To settle or not to settle

[Riegs]

I've been talking with a great girl long distance for the last 6 months. She's completely the opposite of basically all the lower class women I tend to meet when I'm going to bars and wherever else so I don't want to ruin it with her, yet it either has to be all or nothing because of the circumstances.

I think she's incredible but I'm not in love with her, at least at this stage.. while she says she's head over heels for me. She's working 2 jobs right now because we've talked about her moving east to be with me. I'm flying out in a few months to meet her to see if what we have in person is as strong as it seems to be.

I know that I would never have to worry about her cheating or having any of the worries of any of my past exes, she's pretty introverted like I am and even though she seems like she could be a bit "boring" she's stable.

The problem is that her ex husband is out of the picture and her daughter is incredibly clingy with her, like calling 8 times a day while she's at work clingy. I work at home and the last situation I want to get into is one where I feel like I'm trapped in a situation where I get very little alone time with her because the daughter has issues - at the moment she even sleeps in the same bed as her mother at almost 9 years old.

I'm at this point where I want to break out of my shell and work on my social skills and retain some freedom, so I'm uncertain about what I should do. This girl is really great from the sense of someone to settle down with, but I can envision this situation leaving me feeling a bit trapped. She already told me her daughter is her first priority, and I can understand that - but I want to be able to do things with her without her daughter always having to be up her backside.

I'm questioning maybe I'm not cut out for getting into this type of situation, I'm certainly not ready to be a father yet and parent someone else's child.

Anyone else have any advice? This girl is really special but she's carrying some serious baggage.

 

[cordoncordon]

First, before I can offer any advice.

Am I correct in that you have never met this woman face to face?

 

[( . )( . )]

Hows about having the decency of at least trying to be on the same page as the majority here before vomiting AFC dilemmas eh?

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/

 

[Bible_Belt]

her daughter is her first priority

That's why she got divorced, right? Kids love divorce.

 

[penkitten]

The problem is that her ex husband is out of the picture and her daughter is incredibly clingy with her, like calling 8 times a day while she's at work clingy. I work at home and the last situation I want to get into is one where I feel like I'm trapped in a situation where I get very little alone time with her because the daughter has issues - at the moment she even sleeps in the same bed as her mother at almost 9 years old.

how fresh is this divorce that the kid cant sleep in her own bed yet and has to call her mom so often at work?

 

[jophil28]

Here are a couple of comments from someone who has been in your situation.

Firstly - the words that you used in your thread subject line bother me. You used the word "settle " . You are already thinking that she is NOT the best that you can do and if you got in an LTR with her, you would be accepting a woman who is below your "best case " requirements. Now read this again and again until the significance sinks in.

Secondly, the daughter is the way she is because her MOTHER has created a relationship with the kid of need, incompetence and utter emotional dependence. Many single Moms commonly recruit their children to be their source of comfort and intimacy.The children are elevated to the status of adults - they become surrogate partners in a sense. THis is a subtle form of abuse of the role of parenting. The mother treats the child as if she was a girlfriend . THe first sign of this MO is that discipline is removed from the house - the kid does whatever it wants. IN return the child is expected to be mom's confidante, comforter and "friend " . Mothers who do this will tell you how "close " she is to her children ( as if somehow this manipulation of children is a virtue). or how her child has special needs . Mom really means that she is DEPENDENT on her child . SHe is using her child for emotional warmth.
Children do not shape parent /child relationships - parents do, because they have all the power and control.
Finally, why is the kid so needy and clingy ? Because mom has promoted a parenting style which revolves around a deliberate attempt to create an emotionally and physically incompetent child. Why ? Because that way the kid never can grow up and move out and leave mom.
THis is all about Mom's needs, and to hell with the child's devlopmental requirements.

It is that simple and that selfish.

 

[Riegs]

First, before I can offer any advice.

Am I correct in that you have never met this woman face to face?

We've videoconferenced, email, text, and every phone conversation lasts about 3-4 hours. A lot of this will hinge on my attraction to her after we meet, because she's completely crazy about me.

Hows about having the decency of at least trying to be on the same page as the majority here before vomiting AFC dilemmas eh?

