Too Serious

[ArcturusXIV]

Hi Guys,

I've got a situation. I just started seeing a girl, and she has been telling me that I'm too "solemn" and "serious", and that it's a turn-off. I completely understand where she's coming from, but I'm just not sure how to change. I'm usually a pretty goofy guy, but I like this girl, and it makes me nervous. Yeah, I know it sounds pvssy. The fact is, I know she likes me too. Her girl friends have been telling me she talks about me a lot and keeps saying that I'm cute.

Anyway, I'm usually a pretty nervous guy--I'm very tense and not able to relax easily in ANY situation, especially in social situations. I'm even more nervous when it comes to girls. I haven't been dating for a couple months, and right now I'm very pent-up and insecure, especially since I don't want to screw up with this girl. She's very pretty, and I would have assumed she was out of my league had she not chased after me (she started saying we should be study partners, that I could do my laundry at her house, etc.).

In any case, I need you guys to tell me how to relax, exude confidence, and learn how to joke again. I used to be able to do all these things, but I've been away from girls for so long I've forgotten how to be open and secure. I've always been nervous, but at least I used to be able to joke around. I guess I've become something of an AFC lately, and now I need to recoup my losses and start thinking like a DJ again. Please help...

-A14

 

[Wyldfire]

Why are you insecure? The girl obviously likes you or she wouldn't let you do your laundry at her house or talk about you to her friends in a positive way. You have NO reason to be insecure.

Listen...the only way you're going to mess up is if you continue to think like you are right now...that she is better than you and you have to come up with some killer plan to win her over. The hard part is already done...you've already won her over...now you just have to go get her.

 

[ArcturusXIV]

Aha! A reply!

I agree Wyldfire. I've already won the major battle. In fact, I initiated first conversation with her just to test myself since I'd been out of the battlefield so long. I didn't intend to make her like me or anything, I just wanted to test myself to see if I could still approach and talk to strangers.

The good thing is that I'm still excellent at making eye contact and I can ask questions and keep her talking (which is exactly what I did when I first met her). The problem is, now I have to show my sense of humor and my goofy side, and that is very difficult for me to do, though I don't know why.

I'm usually pretty shy in social situations. I'm used to being reserved and just listening to people, perhaps. Once I get to know a person, I can usually let up some of my intensity and start joking with them. I like her as well, though, and I'm having trouble relaxing around her. My nervousness is making her nervous, and she's stated that to me three or four times already.

I'll be the first to admit I've always been a very intense and anxious person, but now I'm coming face to face with my problem, and I'm forced to confront it. How do I learn to relax? I'm not just talking about being socially nervous, I'm talking about the fact that I'm ALWAYS nervous. I'm a worrier, and now I'm worried that I wont be able to overcome this obstacle...

I'm hoping I come across someone who's had this same problem on these forums so they can tell me how they can win against their anxiety.

 

[thefonz]

dude, i used to have the worst anxiety you can imagine.....once upon a time i couldn't even call and order a pizza cus of my worry of being judged or looked at, or having to be "on".....

First of all realize depression, anxiety, fear, anger, irritablility, desperation etc. are all tided into eachother so don't go labeling yourself as the"nervous kid" or the "depressed kid" or anything else cus you have a great personality and that is not it, stop telling yourself that,erase those thoughts the second they come to your conscious mind, it's not helpful.....second, anxiety sufferers tend to be perfectionists and use the word "should" alot and thats not good because EVERYONE makes the same flaws you do everyday, even the master djs

My most helpful technique that i think has made the most difference with my anxiety is learning to breath through my diaphram (studies show anxiety sufferers don't get enough air in their) try this..feel the area under your belly button, now breath in so that your stomach is moving away from your spine, exhale repeat (this is how you breath when you sleep, hence, relaxed)....do this repitition for 15 minutes everyday in a comfortable position with your eyes open ....the ratio of breaths from diaphram to chest inhales should be 4:1......also when you are in the middle of an anxiety provoking situation apply the breath technique to relax you. It may take a month or 2 to be ab;e to do this until it becomes natural

Getting rid of anxiety does take a certain amount of effort and commitment, you really have to TRY in order to make it bearable (anxiety is in all of us, it never disappears:the myth is that you can't function during it)....i can be conquered but you HAVE to take the steps listed while going out there and facing the situations, change the way you look at your anxiety

 

[ArcturusXIV]

Wow, you are so right!

I was told just the other day by a person studied in natural medicine that my problem was my stomach was too tight against my diaphram and was causing me breathing problems. I'm trying to breathe your way now, and it's really helping. Thanks!

A14

 

[dearsappho]

Originally posted by thefonz
the ratio of breaths from diaphram to chest inhales should be 4:1

Please explain a little more?