To get engaged or not?

[Miles28]

Right guys, I don't post on here often but I could use some advice?

Background
------------

I'm 29 years old and work a doctor. I have really only had two serious relationships (and the first one was a disaster - she liked me a lot, I was apathetic about her, so that doesn't really count) and have only slept with five girls.

I have been with my current girlfriend for 6 years (she is 28). She is a great person and has stuck by me through a lot of stuff. She has always been loyal, caring, etc. She is intelligent and beautiful.

The Problem
------------

For the last couple of years I have come under increasing pressure to pop the question. To my discredit, rather than tackling this head on I just decided to stall in the hope that the issue would go away. Obviously it didn't, it just became more and more pressing.

Recently we had 'the talk' again and I admitted I wasn't ready to get engaged. We broke up as a result.

Why don't I want to get engaged? To be honest I just don't feel ready. I'm very attracted to other girls. I understand that is normal but I actually find myself wanting to act on that urge (I did once and felt and still feel wretched about it). However when I consider being married to this person for the rest of my life I think it's almost inevitable that I will cheat again. Hell at this stage I think I would cheat whoever I was with.

Our relationship was good in many ways before the break up. The main problem for me was that the thrill had gone and I, and I think she, had become less sexually interested in the relationship. However from what I understand this is pretty normal in all LTRs with initial lust giving way to a deeper but less exciting affection.

Unfortunately at this point I am worried about giving that up. I love kissing girls for the first time, seeing them naked for the first time, etc. The thought of giving all that above forever fills me with dread.

The Question
---------------

Given what I have said above I expect many of you will just say that I am obviously better off out of the relationship. However I will be giving up a wonderful girl and a girl that I do love. Obviously something is missing in the relationship, but without having a good reference point, I think it would be missing in whatever relationship I was in - in other words I think maybe it's just me.

Since we broke up I have been pretty miserable. I have been on a couple of dates but nothing has really come of it. I'm tall, slim, good looking (well that appears to be the general concensus) but I do have a feeling that for whatever reason women don't particularly respond to me - not sure why. At this stage I have no idea whether I will meet other girls, let alone quality ones.

So what should I do? If I get engaged I'll have a great girlfriend who will always be there for many, go wherever with me and who I genuinely like spending time with. However as I said I think I'll always feel a bit resentful that she made me commit before I was ready to (or maybe I won't who knows?) and may end up straying. I guess in an ideal world I'd like two years to go out and sleep with as many chicks as I could and then settle down with this girl. Erm it goes without saying that that is obviously not an option.

I also really don't want kids at any point in the near future. There was another post about the whole standard 'Walmart' type life. I hate the idea of that. It makes me sick when I see some father type dragging his screaming kids around the supermarket. I like fun, adventure and romance (although at the moment i'm not doing much to fulfil any of those things).

What should I do? Is this clearcut? I don't want to live a life of regret, be it regretting losing 'the one' or regretting being trapped in something I never wanted.

Thanks.

 

[DJCT]

I was in an almost identical situation and could've written this post myself 2 years ago.

At this stage I have no idea whether I will meet other girls, let alone quality ones.

Sounds like your fear is the biggest thing keeping you interested in pursuing this relationship.

Why don't I want to get engaged? To be honest I just don't feel ready. I'm very attracted to other girls. I understand that is normal but I actually find myself wanting to act on that urge (I did once and felt and still feel wretched about it). However when I consider being married to this person for the rest of my life I think it's almost inevitable that I will cheat again. Hell at this stage I think I would cheat whoever I was with.

Our relationship was good in many ways before the break up. The main problem for me was that the thrill had gone and I, and I think she, had become less sexually interested in the relationship. However from what I understand this is pretty normal in all LTRs with initial lust giving way to a deeper but less exciting affection.

Unfortunately at this point I am worried about giving that up. I love kissing girls for the first time, seeing them naked for the first time, etc. The thought of giving all that above forever fills me with dread.

Sounds like your interest in her has also dropped.

I think it would be missing in whatever relationship I was in - in other words I think maybe it's just me.

I agree. I think the missing piece is being honest with yourself about what you really want at this stage of your life and acting on it.