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/

Let me guess, I should spend another 5 years out there dating and qualifying numerous women just for the "fun" of it? I'm somewhat of an introvert myself, I don't enjoy going out much except if it relates to my hobbies or interests and I take little joy out of socializing with people I don't know. I have things to work on personally but this woman is very different (in terms of morals) than most of the girls I meet and find myself not able to respect.

That's why she got divorced, right? Kids love divorce.

Her husband would leave for days at a time out partying, doing drugs and sleeping with other women. They fought constantly and he was in no way a father. She now has sole custody over her daughter since the husband and his new girlfriend are physically abusive to one another even while the daughter is visiting and it's too dangerous an environment for her.

how fresh is this divorce that the kid cant sleep in her own bed yet and has to call her mom so often at work?

They've been separated for about 3 years, and the mother also lives with them but she's moving back to Portugal. They emigrated here 10 years ago and have very few social ties outside of the Portuguese church they go to.

Here are a couple of comments from someone who has been in your situation.

Thanks, I think it is an unhealthy situation but I also know it's because the father has nothing to do with the daughter. I just don't know if I'm ready or if I even want to act as a father figure to a child that's not mine. On the upside she'll be 18 in 9 years and hopefully out on her own. I'm trying to be realistic about all of this, as this woman definitely has all of the LTR qualities... even if I'm not at a stage in my life where I know if I'm ready to buckle myself down in a situation like this.

 

[joekerr31]

its mind numbing the things people ask. i mean, do you guys read threads?

because if you are reading the threads, i dont know how you can be asking about situations like this.

your asking for advice about how to handle a divorced mother that you've never met in real life.

but hey, whats the point in listening to past advice eh?

after all, why park the car in the garrage when you can drive it through the f*cking family room window.

i think this is it for me. i can't take the idiocy that continues to go on in here.

 

[MacAvoy]

Can anybody say "Captain Save a Ho"

 

[Riegs]

First, before I can offer any advice.

Am I correct in that you have never met this woman face to face?

We've videoconferenced, email, text, and every phone conversation lasts about 3-4 hours. A lot of this will hinge on my attraction to her after we meet, because she's completely crazy about me.

Hows about having the decency of at least trying to be on the same page as the majority here before vomiting AFC dilemmas eh?

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/

Let me guess, I should spend another 5 years out there dating and qualifying numerous women just for the "fun" of it? I'm somewhat of an introvert myself, I don't enjoy going out much except if it relates to my hobbies or interests and I take little joy out of socializing with people I don't know. I have things to work on personally but this woman is very different (in terms of morals) than most of the girls I meet and find myself not able to respect.

That's why she got divorced, right? Kids love divorce.

Her husband would leave for days at a time out partying, doing drugs and sleeping with other women. They fought constantly and he was in no way a father. She now has sole custody over her daughter since the husband and his new girlfriend are physically abusive to one another even while the daughter is visiting and it's too dangerous an environment for her.

how fresh is this divorce that the kid cant sleep in her own bed yet and has to call her mom so often at work?

They've been separated for about 3 years, and the mother also lives with them but she's moving back to Portugal. They emigrated here 10 years ago and have very few social ties outside of the Portuguese church they go to.

Here are a couple of comments from someone who has been in your situation.

Thanks, I think it is an unhealthy situation but I also know it's because the father has nothing to do with the daughter. I just don't know if I'm ready or if I even want to act as a father figure to a child that's not mine. On the upside she'll be 18 in 9 years and hopefully out on her own. I'm trying to be realistic about all of this, as this woman definitely has all of the LTR qualities... even if I'm not at a stage in my life where I know if I'm ready to buckle myself down in a situation like this.

its mind numbing the things people ask. i mean, do you guys read threads?

because if you are reading the threads, i dont know how you can be asking about situations like this.

your asking for advice about how to handle a divorced mother that you've never met in real life.

but hey, whats the point in listening to past advice eh?

after all, why park the car in the garrage when you can drive it through the f*cking family room window.

i think this is it for me. i can't take the idiocy that continues to go on in here.

Why is this idiocy? I've dated about 25 women in the past year. Only one was potential LTR material but for reasons I won't go into I ended it before it got off the ground. This girl is Portuguese, very traditional, loves to cook and is very hot. But she has a daughter, and due to their relationship it's a huge drawback for me, someone who normally wouldn't consider a single mom.

