To Move In Or To Move On

[KinkyMan]

Hey guys,

I've been with this girl for 2.5 years. We are probably about to move in together but I feel like it's for the wrong reasons ->

I'm about to go back to school, so I won't have money. I have bad health, so the days of partying are over. She is incredibly supportive of me in both aspects, but is becoming a bit of a worried mother figure. I love her, but sometimes I am completely turned-off by her inability to let her mind go and let me take over, relax, and enjoy life.

However, this girl is incredibly smart, she helped me get into the aforementioned school, is willing to try anything to make it work. In many respects I doubt I could ever meet another girl like her.

The real problem is she just can't experience joy, aka she never has had an orgasm with anyone, she doesn't get my sense of humor anymore (or I've lost it). Maybe I have grown up, but I just don't find humor in most things anymore. We go through the same routines all the time, and she resists most times I try to switch it up (partly due to her owning a dog).

If I left her now, it would be a complete 180 degree turn. She has no friends, and would likely be stuck in a town, job, and apartment she would otherwise not have. If I refuse to move in with her, her apartment may choose to deny her application as well. Guys, she has helped me through dark times (terrible job, quitting smoking, health problems).

My friends and family like her and think I am much better off with her but they don't see the times I make a joke and she just goes "what?" or I talk about something I'm interested in such as music and she goes "oh um".

I know the gut reaction on this board will likely be -dump her- but I would like all of you to look at the facts and give me your honest opinion.

The optimal option is to move in with her and give it my best shot and move out in 6 months if it fails (it's a 6 month lease). But how hard is it to find a new place when living with a girl? Would I have to secretly start apartment hunting? Then I would be in a similar situation where I would be hurting her deeply.

Thanks for any input guys, this forum is a great resource for help.

~Kinkyman

 

[lookyoung]

I really think you should do exactly what your doing? Move in with her and see how it goes. This girl has always been there for you through tough times. I am big on loyalty and you should be a little more patient with her than you would with other girls. It sounds like this girl truly loves you. Remember that.

Sometimes people think the grass is greener on the other side, but I feel good woman like this are somewhat rare, so whatever decision you make really give it some thought. If she is good to you in every way and you are attracted to her physically than I would probably stick with it, because you may live to regret it.

As far as girls not being able to orgasm? I have met girls that never even cummmmed by themselves. I have met girls that can only cummmmm by oral. Some woman for whatever reason can't achieve orgasm. I wouldn't put alot of weight on this.

 

[KinkyMan]

Hey,

Thanks for the thoughts. I probably will go through with this.

There are some possibly darker reasons for my doubt (this may ring true of other fellow board members as well, when they get into LTRs). I'm afraid that some of my troubled times have occurred due to being tied to her. For the longest time, was life was for women. Get healthy -> for women. Get a career -> for women.

Now that I have one, now what. I am slowly figuring this out but I think I resent my girl for keeping me away from that. Keeping me away from new people and different perspectives on life. Somehow I have keep my thirst for life intact when I'm with a girl.

Ironically some of my new thirst for life is coming from her help in going back to school. But now, going back to school, I will resent her from keeping me away from the people and girls. Nothing is more enjoyable to me than talking a stranger and getting a glimpse of their life. When I do this in front of my girl, she freaks because she views it as socially awkward and breaking down norms. I enjoy breaking social norms, but it gets too awkward for even me when you get older. The underlining dark reason is fear of getting older (I live in a very youth oriented town, the average age of the places I like is around 21).

EDIT: haha she just sent me an email about furniture for the new place

 

[Phyzzle]

She desperately needs her own friends. My brother had a very similar problem. In his case, his girl was being too possessive, mainly because she had nothing to do but sit by her phone and wonder where he was. He basically forced her to go do non-work-related things until she had friends.

Is this girl a bit of a homebody? Learn to cook with her. Start having dinners and house parties. You each have to find people to invite.

Yeah, it sounds like a middle-age thing to do, but

I have bad health, so the days of partying are over.

If you can't be young anymore, it's time to be grown-up.

 

[iqqi]

Wow, don't underestimate your chick.

