To dump or not to dump...

[realsmoothie]

OK guys, I'm in foreign territory here. I need serious advice.

For those who don't know me, I'm a 32 year old guy who only recently really started trying out the DJ thing. I'd only had sex with two women and dated maybe three until I was 30. Since then things have really improved.

A couple of months ago I started seeing this girl "Katie". I've known her for a couple of years, sort of dated her best friend two years ago. I always thought she was pretty cute, but knew that we could never seriously date because she's pretty domestic/cutesy (collects Disney dolls, not very intellectual, doesn't get much of my sarcasm, etc.).

We got together because we'd see each other at the same bar and drank and dirty-danced. It was pretty obvious there was some sexual chemistry.

So we started watching movies at her place, and it would always end up with us in some state of undress... but it had been so long since I'd f*cked someone (too much porn, dammit... my wang doesn't know a real girl when it sees one) that I couldn't really get it up.

This kind of continued for a month or so. I was opening up to her about the non-boner thing, we'd cuddle a lot (now, I like to cuddle) and it became pretty clear that we were getting to be a "couple" whether I wanted it or not. Now, I didn't mind, because I was finally close to getting laid.

Last week, it finally happened. I f*cked her, it was great.

The problem? I don't want a serious relationship with her. I mean, I'll gladly "date" her, hang out, have sex, yadda yadda... but I want to be able to see other people.

Since I have no experience with dating... I have no idea what to do. I could flat out drop her, which would be pretty devastating to her at this point, or I could negotiate some kind of "slowing down". But I really have idea HOW to do either, particularly since my reasoning (if truthful) is going to basically be "we're just not compatible". I'm sure that she thinks that - with all the cuddling and stroking I'm really into her.

Any ideas? It's spring and I'm seeing the flesh starting to strut on the streets and my newfound sex-drive is going nuts.

 

[Vulpine]

Smoothdoggy, lean back in your chair and re-read your post.

Does it say anywhere that you are obligated to be serious with this chick? Does it say anywhere that you had an exclusivity discussion?

What you are feeling here is guilt. WHO's guilt?

See, there are several "obstacles" to clear during an evolution from AFC to DJ. It would seem that this is one of them.

You appear to be at a point now where you have a guilty feeling for having banged this chick but don't want to be serious. This guilt is the product of society/mommy/cosmo/sitcoms/church telling you what's right and wrong, and you have yet to shed this AFC thinking.

You know I'm not calling you AFC outright, I'm saying that this guilt, or sense of obligation, is AFC. Right?

The truth is, you can never talk to her again. You could never see her again, ignore her calls, whatever you want. Just because you banged this chick doesn't mean you have to move her in and put a ring on her finger, does it? Nope. You don't HAVE to do anything. See her less if you want, see her more if you want, fux her, don't fux her, whatever: whatever YOU want. That freedom to do whatever is in your best interest regardless of societal pressure is a tough pill to swallow, this I know.
___________
In plate theory, I believe there is a little aspect that isn't discussed enough: "plate speed". See, if a plate spins too fast the stick will get wobbly, and the plate flies off. I've had it happen; only because I didn't care to hold the stick tighter. That is, I didn't care to put forth extra efforts to guide or correct the situation.

The other plates were effortless, but this one needed/wanted extra attention. She went too fast, freaked out after demands were denied, and got out (stick wobbled, plate dropped). *shrug* The other plates were effortless, and this plate didn't deserve anything special.

So what happened later you ask? A few months later, it turns out that plate hopped back up on the stick and spun up at a proper speed all by itself.
__________

I insert that there because your situation is likely similar. If she wants to go fast and you don't, well, know the plate will drop itself at some point. Or, if you have few plates and extra attention, correct the situation. Tell her your intent if you want, perhaps put her on FB status, or kick back and wait (which is the popular method) until she brings up the ever-dreaded "exclusivity discussion". At that point you can punt or go for it.

This whole post boils down to this: do whatever YOU want. There is no right answer except YOUR answer. Whatever benefits you most, makes you happiest, or you feel is the best direction is the way you should go at this point. You can't have anyone else here give you a magic "do this" answer: do whatever YOU want.

 

[Sir Drinksalot]

I think you're thinking of terminating a perfectly good lay b/c you're afraid of and dreading the "exclusivity talk."

I hope this isn't the case, if it is you picked the wrong hobby.

Vulpine's right, don't bring it up. Your assumption that she's looking to put you on the fast track to LTR is probably right. But who cares? You're drilling her, you are not bf/gf, you're right where you want to be. Focus on prolonging the status quo, not worrying how much bait she's gonna give you before trying to set the hook..

This is the high point of your relationship with her! Enjoy it.

 

[Vulpine]

This is the high point of your relationship with her! Enjoy it.