Like many of us (myself definitely included ), I think you know what you really want, know what you have to do and just haven't been able to tackle your fear yet and start taking action.

 

[Miles28]

Thanks DJCT. I think you're probably right that my interest has dropped. The problem is I hate myself for it, she is great but I guess you can't help the way you feel. I find myself attracted to much less good looking girls. What a fool I am.

I did act though. We had 'the talk' many times before and I always found a way to placate her, to smooth things over. I didn't this time and I knew it would lead to a break up.

It hurts like hell. Really, I was just reading an archive post by BGC (actually his situation sounds like it was very similar to the one I am in now) and what was said on there rang very true.

I have friends but they are all a bit spread out and I don't think some of them have been as supportive as they could have been, given that this is actually a big deal for me and I have always been there to listen to them whine, the selfish b*stards.

 

[Phyzzle]

Don't think that fate decrees that you have to "grow up" and be married someday. If it isn't for you, it isn't for you. Especially if the idea of kids isn't appealing.

 

[L B]

If you're not ready, you're not ready. Force yourself into a marriage, and you will ruin it in no time.

She might be the right girl who came at the wrong time. It will be hard to find another one like her when you are ready, but there will be others. I have had several relationships in the past that was wife material, but I was not ready for that committment. I had to let it go. Now I am with someone I feel confident in marrying in a couple of years.

 

[lookyoung]

Well I would like to say that in this situation she is in the right. She is 28 and you guys have been together for 6 years so she has a right to ask for a commitment. It seems that your not ready to get married right now and want to fvck more woman before you settle down.

She may be the right girl for you but not at this present time. But let me just warn you sometimes the grass is not greener on the othe side. I have had my fair share of sex with different woman but at this point in my life I would trade that in for a girl who is right for me.

Good woman in todays society especially in the standards that I have are hard to come by. I have dated plenty of woman and too be honest I would consider very few marriage material. Having sex with different woman after a while gets old. But if you need to satisfy that urge than go for it.

 

[cordoncordon]

I have been with my current girlfriend for 6 years (she is 28). She is a great person and has stuck by me through a lot of stuff. She has always been loyal, caring, etc. She is intelligent and beautiful.

Unfortunately at this point I am worried about giving that up. I love kissing girls for the first time, seeing them naked for the first time, etc. The thought of giving all that above forever fills me with dread.

Sounds like a case of wanting to have your cake and eat it to, a case of the grass is always greener, a case of you never know what you have until it's gone, a case of the cows never come home to.....oh wait I'm getting carried away with my cliches here.


The bottom line is 99.9999999999999999% of all men want to have the loyal, caring, beautiful wife to go home to, and the hot little 22 year old to F whenever we see fit. But, alas, society doesn't really smile upon that, and nor would your wife, and nor would your conscience probably.

If you have all that you are looking for in a woman with your ex, and the only reason you haven't gotten married yet is because you lust after other young hotties? Well, that will never change. You just have to decide is it worth giving up the love, comfort, compatibility of your ex for the chance to sleep with other chickies. But sense you dont seem like the type that really goes out or sleeps with a lot of other girls anyway....I guess your motivation for breaking up is a little mystifying to me.

Personally? I think your blowing it and if you aren't careful she's gonna be loving on some other guy very very soon, and you are going to be nothing but old, time, and lame. And heartbroken.

 

[thedeparted]

Basically, your social value is going up, as a doctor, and hers is going down, as a woman approaching 30. So naturally you want to wait, she wants to commit.

If you want to keep playing the field, you'll have no problem. I think you just say to the women, "Hi, my name is Dr. Miles, your place or mine?" ;-)

HOWEVER, the problem is, you won't have the time to play the field you did when you were 21-22. So you're going to be looking at screwing nurses or other doctors. Or else impairing your practice to take more time off for other venues.

Also, you know the risk factors with sleeping around, being a doctor. Stuff like Eppstein-Barr, HPV, Herpes, etc., you can't cure and can't prevent with a condom. If you get that, it will mess up your life, and your prospects.

So I really think you might be best off with a prenup and a fiance. BUT, if she wants kids, and you don't, that is a deal-breaker. You cannot work around that issue.