If you broke up with her, she would make new friends, find another apartment, and eventually a new boyfriend. So if you are only staying with her because you are "worried" about what will happen to her if you leave... that is an awful reason and you aren't doing her any favors.

It seems like it is time to move on, if you are feeling dead in the water so to speak. A person should make you feel alive and want to be better, IMO. The fact that you feel like you could DO better without her means the relationship has run its course, I have to say.

Do the both of you a favor, and let this one go. If you do it the right way, then you might be able to get it back in the future if you realize that she is the one for you. Life is short, don't spend it handcuffing yourself to possible regrets and certain resentments.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4

NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I'm adamantly opposed to the "shacking up" dynamic, it is a trap that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor agianst this isn't based on some moral issue, it it simple pragmatism. I know guys right now living in the pit of misery with women they signed apartment leases with for a year and are basically living with their exes now for the duration. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of anonymity, you commit legally to being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.

I should also emphasize the point that when you commit (and it is a financial commitment, doubly so with a dog) to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it's just your name) is akin to signing an insurance polcy for her - "I the undersigned herby promise not to ƒuck any woman but this girl for a one year term." She thinks, "if he wasn't serious about me, he wouldn't have signed the lease." Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she's got it in writing that it is for at least a year. And in your case it doesn't sound as if she's all that sexually available in the first place.

Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you spin more plates or at the very least keep each other at arm's distance. Look how this applies to your situation here.

 

[decades]

You're "rescuing" her after she "rescued" you. Neither of you have developed any self reliance. I suspect you each need to learn how to be a happy by yourself, and also learn to take care of your own needs. My thoughts are that moving in will end in heartache for one or both of you.

 

[LovelyLady]

My two cents:

I think you should tell her everything you have shared here.

You have been with this woman for 2 1/2 years - it is important to talk about your relationship concerns with the person you are in the relationship with.

Share your thoughts and feelings regarding making such an important move forward in the relationship. If you honestly feel that is not possible to talk with her about something this important - then to me, THAT is the real red flag.

Also, from what you have said, it sounds like there is a shift occurring - where the focus is off of working on/improving you, so to speak - and moving to having to attend to the relationship itself.

It is important to define and acknowledge areas of strength and challenge if you both choose to move forward in that direction. What is the true purpose of the two of you being together?

If you want to assume more of a leadership role, YOU bringing up the topic and having a real vision of what you need individually - as well as what you think you will need as a couple - will help that shift in leadership occur.

 

[Desdinova]

It almost sounds like this woman may be suffering from depression. Moving in with her will not help the situation.

Also, to re-quote Rollo:

NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

I agree 100%. If you're not engaged to her and she is suffering from depression, you're setting yourself up for a bad experience. A woman who is depressed will only help drag you down to her level and will become incredibly flakey. It really sounds like she needs to get help, or she needs to move on to someone else. If you're having trouble with her now, things will only go further downhill when you move in together.

You need to get your relationship in tip-top shape before you get this serious with her. If it can't be done, then maybe you should consider moving on.

 

[Latinoman]

I don't like the "live with a girlfriend" advice. In fact, I strongly discourage that.

However, I will make an exception here. You know her for 2.5 years...you were a phuck up and she was there for you. And she won't get a place without you.

You are 25 now...and very likely you will be 25 six months from today (six months lease). Due to the past you both shared and the fact you feel you are in debt with her...I would tough it up for another six months (as it is obvious you still love her)...and then leave. Six months is more than enough for her to get her sh_it together.

The other alternative (which is not a bad one) is what Desidnova and Rollo advised you. To simply turn your back completely toward her. That means a CLEAN BREAK. I am not against that advice either.

So, it is your choice...

 

[lookyoung]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4I should also emphasize the point that when you commit (and it is a financial commitment, doubly so with a dog) to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy.

Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you spin more plates or at the very least keep each other at arm's distance. Look how this applies to your situation here.

