer has anyone to need space from.



If you do this,there's a good chance that she will try to contact you. If she does,go ahead and talk to her.

Ask her how she's doing,how she's been,tell her how you've been/what you've been up to (something exciting),then END THE CALL.



You can talk with her for a bit,but WHATEVER YOU DO,DON'T SAY ANYTHING about getting together with her,seeing her,or spending time together.


Don't do or say anything "boyfriend-ish".


And if she mentions anything about the two of you getting together or hanging out,then you respond with something like,"Uhh....well....well I'm going to be kinda tied up for the next few days,so maybe we can just do it some other time. Anyway,I gotta go. I'll talk to you later".

Then hang up. What will happen is she'll going from feeling like you were smothering her to feeling like you no longer like or are losing in her.


This will help her interest in you to grow,while at the same time cause her trust of you to grow as well because you're not JUMPING AT THE CHANCE to spend time with her like before that "we need to cool off" comment.

I've realized that everything lately has been on her terms and that has got to change.

True.

What I suggested above should help you to do this,but YOU NEED TO pursue other girls as well.


And if this girl finds that out,then that's her problem because SHE'S THE ONE who said that she's not ready to date anyone right now.



So if she doesn't want to date right now,then fine,but that's her decision for her life.



Her decision for her life shouldn't cause YOU to be alone if you have a desire to date someone.

 

[Kjd502]

Ok so IF she contacts me and wants to get together how long should I blow her off? Is there a certain time or is it something I just have to look at and judge when her interest/trust level is back up to where it should be? I by no means am going to let her choices control my life but I would like to be with this girl if the time/opportunity comes to pass, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for her to come to her senses which I realize is what I've been doing

 

[Igetit!]

Ok so IF she contacts me and wants to get together how long should I blow her off?

I don't think you quite understand.


She TOLD YOU that she isn't going to be ready to "date" anyone for a long time,right? So if that's true,then why would she want to "get together" with you?


Define "get together". Is it going out on dates? So you're taking out on dates a girl who clearly and repeatedly told you that she's not going to be ready to date anyone anytime soon?

What is "get together"?



Also,why would she want to get together with someone she's NOT INTERESTED IN DATING?



You need to decide what it is YOU WANT. What is your goal here? Is it sex?

If ALL YOU WANT is just to get her into bed from time to time,then you can probably do that now. If it's a relationship to where you two are girlfriend and boyfriend,then at this point RIGHT NOW,you're out of luck.

Because of the smothering,she doesn't yet trust you enough to be exclusive.

Is there a certain time or is it something I just have to look at and judge when her interest/trust level is back up to where it should be?

There's no certain time,you'll just have to use your own judgement based off the behavior you get from her AFTER you start to pull back.

I by no means am going to let her choices control my life but I would like to be with this girl if the time/opportunity comes to pass, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for her to come to her senses which I realize is what I've been doing

You say you're not going to just sit around and wait for her to come to her senses. I agree. That's why I said that you need to be pursuing other girls.



Look,short of you winning the lottery or becoming movie star famous,other than backing off from her,there's not much you can do to make her want to become exclusive to you.



If your goal is sex,she's already attracted to you,so that shouldn't be to hard to obtain,but if your goal is HER,as in relationshipwise,you have NO CHOICE but to "sit and wait". That'll help the smothering feeling she had with you subside.


You HAVE TO wait. I told you,the issue here is TRUST.

Because of the smothering,she doesn't TRUST YOU enough to get into a relationship with you,and trust takes TIME to build and grow.



It's either pull back,or continue doing what you're doing now.

 

[Kjd502]

No when I say get together I mean just doing things together. We've already sex numerous times, I know that's not all I want from her. The reason I think shell want to "get together" is because if we don't do anything for a couple days she calls wanting to hang out. So I will continue to pull away and see what happens. Thanks for the advice

 

[Kailex]

First of all, block o' text just destroyed me.

Wow.

Second, you went from doing the deed to being friendzoned.

It's a rough battle uphill. So, in her mind, you are already done for, unless you really want to remain her friend. Other than that, listen to Igetit!.

You're pretty much her Plan B. Pursue others.

 

[todays_news]

Spend time with your friends, seeing a girl daily is not a good idea...

secondly, the not in a relationship means you can chirpse other women, so why arent you? It sounds like you have developed oneitis. Meet more women, **** more women and then decide if its worth the hassle.

I can guarantee, that if you carry on living a busy, happy life in her absence she'll change her tune quick enough... they usually do.

I get the slight impression you are a student or still at school, from you having the time to hang out every day. So meeting new people and filling your time doing something worthwhile shouldnt be hard.