tips on keeping a girl?

[ne0phyte]

hey guys, since i found this site a year ago, i've definitely improved in the ladies department. still making mistakes, and still learning, but lately, i've noticed that i really have trouble keeping the girls i want. the last two girls that i would have wanted to be exclusive with all broke it off around the 2 month mark.

so i'm curious, as an aspiring DJ, should I be doing anything different as time progresses with girls that I want to keep around? Right now, I think I'm decent from pickup to getting girls in bed. But the last few girls have said stuff to me like, how come you never tell me about your family? ... you're always so busy... It seems like they want me to chase / show more interest, but i'm worried that I would fall back into being an AFC again and not be a challenge. How do I balance this with the "plate spinning" mentality?

I get that if sex is just the goal, then spinning plates and ignoring comments like those are totally fine. If they walk away, that's not an issue, you got more plates. But I also understand the female viewpoint too. You meet a guy who seems really cool, but after a period of time, it doesn't seem like he's really that into you (ie more than just fun + sex ). Not many good girls would hang around if nothing changes.

I guess what it boils down to is what's a good pace to reveal myself to girls I want to keep around? I know I should always keep them wanting more, but it seems like I'm giving them too little too late. But at the same time, I'm worried that I would fall right back into being an AFC if I started giving them what they wanted when they wanted it.

 

[Jariel]

I'm having the same difficulties in keeping the interest of girls I really like, and yet I'm doing quite the opposite of you and showing them too much interest and attention, and scaring them off as a result.

There obviously has to be a balance between the two. That said, I have always found that varying my attention levels gets the most positive response with women and keeps me hooked on women who do it to me. The old "hot and cold" works like a charm and is something I need to start applying to women I'm really into.

 

[Htienvu]

I think a lot of stuff on the forum is focused on getting the girl instead of keeping a relationship. Keep this in mind, not every girl you pick up, date is going to be compatible for long term relationships.

That said I guess you have to find the right balance when being a challenge, aloof, not to seem too cold towards them; at the same time not to be too available and needy. Like Jariel said, give her the hot and cold streaks, keep them guessing. You can reveal yourself slowly but if you maintain your frame and game then there's less chance of you falling into the AFC route.

I am in the same boat as you at the moment, just started something and trying to maintain it. It's difficult to control yourself from giving away too much, I am trying balance things, it's a learning curve I guess.

 

[AlexDP]

I think a lot of stuff on the forum is focused on getting the girl instead of keeping a relationship. Keep this in mind, not every girl you pick up, date is going to be compatible for long term relationships.

That said I guess you have to find the right balance when being a challenge, aloof, not to seem too cold towards them; at the same time not to be too available and needy. Like Jariel said, give her the hot and cold streaks, keep them guessing. You can reveal yourself slowly but if you maintain your frame and game then there's less chance of you falling into the AFC route.

I am in the same boat as you at the moment, just started something and trying to maintain it. It's difficult to control yourself from giving away too much, I am trying balance things, it's a learning curve I guess.

I don't like that. It leads to toxic relationships. I think for a relationship to succeed and to have a women remain interested in you, the most important thing is to show you're a leader. You remain firm in discussions, you sometimes tell her what to do, but let her do her thing as well. Balance is a key word, but hot and cold behaviour isn't the way to go, because it'll screw up the both of you.

PS: It is exactly what BPD's do - don't do that.

 

[bigneil]

I agree with AlexDP.

My answer to the OP is: date girls who like you more than you like them. Rather than playing hold and cold, you need to naturally BE hot and cold, by virtue of the fact that you will (ideally) have other options. You will be trying to get rid of them at times and that is when they will chase you.

A sad fact of dating is that one person always likes the other more. The problem is, when you are the one who is liked more, you are always longing for and checking out other people.

 

[Htienvu]

I don't like that. It leads to toxic relationships. I think for a relationship to succeed and to have a women remain interested in you, the most important thing is to show you're a leader. You remain firm in discussions, you sometimes tell her what to do, but let her do her thing as well. Balance is a key word, but hot and cold behaviour isn't the way to go, because it'll screw up the both of you.

PS: It is exactly what BPD's do - don't do that.

Point noted, I guess what I meant was not to be too eagered and available when it comes to giving her attention.

 

[Jariel]

Alexdp: What you say makes perfect sense and in an ideal world you would never have to go hot and cold and could avoid all games. I have tried turning my back on these games and have thought to myself how destructive it must be, but in reality it works. It's the reason women fall for the players who are hard to attain and ignore the guys who would give them everything they think they want.

But this isn't just true of women. If you read most of the oneitis problems guys on this board are going through, it's usually over a woman who showed high interest, offered them a taste of something great, and then withdrew it.