I can see the reasoning here. But why even get married than? Wouldn't that be the same thing or even worse. It sounds like what your saying is woman don't like sex as much as men do. I think there are still ways even if you live with a woman to be able to fuk her whenever you want to fuk her. This is by fuking her good and showing her who the man in the relationship is. Basically not being a pu$$y. Any woman even if you live with her will fuk your brains out any time you want if you show her that you won't put up with the pu$$Y power games. A woman that respects her man will give him sex any fvcking time he wants it. And if she doesn't without a valid excuse( Period) than I take it that she is being disrespectful to me. Even if she is on her period I feel she could at least give me a BJ.

We are men and we have desires. If a woman does not want to fulfill our desires than she has to know you will not put up with it. The best thing for a man to do when a woman refuses him sex for the first time is don't come home that night. Teach her a lesson. Show her how much of a man you could really be. Woman stop putting out because men put up with it. I was one of those guys once(GF was depressed). I would never let that happen again.

You should only move in with a woman if you feel that you have a future with her. (meaning planning on marrying her). Otherwise if you don't want to marry her than its a stupid thing to do. Most guys that move in with girls that don't plan on marrying them are either broke, AFC's who can't get any pu$$Y so they are happy with in house pu$$y as I call it.

 

[Magma]

I think a lot of guys see LTR's or moving in with a girl as some sort of statement to society and their friends that says, "Hey! Look at me! I must be doing something right to have a LTR and a girl that wants to cohabitate! I am a real man."

Bah!

It's an ILLUSION. Most of the time, two people stay together because of the convenience. But if I keep hitting you on the head with a hammer, and have been doing it for the last two years, you would want me to stop, right?

Some guys just continue to take the hammer to the head, because it's been happening for two years and they "are scared of what life would be like without it." Sound ridiculous? IT IS!

You need to start living your own life and get on with it already while you're still young.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER AND

DTB!

 

[The Bat]

Hey guys,

I've been with this girl for 2.5 years. We are probably about to move in together but I feel like it's for the wrong reasons ->

I'm about to go back to school, so I won't have money. I have bad health, so the days of partying are over. She is incredibly supportive of me in both aspects, but is becoming a bit of a worried mother figure. I love her, but sometimes I am completely turned-off by her inability to let her mind go and let me take over, relax, and enjoy life.

However, this girl is incredibly smart, she helped me get into the aforementioned school, is willing to try anything to make it work. In many respects I doubt I could ever meet another girl like her.

The real problem is she just can't experience joy, aka she never has had an orgasm with anyone, she doesn't get my sense of humor anymore (or I've lost it). Maybe I have grown up, but I just don't find humor in most things anymore. We go through the same routines all the time, and she resists most times I try to switch it up (partly due to her owning a dog).

If I left her now, it would be a complete 180 degree turn. She has no friends, and would likely be stuck in a town, job, and apartment she would otherwise not have. If I refuse to move in with her, her apartment may choose to deny her application as well. Guys, she has helped me through dark times (terrible job, quitting smoking, health problems).

My friends and family like her and think I am much better off with her but they don't see the times I make a joke and she just goes "what?" or I talk about something I'm interested in such as music and she goes "oh um".

There are 9 sentences I have highlighted (bold) in your post that I'm going to discuss (they are numbered in order of appearance in the quote):

1) It sounds like you already know the reasons behind making the decision. Your mind is made up. You're smart enough to realize that your rational supports your belief that it's a bad decision. So, what do you want us to tell you? Do you just want to hear from us what you've already figured out in your head? You don't have to answer the question but you should realize how this thread is more of "affirmation" than "advice" to you.

2) No money, and bad health. What's happening to you? You're only 25 and you're starting to sound like an old man (no offense to other posters ) Now, I understand the money situation since you're going to school. But you need to sort this out.

Will you save more money by moving in with your g/f OR by moving in some crappy apartment (which you, as a guy, shouldn't be too concerned about because you know it's temporary)? If you are going to say thay you will save more money by moving in with g/f, then you could do just the same by moving in with somebody else...a stranger, perhaps a classmate. With a stranger roommate, at least you'll have your freedom because you won't be required to spend, literally, every waking moment with your g/f-roommate.