P.S. If she is a great girl, guys like me will snap her up. So you don't have forever to sit around and decide. Now that I think about it, did one of my new girls say something about this doctor she was dating???

 

[decades]

Being ambivalent is not a way to enter into a marriage.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Read this.

A Misconception about Marriage

 

[Luveno]

You did the right thing in breaking up with her.

A woman who is pressuring her man to get married is setting the frame of your relationship RELATIVE TO WHAT SOCIETY OR HER FRIENDS DEEM IS APPROPRIATE. She is not treating your relationship as unique.

It is clear that she wants to get married not because she loves you, but because she wants to attain the status of being married to a doctor. Trust me, I've been through it.

If she was truly in love with you, she would respect your decision not to get married and stay with you regardless, without batting an eyelash.

You did the right thing in putting your foot down and not letting her and society set the frame of your relationship by forcing you into marriage.

Personally? I think your blowing it and if you aren't careful she's gonna be loving on some other guy very very soon, and you are going to be nothing but old, time, and lame. And heartbroken.

I'm happy that you are expressing your opinion, cordoncordon. But you've got much to learn about being an independent male, because what you've just told this fine gentleman is to be a lapdog for a woman. You really have not a clue about DJism. Please read up about it.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Miles, I agree with most of the posters here that you did the right thing in breaking the R off. There is no point in pursuing something with her at the moment since you both want different things.

I'm not sure why she pushed the M question so much. Surely she must've understood, in the 6 yrs she spent with you, that you just aren't ready for the big M. Still, she persisted. This begs the question, was she with you because she was truly in love with you, or was she with you because of what you stand for (i.e. the status of being a doctor, etc).

As a woman, I can tell you that if I'm in love with a man, truly in love, nothing will stop me from being with him. I will go, full force, with all that I have to remain his romantic partner. However, if I sense that his interest in me is waning, I will let go. No one wants an ambivalent partner. This is the worst kind of lover to have - one who wants you, but not enough. I'm sure she smelled the ambivalence many times and eventually figured that if she didn't corner you and get you to commit, you would eventually leave.

I suspect her wanting you to marry her had more to do with her ensuring some kind of a legal, permanent sort of security than her wanting to be with you.

We can sit here and try to guess what her real motives are, but unless you can read her mind, we really won't know. So really, all of this is conjecture on my part.

Perhaps she stayed with you hoping that one day you'll eventually give in and pop the question - that one day, she'll break you down and get you to commit on her terms.

Frankly, I don't think you really do love her (based on what you've written here). The fact that you find other women (of lesser value, physically) attractive, the fact that you long to hit it with them, suggests that you really aren't that into her. You got comfortable. Your ex was there for you during tough times, you say she was patient, and so, you wonder if maybe another woman like this will ever come along.

I assume that to her a marriage entails fidelity. You clearly cannot give her that. If you really were in love with her, other women would not compare. It really is simple as that.

You went with your gut. You don't want to settle for her because for whatever reason she isn't giving you everything you need.

It's your guilt that is causing you all this heartache. The guilt of having spent so much time with her, guilt over the time she invested in you and the R.

I say, deal with the guilt, address it head on and then move on from there. You can't beat yourself up for leaving something you don't want with your full heart.

In the end, you did her a favour.

 

[cordoncordon]

I'm happy that you are expressing your opinion, cordoncordon. But you've got much to learn about being an independent male, because what you've just told this fine gentleman is to be a lapdog for a woman. You really have not a clue about DJism. Please read up about it.

Ahhhh, Ok. Thank you. Drive through please.

What I told this gentleman was he is more than likely blowing something that he will live to regret for the rest of his live. You guys are all missing a very important point here. This man isn't exactly what we would call a ladies man. He is admitting to the fact that he struggles with women, that women struggle with him, and that he isn't exactly a player when it comes to having sex. What this man is suffering from is a lack of previous experience with women, so he thinks there is something better and greater out there due to his lack of sexing with other various women.
Now, if this guy was a true ladies man, a player, someone who enjoyed that kind of life, yeah I would say don't marry the girl. But he isn't, so for most of you guys to say he is missing out and he should go F a bunch of other women, when that really isn't his style, I think you are leading this guy down the wrong path.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Quality women are rare. Even more rare when you factor the whole compatibilty thing in.