Exactly!

Given your unique situation, it took you a little longer than average to seal the deal, but that doesn't mean you have to go dumping her now... unless that was her only funtion: slump breaker.

But even then, if she's a functional FB, why not keep the plate spinning until you get other, or better, ones?

 

[realsmoothie]

Er, maybe I wasn't so clear. We ARE "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", at least as far as she's concerned. I never used the terms but she has with her parents and with her friends, and her online dating page (lol) says "in a relationship". We behave pretty much like a couple. I know if she found out I'd asked someone else out she'd fully freak out.

Vulpine is right... she is a "slump breaker", and a hell of a slump that was. I don't want to be exclusive and I definitely don't think this would last long term.

It's made all the more tricky by the fact that I actually am kind of enjoying the "idea" of being with someone... i.e. not having to make big weekend plans all the time, knowing someone else really likes you, having physical contact (and yeah, sex) available all the time, being able to do nice things for a girl, you know.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking. Maybe I'm looking for ways to negotiate an open relationship... i.e. "I want to see other people". Remember, guys, I don't have a clue when it comes to this kind of thing.

 

[STR8UP]

Smooth,

I feel ya man. If you haven't read my recent post(s), do so.

Vulpine is right... she is a "slump breaker", and a hell of a slump that was. I don't want to be exclusive and I definitely don't think this would last long term.

I'm in a very, very similar situation, and I have made the decision to proceed with caution.

Only been out with her a couple of times and only in a group setting, and I haven't sexed mine yet (would have happened last weekend but the situation didn't allow it) but she's already telling people she's "with" me, calling me "babe" and stuff.

But the fact is that the moment I laid eyes on this chick I wanted to bang the hell outa her and I'm not going to let a few stalker tendencies stand in my way...lol.

I'm playing it cool with her as far as keeping my distance, and there's no way she could call me her b/f (if she did I probably WOULD run the other way, lol) but it looks like I might have to have a little talk with her soon cause she's moving WAY too fast even if I wanted a relationship.

Like the other guys said....you don't owe this chick anything. I have had the same problem in the past. DON'T FALL IN THAT TRAP! Especially after only having fukked her one time.

It's made all the more tricky by the fact that I actually am kind of enjoying the "idea" of being with someone... i.e. not having to make big weekend plans all the time, knowing someone else really likes you, having physical contact (and yeah, sex) available all the time, being able to do nice things for a girl, you know.

Again, I'm right there with you. The idea of enjoying the positive aspects of a relationship is very appealing to me right now. But remember, it comes with a price. It's never gonna be free when you are dealing with a chick who is into you.

I've had a lot going on in my life lately and I would kill to have a cool little hottie that I can count on to be there for me. But like I said, it always comes with a price. Make sure you have a good idea of the costs up front and make your decisions accordingly.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking. Maybe I'm looking for ways to negotiate an open relationship... i.e. "I want to see other people". Remember, guys, I don't have a clue when it comes to this kind of thing.

I think I mentioned it three or four times in my last post, but it doesn't matter WHAT you negotiate or ask for or demand or whatever, chances are she is gonna agree to go along with it if she likes you as much as you say she does. But when all is said and done, YOU will be looked at by her and all of her friends as a grade "A" a$$hole, that's just how it is.

So go ahead, have your talk. Tell her that you think she's a great girl, but you aren't ready to get into a serious relationship. You don't even owe her a reason. Then go bang the hell outa her and have FUN. I'm sure you deserve it just as much as the next person.

 

[Last Man Standing]

DJ rule numero uno - never get emotional with a hor!!!

 

[blueguy]

Yep, if you know 100% sure you don't want her, you have a couple choices:

1. Stop seeing her.
2. Lock your heart and use her for sex. Deny boyfriend status. Don't do too many friend/relationship outings.

If she wants more and has some self respect she may eventually turn cold on you though (a test to see if you're really into her).

 

[realsmoothie]

OK, I need the hell out.

It was alright for a while as I was finally getting regular sex for the first time in like a decade... and spending time with her is a passable way to spend the time.

But then last week I heard from some friends that she's totally into me and might even be in love.

And... believe it or not... a good friend of mine broke up with HIS girlfriend who I work with and hang out with and I ended up F*CKING her the day after they broke up.

I'm realizing that staying with my girlfriend is DEFINITELY not the place to be, because I obviously don't care much about her and have a much better connection with this other girl.

I know this is all going to turn out pretty badly... my g/f will freak when i break up with her, then I'll be single and will be hot to trot for the new girl (who's cute, young, smart, and a machine in bed) who's not only my best friend's ex but a co-worker.

AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Sorry, guys... I'm just venting because there's really no "real" person I can tell about this. If anyone has any magic suggestions, let me know.