And bad health. Come on, guy. How do you have bad health? Are you getting fat or getting skinny? You can't sort out a healthy, affordable diet or join a gym or go jogging? If you tell me that you don't have the time or money or knowledge to do any of the above, then I'd tell you to post in Health & Fitness forum. There are many people over there that will help you sort out the health problem. Now, if you actually have a medical condition, then that's a different ball game. The point is, stop feeling like an old man. You're only 25. I'm sure lot of 40 year olds here will agree with me and tell you to get off your butt and get your health back together.

3) Hmm, that's bad news that she's treating you like a child. A good companion (i.e. g/f) is somebody who doesn't baby sit you. A good companion is somebody who supports you and knows that you're smart enough to take care of yourself. She is becoming overly protective of you, which is always bad for a relationship. There is a fine line between being a supprotive g/f and a controlling, possesive g/f. I believe she's crossed that line.

4) She is becoming too attached and clingy. Why would you continue to put up with this? Tell her that you want to relax and enjoy life. Tell her she's being overly protective and "motherly" figure.

5) ONEitis. That's all I have to say about that statement.

6) Chances are you haven't lost your sense of humor. Chances are you've become predictable in your humor. Chances are she's bored by your routine humor. Chances are she can finish your sentence off for you. Chances are the excitment and the spark in the relationship is gone.

7) See #6.

8) Just because she has helped you through dark times does not mean that she owns you. It does not give her any right to dictate how you're going to feel. It does not let her control your lifestyle and your sense of humor. It does not mean that you're obligated to continue on with the relationship when you know in your heart that the ship has taken turn for the worst. It does not mean you should move in together.

9) Family and friends only see the superficial aspect of a relationship. They are attributing her helping you through bad times as the foundation of a good relationship. And you know that this is farther from the truth. If you didn't, well then I've just explained it to you. Your family and friends have good intentions and only want the best for you, but in the end, they are NOT YOU. They don't know how you TRULY FEEL about the relationship. Realize that most people want to give positive, supportive advice but the problem is they fail to be honest with you at times. Their sense of care for you trumps the negative aspects of the relationship.

Now, look here. You need to be your own man. You should've been strong enough to help yourself through the bad times. You should've only needed her for support or encouragment. What would have happened to you if she had left you or had never met you? We all know what the answer is. Do you like the answer?

Do not rely on another human being so much that you can't make it through life without them telling you what to do. There is a big difference between having somebody at your side who supports and encourages you and having somebody to tell you what direction to take and to push you in that direction. Only depend on yourself to figure out how you're going to live your life. Let others criticize or support you in your endeavors. Just like you will be doing with the solid advice that everybody here has given you.

As I said in the begining, you already know what to do.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

It sounds like what your saying is woman don't like sex as much as men do.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Only I'd rephrase this as "women don't want sex as much as men do." It is a biological impossibility for women to want sex to the same degree men do. A health male possesses 17 times the amount of testosterone a woman does 24 hours a day. For women testosterone is cyclic; peaking at the 2 week point in her menstrual cycle when she's most fertile and dropping during menstruation (thus she's more likely to conceive). Even at a woman's horniest, she doesn't experience what you and I do on a daily basis.

Any woman even if you live with her will fuk your brains out any time you want if you show her that you won't put up with the pu$$Y power games. A woman that respects her man will give him sex any fvcking time he wants it.

ROTFLMFAO! :crackup:

You obviously have never lived with a woman for any length of time. This is a guy's fantasy live in arrangement, that if he moves in with a woman the sex will come with the utilities. Heheh,..

The best thing for a man to do when a woman refuses him sex for the first time is don't come home that night. Teach her a lesson. Show her how much of a man you could really be. Woman stop putting out because men put up with it.

The problem is you still have to go home and live with her. Women ration sex when they get into a live-in situation because the sexual competition anxiety is relaxed. You're in an LTR, you wake up she's there. You come home from work, there she is. The dynamic of your relationship changes. As I stated, all of the urgency and anxiety she had to want to bang you 6 ways from tuesday to keep you coming back for more is gone. All that's replaced with a comfort in knowing you still have to come home, your name's on the lease. And even if you mustered up the motivation to "teach her a lesson" where are you going to have sex with your new girl? Not back at the place your paying rent for.