Can Anybody say "Captain Save a Ho"

She was a virgin before she married. She's not an incredibly social person and is very "1950's" in terms of her character and her views on sex, being she only wants it with someone who's committed to her, marriage or no marriage. I see what you're saying but I'm not looking to boost my self-esteem here. She's also incredibly independent, works 2 jobs and raises her daughter with no financial help from the ex husband.

 

[Blackmm]

We've videoconferenced, email, text, and every phone conversation lasts about 3-4 hours. A lot of this will hinge on my attraction to her after we meet, because she's completely crazy about me.

I'm thinking about buying a new car. There is one In the auto trader that I like, I have never driven it or seen it up close and personal, but judging from the picture, the emails and text messages the seller sent and hearing the engine run over the phone, I think I have enough info to make a purchase right now.

See where I am going with this?

 

[betterthandead]

in reference to "lower class women in bars" sounds like you've been rejected one too many times or just had bad luck trying to go for women in bars.

 

[Metro3pilot]

Her husband would leave for days at a time out partying, doing drugs and sleeping with other women. They fought constantly and he was in no way a father. She now has sole custody over her daughter since the husband and his new girlfriend are physically abusive to one another even while the daughter is visiting and it's too dangerous an environment for her.

Ok if this is even true ....... not only did she marry this guy, but decided to have a child with him as well .... one day he just turned into an azzhole without first showing signs of being one ..happens all the time

you know nothing about her, but what she wants you to know .....

tread carefully

 

[joekerr31]

theres a very simple rule in life.... you SHOULD judge peopel based on their past.

women who marry abusive men are TROUBLE. they've f*cked up their life and likely have f*cked up their kids as well.

these women are the ULTIMATE AFC trappers. they LOVE guys who play captain save a ho. they will milk him for everything he's worth, then toss him aside and find the next captain save a ho.

 

[squirrels]

Meet her face-to-face before you commit to anything. A couple of times, too, not just once. If you get any "bad vibes", pay extra-close attention to them. Don't shrug them off because you're an "introvert" and you're too lazy to put the effort into meeting women.

That's all an "introvert" is, really. Someone who's too lazy to put effort into socializing, or someone who's too scared of the outcome. I used to be more the latter...now I'm leaning more toward the former.

Learning social skills is like learning to read. Don't short-change your future and settle out of fear or laziness.

 

[Phyzzle]

Well, the situation isn't as dysfunctional as it seems: it's quite common for Greek/Italian/Spanish/Portugese children to be quite close to their families. These cultures have a different attitude towards domestic violence as well. It's not a simple thing to drop your marriage in a 2nd world Roman Catholic culture just because your husband is abusive.

If you're an older man, I can't really fault you for wanting to date a single mom. (PUT YOUR AGE IN YOUR PROFILE.)

But there are other problems.

I've dated about 25 women in the past year.

I really really really really really doubt that. Look at your own post:

I'm at this point where I want to break out of my shell and work on my social skills and retain some freedom, so I'm uncertain about what I should do.

How can a guy who gets 25 phone #'s and sets up 25 dates in a year need to work on his social skills? WTF?

Only one was potential LTR material but for reasons I won't go into I ended it before it got off the ground.

Please do. Those reasons must have been worse than 1000 miles of distance, a child, a bit of poverty, and a cultural divide, so I'm curious.

Anyways, don't make any rash decisions about asking some stranger about moving to be near you. Just fly to visit in a few months, and THEN start to think things over.

 

[Nighthawk]

you know nothing about her, but what she wants you to know .....

Quoted for truth.

 

[STR8UP]

How can anyone believe in such a fantasy?

I mean, c'mon....YOU"VE NEVER MET HER IN PERSON? And you believe that you two have "something strong"?

I fell into this trap once. But I managed to get my head out of the clouds before it went too far, and I know better than to EVER do it again.

 

[jophil28]

theres a very simple rule in life.... you SHOULD judge peopel based on their past.

women who marry abusive men are TROUBLE. they've f*cked up their life and likely have f*cked up their kids as well.

these women are the ULTIMATE AFC trappers. they LOVE guys who play captain save a ho. they will milk him for everything he's worth, then toss him aside and find the next captain save a ho.

Ain't this the truth !!
BEware of women who tell you a lot of stories about how abusive their ex- husbands were . These women are experts at living in OR creating the drama of life . They are NOT victims there are volunteers !