Miles28, you face a decision that nobody but yourself can answer.

What I would do, in your situation. I would realize the woman I have in front of me, I would read the bible from this site, and think deep, focus on how compatible I was with this gal.

If you decide to test the waters, you will leave her behind.

I would suggest taking a few weeks trip overseas to travel, to clear you head. I faced your exact situation when I was 21. I travelled overseas and the answer was clear for me when I got home.

 

[AlphaSoldier]

Grow up, dude.

Are you 29 or 19?

-AS

 

[Bible_Belt]

The OP is a doctor? That's like being a rock star. You should get women throwing themselves at you all the time.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

The OP is a doctor? That's like being a rock star. You should get women throwing themselves at you all the time.

Women like Heather Mills?

 

[azanon]

(OP) If you have to ask the question, the answer is no (don't get engaged).

I asked my (now) wife because I really wanted to and no one put me up to it. Likewise, she said yes immediately. Any other way, is the wrong way and is asking for trouble.

Marriages are supposed to be forever. That being said, there needs to be not one doubt in your mind. I only needed to read your thread title to know you have doubts.

 

[Luveno]

Ahhhh, Ok. Thank you. Drive through please.

What I told this gentleman was he is more than likely blowing something that he will live to regret for the rest of his live. You guys are all missing a very important point here. This man isn't exactly what we would call a ladies man. He is admitting to the fact that he struggles with women, that women struggle with him, and that he isn't exactly a player when it comes to having sex. What this man is suffering from is a lack of previous experience with women, so he thinks there is something better and greater out there due to his lack of sexing with other various women.
Now, if this guy was a true ladies man, a player, someone who enjoyed that kind of life, yeah I would say don't marry the girl. But he isn't, so for most of you guys to say he is missing out and he should go F a bunch of other women, when that really isn't his style, I think you are leading this guy down the wrong path.

You've misinterpreted my post.

I am not suggesting he go play up other women and have as much sex as he can.

I'm suggesting that he finds a woman that respects his desires and his definition of what the relationship should be. In order for him to do this, he has to go out and search around. He has to be able to "NEXT" women who do not respect his lifestyle and desires.

The woman he speaks of now is defining the relationship based on societal pressures, and what her friends say, and not on what her partner thinks.

As for you saying this man's time is running out; I would have to disagree. It is women for which time is an enemy; for every year that passes, a woman loses her appeal. For men, it is quite the opposite - especially if the man holds a high-status position like doctor, lawyer, professional athlete, CEO etc.
Men appreciate over time, women lose value! This is another simple tenet of "the natural order of things".

 

[Miles28]

Thanks for all the very good (if conflicting!) replies.

I guess there is some truth in both sides of the argument.

Purplehaze, I think you were the only female poster on this thread and what you said was interesting. Do you REALLY think that if a man is really into his girlfriend or wife he doesn't look around? Every guy I know lusts after other women, most of them just don't act on it (a lot do though). Does this mean none of them are really into their other half?

Cordoncordon, I appreciate what you're saying. I think I maybe overstated my lack of confidence with women. I'm not bad but I'd say i'm not great. However, and without wanting to boast, I think the raw ingredients are there - looks, humour, height, fairly bright, etc. I think picking up women is just a knack (if that's the right word) that I never picked up because I have tended to be in LTRs more than out on the scene. That said girls will fairly often approach me in clubs, etc and the girls I have been with have all been hot. I don't know, I think I could do ok.

Everybody - the doctor thing is a bit of a myth! Honestly I have other friends who are doctors and many of them are good looking guys. The doctor thing does NOT guarantee getting laid on a regular basis (except with nurses). Well thinking about it it is easy to sleep with nurses, secretaries, etc if you're a doc but the 'I'm a doctor' line doesn't hold much value with other doctors, lawyers, investment bankers, etc as they are earning as much/more cash. There's still a certain cache to it I suppose.

And yes I am acutely aware that I could be giving up something wonderful but the split in opinions on this thread shows that it's not an easy decision and is all the much harder when you're actually in the situation.

Anyway thanks, appreciate all the replies!