 

[Latinoman]

Your best friends ex girlfriend had sex with you to get back at her boyfriend not because she likes you. Better be careful or you will end up with no girl, no friend, and back to your porn viewing ways

I agree. She might even get (or will get laid) with her ex from time to time.

 

[realsmoothie]

Your best friends ex girlfriend had sex with you to get back at her boyfriend not because she likes you. Better be careful or you will end up with no girl, no friend, and back to your porn viewing ways

Hah hah, I never thought of that. No, she's been chasing me for quite a while now... we work together and she's always flirted with me like crazy. We have a connection that he and her never had.

He doesn't KNOW me and her had sex, NOBODY does other than us. If it got out, both of us would be ostracized from our freind-groups (pretty tight little town, you see).

I was actually at his place last night, and talked quite a bit about their relationship. A very weird experience. They're meeting "to talk" today, I'm hoping they get back together.

Anyhow, I'm not really worried about them, I'm worried about my current girlfriend.

 

[mintxx]

Ahh the 30s. The new renaissance. Spring is in the air. The minks are fvkking. Look man, tell her she's got ahead of herself, you're happy with things the way they are, you've feeling pressured, she's being too full on, whatever. You're not obliged to play happy families with wack jobs.

 

[DoubleA]

Once again back is the incredible!!

Realsmoothie,

You both should slowdown. You have now made it clear that you're exclusive with her. That's why she's all loopy and shyte. You guys need to come clean about the situation.

 

[realsmoothie]

Aha, the thread of death continues unabated.

Yeah, things continue to be messy. Now, amazingly enough, I seem to have TWO girls in two.

CURRENT girlfriend is pretty much in love. She was talking about the kids in her class the other night (she's training to teach) and I said "man, I really am not good with kids"... she responds to this with (and I'm sure she went WHOOPS! in her head a second later) "don't worry, I am, though".

OTHER GIRL: got back together with her boyfriend less than five days after they broke up (and four days after we did "tha nastee"). However, she says she made a mistake and now wants out... there's another guy that I think she likes far more. And yet we got drunk, watched porn, and fooled around a bit last night. But... as I walked home this morning... I realized that I don't really like this one enough to deal with the mess when everything comes out.

So basically, I want out of both. The "other" girl is easy, I can just tell her not to worry, she can do what she wants. My current girlfriend? Ugh, man, I don't know how to do this. No experience at all, and she's currently stressed out over school. ACK!

Just gonna have to nut up and DO THIS.

 

[STR8UP]

Just gonna have to nut up and DO THIS.

If you're gonna get rid of her, whatever you do, don't pull a pu$$y ass chick move and send her an email or a text or some bullsh!t like that. Unless she's emotionally unstable and might be capable of physical violence that is, then it's ok.

Seriously though.....I've had that sh!t done to me recently (texted a "breakup") and I can't tell you how insulting it is, despite the fact the relationship wasn't serious.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Why not just have two hors?

 

[realsmoothie]

Yes! It Is Done!

Not sure how many of you remember this thread... but for those of you who do, I finally broke up with her.

It took forever (obviously!)... since we never talked seriously about "us" or the relationship, we were never close and it seemed impossible to get into the mood to ditch her. Plus, it was an almost completely maintenance-free affair... and I've never ever had regular sex like that.

Anyhow... last Friday I got kinda drunk, wanted to just pop over there but couldn't do it. So I texted her with "we have to talk... can I come over tomorrow night"? She called almost right away but I fully pussied out. The next day she MSN's me with "come over tonight".

That night comes, I'm freaking out... thinking she's going to peak on me, cry, god, who knows. I get there, she's sitting on the couch calmly. We politely chit-chat for a minute than I'm into it... "I don't think we're compatible", "you want kids now", "I'm just waking up to the world" yadda yadda. She takes it all pretty much in stride, tells me that she was totally surprised and had been freaking out the night before.

(note: huh, the "we need to talk" text actually helped because she did all her freaking out before I even got there... will have to remember that).

So it's done. It's left a little open, partially because I'd really love to negotiate some kind of FB thing down the road and God knows that after six months of regular sex for the first time in my life I'll really be hankering for something if I don't get my ass in gear.

And on THAT subject, I'm off to a particular bar tonight where I always seem to see girls I know. Wish me luck, it's a new world for me.

 

[Cableguy]

Sounds like you dumped her fairly respectfully which from my experience means that she will be there for some FB sessions. You're now the guy she can't have but probably still wants.

 

[drmeathead]

always hold out for the better option...if you find that she isnt the better option...**** her for not being the better option and putting you in a spot.

 

[realsmoothie]

So, any advice for moving this girl into FB territory? Or would that just be cruel... as I do care about her and don't want to mess her over. I'd just like to make a mess over her.