Now all that said, what makes more sense? To live independently and enjoy the options to do exactly what you've just described unhindered with a live-n GF or move her in and have to deal with it every waking moment? Moving in with a woman implies commitment, and whenever you commit to anything you lose your two most valuable resources, options and the ability to maneuver.

 

[KinkyMan]

@Rollo Tomassi

Woah dude, you may be right, but relationships are about more than sex and dare I say it, attraction. Important, yes - end all, no.

@The Bat

Good post. Yes, I am aware that my post is about confirmation. The terrible fact is that I must decide in the next hour (aka I must cancel my lease) (well i may piss her and the apartment owners so I have 1 more day). So it goes...

To all:

I probably should add to this post: I have already been practically living at her apartment, for which going between the two apartments, working, cooking with her and walking her dog with her has become the doldrums of my existence. Due to an unfortunate health condition I get very little good sleep. Ironically, I sleep better alone because I have enough room to lay in a position that is not painful (we are considering getting a King sized bed).

Additionally, I have mentioned everything in this post to her likely multiple times. Sometimes I feel like there's nothing wrong with this girl, I'm just set on self-destructing because I, like Rollo, sometimes value attraction as the key component. She basically stopped going for it (it being enjoyment of the moment) and now she's a supportive, helpful, but oh so very un-enamored girl. No quick fix for it, only hard work forever. My fear is that it's nothing to do with me and as some have suggested, she has some sort of vague malaise.

 

[lookyoung]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Only I'd rephrase this as "women don't want sex as much as men do." It is a biological impossibility for women to want sex to the same degree men do. A health male possesses 17 times the amount of testosterone a woman does 24 hours a day. For women testosterone is cyclic; peaking at the 2 week point in her menstrual cycle when she's most fertile and dropping during menstruation (thus she's more likely to conceive). Even at a woman's horniest, she doesn't experience what you and I do on a daily basis.

There is no doubting that we have more testosterone than woman. That is why we are stronger and should be the leaders of the household. Woman need to respect us and look up to us. I don't care if a woman is not horny, if she respects you she should be putting out. Personally I feel that if a woman DENIES her husband sex more than once a week she is a cvnt and her husband should be able to divorce her on the spot.

Also this thing about woman being on there period and not feeling like having sex was brought on by feminism. PMS was brought on by feminism. Guys accepting that there wives dont want to have sex with them was brought on by feminism. This was brought on by the western culture.

Do you think in Africa a woman would be able to turn down her husband for sex? How about in the middleeast? These woman would never turn down there husbands for sex because they respect men as being the Head of the household. These brauds in this country will fvck 100 guys and than refuse there husband for sex. Yet these girls who have never even kissed a guy before marriage will not refuse them? Why is that? Because in one house you have an alpha male running it and in the other you have a womans rights activist running it.

Its amazing how the girl that does porn has a lower sex drive to her husband than a girl who is living in saudi arabia covered from head to toe.

ROTFLMFAO! :crackup: You obviously have never lived with a woman for any length of time. This is a guy's fantasy live in arrangement, that if he moves in with a woman the sex will come with the utilities. Heheh,..

yes I have lived with woman. One of them used to wake me up in the middle of the night to give me *******s and fvck me. The other one was a cvnt who got on antideppressants and she would play the pu$$y power game and that is why I dumped her ass. (although I have to admit I had oneitis for her for a while but I stayed strong and did not contact her).

All that's replaced with a comfort in knowing you still have to come home, your name's on the lease. And even if you mustered up the motivation to "teach her a lesson" where are you going to have sex with your new girl? Not back at the place your paying rent for.

I would have sex with the girl back at her place or a motel. hell even the back seat of my car. And I would make it known to the girl I was living with that I don't appreciate you turning me down for sex. I find that to be very disrespectful and in order for me to happy in this relationship its very important that we have sex often, and if you don't deliver than we can't be together. The best way to really send the message home is don't come home for the night. If the girl loves you she will put up with it and you will be getting laid more than you were before.