Even in long term relationships, stability is boring and will spell death.

 

[Konada]

1 word - Indifference

Give them enough to satisfy then temporarily but enough to keep them coming back for more. Its pretty much like enticing fat kids with candy.

 

[HariPoter13]

Read what advice females are given on this topic http://ezinearticles.com/?Understand-Male-Psychology---Know-What-He-Wants&id=3111134

.. It could be that you are simply trying to hard ..

.. Men enjoy being challenged. Though they may not realize it, they want to have to work to get the best you have to offer. If you just give it all up at word 'go', part of the game is already over. You've extinguished his need to show himself and to prove himself worthy ..

.. A woman who is eager to have a man in her life is apt to be too available every time a man calls for a date. And many women also resist the notion of playing hard to get, but it is an important part of courtship ..

'Tis the same advice we give, is it not? Game playing is only natural when it comes to the mating dance.





Jariel, I think it's time for you to withhold the sex (and everything else). Turn the tables on them, play hard to get; make them sweat their asses off for it.


Good luck mate!

 

[Htienvu]

This is a great article, glad I found and re-read it again.

http://www.sosuave.com/articles/at/investing.htm

 

[SgtSplacker]

To keep the girl I play the "hot/cold" game. What this basically means is that if she does something stupid I definitely call her out on it (cold). But then i'm very kind and affectionate otherwise (hot).

If I were always "hot" I would kinda be straying into the AFC/psychoStalker territory, but the "cold" balances it out.

This and you ALWAYS have to let that girl think your crazy about her... at least in conversation. Heres hot cold in action again. When you talk to her you tell her shes awesome, gorgeous, the only one (hot). But when you hang up the phone dont go calling her all night. Just chill and wait for her to chase/call you (cold).

 

[Juan Don]

make sure the time you spend with them is quality time. don't worry about quantity. make sure you have the best damn time and when you are around her you give that happiness vibe so that she associates you with happiness. even if you just see her once a week you still can keep her interest level high because she will look forward to the next time she hears/sees you. when all the above is said and done she will be chasing you. guaranteed assuming they have interest in you. never ever chase and never express to her your feelings more than she does to you. you are the prize remember? you don't need her. you have other options. you're happy regardless if she's in your life or not. don't be too available have other things to do. don't see each other too much even though you and her feel like you have a strong connection/chemistry.

 

[Aaron B]

I guess what it boils down to is what's a good pace to reveal myself to girls I want to keep around? I know I should always keep them wanting more, but it seems like I'm giving them too little too late. But at the same time, I'm worried that I would fall right back into being an AFC if I started giving them what they wanted when they wanted it.

It seems to me that not even the women themselves know what they want.

 

[st_99]

I guess what it boils down to

I truly believe its all attitude and not so much technique. Well, the right attitude always leads to the right technique without you realizing it I think is more so what happens.

The right attitude equals no fear and not caring all that much about it 'working out'. That doesn't mean act like an a-hole to SHOW you
dont care becuase that just means you DO care if you have to act. But
if you can truly internalize the no fear of loss attitude I think that is
basically all you need. I think fear of loss has always been at the root of my problems with keeping women.

 

[ne0phyte]

thanks for all your perspectives guys. after thinking about what you've all said, keeping the right outcome independent attitude is definitely important. As for the hot/cold, I think I could play it a little more "hot".

While I do try to make sure that the time we spend on dates is fun and leaves her wanting more, i've never verbalized that I'm "crazy" about her in the way sgt splacker suggests. The reason is because I'm worried it would be showing too much interest early on. But i guess after a few months, it makes sense. Verbalize how awesome the girl is, so she thinks I'm crazy about her, but continue to be a challenge through my actions (ie, not always being available to hang out, etc).

 

[AlexDP]

To keep the girl I play the "hot/cold" game. What this basically means is that if she does something stupid I definitely call her out on it (cold). But then i'm very kind and affectionate otherwise (hot).

If I were always "hot" I would kinda be straying into the AFC/psychoStalker territory, but the "cold" balances it out.

This and you ALWAYS have to let that girl think your crazy about her... at least in conversation. Heres hot cold in action again. When you talk to her you tell her shes awesome, gorgeous, the only one (hot). But when you hang up the phone dont go calling her all night. Just chill and wait for her to chase/call you (cold).

That's not exactly the hot/cold game. The hot/cold game is going cold at random times. This is what is so crazymaking about it. What you're doing is conditioning your girl. All in all I think that's rather fair. If I do something my girlfriend doesn't like and is pissed about it it is okay for her to be mad. I do the same too. However it cannot be completely irrational or seemingly random.